In Which All Is Revealed

#1.

Steve’s sperm were delivered to the loading dock of Shdy Grve hospital. I can’t tell from here, being 1100 miles away, but I assume the hospital is pretty close to the PGD Center? Spitting distance perhaps? Does close count in horseshoes, hand grenades and semen sampling? No matter; they are gone, missing, fini, AWOL. Perhaps they are hurtling through some antiquated vacuum-tube mail delivery system, perhaps they hopped the Red Line to Tenleytown… they are dead to me.

Tomorrow poor Steve (who finds this entire process intensely embarrassing) will perform on command again and I will chauffeur the new troop of tiny reprobates into Minneapolis. The lab manager told me that Federal Express told her that they could not give any assurances that this would not happen again. They suggested that she write: DO NOT DELIVER TO ANY OTHER ADDRESS on the package. Yes, Fed Ex suggested that. I always thought that was sort of implied when you paid a parcel delivery service to deliver your parcel but… OK. What I find so baffling is that the PGD Center does genetic testing for people all over the country. How do they usually get their specimens, carrier pigeon?

Now that I think about it, the guy who will be doing the FISH test mentioned in an email that he is actually going to be visiting my clinic tomorrow- hey! Do you think I can just ask him to bring it back with him?

#2.

The actual D&C took four minutes, according to the post-OP nurse. Perhaps she thought this would be reassuring but in truth I was appalled. Steve takes longer than that to floss. How could my OB possibly have treated my uterus like the Ming vase it is in less time than a commercial break? The mind boggles.

Physical condition after D&C: excellent. Minimal bleeding, no cramping. Terrible sore throat from where they stuck the tube in while I was under general anesthetic and lingering post-anesthesia headache but all in all, not bad.

#3.

Summer wins her next Burmese meal on me for both successfully guessing the first asinine thing the nurses said to me and for conjuring up that delightful, high-protein Ben & Jerry’s flavor: Spunky Monkey. I bow.

I saw, let me make sure I get them all, seven nurses for my D&C on Friday. Each one started by establishing that I was there for a D&C for a missed aborti… miscarriage. Then, like so many clock-work parrots, they said, “Well you can always try again.”

Ladies, do you think trying again is my problem?

Then, after they got a handle on the number of pregnancies, miscarriages and D&Cs I have had they grasped the one salient point: “At least you have your son. That must make this so much easier for you.”

One, whom I later learned had been through fertility treatments and has one child as a result, went on to say, “Some of these women come in here so upset [by the fact that they are having a D&C following a miscarriage] and they already have a child… I just want to tell them, to tell YOU, that you should get down on your knees and thank God for what you already have.”

Let me assure you that this remark is even less palatable when you aren’t wearing any pants and the person delivering these sanctimonious nuggets is digging around in the back of your hand trying to find a vein.

I grinned at her and nodded and said, “Oh yes. YES. That is so true. I feel that having my son makes any future children expendable.”

She said, “Exactly,” but looked uncertain.

#4.

I hung up on Steve at 3:20 on Saturday afternoon. He walked in the door at about 9:30 Sunday night. He said, “Hi sweetie” and I said, “I am going to bed.” And I did. Then he was on a business call when I got up this morning and did not get off until after I had taken Patrick to communist playgroup. I did not speak to him until after Packy went down for his nap at 12:40.

So, unless you count the terse bed announcement we went 45 ½ hours without speaking.

#5.

Steve called Saturday morning and said, “You sound terrible.”

I said, “Yeah, my throat is still really sore and I have an awful pounding headache.”

“Well, take it easy.”

“Right, I am. How are things there?”

“Oh fine,” he said, “I pulled my hamstring so I am out for the weekend but BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH and then Q-Tip ran BLAH BLAH and Boston actually….”

What I heard was: I pulled my hamstring, so I am going to be sitting here in the middle of a polo field doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for two days while you are most likely getting sick plus bleeding and cramping plus taking care of a crazy two year old all day long.

I said, “You pulled your hamstring? So could you come home early?”

There was an almost imperceptible pause and Steve said, “No. No, I’ll be back tomorrow night as planned.”

I ended that conversation by saying that I had a problem with this assessment, but we could talk about it later.

It was only when he called back that afternoon and asked how I was and then said, “Make sure you are drinking plenty of fluids” that I snapped.

FLUIDS? I don’t need orange juice, you asschunk, I need my husband to come home and take care of our toddler so that I can take a fistful of vicodin and go to bed until Monday. Monday’ish.

