Because Shut Up, That's Why

Oh for the love of Christmas...

I considered just letting this slide. Then I practiced another Spinning Backfist into the jugular of Fertility Issues, screamed "Heeee-Yaaaa!" and thought "No."

Sarah took time out of her busy day to add a comment to yesterday's post.

She wrote:

"I'm sorry, but I can't handle this. You have one healthy child. So many people can't even have that. Perhaps your focus is on the wrong thing? Take your child to the park. Enjoy the fact that you have him. How blessed you are. Some people constantly look for something MORE to make them happy. You ALREADY have a beautiful family. Just a thought."

Let's deconstruct this, shall we?

I'm sorry but I can't handle this.

Despite her better intentions, she is saying, she was driven to comment. Was I really being that irritating as I described the ultrasound and its aftermath? I can't believe it. I was trying to be brave, actually, because it hurt to find out that the embryo had died and I was getting rather attached to that embryo. But I would rather focus on a positive future than get bogged down in all of the sorrows of the past.

You have one healthy child

Technically, I had one sick child this weekend. I was so scared that he might have some rare and serious disease that I slept on his floor Thursday night. It wasn't rational but he had never thrown up before and I didn't know what to do. I am merely pointing this out because Patrick's brief illness added to the overall crappiness of a very crappy few days. But I do understand that Sarah was referring to his fundamental good health, which is indeed a blessing. Unlike the embryo that just died due to severe deformities that proved to be incompatible with life. Is that the distinction that was being made? That seems a little harsh, don't you think?

So many people can't even have that

Ah-ha. Yes, the sharp sword-stick of primary infertility. Touché.

Now I am acutely aware of the fact that many of you are struggling to have your first child. In your heart of hearts you may feel that your plight is worse than that of a woman who already has a child. Hey, maybe it's not just in your heart but on your lips. And you know what, honey? I would never argue with you on that one. I honestly believe that everyone else's pain is worse than mine, I really do. Nothing occurs in a vacuum, and all of the little griefs and big tragedies of life can combine to make the same general circumstances appear very different to different people. Losing a parent makes infertility harder. Childhood trauma makes infertility harder. A troubled marriage or an incredibly close one can make infertility harder. So maybe you have never had a positive pregnancy test and it hurts so badly you can barely get out of bed. Maybe you desperately wanted your third child to be born before your mother died of breast cancer and the poignancy of that loss is still with you.

My heart breaks for both you. There will be no comparisons of grief here or assertions of who may suffer. Absolutely not. No. And that goes for me, too.

For a little while there was a teeny-tiny heart beating in a teeny-tiny body and I had hopes for that little heart. Last week I learned that it had stopped beating and that is sad. It might be sad like a sparrow caught in the rain or it might be sad like the galaxy growing cold; it just depends upon your perspective.

Perhaps your focus is on the wrong thing?

A loss deserves to be acknowledged. I cannot think of anything more offensive than the assertion that Patrick's existence negates the importance of the short spark of life that might have been his sibling. Really, how horrible of you. What a dreadful thing to write. What a inhuman thing to believe.

Take your child to the park. Enjoy the fact that you have him

Are you implying that I am not meeting Patrick's every little need? That I am somehow neglecting him by miscarrying? By being sorry that I miscarried? Fuck you. Patrick is our entire world. From the moment he wakes up in the morning Steve and I are never more than a few feet from him. We read and sing and paint and garden and take long walks in our woods. The only time I cried at the doctor's office on Thursday is when the nurse told me to go home and hug my two year old. I couldn't help it as I choked out, "I just want him to grow up with a sibling."

How rude to doubt my ability to mourn a loss and still be a devoted and excellent mother to my son. THAT made me angry. Very angry. So angry that I almost stopped being sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Almost.

How blessed you are

Yep. You don't even know the half of it. I also have the metabolism of a squirrel.

Some people constantly look for something MORE to make them happy

But... but I wrote "I am going to keep trying to have a second child and I am going to be happy while I am doing it. Tra-la-la." Jeez.

