A Don't Hate Me Letter

Dear My Favorite People on the Internet,

In junior high, I used to really like Ann Landers. She gave such sensible advice, and at thirteen I was very into sensible advice. One letter she printed has stayed with me for years. Someone wrote to say that they had recently taken a subway ride with a man who was letting his two children run absolutely wild. She and her fellow passengers got more and more incensed at the rude children and their oblivious father. He eventually intercepted her dirty look and said, "I'm sorry. We are coming from the hospital where their mother has just died. I just don't have the heart to yell at them right now." Whether this story is apocryphal or not, the point was well made and, I flatter myself, well taken. The Bible covered it too, as I recall, something about "Judge not lest ye be judged."

So, let me explain why we are bringing Patrick with us to the RE appointment this afternoon.

It's not that I am oblivious. I have read what everyone who has ever had to hang out in that lobby of hope and despair has had to say on the subject. I don't remember who covered this topic in a post (Karen? Julie? Grrl? All three?) but I read it carefully and I nodded and then I read all the comments and I nodded and then I wrote DON'T TAKE KID TO RE APPOINTMENTS in permanent marker on the wall by the phone. Because although one woman wrote to say, "I like to see those sweet smiling faces just before an ultrasound; they give me hope" the other 99 million said, "Sweet Mother of Holy Ireland- the PAIN! THE PAIN!"

And on my short To Do list for Thursday [1. Accept delivery of new chair-and-a-half for bedroom 2. Keep Patrick alive 3. RE appointment] you will note there is absolutely no #4. Torture someone.

But... here's the deal.

As people were commenting on all those tiny future voters clogging up an endocrinology waiting room they not only said "It's painful" but they also tended to add, "They should just get a babysitter." Now, muffins, we know that that is just the Devil talking. Good people like us never say, "You should....” What follows is usually asinine and serves only to reflect upon the speaker's ignorance of both the specifics and the generalities of someone else's situation. For example "You should just relax" fails to take into account that a woman can relax until she is comatose but it will not rid her uterus of scar tissue and it won't get her husband's sperm count up from 2. Right? Am I right, folks?

So what the fuck is up with "You should just get a babysitter?" You, my darling, might be able to lay your hands on 15 people who can and will drop everything to rush to feed your child raisins in your absence but we do not.

In our case:

*Mrs. Truly Boring was going to take Patrick until the RE called to change the appointment time to 3:15. This afternoon she has to pick up her children from school and then take her daughter to gymnastics ("But she should just bring Patrick to gymnastics..." Ah-ha! She ALSO takes her daughter's two friends and there is no room for Patrick in the car. "But she should buy a bigger car..." Yeah, right, ok. I'll talk to her about that.

*Every single person we are related to lives a minimum of 700 miles away.

*Even if they did not live yonder, they all have careers that tie up their afternoons. Yes, even my mother.

*My close friends here all work full-time, with the exception of the one who is running for Minneapolis City Council. While her schedule might permit greater flexibility than the others, she is, you know, devoting her time to public service.

*We do not use teenaged babysitters (as I am terrified of calling them on the phone) but if we did they are required by law to be in school during the day.

*We do use a nanny service and they are always available during the day, given enough notice. They are also $15 per hour plus mileage and they have a five hour daytime minimum. So a thirty minute RE appointment would cost us $85 for a babysitter. Now, I don't doubt that it might be worth it to YOU, my beloved fellow patient, to have us pay that much and leave Patrick but the problem is that it isn't worth to us. Because we are selfish like that.

So, Patrick will be going to our appointment with us.

We will also be bringing Bear, twenty books, his stroller, the mini Etch-a-Sketch, a bag of blueberries, ditto of Teddy Grahams, 2 pints of Yo-J, and the CD Walkman. I just bought the Complete Symphonic arrangement of Les Misèrables and Patrick is digging the revolution (You in the barricades listen to THIS/ No one is coming to help you to F-i-i-i-ght/You're on your own, You have no friends/Give up your guns or DIE.)

We will push him around the hallway until our appointment.

We will not roll the stroller over your toes.

We will not change his diaper on the reception desk.

We will not choose this moment to call my mother on the cell phone and loudly encourage him to "Say Hi Nana! Say I love you Nana!"