So I delivered a brilliant ex tempore speech to that effect and slammed the phone down. Then I threw all of our phones into the basement and put The Red Balloon on again (and yes, Virgina, Patrick ate about two pounds of sesame snack sticks on Steve's pillow while I cheerfully reminded him to wipe his hands.)

Steve was flattened and gray when he got home and has been suitably chastened ever since. He was wrong. He knows he was wrong. And I’m cool with that. He is sort of my bitch now, if you can say that respectfully in a loving and fully actualized marriage. Among other things, he is suddenly 190% in favor of IVF (since he suspects that the last D&C drove me over the edge)- provided the FISH results look ok. He’s asked me 50 times if I want to get a masseuse in every week for a while. He ordered all sorts of computer games that he thought we could play together. He called around to the various clubs and we are going to take tennis lessons this winter. OK, so I married a guy who tends to try to solve problems with… money. Can I say that? It’s so tacky, but it’s true. It is not my way, growing up in the 'hood, but I can sympathize with the intrinsic limitations that have left him with such a scarcity of tools.

He’s trying. At least he’s trying.

I am SO GLAD I hung up on his ass, though.

Drink fluids, my...

Comments

[Christine]

So much going on.

I would say that if you're going to ask a more-or-less stranger to cart around a cup of your husband's semen for an afternoon, you might want to bake the guy some cookies. Maybe brownies.

As for Steve, well, Paul has a habit of turning my tantrums, even when they are clearly his fault, into an amusing anecdote for our friends. Starring me, the Overreacting Asshole. I would much prefer the material goods.

The nurses were inexcusable. They all should have known better, but the one you told off really should have known how to be supportive instead of patronizing.

Hope you're healing - physically and emotionally.

[Jennifer D. (Momto4darlings!)]

I was busting with laughter at you dear Julia! Mark was sitting over on the couch and kept asking me what my problem was and I just said "Julia...she's a riot". I adore everything about you and I wish upon a star that we could meet in person. We have more in common than you know and maybe one day, if at all possible we can meet over dinner...and wine. ;0)
Soak up all the attention Steve gives no matter what it is...you deserve it all.

Lotsa love and prayers~
Jennifer :0)

[kim]

Your D&C encounter reminded me of the death of my first pregnancy. I finally told the story, of some of the asinine buttchunks out there, and you might appreciate it. Find it here:
http://familiars.blogspot.com/

[Tertia]

And he should pay, dearly. Keep him as your bitch for as long as possible.

Its good to hear you sounding so determined, combative as you say. Love that expression.

[Julianna]

My thoughts have been with you.

I think your husband should stay your bitch for a month at least!

Take care of yourself!

[barren mare]

Problem solving with money? Maybe your husband should give E. lessons. In this house, problems tend to be solved by some non-specific whining and groveling- the catch phrase "what am I supposed to dooooooo?" is often in evidence. I'd prefer some material goods too.

Hope you are feeling better, I am so sorry you had to go through that.

[DeAnn]

You are so much stronger than I am. That's all I can say.

[bluepoppy]

Oh yes-- buy my happiness with money. I'm nearly certain this was on that long-ago list of qualities I wanted in a perfect mate. I can't quite recall since it has been so long, helas. Perhaps I have blocked it out as I am married to a Scot--- god help me, so I have had to do all the money spending for TWO in this family. The burden.

But you came through this hellish weekend like a firebird! You go Julia!!

[Tracy]

>

Okay, this one goes way beyond "typical insensitive remark" and is well into "way out of line and should be reported to her supervisor" territory. Seriously. You need to work yourself into another righteous fit of anger and do that. The only similar comment I got was from the nurse (who was also, coincidentally, trying to start an IV in my hand for my retrieval) who told me that her sister adopted a child and then YOU KNOW WHAT. :-P

And don't you think Steve's embarassing need to perform again might be just a teeny bit of karma? ;-)

[Monica]

I've spent many, many hours at Shady Grove and I can tell you that it's most definitely not in spitting distance of the hospital. Perhaps you could try UPS this time??

[kate]

My apologies if this is inappropriate, but. . .I think I love you. Seriously. I'm glad you hung up on Steve, too.

Last night at my women's-only A.A. meeting, I was sharing how my husband once commented on my depression by saying, "Why can't you just be like me and go with the flow?"

Oh god, how I WISH I could just "go with the flow". I envy men, I really do. Except for that appendage that hangs between their legs I honestly envy them.

[Robyn]

That last post was mine. Don't know what happened.

[Danae]

#6 You are a saint. Drink lots of fluids with those vicodin, girlfriend.