Besides I just had my millionth pregnancy loss. I think I am doing really well under the circumstances.

You ALREADY have a beautiful family

Do you say this to everyone who wants more than one child, or just the ones who are miscarrying? Do you get invited many parties?

Just a thought

This was not just a thought. This was mean. You wanted to make me feel bad and I am trying very hard not to feel bad right now. You failed, by the way. I now feel sorry for you and even more determined to get what I want for my family. So bite me.

Now back to my kickboxing. Did you know there is a move called the Throat Attack? We should work on that one.

Comments

[Toni]

AMEN!!!!! I've never read a better post!!! Fuck you Sarah!

[Michelle]

Julia,

I read your blog religiously, having followed you all the way from your old iP diary. (I am a dedicated lurker though and almost never post.)

First, let me say how sad I am to read of this new loss. I am so sorry.

Second, I just read your 9/1 response to Sarah's vile comments. Just had to weigh in with a thought or two of my own. Julia, you go girl! Sarah, go shove it!

Hugs!
-Michelle

P.S. I hope you don't mind if I steal that "Do you get invited to many parties?" line the next time I cross paths with a cyber snake. Good one!

[Amanda]

Julia, I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that on top of everything else.

[Tina]

You go girl!

I am so so sorry about your loss. And the insensitivity of this poster. Of course you mourn your loss. You are a MOTHER. This was your CHILD. Yet another child lost.

Patrick is so lucky to have you. You are a wonderful mother to him.

You fight this battle Julia - My money is on you as the winner. You will get your beautiful baby sibling for Patrick. I pray it is so. Enough of this darn pain for you.

Tina

[Allison]

I just started reading, and I want to say that I'm so sorry. Losing a pregnancy is a terrible loss whenever it happens. I don't understand people who make comments like this. Can't your loss be sad along with hers? I suppose I might understand why some people think like that, but I will never understand why they feel the need to say it.

Take care of yourself.

[Melanie]

Julia - I'm so, so, so sorry for your loss. I also followed you from your old diary and have never posted. But, I wanted to give you loud "hurrahs" for your response to Sarah. I have actually been told those EXACT same things (almost verbatim) by a NURSE at a now "fired" ob/gyn following a miscarriage. You eloquently rebuffed Sarah in the way I only wish I had done to that evil nurse!!! What people don't realize is that it doesn't matter if you have 1 child or 10, if you yearn for another and can't conceive, or do conceive and suffer a loss, it still SUCKS!!! The loss of a dream hurts.

Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for being brave enough to share your thoughts with us honestly.

Hugs!
Melanie

[Kellie]

Julia, I am a long time reader first time poster (grin)

I was so so so sorry to read your post about your miscarriage..I'm so sorry, there is nothing at all I can say other than I'm so sorry. When I read it my stomach fell your hope for this pregnancy was so clear and I so hoped for a different ending...

and to Sarah, I say fuck off...your bitterness is probably something you should be working on and not beating on Julia because of it...

go pound sand

[Jessica]

When I read your detailed post yesterday about the ultrasound and the ensuing weekend, all I could think of is "she is soooo brave. Such spirit and such determination in the face of such a really, really, crappy event". I was simply oozing admiration.

That's why this particular poster's comment really took me aback ... I've never read a less whiney, more determined to be happy-inspite-of-all odds entry on such a sad subject than yours (not that anyone could be blamed for ingulging in an all-out sob-fest upon hearing such sad news. But you know what I mean.) So .... you rock. I think that's what I was trying to say. :-)

[Laura K.]

Yep, pretty much she's a bitter bitty.

When I was going through infertility, I was not any less empathetic of someone having a miscarriage (be it their first, thrid, or seventh) than I am now. It sucks. I never thought, "Why is she complaining about a miscarriage when she already has a child?" No, I felt badly for the person(s) experiencing the loss. Feeling bad for myself about not having a baby was not such an exclusive thing that I didn't feel for others. It's the same thing that causes me to feel bad about anyone having ANY type of miscarriage, not just one that seems worse or happened later than mine. It's all horrible and unfair, and you're right, deserves to be acknowledged.

