Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here

A few millennia ago I defied (defied!) anyone to be all chirp chirp chirpy over morning sickness. Partially reassured, perhaps. Quietly grateful, maybe. But I asserted that no one could enthusiastically embrace the chunky blend of toast and stomach acid that burns the throat and seeps insidiously into the sinus cavities. Not possible.

I lied.

Last night I woke up at 3:30 and found myself so nauseous I considered just throwing up on a passing cat and commending my soul to God. Instead I blindly groped my way into the bathroom and spent a truly horrible 15 minutes creating a permanent tile-grid pattern on my knees. I was thrilled, really thrilled. No, seriously, I was (damn this inappropriately sarcastic font) since the past few days I have been merely queasy and I was getting worried.

I am in pregnancy crunch-time here. We are in the middle of the two-week period when our particular chromosomal problem tends to assert itself by, uh, metaphorically choking the vital spark from any burgeoning fet-bryo. There have been exceptions, of course (note termination at 19 weeks and two messy miscarriages at 6 and 8 weeks respectively) but... hold on... let me actually count these. Huh. OK. I guess three ended around 8 weeks and three did not. Well, whatever. Five times we have seen a perfect heartbeat and beautiful growth at 6.5 - 7 weeks only to go back for a subsequent ultrasound at 9 weeks or 12 weeks and be told, "I'm sorry, but we would expect to see a heartbeat with a gestational sac this size."

"And the fact that there was a heartbeat visible before," we would note.
"Yeah, that too," they would reply in an attempt to show that they had actually read my chart.

Anyway, up to this point I have been neither encouraged nor discouraged by anything about this pregnancy. Since I don't want you to get your hopes up (assuming you are a good person who genuinely would like us to have a healthy child this time,) I should tell you that I have never for one second thought this pregnancy was going to work out. Why should it? Optimism in the face of our odds is what swells the Powerball coffers, people. Still, I am willing to be as hopeful as possible and thought feeling like death should be counted as a good sign.

So when I went through the weekend only having to succumb to one ladylike vomit I felt pretty gloomy. Last night felt like a momentary reprieve and I was appropriately appreciative.

I talked to my OB's assistant yesterday (I love her, I love her, I love her) and told her I would like one more ultrasound with them before the CVS scheduled for two weeks from Thursday.

"Of course," she said.
"I think I can wait until next Tuesday, and then it will feel definitive."
"Fine," she said, "but if you are going crazy and can't wait just call me and I am sure one of the nurses can get you in for a quick peak this week." She repeated this three more times, which was very kind. We left it at that: final ultrasound in a week, possible freak-out ultrasound on Friday.

I think we can all agree that I was sufficiently sanctimonious about my small part in Kevin's funeral. In case you were wondering, I not only looked saintly as I was typing it up, I managed to think gentle and loving thoughts about everyone involved.

Which is why I had to wait until today to solicit your opinions on the following situation. Warning: there is enough cattiness in the next few paragraphs to sustain the average adult for a week to ten days.

Comments

[Queenjulie]

I am of two minds on this. First (and please don't all jump all over me for this), I don't think it's necessarily tacky to share this kind of news at a funeral--it may help cheer people up, and give them a little break from the grief. My husband's extremely beloved uncle died three days before our wedding, and his widow later told me she was so glad we didn't cancel it because she really needed something happy to think about the day after his funeral.
However--a very BIG however--in this case, yeah, so unbelievably tacky I can't even think about it. Bragging about a pregnancy in front of a grieving woman who was TTC with her husband is just revolting.

[AmyinMotown]

Short answer: Yup.

Long answer: Jesus Gay, I couldn't even tell my PARENTS at 6 weeks. Actual close and beloved friends didn't find out until I was out of my first trimester.

Does everyone know about your pregnancy? Just wondering why she asked the listeria question--if she knows you're pregnant that comes off as very Superior Pregnancy Police BS to me, especially to ask you in front of people.

And VERY inappropriate to share this news at the funeral luncheon. Maybe, afterward, take a few close and beloved family members aside and tell them quietly and ask them to keep it on the QT for now, if she really felt that the news couldn't keep or that it would be nice to tell people something that would cheer them up. But not everyone, not in the gleeful attention seeking manner, and not there. Clearly cherring people up was not in her game plan, shifting the focus to herself was.

