Grab A Road Map - I Am All Over The Place Here

I left a message for my OB's assistant this morning asking that she get me in for an ultrasound today or tomorrow.

I don't know what happened. One minute I was the epitome of patience and resolve and the next I was asking Steve if he thought I should wait until Tuesday to get an ultrasound. Then I screamed at him and told him he was stupid (guess what he said? He said, "Yes, you should wait.") I spent last night googling the most ridiculous things, like "ultrasound 8w5d vs 9w2d." Surprisingly, Google sort of shrugged over that one and brought me half-heartedly to a couple of pages where women had written in to say, "No heartbeat at 9w2d. Also, baby measuring 6 weeks and blood is pouring out of my vagina. Should I be worried?" Um, yes.

[WHY isn't my OB calling back? It's been THREE hours. Gar.....]

I have no hard and fast rules about when other people should announce their pregnancies. This is in keeping with my over-arching belief that I should have no hard and fast rules about how other people should do anything.

Originally, Steve and I did not tell anyone we were trying and we did not mention the first pregnancy or miscarriage, despite the fact that his entire family was staying at our house when it happened. We only told people after the second miscarriage when we learned that Steve was a freaky freak and we were in for a hard time. Now when I get pregnant we tell my mom and my brother and Steve's immediate family. It's not so much sharing good news (although of course it is good news) as letting them know that we are about to have a stressful few months while we wait. They are all supportive, in their own ways, and I like having the support.

[WHOO-Hoo! Ultrasound scheduled for an hour and a half from now.]

Changing gears, again, jeez, I realized that I was putting off the ultrasound not out of a practical belief that we will get more information next week but out of fear. I'm scared. This is the big ultrasound. The one that usually goes wrong. I don't want bad news. I don't want to no longer be hopeful. So I was putting off the ultrasound because I was trying to delay feeling rotten. But that's not my way, not really. I am brave like a squirrel and I will face today's ultrasound with fortitude and a bag of Almond Joy.

Oh, man. I have to wait a whole hour and a half.

Quick, write me something to distract me.

Comments

[Tracy]

"This is in keeping with my over-arching belief that I should have no hard and fast rules about how other people should do anything."

Really? I'm full of rules as to what other people should do. If only they'd follow them.

Good luck.

How could I not post to a woman so in need? Here, hold my hand, breathe... here are some time fillers: find and match all unmatched socks. Throw out ones with holes. / Take a shower- extra distraction points for blow drying hair and shaving legs/ Hard boil eggs for a salad or something/ disentangle your computer cables/ Write a letter to the editor about a completely made up issue/ play solitare. I wish I could give you some cleaning tasks, but I imagine your house is spotless right now. Lame, I know, but its the best I can do for you right now.

[Sharon]

I have been reading here for a few months now but have never posted. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today and hope you will get some good news. You sure deserve that after all you have been through the last few weeks.

[terri c]

Hmm, how to distract you? Hmmm... the worst sermon I ever heard in any church? Hands down the one at a funeral, the funeral of a beloved fellow called Mike, who had dropped dead at 77 of a heart attack, just climbing out of the pool after swimming his laps (that exercise s*** is bad for you). The preacher said, "We are gathered here because a very special person has died. Mike is dead. He won't be coming back." Now, you are a finer person than I, but I have to say this restatement of the obvious made me desperate to leap from my seat and scream either "What do you mean he won't be back? He owes me 20 bucks!!" or "You mean this isn't the Johnson wedding? Well knock me over with a feather!!!" I didn't but it was a near thing. Best luck, Julia, thinking of you as hard as hard can be.

[jen]

Go laugh at badly dressed celebrities at:

http://fuggingitup.blogspot.com/

And then turn on conservative talk radio and curse or cheer, depending on how you lean politically. (I'm new here, so I've not yet hit a political post.)

Whatever you do, I'll be pulling for you.

[Sierra]

I hope you get good news! I used to google ultrasound pictures all the time when I was pregnant (after 2 miscarriages). That, and I obsessed over my A CHILD IS BORN and FROM CONCEPTION TO BIRTH picture books. I'm thinking about you.

[ecm]

Hey, nothing bad has happened yet!

[AmyinMotown]

No kidding about the annoying pregnant women on the Internet. I love some of my message board friends, but geez, some people are either too clueless to live or should just be shut in a bubble for nine months, as freaked out as they get about Every. Little. Thing. Aspartame in gum, I am not kidding you.

On the drunk front--I kept a glass of wine with me pre-annoucement and took little sips here and there, just in case. And when one is falling down drunk, one doesn't really notice when other people are not.

Hmmm. Hmmmm. What else to say to distract you? Care to advise me on starting a blog? (I comment on the whole Vagina Posse's blogs, it seems, and have been thinking about it, but gosh, I am just so lame). Oh fuck it, there's nothing. Just please promise you'll post ASAP after you get back, 'k? The Internet worries about you.

[Julie]

PLEASE start a blog, Amy. PLEASE.

There. Julia, did it distract you that I impolitely chose to speak to someone else in your comments, rather than attempting to reassure you?

[Brooklyn Girl]

For distraction, nothing beats Penguin Baseball: http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

Really.

[Laurie]

I'm w/Tracy. I also have a whole book of rules that I'd like other people to follow ('cept that they don't AT ALL), and in addition I'm gradually developing my own set of traffic laws. Now if I can just figure out how to issue my own traffic tickets to any offenders, we'll be all set . . . Best wishes to you.

[Tracy]

"On the drunk front--I kept a glass of wine with me pre-annoucement and took little sips here and there, just in case. And when one is falling down drunk, one doesn't really notice when other people are not."

One hopes that these same people didn't come back and say "OH MY GAWD, I remember at so-and-so's party when you were DRINKING!!! You were pregnant then! What were you thinking?" Because, of course, that half glass of wine is going to result in a full-blown case of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I remember my BIL wouldn't let his pregnant wife take a sip of champagne to toast at a wedding. Yet he smoked around her regularly - in the car, in the house, in the same bed she was in. You really can't win. {sigh}

See why we need the rules?

Thank you for your blog. I just experienced the loss of my first pregnancy. I too googled everything I could think of before the ultrasound at 7 weeks. I looked for distractions too. Your blog and its associated comments are a blessing to me. Thank you.