How To Get A Cat Back In The House

Day One:

Walk around the house calling "Jam! Jam-jam! Jammy girl! Come here, pretty girl! Jammy!" over and over and over again despite the fact that this is a CAT we are calling. And not one of those super cats who star in commercials or manage to vomit on the tile instead of the carpeting just once, but a high-strung people-hater who wouldn't come if you covered yourself with strips of sautéed liver and lay perfectly motionless for days.

Having determined that the cat is actually hiding under an inaccessible corner of a porch, continue to call for her adding a scritchy-scritchy motion with your fingers.

Bring out a plate of wet food and hold it at arm's length until you realize that the mosquitoes have now drained so much blood from your body you are going to need a transfusion and the cat hasn't moved a millimeter.

Leave wet food on plate inside porch next to access hole that husband has thoughtfully created. Add catnip later. Then try tuna.

Day Two:

Discover that the damned cat came out from under the porch, patted the catnip and ate the food and then went back under the porch again. Have husband drill 2x6s onto the porch perimeter to prevent escape into the yard. Lock other cats in basement for the night and leave door into the house from the porch open. Squabble with husband over proper placement of food (on kitchen floor just inside door v. on the porch) and proper food to provide (more wet food v. more tuna.) Announce that you aren't asking him you are telling him and leave small plate of tuna on porch in addition to husband's kitchen wet food buffet.

Day Three:

Discover that infernal cat has eaten the tuna and gone back under the porch. Listen to fucking husband go on and ON about how he was right... blah blah... eat me. Have husband detail plan for a cat trap using wooden dowels and pieces of plywood. Laugh derisively and say, "Steve" [or whoever] "that has got to be one of the stupidest things you have ever come up with. So she is going to jump up here and knock the dowel there and then this piece of wood will slam down over the access hole? Please! That will never fucking work."

Tell husband you have a much better idea and proceed to lower yourself through the tiny access hole until you are under the porch on your stomach. Crawl through leaves and gravel and cobwebs and scary dirty bugs with no room to move your head or arms until you are within three feet of the damned cat who was not your idea to get in the first place. Watch as she nimbly avoids your flailing hands and darts to the far side of the porch.

Tell husband he had better take that amused smirk off his face or you will take it off for him. Have him tell you that you need a shower and there is a spider, a B-I-I-I-G spider, in your hair.

Jeer as husband brings up trap paraphernalia after dinner.

Mock his arrangement of boards, sticks and wet food.

Go upstairs to watch newly released second season of Six Feet Under. Pause halfway through to replenish beverages and find Jam on the porch with a board neatly covering the hole in the floor.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, the cat is happily back in her closet but I may never regain my status.

Comments

[Julia]

Wait - are you married to Wiley Coyote?

[Julia S]

Yes!! YES!! Oh my god, YES! Indubitably.

[Christina]

I'm glad to hear your cat has returned but at the expense of your husband gaining bragging rights? Ack.

[lizardek]

ROFLMAO :D

[Heather]

Six Feet Under is one of the best shows ever.

[Summer]

This is why I like dogs. Big dogs. Big dogs can't get themselves stuck in places inaccessible to humans. Hell, my dog weighs more than I do, and has a considerably larger midsection circumference. Our biggest problem is that she likes to lie in the narrow hallway to the kitchen, and when I walk to the kitchen in the dark I frequently stumble over 120 lbs of big black dog. Have I mentioned that my husband doesn't approve of using electric lights at night, even in rooms that are occupied by large dogs and humans? It's very odd.

I am very, very impressed that you crawled under the porch to rescue your cat, and yet more impressed that you remained sane after being told there was a big spider in your hair.

[Monica C.]

It's the *way* you write that is so wonderful. It's the way you tell the story, without all the "then I said, '_______,' then he said,'_______,'" that I would have had in there. That's why you are *such* a talented writer and you MUST write some sort of something to be published.

[Robyns]

Chalk that one up to, "Husbands! What is a gal to do?"

I HATE that gloating look. I want to take one of Ashley's dirty diapers and just smear it over his face.

[Andreah]

You do tell great stories. Would love to have a big book of Julias fables, tall tales and True Stories

[e]

ok read your posts out of order so now can say you have very quickly regained your status and this should put Steve in his place, how DARE he let a pg woman crawl around under the porch. His MN guilt must be awfully high right about now ;-)