Holly sounds like an incredibly cool person for her demeanor during the whole thing, including not smacking the crap out of your SIL.

[Julia]

Her actions were enough to bring back a surge of hormonally-unrelated nausea for me.

I agree that SOMETIMES it's okay to share - but CLEARLY NOT IN THAT SITUATION!

[cheryl b.]

Tacky, so very, very tacky. Now I'm not saying that there aren't some funerals that a pregnancy announcement wouldn't be appropriate at, because I'm sure there are, this just wasn't one of them.

[kate]

Tackier than a "Precious Moments" figurine. (If you collect those, I'm sorry)

[e]

ugh, completely out of line. Ditto on the comment about sharing the news at a different time NOT in the church basement (what church, btw?) NOT within hearing range of Holly and NOT with the accompanying glee of the newly pg. She sounds really young/immature. and you did not sound as catty as I would have. meow.

[Libby]

I had the good fortune of having that blissful, care free first PG. My husband even dared to announce it the same day I got a positive PG test (how crazy! I know better now). So I understand the overwhelming desire to want to get on a rooftop and shout your happy news to the entire world. HOWEVER, that desire should not replace common sense and manners. I really think it was horribly tacky and rude of your SIL to announce her PG at the funeral. She must not care very much for Holly. If she did, she would have thought about how that would make Holly feel.

Again, very, very tacky. And I don't think you are being catty at all.

[Lola]

First, I want to say that I'm sorry for your loss.

Second, I think your SIL should have kept her pregnancy news to herself until after the funeral events were done. I'm sure she was overflowing with excitement about her big news, but that's not an excuse for checking her tact at the door. I also agree with you that her news could have waited until some time after the funeral, and after her pregnancy was further along.

By the way, I actually did lie at a funeral about being pregnant because we believed it was both too early (5 wks) and just plain insensitive and inappropriate. I ended up miscarrying 3 weeks later, so obviously it was a good idea to keep that news to ourselves anyway. But in the end it was my respect for my friend and her family's grief that kept me from letting on about my pregnancy.

[ECM]

Whoops what's that I stepped in? It's all over my shoe? Oh, it's the tacky... sooooo tacky.

[Heather]

You're totally wrong. I did not even get three days worth of cattiness quotant in that entry (I am likely not normal, though).

She sounds incredibly (not to repeat everyone else, but) tacky. I wouldn't even call it naïveté since I always associate that with a sort of blind innocence, someone that makes you want to shake them awake to reality. I just wanted to conk your SIL in the head. I mean, would a truly naive person really, really seriously, ask you about listeria? No, only someone with no tact.

[bluepoppy]

My 2 cents? Princess Pregnancy has the emotional maturity of a five-year old who thinks the world revolves around her and has never experienced so much as a minute of an hour in a day in the life of someone like Kevin's wife. The most compassionate people, in my experience, are those who have suffered the most. And the inverse has proven to be equally true. Princess Pregnancy? A faint blip at the outermost, pre-protazoan edge of the vast evolutionary development chart. But Julia? A veritable zen master of charity (in the true sense of the word), decorum, and kindness.

[Brooklyn Girl]

I might be able to overlook the announcement (or what have you) at a funeral because, well, it's on occasions like that at which families tend to gather. However, being so forthcoming at the funeral of a man who struggled to conceive, well, that gives me pause. I wish it had given your SIL pause too.

But that's just me. Judgmental, small, petty me.

[Krissy]

Do I judge? Ohhhh, how I judge.

I could go on and on about the extreme tackiness, but I'm afraid my head would explode.

There are a thousand ways to joyfully announce you're pregnant. In the basement after a man's funeral within the hearing of his devestated and sadly un-pregnant wife? Not. So. Much.

Assclown.

[Jan]

Inexcusably self-centered and class-less.

Your 91-yr-old great grandmother dies peacefully in her sleep, and maybe you want to share your pregnancy with a few close family members while you're all together for the funeral: Isn't it great that life goes on, and wouldn't great-grandma have loved to be here for your baby? That's understandable.

