Never NEVER Tempt The Insurance Fairy

SEE? See what happens when you gloat? Nemesis licks her chops and smites you but good, that's what happens.

Wednesday, as I said, I dropped off Steve's vial of gelle de vie. Semen, man joy, whatever. I checked their notes, told them sternly that it better get off safely, bid the stuff a fond farewell and then trusted the Andrology Lab to take care of things.

Actually, I didn't. I went home and emailed the director of the PGD Center affiliated with Shdy Grve who will be doing the FISH testing (LOVE him, LOVE him.) I told him they would be receiving a specimen from us on Thursday and wanted to make absolutely certain they had all of the information they needed.

Friday morning, this morning, he emailed me to tell me that they had not received the sample. The sample that was supposed to be Overnighted on Wednesday.

No fucking way, I said. I called the Lab (the one that took my $1600 check but refused to print a receipt for me to start the insurance reimbursement process until the specimen was sent out, bastards) and asked what happened. The young lady said they might not have sent it overnight, she would check and call me back. I emailed the FISH guy and repeated what I was told and then asked if this would interfere with the testing.

He emailed me back (this is the DIRECTOR of the center, amazing- what a guy!) and said that he had spoken to the Andrology Lab and although they had sent it out correctly, FedEX had delivered it someplace else. No one knew where. We might need to get them another sample.

This sounds so suspect to me. FedEX just randomly dropped a biohazardous package (heh heh, Summer, you're funny) on some unsuspecting industrial park tenant?

Although I am intensely irritated, I am also highly amused. A Federal Express commercial this indubitably ain't:

SCENE OPENS TO SHOW A SMALL FACTORY, STRANGELY QUIET. A MACHINE IN THE FOREGROUND GUSTS BLACK SMOKE AT INTERVALS. A FEW WORKERS (MAKE SURE WE GET A GOOD RACIAL MIX. OH, AND SOME WOMEN) STAND IN GROUPS, CLEARLY ANXIOUS. A KINDLY-LOOKING MAN IN A SUIT (CAN WE GET BURL IVES? OH? DEAD? WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT GRANDFATHER FROM THAT SHOW. YOU KNOW, HE DID THE OATMEAL SPOTS) SCRUBS HIS FOREHEAD AND GLANCES AT THE SHOP DOOR.

He speaks: I am afraid that if we don't get the replacement part soon we'll never make the Hong Kong deadline. And... (falters)... those holiday bonuses were really riding on this one.

DOOR SLAMS OPEN AND FEDEX DELIVERY GUY MARCHES FORWARD, LIGHTLY DUSTED IN SNOW AND BEARING A SMALL BOX. EVERYONE CHEERS. WORKERS SLAP EACH OTHER ON THE BACK AND SOME EMBRACE.

Owner, beaming, fumbles open the box: Well, I guess, thanks to Fed EX we just might have a happy... what the?! This isn't a new DX-4823 capacitor!

HOLDS UP BLUE-LIDDED PLASTIC JAR.

Why, it looks like.... oh my god!! Is this....??? Ewwwwwwwwww!

CUT SCENE

So where do you think Steve's sperm are? The National Zoo? Visiting the Smithsonian? Hanging out at Georgetown Prep?

I am going to wait until tomorrow to talk about the D&C. Right now I am going to bed.

Comments

[Jen P]

*smacks forehead* I hope tomorrow is a better day Julia. I hope all of next month is better. <3 And damn, when appliacnes go to hell for you, they really, really go to hell. I'm impressed.

[Christine]

My guess?

Intercepted by evil scientists who are going to extract the DNA and grow it in a lab. They will develop large, mutant, (+/-) translocated sperm that they will then release on an island with the eventual goal of turning the place into an amusement park. Think: Spermatic Park.

Do you think Laura Dern should play you in the movie?

Hope you're doing okay.

[Emily]

Oh for crap sake. Remind to never count on federal express for say, an organ or something. You'd think that the guys who do the biohazard deliveries would understand the concept...not replaceable, don't screw up.

Sorry about this. Hope it gets straightened out soon.

[Laura K.]

Wherever Steve's boys have been sent, I hope they send you guys a postcard. :)

Laura K.

[Allie]

You crack my ass up!

[Janis]

omg.. Laura- now I am having bad thoughts! Remember the commercials with the traveling gnome? For some hotel chain?

Picture Steve's sperm going here and there, postcards from each destination "Great beach, wish you were here!" "Staying out of the hot tub - food's great, wish you were here!"

Okay.. I need to go get some coffee. Not quite awake or sane yet.

I hope you get this worked out Julia!

[Rebekah]

Oh my goodness, Julia! Have you told Steve yet that they dropped his guys off at the wrong place? I can just imagine the look on his face when you give him the news. Obviously, I'm sorry that they messed up, but the scene from above is hysterical ... I was thinking along the same lines when I read that they had sent the sample to the wrong place. Good grief.

[Summer]

We use FedEx all the time to send passports back to our clients. Usually they are very good, but when they fuck up, it's spectacular. Once, in one week, we had two extremely critical packages misdelivered. One for Texas wound up in Michigan, and one for Florida wound up in Boston. Both clients missed their trips, and the Florida one was for a Russian adoption, which we felt awful about, but it was FedEx's fault, not ours. When I called FedEx to give them hell about the Florida package, the FedEx rep told me it was because of "air traffic controllers" forcing planes to land at different airports because of "security reasons". I'm sorry, but a plane flying from the Memphis FedEx sort facility to Florida doesn't accidentally get rerouted to Boston. You put my package on the wrong plane, asshole. I can understand a mistake, but I can't understand the reason for the lies. Moral of the story is that Steve's stuff might not even be in the DC area. It could be anywhere.