We will not be oblivious to the fact that you are seeing a reproductive endocrinologist and therefore by necessity are having a crappy time of it already and, equally therefore, do not need to be reminded of what you are missing by the obvious display of what we have. So, no trick-ponyisms.

In short, we will do everything we can to keep Patrick quiet and content during what I hope will be the incredibly brief time that we wait to see if there is any chance we might be able to have another one. We will endeavor to minimize discomfort: his, yours and ours.

By all means let me know if there is anything else you can think of that might make your exposure to the wee bairn more bearable.

And, that said, if you happen to see me there, is there any chance you could cut me some slack and not damn us to hell?

Thanks.

Love you guys,

Julia

Comments

[chris]

I'm right there with you. Since my son started preschool a couple of mornings a week, it's going to get easier. But it's not always possible to find a sitter or schedule around his very short class. And frankly, since my son hates all sitters of any kind, I really don't even bother with them. Good luck today.

[Gretchen]

Oh Julia!

I understand why young Patrick must accompany you, and I don't envy the looks that you are likely to receive while waiting for your name to be called. Perhaps you can print out several copies of this post to distribute around the waiting room? Of course, just by acknowledging ahead of time that some of the other patients may take offense, and working at hard as you know how to keep Patrick occupied, I think that it is unlikely that you will be labeled as one of those "obnoxious mommies" that we all grumble about.

Good luck with your appointment today! Please let us know what your next plans are.

[Elizabeth]

Pshaw. I think there is some kind of pretty land where babysitters ride their pink festooned Schwinns up and down the sidewalks looking for sweet chubby cheeks to nurture while parents see RE's and OB GYN's or, in my case, the lovely LCSW that helps me keep my brain inside my blonde head and not heaped, in pain, on the floor.

Oh, wait - your blog. Not mine.

*ahem*

Yeah, "should" ought to be an honorary 4-letter word. and parents WITH on-tap babysitters? Maybe not so much with the judging those of us without.

[wix]

i vaguely recall the 'no kids in the RE office' post. the thought has relatives in a million other places, and while not for precisely the same reason, the underlying sentiment is the same: we don't want *your kids* in *our public* because _______. you two are doing the best you can, and i think you are taking every precaution against offending any fellow patients, given the situation.

[AmyinMotown]

Hmmm. Perhaps you could print up this post and pass it around the waiting room?

My issue with any kids in any public place ever is behavior. If you're going to take your kids to, say, a restaraunt, keep them calm or resign yourself to 18 years of "family dining". While I don't think an RE's office is a great place for a kid, situations happen that cannot be avoided and it sounds like you have every possible eventuality covered to keep Patrick happy and amused while being sensitive to your fellow patients. And honestly? A little sensitivity goes a long way in these situations. My recollection of the previous posts on this topic were complaining about extreme and loud smoopiness and cluelessness (running a stroller over the toes). Would seeing a kid have bugged me in my RE days? Sure--seeing kids anywhere made me sad, even kids I knew and loved dearly and looked forward to seeing. But the mother/parents would only earn the Evil Death Glare if they acted as if the RE waiting room were Mommy and Me class. Kids exist, I would like to make one more exist, and sometimes your choices are agoraphobia or dealing with it.

Basically--I think you're covered, from a karmic standpoint.

[Tracy]

And this is why we need t-shirts showing not only our entire medical history, but now whatever happened to mess up our plans this day. "8 pregnancies, one child, you do the math, had a babysitter until RE rescheduled my appointment, whaddya gonna do?"

[Shelly]

I remember dragging my son to my appts. Fun. He was a bit older and could sit in the waiting room reading books or drawing. HOwever, as each child joined, I had more to deal with. More who are wild hooligans. Now to deal with them at my special needs child's appt are another thing. We bring tons of stuff for a 5min appt. I get looks and too bad, so sad. Hard as it is, they might be in the same place in the near future.

[Judy]

As someone who in general hates poorly behaved kids, which really is poorly behaved parents, even I think you're covered on this one. I'd say that an RE appointment is something you HAVE to do, and if you have to bring the kid so be it. You obviously know it's a touchy situation, so I imagine you won't let Patrick get out of hand.