But to make yourself the center of attention as a family is trying to come to terms with the loss of a wonderful young man who will now never know a child of his own, and to comfort his young widow who has had the chance of his child stolen from her, that's just CRUEL.

You were far more gracious and understanding than I think I could have been.

[Dana]

Totally and completely.

Reminds me of a 'friend' who went on and on and on at MY HOUSE about how she was going to get pg on her honeymoon, her due date next spring, her older child's stuff reminded her of her ex so out it would have to go, how she was getting a diamond necklace just like mine after the birth only 'a BIG stone'.......

Did I mention I've been battling infertility over four years? And yes she knows all about it.

Ironically for someone who's moved heaven and earth to try to join the mother's club, this story reinforces my unfortunate opinion at 95% of women who are pregnant or have been are utterly self absorbed, self involved, sows.

[Tracy]

My first comment here! :-)

That's funny; we must be related. Because that's exactly what my SIL would have done. Except she would have added a good dollop of complaining, because of course you must always gather plenty of sympathy (even at someone else's husband's funeral) along with good wishes, even if it's on the same subject, right?

As everyone else said, there are times when it would be appropriate to make such an announcement at a funeral. This was not one of them.

In other words... tacky tacky tacky.

[Dana]

p.s. I am so sorry about the loss of your friend and your baby -- I hope your pregnancy is healthy - best wishes.

[Kristine]

Tacky. Most definitely.

As Jan said, particularly because of the nature of this funeral. All attention should have been on Holly (I can't begin to imagine her pain).

Then there's the whole issue for you- doesn't she know what you've been through? Might she not flaunt about her come-easy pregnancy? Anyways, she sounds horribly obnoxious.

I laughed right out loud at your boredom with the whole salami-worry. I'm with you- we got bigger problems to worry about!

[Laurie]

I'm an avid proponent of this philosophy in many aspects of my life, and it can be summed up as simply this: One should not try to "steal the thunder" at someone else's big event. It is just rude--I mean, for crap's sake let someone else have the spotlight for a change. Specifically, this philosophy means not announcing your engagement at someone else's baby shower, this means not announcing your impending divorce at another's wedding reception, and yes, this means not announcing your pregnancy at another's funeral. So there, Princess Pregnancy.

[Sarah]

Totally tacky.

I was 3 months pregnant at my nephew's WEDDING, not funeral, but even then I worked very, very hard not to steal his thunder. I bought special, horrid, girdle underpants to wear under my dress. I sucked it in. I said not a word. And this was a wedding. In fact, I remember my aunt coming up to me and saying "you're so thin!" and I almost burst out laughing. I can't even imagine coming out with my pregnancy at a funeral. She could have lied, she could have demurred, she could have done any number of things to play it down.

[Judy]

Honestly, I think after the "going off the pill in January" announcement, followed by the "we've waited 3 months and have started trying" announcement I would have set a "do not pick up" warning on my caller ID. I'm guessing she's not a family favorite.

My friend's husband announced at a recent wedding "I don't know what people are going on and on about, I think this whole pregnancy thing is a breeze. Only took us 3 weeks." At this time his pregnant wife was on glass of wine #2. I was at the table, and just getting over a miscarraige, another friend at the table is well into year #2 of TTC. I was very good and just left, rather then taking him to task at someone else's wedding.

Whatever happened to the list of 'taboo topics' for social functions? I don't know, I just think some things should not be discussed. I also think pregnancies should not be announced until well into the 2nd trimester. I personally would have preferred waiting until my 3rd trimester, and just letting everyone think I was getting really chunky. But, my husband couldn't take it any more.

[Laura K.]

Good Grief - Tacky? YES!

You know, it is, perhaps, feasable to think that maybe at some sort of family gathering she could announce her pregnancy. But NOT at the funeral. If it were great uncle Hershel who had died, well, maybe it wouldn't be so tacky, but in this case I completely agree. Here is a young wife who has just lost her husband, who never had the chance to have a child with him, and she has to witness this. Tacky and insensitive. There were PLENTY of things she could have said without actually lying that would have deflected the attention until a more appropriate time.