My guess is that Sarah has never had a miscarriage or never gone through it with a close friend or relative, because I think she would certainly have a different perspective on it if she had. I would hope so, anyway.

If Sarah's intentions were to encourage you to focus on the positive in such a negative time, then clearly she hasn't read much of your blog. Although I don't think her intentions were to encourage you at all.

Sarah, get out of the freakin' bitter barn. Oh, and stop posting mean comments.

Laura

[SarahB]

Grrr. I can't believe some people. I've never once met another Sarah that I've liked, and this horrible poster seems to further support that trend. I think you handled the situation perfectly, though.

I hope little Patrick is feeling better now, and my thoughts continue to be with you.

[Lola]

I actually read an article about TTC/infertility after miscarriage (the study group apparently only included nulliparous women) in some medical journal a few months ago, and it referred to this phenomenon as secondary infertility despite the obvious fact that miscarriage = no live birth. Make of that what you will. I think if nothing else it shows how useless and misused this label is anyway.

Oh well, what I really wanted to say is that I'm really shocked that anyone could minimize the loss that you have suffered Julia, regardless of whether you already have a child or not. It's so destructive and senseless to compare painful experiences or assert that anyone's pain is worse or less awful than anyone else's. I'm sure that poster is in a lot of pain right now, and that she can't see the proverbial forest for the trees as a result. But it's no excuse for unleashing that kind of venom on you.

Take care of yourself, and please knoe that so many people have you in their thoughts and prayers right now.

[Jenni]

Well said Julia! I'm so glad that you seem to be doing okay . I was getting worried when you hadn't posted in a few days.

Hope Patrick is doing better!

Jenni

Oh, and my husband is missing the empathy gene also!

[Sarah]

Julia, I am so sorry for what you are going through. There is nothing that anyone can say to make it better.

This other 'Sarah' is giving all Sarah's a bad name - SarahB, there are some out there that aren't all that bad!

[Shannon]

I go over and over this one in my head... I had a m/c after having been blessed with twins from an IVF cycle, and it hurt like nothing I've ever experienced before. I think, for me, it hurt even more than the two losses I experienced before IVF. But you're right - it's totally fruitless to compare pain for pain. Each person's pain is different, molded by circumstance, fed by fear... For me, before I became a mother, my pain was so many things, and a big part of it was the fear that I might never have a child. The loss I just experienced was indeed different, but perhaps even more raw. I mourned the loss of that little life. Period. The fact that I had two loving kids kissing me and wiping my tears away did little to diminish that grief. It wasn't self-pity. It was pure, unadulterated grief. And it's NOT about not being thankful or not being aware of how blessed I am. It was that a little PERSON DIED. And I'll never know the color of her hair, the shape of her lips. And she'll never know how much I loved her. I don't know how to better explain it...

And, actually, I don't know why I AM trying to explain it. I think you already know what I mean. I guess what I'm really trying to say that I'm so sorry, so so sorry, both for what you've just gone through and for what you've had to defend yourself against.

"Yep. You don't even know the half of it. I also have the metabolism of a squirrel."

Bitch. No wonder you can suck down the chocolate. AND you have nice hair.

(totally said in the spirit in which your comment was intended and I do not, in fact, think you are a bitch no matter how fast you burn off the oddly-textured Kit Kats. You rule, to fight back so eloquently. One of the best best things I have learned from blogworld is that lesson, to not get into a competition or a comparison of pain. It sucks to want a baby and not have one, whether it's your first, fourth or seventeenth, and it hurts no matter whether you're mourning a miscarriage, stillbirth or never being able to get pregnant at all).