I think it's kids at *optional* things like weddings, vacations, fancy restaurants, etc that really annoy me. And, parents that don't mind their kids even at necessary appointments really annoy me too. I'm reminded of two occasions:

- The infant screaming her head off in my Ob's waiting room while her mother sat by oblivously ignoring her and reading a magazine. My husband had to restrain me from commenting that day. 'Feed it, burp it, cuddle it. I'd appreciate any attempt you make to try and shut it up.'

- The three year old that sat squarely on my foot in the very same Ob's waiting room. And, me trying to get the mother's attention to get the kid off my foot. It really caught me by surprize and I had no idea what to do. 'Can I move it?'

While flying to London my sister actually had words with a mother that was denying her toddler a lolly pop. After enduring 10 minutes of a screaming tantrum my sister leaned over the aisle, looked the woman in the face and said through gritted teeth "give the kid the fucking lolly." It was hilarious, and the woman did give the kid the lolly. Myself and all the locally situated passengers were quite grateful.

Oh and, I like Tracy's idea of a T-shirt, perhaps we can all brain storm top ten slogans.

Good luck at the RE.

Judy

[Cathy]

This never bothered me - it was the flagrantly unsupervised spawns of satan that got on my hormonally charged (or not) nerves. But that happens anywhere and usually on an airplane in the seat right next to me.

So, don't sweat it. You have tact.

[Linda]

With this post, you are hereby absolved.

Amen.

[Jess]

Patrick likes Les Miserables? The kid has exceptional taste as do his lovely parents:):) Off to listen to the people sing now.....bye!

PS - Good Luck with the RE

[Julianna]

I'll begin with good luck today. I know it is a very important appointment.

Yesterday, I had retrieval. I was in the back for two hours which left my lovely M. in the waiting room for ......yes brilliant one.......two hours.

He finally was able to come retrieve me from my retrieval and we began our two hour journey home. Me in my glorified anesthesia haze, and he in his glad to be finally on the road daze.

Now, M. does not particularly like children. He doesn't actually become involved with them or care to observe them. I have really never seen him interact with a small child. I'm betting the farm that he will have interest in his own child however - we HOPE!

Anyway, during the drive, I asked him if it seemed like forever until I got out of surgery. He said yes but that he was occupied for an hour of it by a little girl in the waiting room.

He told me about a little girl in a dress who had little dolls. He showed me how big with the fingers of one hand so she must have had half the size of barbie little dolls.

He said that she was standing there and was telling one babydoll "okay, you are the mommy" and then to another babydoll "okay, you are the baby" and he said she talked out loud to herself for well over 30 minutes and that it was one of the cutest things he ever saw.

So, to whoever that woman was yesterday, who could not get a babysitter - thank you. Thank you for having such an adorable child that my husband can embrace the notion of parental bliss.

I hope Patrick was just as adorable and changed some husbands notion of what toddlers are like.

Good luck to you.

[dish]

Ok, first, Les Mis is my favorite all time performance, and you are way too cool for having it in a post and exposing your kid to the red and black.

Second, your consideration of the other patients' feelings goes farther than most who might bring their kids to a potentially sensitive place. For example, in my RE's office there was a woman with her husband and little girl in the waiting room. The kid was cute, but the whole family was a little too sugar-coated cute for my taste. And it was obvious that the mom was not one of us because she was actually smiling the whole time. Then, as the mom is going back to be seen, I hear her response to a question as "no, actually I'm the surrogate." Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that she was serving as a surrogate for another woman. Truly. But it was a bit too much of fertility flaunting for my nerves that day.

We'll get you that T-shirt for the appointment.

[Lisa T.]

People get mad about kids in RE's offices? I didn't know that. I certainly didn't notice or mind when I was doing my time, and if I did, I would have assumed that this was the product of the RE's expertise and I should see it as a good sign.

Good luck with the RE. If you go for IVF, just remember. It's easy if you take it one step at a time. Don't think of the whole process upfront or it will freak you out. Think of mini-goals - suppression, stims, maturity, ER, ET, beta. Voila!!

[meredith]

I seem to recall feeling the EXACT same way last December. I was truly horrified that I had to bring my son with me, but since it was the RE's office that screwed up my blood sample the first time (when I HAD a babysitter) I figured they could just deal. I did exactly what you plan to do.. wheeled him around the hall until they called me, then tried desperately to minimize his existance in the next waiting room until I got called. I felt so guilty about being in there yet not being entirely infertile. Like perhaps I should've shared with all those glaring folks the struggle I've endured to earn this little one and that I understand their plight. I felt like yelling "I've had 3 miscarriages, I swear! This didn't come easy!"