The other thing that has me pondering is her telling people so early. Six weeks, good hcg levels or not, is very soon to be announcing your pregnancy. Unfortunately many of us know how very much can go wrong early on. If she'd had an ultrasound and had seen a heartbeat, well, maybe she should feel a little more assured in telling people, but even then...

I'm glad to hear of your early-morning puke session. I'm not quite to the 'giddy' stage yet, but I can sure understand your feelings. Every time I wake up and think, "Uh-oh, I feel too good," I'm always relieved when the nausea creeps back in. It's like a stinky old blanket that you don't really want to admit you like, but you're glad it's there.

Looking forward to hear about your peak on Friday. I get one tomorrow. Unlike you, I have no restraint and go in every week. I peak again tomorrow.

Laura

[Christine]

A couple thoughts.

1. In front of Holly? In FRONT of Holly?!? Way over the tacky line.

2. I don't eat meat anyway, so I guess I'm not up on this. No salami? Huh.

3. As for not telling early, that was my intention. I was willing to tell family. Paul has proceeded to tell everyone he knows. And I told him that if I miscarry he's going to have to track every last person down and make sure they know before they say something stupid to me. The thought someone asking how a pregnancy that already ended is going is freaking me out. Daily.

[shannon]

Way, way, way WAY!!!!!!! tacky.
Very all-about-me and insensitive. And I probably would have thought that even before I developed my infertility blog habit and got all sensitive and shit.

[Jill]

oh no...this is way beyond tacky...this has veered off into...oh, let's go ahead and call her what she must be...a totally self-centered, rude and clueless bitch.
okay. Good luck, Julia - hope all goes well for you!

[Summer]

Let's see... my cousin -- the one who had three babies in three years -- had just found out she was expecting #3 shortly before our grandfather's funeral. She said not a word, though in that case it would have been more appropriate. I wouldn't have thought it tacky if she'd told us about her pregnancy at the funeral, but I still think she was wise to wait and tell us all on a happier occasion.

This SIL is Mrs. Turnip, right? Perhaps she should enjoy the glow while it lasts. Her baby is going to be half turnip.

And YAY vomit! I'll be chirpy about your morning sickness for you.

[Mollie]

Booooooooooooo. Hiss.

[Tina]

OMG - I cannot believe your SIL would be so stupid to gloat about a pg in front of Holly. My heart breaks for Holly. What a horrible day for her - and to have someone else bragging about their easy pg. Life is just NOT fair.

I am so glad you are puking your guts out my dear girl. That has to mean that little peanut is healthy. I pray it is so!

Tina

[Jenn]

amazingly tacky and thoughtless. I have noticed before that funerals and wakes can come with a lot of social fumbling. Often people quite honestly don't know what to say or how to act. But as you point out she was clearly hungering for a chance to blurt out her news, so I don't think she gets excused on grounds of awkwardness.

[Tertia]

V v tacky. At a funeral? Thank goodness this is not a blood relation, would have been v worried ;-)

[Amy F]

Egads! You couldn't come up with a more tacky combination of events if you tried.

As for the salami--the only time I've ever felt the need for hotdogs was while pregnant. When nothing else tastes good, what can you do? I'd like to see her attitude on caffeine and listeria 7 or 8 months down the road.

[Crystal]

I think we have to consider that people like you, and me, consider lying about a pregnancy just about de riguer. For good reason.

To some people, lying about a pregnancy may seem like the stupidest thing in the world. How in G-d's name can you lie about something which will become readily apparent in a few month's time?

It can also relate to a person's relationship with "truth"... Some people are reformed liars, and aren't comfortable with lying, some people simply don't like lying to begin with.

It was horrible timing for Holly, probably more than a little self-centered, but.... I guess I can't work up much condemnation. Not without significant background history indicating she is in all ways completely self-centered and irresponsible with other people's feelings.

I'm finally starting to realize much of what I complain about in life is due to someone's ignorance. Since I am ignorant about so much myself, it just seems a bit disingenuous for me to take note of someone else's failings. I'm drowning in my own sea of them, trying to build a boat and paddle my way to the shore of humanity.

; )

Since of course, you are more wonderful than I can ever hope to be, none of the above relates to you at all. Why I'm bothering writing it at all is beyond me. I'm a little out of my head, writing is a nice distraction. See? Self-centered.