[StacyG]

This has to be the same Sarah that posted on my blog. The subject was nothing as serious as yours. It dealt with the endless sea of pictures, blinkies, tickers, glitter names, etc. you see on discussion boards and how much I hate them. In response Sarah posted this:

"Oh honey, when you are pregnant you will be doing the exact same thing. Things look a little different when you're on the other side.
-Sarah"

I wanted to say to her...um, no, I won't because I would never be that intentionally insensitive to someone else. I decided she meant well and was going to let it go. After all, everyone has a right to their own opinion. After reading what was posted on yours...I am so angry! How dare she say something so totally asinine to you. She was way off base and totally insensitive. She is obviously one of those who never "get it."

I am sorry for the loss of your baby. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Kate]

I have three words:

WHAT THE F**K?

As if having one baby (which only came after many heartbreaking losses) makes up for the fact that you've lost so many since him.

What a bitch.

[Megan]

THANK YOU for saying that. I have a 15 month old daughter and have experienced 3 miscarriages in my attempts to give her a sibling. I'm SO tired of people trying to make me feel guilty about wanting another child and ungrateful for the child I have.

[Kimj]

While I am so sad about your loss, I am thrilled at your "fight." You are inspiring, you are eloquent, you are funny as hell and truly have one of the quickest wits I've ever encountered. You are a devoted mother, loving wife and you have more to give....and why shouldn't you be entitled to do so?

I applaud you for going after it with such vigor. I applaud you for smiling when I am sure inside it takes every ounce of your being to do so.

And lastly....I applaud you for using the word CUNT.

What a precise descriptor for such a horrible, selfish, heartless, bitter, "I am feeling sorry for myself so I am going to take it out on Julia" person. Definitely one of my favorites, reserved for only the most dire of circumstances - or most hideous people.

I only hope that Sarah has stuck around to bare the brunt of the backlash her stupidity summoned and reflect on how miserable she is - but cowards rarely do. If you can't take it, don't dish it out.

You kick ass.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Julia--I'm in awe of your ass kicking. Seriously.

[Mollie]

Rock on, girlfriend.

[tenn]

Thank you for your blog. I'm a new lurker and I don't think I've ever posted, but I thought I'd add my two cents. You are brave and eloquent and I am deeply sorry for the loss of your child. Anyone who would suggest you have no right to your pain is a true asshat.

Infertility is an equal opportunity nightmare. My pain at knowing that at 35 I am barreling headfirst into menopause and that a donor egg is my only chance at giving birth to my child sucks. But, having never been pregnant, I can only imagine the searing, gut wrenching pain of a miscarriage. I am truly sorry for your loss and I wish you only joy from this moment on.

[Milenka]

Oh, fuck. Julia, I am so very, very sorry that some people are assholes. You have every right to grieve and every right to desire more than one child. I'm sorry that some people can only lessen their own pain by lashing out at someone else. *sigh*

[mipmup]

this was hilarious.

[Christine]

HOOOOOORAH!!!!!!! I read that comment and it has haunted me. I am currently experiencing my seventh loss. I have one son (age 2). Every loss is a loss of a baby and it hurts. I wanted so badly to post something, anything, to let you know what I felt about her comments. I came back today determined to find those words and found that you had already said them!!!!!! Good for you!!!

They're talking to us about IVF with PGD (due to both the fact that this last loss was ectopic and the IVF would decrease the risk of recurrence and for the PGD to look into why so many losses). It may be more than we can afford and I fear this is the end for us. I will be watching eagerly for you to succeed where I may not.

Christine

[Christine]

And, OMG, I LOVE the squirrel metabolism comment!!!!!! (and I SO hope it's true)

[Emily]

Miscarriages suck, period. It is a loss, period.

You have a special way of telling people to eff off and for that I take my hat off to you.