Hope the appt went well & you got some good news (it'd be about freaking time for that.)

Meredith

[Mollie]

How interesting; I was just thinking about the child in the RE waiting room heated discussion era. And wondering if I felt any different about it now.

My advice then was to give the receptionist your cell phone number and go off exploring somewhere until they were really, really ready for you.

It sounds like you covered your bases pretty well. I hope you got encouraging news at the doc today, and not too many death glares.

[Heather]

Okay, Judy of the "As someone who in general hates poorly behaved kids, which really is poorly behaved parents, even I think you're covered on this one" comment:

Did you not read and/or understand Julia's post? Christ-o-matic, that is never okay to think! It's not okay to go around assuming bad kid=bad parent. And that is the subtext of Julia's entry.

BAH!

[Brooklyn Girl]

See, I think intent counts for a lot. It's not so much the child in the waiting room that's a problem (at least for me), but the conspicuous parenting, as I think Grrl described way back when. And there's no way you could ever be that kind of asshole as your post attests.

Hope the appointment was a good one.

[B]

Before I had my son I had mixed feelings about this. A newborn - I'd have problems with, but an older child, as long as he/she was cute and did not sit on my foot, whine or throw a tantrum, then I'd be okay with it. Was that realistic? No, but that's the way I felt. If it happened where someone didn't meet my criteria, I'd be annoyed, but usually I'd just isolate myself further by focusing deeply on my reading material. Now I realize that life happens. People need to get over it.

Have a good appointment.

BTW - I have my transfer tomorrow and they moved my time up to 8am, meaning I need to be there at 7:15am. Fortunately, our daycare opens at 6:30am. Whew!

[Jenn (the one with Sam)]

Hey there,

OK I have to admit, I will never, ever understand why if you are struggling with infertility, seeing children is so horrid. I mean, that's what we are all striving for, what we all want. That's the goal of going through these struggles. Wouldn't seeing a woman in a fertility clinic with a baby or child make you think -- "yes, this clinic rocks, this lady got pregnant." I don't bring Sam to my RE purely because I don't think a two and a half year old needs to see me in stirrups -- but there's a play area for kids and there are always kids there. I guess I don't understand why success in conception should be something people should be ashamed of and hide. But yeah, I'm pretty naive that way.

Jenn

[Ninotchka]

Julia,

Thank you. I will never understand these steadfast **rules** some women set forth. If I'm in the waiting room at my doctor's and there's an amputee, should I step out and rip my arm off just to appease or "be polite"? It's ludicrous, right? So is this whole no kids at the RE bullshit.

I am all for compassion but sometimes these things can't be helped. I too am far from my family and my MIL didn't live near us when we were going through our SI so I had to take Natalie to drop off the "juice" at our local, friendly ART facility. What could I do? HALT all testing and treatment until such time it was convenient for a complete STRANGER not to see my child for 2 minutes? Where's the logic in that?

Why does it always have to be about comparisons, whose pain is greater than whose? Why can't it be, "Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this too. Sucks doesn't it?" Or nothing at all. That's what gets me, the things people feel free to say (or write). I didn't walk up to mothers of multiple children and spit in their faces yet I felt as though (primary) infertile women wanted to do that to me sometimes.

These women desperately want to be MOTHERS but they hated me because I was one. Where's the sense in that?

I'll never understand.

[Heather Ann]

I too was upset about the R.E. post because in many many public places you get the feeling that your children are not welcome and really, what are you to do? They aren't cats who can be left home with a litter box and two days worth of food to fend for themselves. They actually have to come with you most of the time when you leave the house. Babysitters are expensive and daytime appointments are hard to arrange a sitter for. I have no relatives in this city and am seldom able to arrange care when I would like to. Parenting is damn difficult and some days your children act like they are the spawn of Satan no matter what you do, even though your husband really is a nice guy. I have been given evil looks before - really doesn't help me to change the situation. Julia, I appreciated this post a lot.