[Katy]

My first comment here, I've just had a rush of annoyance at a similar story I have so had to post! I think it was wrong of her. Completely wrong and evil and unthinking. I had a miscarriage in February and 2 weeks later my Grandmother died. I travelled a fair few hours to go to the funeral with my step sister. ALL my step-sister did was talk about her young daughter. She dragged everyone into conversation about it no matter how upset they were about my Gran. And also made me speak to said child on the phone and went on and on and on about how fabulous the kid was because it was potty trained or something. It was really, truly awful. If there hadn't been so many witnesses, I mean people, I would have battered her to death with the bottle of red wine I was glugging down.

And no salami? Wha? What the hell am I going to put on my pizzas?!

[bec 34]

At the risk of repeating what others have said, I am commenting before reading the above because I have to get this out.

1. You so can have *some* coffee when you are pregnant. I know many don't, though.

2. I sort of get that she couldn't lie. I was determined not to tell ANYONE until like 14 weeks, but I had one coworker who knew I was testing that weekend so when she asked I had no choice. Also, a friend of Paul's noticed that I didn't drink any alcohol at a party and confronted Paul about it, so he spilled the beans early there. I gave him shit and said he should have said I was on an antibiotic or something, but of course you don't think of those things at the time. BUT, when the cousin asked if she was pregnant, she should have just said, under her breath, "yes, but shhh, it's really early" and left it at that.

3. Somewhat off the topic, but my OBs are *really* laid back about the nutrition and eating thing. I mean, they give pregnant patients a book and I guess they expect us to read and follow it, but the only thing they ever warn about in terms of food is not to eat raw meat, sushi, or less-than-cooked eggs, because they can't treat you for parasites when you are pregnant. That is *it*. They didn't even comment on my weight gain unless I asked, and then they said they just want to see it go up each time.

Anyhow, I commend you for not killing her....maybe you should give her some important info now, like how you have to toughen your nipples with a file to get them ready for breastfeeding? She really ought to be prepared.

bec :D

[Robyn]

Ugh. I had just finished a breakfast sandwhich from Jack-in-the-Box when I read your comment about chuncks of toast and stomach acid. Ugh. You should warn people before being so incredibly graphic.

I'm really not upset, just a little sick to the stomach! :-)

And your SIL? The word "tacky" just doesn't go far enough to describe how WRONG she was in sharing her pregnancy at Keven's funeral. Someone commented on the fact that if the funeral was of an 80-year-old, sharing the news may be considered approriate. But at a young man's funeral who spent the past couple of years dying? And in front of dear Holly???

I think your SIL actually makes me more sick than your graphic comment!

[nicole]

I agree with all the other comments, completely inappropriate behavior.

Best wishes to you, Julia. Keeping those fingers and toes crossed.

[Katie]

Yup, tacky.

I delayed the announcing of our engagement years ago because of a family funeral.

BTW, I would be at the OB's office banging on the door everyday for an u/s. You amaze me with your composer.
Katie

[Moxie]

I was one of those people who got pregnant easily and told people (OK, my mom and a few friends) right away (12 dpo). But at a funeral? Of someone who had been trying to conceive? Because she passed up a cup of coffee?!

I would have grabbed her by the hair and smashed her head into the wall. Or at the very least dragged her into the bathroom and yelled at her until she cried.

May she get incontinence, stretch marks, and hemorrhoids that she never knew existed.

[ValleyGal]

You know, I've been in SIL's shoes before. I was 6 weeks pregnant, at the funeral of a young man who left a devastated young widow, and people started asking me questions that could only be answered by revealing I was pregnant. I answered that question honestly, but very quietly, then asked that they not mention anything to the widow or any of the other mourners who were not party to that conversation, because it didn't seem appropriate... Which goes to my point that it is possible to reveal such news in that situation, without parading around like an asshat, and WITHOUT TELLING THE WIDOW!!!!

Also, what kind of dumbass cousin asks if you're pregnant just because you decline a cup of freaking coffee? Out loud? In front of everyone? Methinks the asshat problem might not be just confined to the SIL...

[Tanya]

so- so -so VERY tacky!