[Sam]

Yet another lurker who is inspired to finally post. All I want to say is thank you so much for this post. I am experiencing secondary infertility and have "only" had one miscarraige while trying desperately to have a sibling for my 26 month old son. I say "only" because I am acutely aware of how many people, including yourself, who have gone through the unbearable pain of a miscarriage on more than one occasion. I have been through it once, and it was one too many times. I cherish my son just as you do - he is my life. I also lie awake at nights imagining the desperate lonliness he may feel one day when he says goodbye to his only remaining parent with no sibling around to soften the blow. Neither my husband nor I are only children, and I have no idea what that would be like. I want the best for him; I want him to have all I had in life and more. That includes a close sibling relationship. I feel more pressure now that I did when we were trying to get pregnant with my son. The months are ticking away. Hell, it's been over a year already, so I guess I can say the years are ticking away. The longer it takes, the further apart in age they are (assuming it will ever happen which is doubtful at this point).

So, in summation of my slightly drunken ramble *hiccup*: You rock, I feel where you're coming from with regards to the sibling thing, I'm sorry you suffered yet another loss, and the next person who tells me I should be grateful for what I have I will call a cunt and walk away.

[Corinne]

And yet another lurker seeps out of the woodwork as I am so taken aback by this horribly inconsdierate post of Sarah's.

I won't go into a long post about all the things I feel and think about what she wrote since so many lovely ladies here have already done a great job of it, (yourself included) but the one thing I wanted to point out which I don't think has been done yet is this: last time I checked, it is your blog to write whatever the fuck it is you want and if you want to write about how your loss affects you, then that is your right. That has always been my issue with these blogs and diaries, that people get so bent out of shape for the shit you write on YOUR site. To come and make comments such as the one Sarah posted is indeed mean, and intended not as a random thought or pondering but with the purpose of inflicting some sort of guilt upon the writer for having the audacity to FEEL and have their own opinions. I fucking hate that.

You are in no way being unreasonable with the things you have written on this site, I think what you have endured with all these miscarriages is horrible and you have handled it all so well, with such maturity, dignity and grace. But for someone to come here and post "I just can't handle this" or whatever it is she said, makes me so fucking mad because who the FUCK asked her to handle anything???????? You would think from her comment that you had erected billboards all over the state with a picture of your crying face, holding up your child and underneath the picture is the caption "He's Just Not Enough!!!!!!! Fucking please.

And though I haven't been through secondary infertility myself, I can only imagine how hard it is for you to handle all that you do, every day. In some ways, I would imagine that getting pregnant and miscarrying so often is almost worse than not getting at pregnant at all. To get your hopes up and then let down over and over again has to be emotionally debilitating and draining. And yet you still do it all and take care of your son and manage to come up with these incredibly intelligent and thought provoking entries - you should be commended, not criticized.

And not to worry, it is clear to everyone here, I am sure, that you are in no remote way neglectful of your son. It is so obvious from the things you say how much you love him, dote on him and put him first in your life. "Take him to the park" - when I read that I wanted to punch somebody.

Keep on keeping on Julia.

Corinne

[alice]

My goodness, but that was a satisfying post.

[Kathee]

Hi Julia! It's Kathee from iP! Girl, I read your blog and just never get the time to write to you because I usually get about 5.5 seconds to myself during the day.

Anyway, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how you are feeling. I've never experienced a m/c. I can only assume it sucks ass. Plain and simple.

You used the C word!! LOL...I LOATHE that word, but how fitting for you to use it. Sarah can piss off. Too bad we all can't find her and kick her up the ass!

You are a wonderful mother to Patrick and as usual, you have made me smile with your writing. Thank you!

[Ninotchka]

Like a broken record: GOD BLESS YOU, JULIA!

Way to shut down that nasty little rat. Some people never learn, do they?

[Dana]

I figured Sarah was some bizarro who gets a kick out of doing stuff like this. Don't give it another thought!

Hugs.

[kim]

"CLAP CLAP CLAP"
The sound of me standing and clapping feverously for your lovely response to the BITCH ( as i can't bring myself to use that other word..although it SO WORKED WHEN YOU USED IT!)
I have not had a miscarriage myself, although many of my friends have and i cannot believe that someone would dare even speak to you that way! However not unlike some of the comments we got through our 6 yrs of trying for a sibling for our son....Yes we love him...yes he is wonderful but is it wrong to want another? No it is not....and Iain thinks his little sister is pretty great!

