I'm Impulsive Like That

After I wrote that post yesterday about possibly getting insurance to cover the FISH test I smacked myself. Because, really, our insurance has not actually paid for it. They haven't even promised that they will. All I have are the written opinions of a couple of doctors who just happen to be affiliated with the health maintenance organization that just happens to be the medical arm of our insurance company. My naive assumption that they will feel some obligation to honor this bill ignores the small-print: Any commitment to assume partial responsibility for legitimate medical expenses should not be construed as an actual commitment to assume partial responsibility for legitimate medical expenses.

Do you want to know what my problem is with managed care health systems? The inherent conflict of interest. Insurance, all insurance, is a gamble. My homeowners' insurance policy bets that my house won't burn down and I am betting that it will. In the case of health insurance, I bet that I am going to get sick, $500-a-month-sick, and my insurance company is gambling on their belief that I will not. That is all very good and well and I have nothing against free enterprise, but when the same company that is betting I will not need medical care is the employer of the only doctors who can order that care for me... well, it gets dicey.

I can tell you flat-out that I would cost my insurance company less money with IVF than without it. I mean, provided it doesn't turn out that Steve is 98% lethal. They are about to pay for my fifth D&C (oh right, I'll tell you about that,) not to mention the zillion blood tests and early ultrasounds and near-daily OB visits for which they have coughed up over the past five years. Help me get a genetically normal embryo started and I will disappear like a mist. Keep me trying unassisted, however, and there is nothing except my own fragile sanity to keep me from going through doomed pregnancy after doomed pregnancy until the cows come home. Well, until I stop being able to conceive at any rate.

So I guess my post-pregnancy loss waiting threshold is two weeks. For two weeks I sort of cruise on auto-pilot and hope my body will do something on its own. At two weeks I snap and think, "OK, enough waiting" and call my OB's office. This is sort of the way I approach haircuts, only in the case of my rapidly darkening locks I usually do nothing for four months and then realize that if I don't have my hair cut in the next two hours I will go stark staring mad. In a rare retrograde moment, both events occurred simultaneously today and I got my first haircut since May this afternoon. And tomorrow I am having a D&C.

The timing could be a wee bit better, what with Steve leaving for Chicago as soon as I am home and more or less conscious. I know, what are we going to do with him? He's reaching levels of near pirate-like callousness. I suggested that maybe Patrick and I could just head down to Chicago with him (my plan was to then throw myself in Lake Michigan) and he said, all shocked, "JULIA! You will have just had a D&C!"

I replied, "Oh, gosh, my angel dream rabbit, do you think I might be feeling poorly afterwards? Maybe I shouldn't be left with the sole care of a two-year old all weekend."

He pointed out, reasonably, that I could have scheduled the D&C for after the weekend.

What can one do when I insist on immediate gratification for all of these little whims? Did I mention I also had my eyebrows waxed today? And when the door fell off our dishwasher on Monday (no, really, look)

I frivolously bought a new one not 24 hours later (just for reference it wasn't just the rather spectacular fall-apart; we hated this dishwasher. And my new one has a coolie cool flat silverware rack at the top. Steve insisted on stainless steel which is so-o-oo this millenium's Harvest Gold, but I kind of like it. Pre-retro kitsch if you see what I mean.)

So my new dishwasher is being installed at 8 tomorrow. My D&C is scheduled for noon (oh! Great news! The nurse who conducted my pre-admittance interview said she was sorry I had to go through this but we can always try again! Imagine my relief.) And my husband is heading south as soon as I can answer the question "How many fingers am I holding up?" with a number, any number.

Patrick and I will be watching The Red Balloon over and over and over again this weekend. I will be letting him eat crackers in our bed as we read stories. If there is a choice between my having to get off the couch and Patrick coloring on the walls allow me to assure you that we will have murals by Monday. I am announcing the beginning of Toddler Anarchy, Chez Moi.

Feel free to stop by. Bring wine.

Comments

[Megan M]

Julia,

Good luck tomorrow! I will be thinking about you (as u think to yourself "who the hell is this?" - I am a lurker). I have never had a scheduled D&C - only the type where they become emergancy because I am hemorrhaging to death.

Personally I would smack my husband right upside his pea-brained head if he were to leave me alone with our 2 yr old a couple of hours after a D&C. But thats just me - I tend you use brute force when needed.

As for the whole haircutting thing - I totally understand you!!! I will whine about needing a hair cut for 2 months or more, then one day out of the blue I have to have my hair cut within hours or the world is coming to an end!! And depression and my hair do not get along! Everytime a deep depression sets in - all my hair disappears! It gets chopped super short.