[dana]

Sorry but I truly feel any homo sapien can find a babysitter for a couple hours. There are at least 5 pay by the hour day cares in my city and it's a fairly small city.

My RE has a strict no children under 15 policy in his office. Personally I don't mind if children are anywhere if their parents are sensible, but they almost never are.

Not to mention my REs office is very open and you always hear something, see something, feel the stress whatever; it's just not an appropriate place to bring a child over 3 or so IMHO.

GL w/ your appt.

[Slim]

A friend, the nicest woman in the whole world, once took off from work to watch my son so I could go to the REs (spouse was out of town). She moved. Daycare doesn't open until 7, and my large town doesn't have daycare by the hour. My town practically has knifefights among pregnant women competing for spots in the good centers. So when my son had to come with me, it really was a necessity. It was also a serious jackpot for him, because he would get just about anything he wanted (food, entertainment) as long as he would stay quiet for Mommy, please.
And if someone else's kid is sitting on your foot or whatever, use your nicest, chirpiest voice to get him off: "Whoops, sweetie, that's my foot!"

[Tracy]

Ninotchka, the great thing about compassion is that it works even for people whose difficulties you personally don't understand.

[wix]

aww! you shoulda left your reply to the north carolina asshat in place, julia. it was inspiring!

[Ellen]

I am personally not bothered by unruly kids in public places, because I don't have to deal with them, they aren't mine, and I have the luxury of just walking away. The only things that bother me are, seeing kids beating up on each other, being cruel to an animal, or being destructive. (Like the five, yes, five siblings I saw the other day DEMOLISHING the toy section at WalMart, while a teenaged employee tried mightily to clean up after them. I whispered to her to have Mom or Dad paged, immediately!)

When my kids were small, we had trouble finding reliable, affordable sitters.( One set of Grandparents lived far away, the others were as useful as tits on a bull.) My friends/neighbors and I helped each other, but more than once, I had my teeth cleaned with a baby on my lap. While I would try to be sensitive to the feelings of others, sometimes it's just not possible to get a babysitter. Kids are a fact of life, they do exist, and you might see one now and again.

[Ninotchka]

Tracy: Exactly. Very well put.

[Joanna]

"I truly feel any homo sapien can find a babysitter for a couple hours"

Dana, Julie has just stated she couldn't get a sitter - I guess that makes her sub-human then. You really have no fucking idea do you?

[joanna]

Sorry Julia dd posted before I typo checked. A child! A child! Run away screaming all you phobic types.

[anon party pooper]

Okay, I'm going to be the one to pee in the pool.

Yes, it bothers me when people bring their kids to the RE's office. Usually not EVERY kid, but sorry, on some hormonal days, every kid bugs me.

The thing is, the RE's office is seen by so many (or maybe just me) as the only public place of possible refuge from pregnants, babies, kids... the only place where you are not constantly reminded of what you may never have.

When I share a waiting room with others obviously in the same shoes, I feel less alone, part of a community. A lot of infertiles talk about how we feel "different" or "alone" from fertiles. This is the one place I don't have to feel this way. Until someone brings in a child.

I may never have a baby, and as we all know, going through all of this IF bullshit is hard enough. Can't I have a few minutes in my RE's office without that constant reminder that I get EVERYWHERE else?

I understand that it's completely unrealistic to expect never to see children in the waiting room -and that people get caught in a bind and have to bring their kids- but it's also unrealistic to expect those waiting to not be hurt or annoyed, either... no matter how "uninvasive" you try to make your visit.

So that's my 2 crabby cents.

[anon party pooper]

Oh, and Joanna,
just because patients don't want to see kids in the INFERTILITY office doesn't mean they are child phobic.

Some people are just more sensitive to it than others, that's all.

No need to be so cruel.

[Anna]

I really loved this post. I understand all the reasons why people don't want to see kids in certain places, even if I don't agree with all of them. But I'm really tired of the prevailing feeling of Parents And Children Are Out To GET YOU (I mean a general you, not Julia's you) and make noise/bump into you/breathe/live solely to stick it up your ass. We're talking about people here, and lives, not inanimate objects to be arranged for someone's convenience. Consideration goes both ways, and "You should" should definitely be used with caution, if at all.

Sorry if this sounds rude, but it's nice to see someone on the parent side of things. Hope you didn't get glared out of existence at the appointment.