[Mar]

You're a much nicer person than I - I would have had the locks changed while he was gone. Of course, eventually I would have opened the door, and given him the key - but I would have made him sweat for a little bit, at least ....

And tell Steve if he had stayed home and taken care of his wife, maybe Fedex might not have lost his "guys" ... you know, kharma points and all. I'm just sayin' ...

[Emily]

You are such an amazing writer that I sit there enthralled until the very last word and am always disappointed when the post is over...you could write the back of ceral boxes for me and I'd sit there for hours...

So, I wonder about these nurses that say stupid things. When they are deciding on a career path, do they assess their strengths and weaknesses, such as, "Not very compassionate, unsympathetic and likes to give sanctimonious, pedantic assvice" and then decide "Oh yes, I should be a fertility clinic nurse, those skills would be put to good use there, watching women with their heart on their sleeve come into the office." Unbelieveable.

Take good care of yourself, very good care.

[Judy]

OK, I think I would have castrated Steve while he was asleep, and Fedex'd his severed lucky charms to the FISH lab. But seriously I think as Steve's punishment he should have to whip up another batch, and bring it (in person) to the FISH guy visiting your clinic. "Hi my name is Steve, and my wife Julia told me to bring my 'stuff' in."

Also, I think you showed considerable restraint for not telling off each and every nurse you encountered. The nurses at my D&C didn't really talk to me. Based on what you said that was probably a good thing.

Hey, there is nothing wrong with throwing money at a problem. I tend to lean towards theraputic shopping, especially after a miscarriage, so I applaud his desire to make things right with a little flow. Personally, I think you've earned a pretty bauble to go with that weekly massage.

Hoping you are still healing well and keeping Steve your bitch. By the way, I agree with the previous posters. Steve earned his extra performance by his jackassedy behaviour.

Love, love, love to you-

Tonya

[Valerie L.]

He he he "asschunk" is like the best term ever. I love you for making me smile. And I'm sorry you have to go through all this. But keep that kick ass attitude. :-)

Hi Julia,
I'm new to your blog - found you thru chez miscarriage - you and grrl provide a new definition to the word "strength" and "perserverance". I'm about 16 months into infertility and have been on the receiving end of some really stupid remarks from well meaning people but I tell you, those nurses take the prize. Someone needs to write a book about WHAT NOT TO SAY to us folk. Jeez, is it that hard to have empathy, oh wait, I guess it is.

Good luck to you, and thanks for letting me read - it gives me guts and humor in this very un-fun process.

[diana]

Hi Julia,
I'm new to your blog - found you thru chez miscarriage - you and grrl provide a new definition to the word "strength" and "perserverance". I'm about 16 months into infertility and have been on the receiving end of some really stupid remarks from well meaning people but I tell you, those nurses take the prize. Someone needs to write a book about WHAT NOT TO SAY to us folk. Jeez, is it that hard to have empathy, oh wait, I guess it is.

Good luck to you, and thanks for letting me read - it gives me guts and humor in this very un-fun process.

[Sherry]

How is it that a period in your life that I'm sure was so shitty, cracked me up??

Let him make it up to you. Whatever it takes, girl.

Those nurses...there is just NO excuse for stupidity.

I wish you all the strength in the world...

[Eli]

Just have to share a comment that one of the 10,000 lab techs drawing my blood made after my 16 week miscarriage on May 8th this year. Although there was a symbolic teardrop taped to the outside of my door, and I was very clearly on the floor of the hospital where miscarriages and other pregnancy complications are handled, she so cheerfully wished me a "Happy Mother's Day" the next day. UGH! Thanks for kicking me while I was down lady! I am sure she meant well.....

Julia, thank you for having such a wonderful way of making even the most horrible situations seem hilarious. You ROCK!

[bec 34]

I know you don't *really* care at this point, but yes, spitting distance, or more like a few traffic lights. FedEx probably thought: it says Shady Grove and it is a medical thingy, it must be going to the hospital (the hospital where my lovely son was born and later had his precious life saved, by the way). I assume by PGD center you mean Shady Grove Fertility -- they are not affiliated with the hospital in any way, I don't think, but both happen to be located on Shady Grove road, hence the name.

Doesn't surprise me-- the hospital sent all my stuff to the wrong insurance when Ethan was born, even though I filled out all their preadmission forms. FedEx has no excuse though.

Feel better!! and say yes to the masseuse!

bec :D

[chris]

Your husband went off to play polo this weekend? This is very Princess Diana-esque and unexcusable. Really, I think he should have to make this up to you. A lot. I would punish him to no end, but then, I'm probably not very nice.