[hazelblackberry]

Hi Julia,

I've only just found your blog and as with so mnay other blogs, I'm quite surprised when people feel the need to post mean and nasty comments. It's not as though this blog leapt onto Sarah's screen and forced her to read words she found offensive. She took the time to find this site and get her knickers in a knot about the whole thing.

Maybe she goes into skimpy bars and then runs to the police to complain about the wanton display of loose morals she was obliged to witness.

hb

[Sherry]

It's amazing to me that there are people in this world who don't realize simple, human, dignity.

I'm with you on the kickboxing training. Get me my gloves!!! Aw hell, gloves are off...

[Julia]

Sing it, Sista!!

[Danae]

Bravo!

[Jen P]

I'm awed by this brilliant ass kicking. I'm glad you didn't let it go Julia. Your words had to be said and I'm glad they have been. I hope all the other nasty lurkers out there read them and shut the hell up and stay away from us all.

[Debe]

Wow, to use Sarah's logic, anytime one sibling dies, the parent should just focus on the remaining sibling(s) and not grieve at all. So, my friends who just lost their 5 year old to a brain tumor shouldn't grieve, just take their older child to the park, right?

What a bitch!

[Faerie]

Wow...I'm a de-lurker as well, and also a "Sarah" and I agree, she makes the rest of us look horrible.

I wonder if this "Sarah" also goes by "Angela" on another board, as I swear that kind of comment has been said many times to many friends...

I am so sorry for your latest loss and your previous losses, how incredibly heartbreaking. You are a true fighter and I say ROCK ON!!

[Julianna]

Hoo yaaaa!

that was my meager attempt to make a karate sound on a computer.

I have been thinking of you for a week and couldn't believe you are now having to deal with THIS bullshit.

GEEZ

You rock

[Liz]

Julia - BEEYOOtiful. Truly.

Sarah needs a serious dicksmack. Or actually, she IS a serious dicksmack.

[DeAnn]

You're wonderful, Julia. I don't care if you already had eight "healthy" children, you are entitled to mourn this loss and any others in your life. Hell, if you didn't mourn, then I'd worry about you as a person.

That said, I'm so tired of obnoxious people who feel the need to post something vitriolic, but do so anonymously. It angers me to no end. If Sarah really feels that strongly about it and/or believes in what she says, she would at least provide an e-mail address, right?

If her name is even Sarah, and if she's even a she. I actually doubt both.

[Dee]

Julia--not to be a broken record, but you kick some serious muthaf--king ass!

Sarah clearly is a miserable bitch, jealous of all that others have--whether it be good or bad, and desperate to try and make someone feel as shitty as she does. Fat chance fuckstick! You messed with the wrong barren bitch(es).

Losing a baby sucks--whether it's your first pregnancy, third, seventh, tenth, and so on. It is the loss of a life, a dream, and a piece of you as well as a piece of your heart. There is no pain Olympics--no one wins in this. And no one should have to suffer the fantastical bullshit that was Sarah's post.

Last week, I was told that my baby was not long for this world and underwent a D&C. It was, for me, mentally debilitating but my pain is no better or worse than any other infertile's. We each suffer and hurt, in both different and similar ways. But I am inspired by brave women such as you who go on, who hold their heads up rightfully, and fight with such eloquence. I take strength from your example and want you to know that you are simply incredible...

And one hell of a fine mother. Patrick is one lucky kid.

[Crystal]

Well, guess I'm going to be the voice of dissent again.

Not because I believe the vitriol that poured forth from Sarah's keyboard was in any way useful... Or kind. Or meant to be helpful, or anything other than completely self-centered.

But because I don't give two hoots about Sarah. She can rot in the pit of anger she's sulking in, for all I care.

I do happen to care about *you*.

The Julia I've been reading for what, almost 3 years now? Sheesh, Patrick's birthday is in March, isn't it? Aw, hell...

