Because Shut Up, That's Why

Oh for the love of Christmas...

I considered just letting this slide. Then I practiced another Spinning Backfist into the jugular of Fertility Issues, screamed "Heeee-Yaaaa!" and thought "No."

Sarah took time out of her busy day to add a comment to yesterday's post.

She wrote:

"I'm sorry, but I can't handle this. You have one healthy child. So many people can't even have that. Perhaps your focus is on the wrong thing? Take your child to the park. Enjoy the fact that you have him. How blessed you are. Some people constantly look for something MORE to make them happy. You ALREADY have a beautiful family. Just a thought."

Let's deconstruct this, shall we?

I'm sorry but I can't handle this.

Despite her better intentions, she is saying, she was driven to comment. Was I really being that irritating as I described the ultrasound and its aftermath? I can't believe it. I was trying to be brave, actually, because it hurt to find out that the embryo had died and I was getting rather attached to that embryo. But I would rather focus on a positive future than get bogged down in all of the sorrows of the past.

You have one healthy child

Technically, I had one sick child this weekend. I was so scared that he might have some rare and serious disease that I slept on his floor Thursday night. It wasn't rational but he had never thrown up before and I didn't know what to do. I am merely pointing this out because Patrick's brief illness added to the overall crappiness of a very crappy few days. But I do understand that Sarah was referring to his fundamental good health, which is indeed a blessing. Unlike the embryo that just died due to severe deformities that proved to be incompatible with life. Is that the distinction that was being made? That seems a little harsh, don't you think?

So many people can't even have that

Ah-ha. Yes, the sharp sword-stick of primary infertility. Touché.

Now I am acutely aware of the fact that many of you are struggling to have your first child. In your heart of hearts you may feel that your plight is worse than that of a woman who already has a child. Hey, maybe it's not just in your heart but on your lips. And you know what, honey? I would never argue with you on that one. I honestly believe that everyone else's pain is worse than mine, I really do. Nothing occurs in a vacuum, and all of the little griefs and big tragedies of life can combine to make the same general circumstances appear very different to different people. Losing a parent makes infertility harder. Childhood trauma makes infertility harder. A troubled marriage or an incredibly close one can make infertility harder. So maybe you have never had a positive pregnancy test and it hurts so badly you can barely get out of bed. Maybe you desperately wanted your third child to be born before your mother died of breast cancer and the poignancy of that loss is still with you.

My heart breaks for both you. There will be no comparisons of grief here or assertions of who may suffer. Absolutely not. No. And that goes for me, too.

For a little while there was a teeny-tiny heart beating in a teeny-tiny body and I had hopes for that little heart. Last week I learned that it had stopped beating and that is sad. It might be sad like a sparrow caught in the rain or it might be sad like the galaxy growing cold; it just depends upon your perspective.

Perhaps your focus is on the wrong thing?

A loss deserves to be acknowledged. I cannot think of anything more offensive than the assertion that Patrick's existence negates the importance of the short spark of life that might have been his sibling. Really, how horrible of you. What a dreadful thing to write. What a inhuman thing to believe.

Take your child to the park. Enjoy the fact that you have him

Are you implying that I am not meeting Patrick's every little need? That I am somehow neglecting him by miscarrying? By being sorry that I miscarried? Fuck you. Patrick is our entire world. From the moment he wakes up in the morning Steve and I are never more than a few feet from him. We read and sing and paint and garden and take long walks in our woods. The only time I cried at the doctor's office on Thursday is when the nurse told me to go home and hug my two year old. I couldn't help it as I choked out, "I just want him to grow up with a sibling."

How rude to doubt my ability to mourn a loss and still be a devoted and excellent mother to my son. THAT made me angry. Very angry. So angry that I almost stopped being sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Almost.

How blessed you are

Yep. You don't even know the half of it. I also have the metabolism of a squirrel.

Some people constantly look for something MORE to make them happy

But... but I wrote "I am going to keep trying to have a second child and I am going to be happy while I am doing it. Tra-la-la." Jeez.

Besides I just had my millionth pregnancy loss. I think I am doing really well under the circumstances.

You ALREADY have a beautiful family

Do you say this to everyone who wants more than one child, or just the ones who are miscarrying? Do you get invited many parties?

Just a thought

This was not just a thought. This was mean. You wanted to make me feel bad and I am trying very hard not to feel bad right now. You failed, by the way. I now feel sorry for you and even more determined to get what I want for my family. So bite me.

Now back to my kickboxing. Did you know there is a move called the Throat Attack? We should work on that one.