[shannon]

I don't really get who in his right mind would leave you on such a weekend. I am shocked, actually. I am very glad you hung up on him, and if money is his way of making restitution, TAKE it. Take it all, baby.
Glad he's trying to make it up to you at least. But really, I don't get it...

[wix]

Not that I'm one to genuinely advocate violence as a problem-solving tool, but...Can I be first in line to give Steve a pie in the face? And also in the line to do the same to that nurse? Even my husband, who is more than a little bit oblivious to the finer points of the "what not to do" list, couldn't believe Steve would leave you at home to care for Patrick on your own.

[jenni]

Well, at least he knows he messed up. My husband is unaware of his do's and don'ts also. I think it's a genetic malfunction on the male part. I honestly believe my husband thinks the kids take care of themselves. ; ) I hope everything is still good. Some nurses need to be taught that what sounds good in the head may not sound good outloud!

[Laura K.]

#1: I'm a little disappointed that Steve's jar o' lovin' didn't have a more clandestine destination. But, FedEx not being able to guarantee it won't happen again? And asking you to write something about delivering it to ONLY that address? Remind me not to send anything important via them!

#2: Glad the operation went well and your recovery is going okay, physically.

#3: Those nurses were nimrods, every last one of them! Sheesh - you would think they would be more sensitive, seeing this all the time. They really should use their filters.

#5: Can we say DOG HOUSE?! Wow, Julia, you did ream him good, and he deserved every bit and then some! I hope he had some good stewing time after your hangup - sounds like he did. Way to go!

How long until you get the FISH results (presuming that the specimen makes it to the right place, on time)? I'm anxious to hear what they find out.

Laura K.

[alyssa]

julia, your blog, as always, is brilliant. your stories touch my heart, and while we don't know each other i, too, grieve for your losses.

as for steve, please don't take what i'm about to say as a condoning remark about his behavior, because his behavior here sucks. but i think that sometimes, some men are so utterly freaked out when the women they love get sick, that they have to leave town so as not to watch it. again, not saying this is right. just saying it is what it is.

[ValleyGal]

A little acquisition therapy never hurt anyone, especially when it's done by a husband who has learned an important lesson...

[ECM]

You know why I'm a stupid hooker? Instead of like- I dunno- writing you nice, encouraging emails and sending you virtual flowers or I dunno lighting a candle or something I'm going... "she hasn't updated since monnnnnnnnday! whyyyyyyy? is she not feeling goooooooooood? i hope she's okaaaaaaaay."

Here's hoping you are taking good care of yourself, other people in your life are less whiney than me, and your husband's spunk is only where it should be.

Liz

[OliviaDrab]

Julia, I am very sorry for your d&c and all the experiences surrounding it. The nurses should be bitchslapped by a hand wearing a heavy nugget ring on each finger, especially the one so eager to agree your future children are expendable. With my d&c I only had one heartless bitch who chirped that it wasn't so bad and in two years I won't even remember why I was there. They should train those people in human sensitivity.

Good luck with Steve's newest army frontline. Taking FedEx out of the picture certainly improves the odds dramatically.

[Severine]

I am so sorry you had to deal with such insensitive nurses during your D&C. I know my D&C was one of the more traumatic experiences in my life, especially since I had no time to prepare for it even. I found out in the morning I had a missed miscarriage, and only hours later I was in the operating room. I guess I should count myself very lucky that the nurses I had were quite compassionate (even though my IV blew out of my hand), but to be honest, I just wished at the time that nobody would talk about it. Instead, they all seemed to feel it was their personal mission to do whatever they could to keep it on my mind constantly. (((hugs)))

As for your husband, at least he tries to make things right. It's far more than most men would try to do.

[Julie]

Okay, everyone else has covered the important points. I just want to add that my inner sixth-grader read the word "polo" and immediately thought: faaaaaaaag.

DISCLAIMER: I insist I am not a homophobe, nor even much of a Stevophobe. I am instead merely an immature asshole who can be counted on to find the most inappropriate response to any situation.

Liz, thank you for putting my thoughts into words. Although I must day that I've never called myself a stupid hooker; I prefer bitch.

Anyway I was thinking, and perhaps Steve is the kind of person that doesn't take well to changing his plans at the last minute. Granted he should have, but there are prefectly nice people out there (myself included) that don't handle last minute plan changes very well ("The sky can't be falling now, I have a Tee time to make"). I hope that is the case, and if so please tell him for me that he needs to work it.

I hope your doing well Julia, and if you're not I hope you feel better soon.

Judy

[miss]

http://www.delphipublish.com/middlesex/griggstown/wwwboard/messages/1856.html clungglisteningkeyboard