But anyway (i am babbling, can ya tell??) good luck and maybe see if you can have someone come over and make you and Patrick dinner.

[patricia]

So many things to touch on here.

Fucking insurance. And of course you are right about it being ultimately cheaper to just help you find a good embryo. Preventing future expenses doesn't ever appear to be a topic of interest for insurance companies though. I always find it interesting that they pay for D and C's for non-viable pregnancies, when it's "voluntary" to have one.

I'm right with you on the immediate gratification thing. I get pissy when I have to wait a week to cut my hair.

And your husband...oh,well. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't think most men have it in them to get it, this miscarriage nightmare.

A little extra fourteen hours of TV won't hurt Patrick, just this once.

[shannon]

I wish I could stop by. I hope many, many others can and do with LOTS of wine.

F***kin' HMO's! Those evil bastards.

And thank god your dishwasher killed itself, giving you an excuse to get a new one.

[bluepoppy]

Oh please get some good rest-- isn't there a neighbor or neighbor's daughter who could come over for a couple of hours this weekend to spell you? The Red Balloon IS my all time favorite film in the world and I know it will heal you, but you do need rest, too.

Let's hope the dishwasher gets delivered and installed on time . . . and I'll be sending you good love and energies for a quick recovery from the D&C.

BYT, did anyone else constantly think "D&C" while they were running the DNC convention this summer-- I did and it was driving me nuts.

[ValleyGal]

What I learned from my most recent D&C (which was #2 and happened on Friday): The OB will let you pick your post-OP narcotic pain relief if you ask!

Goodbye, haze inducing Percocet. Hello, my lovely bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, pain-removing friend Lortab.

Well, there ought to be at least some upside to the process.

[Blue]

Thinking of you and wishing you the easiest possible weekend.

[Summer]

From experience, I can assure you that Magic Eraser will remove all drawings from your wall unless they are in ballpoint pen. Crayon, highlighter, pencil, colored pencil -- Dorian helpfully provided me with samples in a variety of media so I could scientifically test the powers of the Magic Eraser. So let Patrick go to town, and introduce Steve to Mr. Clean when he gets home.

I wish I could make this less shitty for you.

[Karla]

Julia
Am on next flight out
Will be staying as long as you need me
Will be bringing illegal amounts of wine
Will be bringing my new book "How to train husbands into being good by smacking them on the nose with a newspaper"
Will also be bringing obscene amount of gifts for Patrick

Just you say the word and I am at your (and Patricks) beck and call.

[jenni]

I hope everything goes okay. I know the anxiety you are feeling. Well, not about the D&C but with being alone with a 2 year old and in pain, physically and mentally. I really wish husbands would get a clue. I asked my husband to sign on to my classes while I'm in the hospital and he groaned. All I can think was, "They're going to cut me open but I shouldn't inconveince you!"

[Toni]

I continue to marvel at your bravery..and your husband's ability to leave at the wrong time. I have a Steve too - and I asked him the last time if he would have left. His first question "Was I playing golf all weekend or only one day?" Nice huh?

If you live in the Chicagoland area or southern Wisconsin, let me know. I'll come up with my daughter and let her play with Patrick. And I have TONS of wine (going to drink myself tonight) and would love to share it with someone!!

Sorry you have to go through this...I'll be thinking of you!!!

[Jodi]

Good luck, I will be thinking about you.

As for Steve, make sure Patrick eats crackers on his side of the bed. When Larry did the same thing to me, I got a stack of graham crackers and polished them off on his side of the bed. Then a friend came over with sandwiches and I had her eat it in his side of the bed. When he got home, he wasn't thrilled but I think I got my point across.

[emily]

Thinking of you.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Julia--You're a marvel, honestly. I hope all went well today, and I hope you have some peace this weekend.

[B]

You waited longer than I would have. My husband can be either incredibly sensitive or very Steve-ish. Is Steve an engineer by any chance?

I'll be cracking open a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc in your honor. Cheers to you.

B

I hope that you and Patrick get through your weekend without too much trouble. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but I think doing the D&C is the right decision (I didn't chime in with my opinion on that question, but I thought about it). I've had 6 natural m/cs and they're not fun. Plus, the sooner you get this over with, the sooner you can move on to getting that baby. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

What is it with husbands and pregnancy problems anyway? I had outpatient surgery to remove a cyst from a fallopian tube on a Thursday as part of our workup for SI. Mine was annoyed when I suggested that he should make arrangements to take our 5 year old to preschool on Friday morning. Maybe it's an XY chromosome thing. There's a song in, of all things, "Mary Poppins," that has the line "While we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid." I always kind of liked that line....