FedEx should be able to tell you where Steve's vial of love eventually landed, but there's got to be an expiration date on that stuff, right? I'm sure he'll wind up making more. That's not too much of a tragedy... I can tell you that if my husband left me for the weekend BOTH after finding out about an imminent miscarriage and after the D&C, he'd be forced into making samples for quite a while, if you catch my drift.

I'm glad you're feeling well enough at least to get up and post. I'm thinking about you....

[Brooklyn Girl]

Of, for heaven's sake.

[Brooklyn Girl]

That was "Oh...."

Must find some caffeine.

[quiltingchaos]

I feel sure that Steve is about to become the proud papa of a new human-panda hybrid named ling-griff-griff.

[sara]

If I get that package on Monday when FedEx is supposed to deliver a box of speedy-but-quiet 80mm case fans, I'll take a picture of it for you in front of the Empire state building and turn it into a postcard for you. :) "Wish you were here"

Amusing to wonder where it'll end up. :)

[jenni]

I'll check my mail! : )

[shannon]

I used to sub at Georgetown Prep, so I prefer to imagine that particular scenario. I can see the look on the secretary's face!

Hope your weekend is okay so far.

[Heather]

I don't want to jinx you or anything, but John worked for FedEx for a while and one time a fellow employee (who would only go by "Wedgie," it even said that on his name badge) ran over a package of prized bull semen with a fork lift.

Also, I think it was Wilford Brimley, though I always wanted to call him "Wilford Grimley."

[Laura K.]

Janis - I loved those traveling garden gnome commercials - hilarious!

Now I, too, am picturing Steve's sperm with a British accent saying, "I feel like a naughty rock star!"

By the way, Julia, I'm also with Summer on the part about Steve making up for the two poorly-timed weekends away. But he IS a guy, so I'm sure providing a sample isn't that horrible of a thing to do anyway.

Laura

The least they could do is send postcards. "You thought you could force us into the laboratory. WRONG. We have escaped your foul clutches. The picture is of a nice tropical beach. The sperm holding the Mai Tai is me."

[Dawn]

My husband says his men probably went to be stunt doubles on a Porn Movie. He also suggested you may want to pay extra for the tracking feature they offer. HaHa!

[Danae]

Oh, for the love of Bob. I wonder if FedEx will reimburse you. What's the fair market value of semen these days?

[OliviaDrab]

Gosh, I hope it didn't go to the zoo. Although it could be funny in a terrible, horrid way if it made its way to the zoo as they were preparing to inseminate KooKoo the panda.

[Jen A--Evelyn's Mommy]

OMG, not only is that one of the funniest things I'VE ever read, but I just had to share that with my husband, who is now holding his sides, he is laughing so hard.

[tricia]

So much for Where's my Gnome? You could have Where's my Sperm? instead.

[Sanorah]

Aahhhh.. i was gonig to post this:
"I sure hope they don’t inseminate Lulu the panda with what they thought was a top quality specimen from the Japanese zoo."

But quiltingchaos & OliviaDrab beat me to it! lol.. poor little spermies.

Thinking of you lots lately.

~Sanorah

[cursingmama]

If the guys are MIA, and a new "batch" must be substituted...I'd demand the tracking number from FedEx, then you can track the pkg all the way across the country.
I've had the similar experiences with UPS & FedEx as Summer - 95% of the time they're great, but 5% of the time the F-up in most spectacular fashion, which is why I am a tracking number fanatic.

[Kristine]

This gives a whole new meaning to wondering where you're husband's sperm has been.

Hi Julia,
I hope you survived the weekend and are feeling better!
Did you ever find out where Steve's sperm ended up? Kind of like "Where's Waldo"!

Love to you and your family!

Jenni

[ECM]

I think my funniest thought of the day is sure to be "Ooooh! I'm going to check Julia's blog and see if she's found Steve's sperm!" Now there's a thought you don't get to have every day.

Good luck hunting down the troops,

Liz

[tenn]

Egads! I sure hope your hubby's boys don't wash up on a beach somewhere with Tom Hanks. Have the morons found them yet?

Love your blog and am a frequent lurker. I truly wish you the very best and hope your dreams come true. BTW- I'm in DC and a Shady Grove hopeful myself. Hopefully with the help of a donor egg, they'll get me pregnant in the next couple of months. God, I hope they know what they are doing......

[dayment]

I don't find this surprising since FedEx and Kinko's merged. Now I trust neither of them.

I hope they find his gelle....

P.S. Wilford Brimley (sp?) At which point he would hold up the cup and say "It's good and good for you!"

[Severine]

I love the picture you painted of the FedEx commercial for this... that was exactly the sort of thing I was thinking of when I read your update that said there was no guarantee they wouldn't, once again, deliver to an address other than the one on the box. Besides that, don't you think when someone else got the package and saw what was inside, they would have tried getting it to the addressee? I know I wouldn't hold on to something like that!!

I am sorry you have to go through all of this, though...