Anyway, in all that time, I've never seen you respond with so much anger and hurt, to anyone. Even when it was richly deserved.

Julia, please, think about not being so strong, and talk to someone. A grief counselor, if need be. A friend. Someone you don't feel you have to be strong with. Call *me* again, if you need to, if you just need someone to scream at, someone to let your hair down with, whatever. Perhaps that wasn't effective in the past, but the offer still stands.

A site I post on has quotes that people add, one of which being something along the lines of: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill your enemy. It's not that your feelings aren't justified, but I'm worried about their impact on you right now.

I remember all too well what it's like, thinking that if you dare to escape that brittle exoskeleton and leave the hardened part of yourself behind, you'll wither into a quivering mass of immobile jelly. You won't. At least not permanently. But if you don't shed it, and dare to face the rather considerable burden of pain that has been heaped upon you from a very early time in your life, not only will you not grow, but you'll harden, layer upon layer, from the outside in.

The human psyche can't take assault after assault this way and not grieve properly. It doesn't work that way.

Having now butted my nose in where it doesn't belong, I'll leave it here, say I'm sorry as always for yet another terrible loss of a beloved baby, and tell you I'll keep my nose more on common ground from now on. Actually, hopefully I'm just way off base. Yeah. I like that idea. Unfortunately, I'm seeing red flags, so I took the risk. I hope you'll forgive me.

Crystal

[Burnt Karma]

I've come over here from Chez Miscarriage and wanted to lend my support. You have been through something more than horrible. There isn't the right word to describe how horrible that must be. You are entitled to your grief. This "sarah" is denying you your grief. That's emotionally disturbed in my book.

I am so sick of people saying we should count our blessings. Ever noticed that the ones who say this never really understand what blessings are?

((((((hugs)))))

[JK]

Julia,

You are truly amazing. Next time I see you I'll show you my best kick boxing moves. My favorite move can be seen in the Matrix done by Trinity where she does an aerobesque type move and kicks the person over her head...

Here's a pict for you ... http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&id=1807428853&cf=pg&photoid=476157&intl=us

Way to kick Sarah around!

J.

[Jen]

Over the years I've come to understand that what people want and need most when they express grief is someone to listen, comfort and just be there. They don't really want advice or to be told how to handle something, which is how I interpreted Sarah's postings. She was trying to tell you how how she thought you should feel and act in your situation.

It is true that Sarah may be angry about events in her own life, or just plainly not understand why someone would be upset about a miscarriage. Not understanding someone else's pain doesn't give us the right to be nasty about it, does it? I recently suffered severe mental side effects from some anti-malaria medication I was taking and I can tell you there weren't many people who understood my uncontrollable crying over little things, but those that warmed my heart the most were the ones who comforted me and were just friendly.

No one was trying to shut Sarah up as she claimed, because her comments are still up in the blog, but her advice is not the kind of stuff a person suffering a miscarriage wants to hear.

Julia, I'm glad to see you have so many kind friends who are supportive and encouraging to you at this terrible time. I hoep you get to feeling better soon.

[Megan M]

Hi, I just surfed in from Grrl's site. I am so very sorry you have had to deal with this bullshit after what has just happened!

I understand what it's like having people "attack" you because you WANT to have more children. I am neither a PI or a SI - I just have a fucked up reproductive system! I lost my first pregnancy at 16 weeks. Second pregnancy at 6 weeks. Third pregnancy lead to my daughter being born at 38 weeks. Fourth pregnancy ended @ 4 weeks.

I am in month 9 of TTC and my daughter turns 2 this month. I grew up with a younger brother and my husband has 4 siblings, so I would love for our daughter to have at least another sibling. And I am NOT wrong for wanting that. Neither are you!

Fuck em all! Everyone feels pain differently and NOBODY has the right to tell someone else their pain is stupid or wrong. Ok I seem to have gone off in my own little rant, SORRY!! LOL!

But I am sorry for you loss. Keep on fighting for what you want!