[Tonya]

The fact that a major portion of this sad tale occurs at a young man's funeral kicks the tackiness quotient up a notch. Here's the thing, even without the funereal hijinks I still think she needs to pull her head out of her ass. Do I understand the strong desire to shout such wonderful news from the rooftops? Yes, especially for that first pregnancy. Do I also understand that constantly talking about me, me, me causes acute boredom in others? Yes. Ugh. I am completely irritated by her self-centered, dipshit ways and I don't even know her. I am presently thankful of the latter.

I just finished off a huge helping of my favorite apple and bleu cheese salad. Listeria be damned. Oh, and I still drink coffee AND occasionally have a small cocktail.

I'm glad to hear that your morning sickness is bringing you more that just regurgitated stomach acid. May it be the harbinger of many, many good things.

Tonya

[barren mare]

Firstly- Meow! I love it- nobody gives as good catty as you.

Secondly, I cannot but help agree it was not only tacky, but down right self-absorded to the point of cruelty for SIL to come out with that the MEMEMEPREGNANTME stuff in front of Holly, who from the sounds of it, is class personified. What a contrast between the two.

[Julie]

Beyond tacky. Just plain insensitive to Holly.

[gretchen]

I don't think that I've commented here before, but I've read every word...

I'll be 12 weeks along on Saturday when I attend the baby shower of a girl I know, and I am intentionally waiting until after then to tell everyone my news. It's her shower, and she deserves to have the day revolve around her. Never mind the tacky comments that she made to me 1 week after my M/C in April; never mind that she is due only 2 weeks before I was supposed to be due; never mind that she knows that I've been TTC for over 2 years; never mind that she conceived approximately 6 weeks after taking her last BCP.

I can't believe that SIL was so inconsiderate and TACKY, and I hope that Holly missed a lot of her antics. I strongly believe in karma, though, and I know that SIL will get hers at some point in the future. Please let us know when that happens!

[Judy]

Wow - 44 replies. This has generated almost as many replies as 'foods that we miss from our child hood.'

I guess you hit a nerve, which means that there are more 'offenders' out there then there should be. If we pick them off 1 by 1 will anyone notice? I guess that's illegal and more morally reprehensible then just being an assclown. Maybe we could just get them really really drunk, and mark them with some kind of a determinant tatoo (like in Fight Club). That too would be illegal, but maybe only a misdemeanor rather then a fellony.

[Anna H.]

Call me bitter, but I don't think "tacky" even covers it. I'm so sorry that Holly (and you) had to deal with someone so very, very unkind.

Ugh. Stories like that make my ovaries twist into knots!

Sending you good thoughts as you make your way through the next weeks...

xxoo

[bj]

Yes, your sil should _not_ have told. It is not necessary, and not everyone needs to know. I couldn't have lied either, if anyone asked me straight out, but I would have asked the person to keep it in confidence. I do think the sister shouldn't have mentioned it, nor the cousin asked, though.

Of course your sil seems like she was just waiting for an excuse to make it all about her. I absolutely detest pregnancy divas. Hopefully you don't have to hang around her much! We all give you permission to ignore her e-mails and to be away from home when she calls.

bj

[Melissa S]

Miao- that's what italian cats say.

Also, I usually like to play devil's advocate in these types of situations....I can't here. I've really tried for the last, oh, 5 minutes. No. Totally tacky and classless and insensitive and my heart breaks for Kevin's wife.

[Kate]

I second the Thunder Stealing Is Tacky comments.

Like Sarah, I was 3 months pregnant at a good friend's wedding and girdled-up so as not to thunder-steal.

I can't fathom how someone could be so thoughtless as to reveal a 6 week pregnancy to a grieving, young widow. And what sort of reaction was she expecting? Did she think people would automatically snap out of their sorrow and start beaming joyfully at her?

You want tacky, though? A friend of mines baby was stillborn. Her SIL was 6 months pregnant at the time, and at the funeral announced to anyone who would listen "If it's a girl, we're going to name her after *friend's baby*." It was unbelievably horrifying.
WHY would you say that? How could that possibly be comforting to the mother?

[patricia]

"What,someone died? Can we talk about me now? Me, me, me, me?"

It's revolting and just reminds me once again, that naive, first-time pregnant women are the most clueless creatures on the planet.