Dattuh Nees Heesh Hadadee

We finally took Patrick for his speech evaluation today. As we went up the stairs Patrick glanced at the ceiling and then bellowed at the top of his small-but-mighty lungs, “Mama o na hah ah!” and I blushed scarlet because, yikes, what the hell was that? Mama turn that fan on? Are you kidding me? Somebody get that boy into speech therapy, STAT! Oh. Right. Ok then. Good.

There is actually a little story attached to where we wound up this morning and, although it is not interesting, I am going to tell it anyway because it Teaches An Important Lesson.

Way back when we all agreed that Patrick should get evaluated I called the number my pediatrician had given me. School districts are required by federal law to provide services for children under three, including speech evaluations and therapy. So I called the number for our district and spoke to a woman who promised a different woman would call me back within two days to discuss the specifics. That was on a Thursday. Monday came and went with no call, then Tuesday, then the whole week passed. I took this as a sign from Alexander Graham Bell that we did not need to get Patrick evaluated after all. I mean, oh well, I tried.

The following Monday the phone rang at the questionably appropriate time of 8:03 am. As I was asleep I let it go to voicemail. It was whatshername, the second woman, and she was calling “to arrange Patrick’s intake.” Intake? Yeep. What a friendly word that is. You know who else does intakes? Prison wardens, that’s who. I sort of balked and let the day go by without calling her back. That night, at NINE, she called again: “Just wanted to get this taken care of,” she said breathlessly into the answering machine. The next morning she called at 7:41. 7:41! She left another message saying we really needed to speak and was there a better number to reach me and she doesn’t understand why we hadn’t connected yet. Three phone calls in twenty-four hours- I ask you. I felt annoyed and flustered and went back and forth over what to say when I called her back, a process that left me no time to actually make the call. She then called AGAIN that night (late) and left ANOTHER message about how urgently we needed to get something set up.

Just so we are all on the same crazy diary page, my initial call to the district said, “We think our two-year old might have some speech delays and feel it would be appropriate to have him evaluated by a professional.” Got that? Nothing about people chasing us around the house with knives, nothing about how my out-of-control drug use makes me fear I am harming my baby, just a little suburban speech angst.

So I thought, my god I don’t want to deal with this pushy person who calls when I am asleep or having sex but I DO want to make sure that Patrick can deliver his valedictory address… what to do, what to do?

That is when, duh, I called our health insurance company and discovered that they cover private speech therapy. Which brought us this morning to a lovely, very old brick house full of mellow sunlight and packed to the rafters with caring, competent, one-on-one speech pathologists who all elocute beautifully. Ours is called Shelly, a name that regrettably contains only two sounds Patrick can manage: uh-ee. Hi uh-ee.

Oh, you got the moral, right? The Important Lesson is don’t call someone four times without giving them adequate time to respond or you will come across as a scary assloofah. Oh, and never call me before nine in the morning.

Anyway, I really liked the speech evaluation. I liked her and I liked their offices and I LOVED the fact that when I mentioned Patrick is a big fan of the alphabet she instantly rummaged into her cupboard and produced a big wooden alphabet puzzle for him to play with as we talked. She said his speech issues were really unusual. I liked that, too, because I felt like she had paid attention when I talked about his weird sound substitutions and his elaborate, totally incomprehensible sentences. She said it was interesting that he manages all of the syllables and his intonation is perfect but most of the sounds are missing. She also said it was interesting that he is so consistent in the sounds he makes and those he substitutes. She said that he seems very very bright (he adds AND subtracts and can read a few words when written for him, his mother notes with modest pride.) And Shelly observed that he has a surprisingly small range of sounds he can make, which I guess makes him, like, extra delayed. She said we would figure out if there is a specific diagnosis, like apraxia, as he goes through therapy.

Steve and I both went to this appointment and we left feeling good about everything. Don’t get me wrong, she definitely thinks Patrick needs therapy and we will be taking him twice a week for the foreseeable future but I think it will be great for him. Or, as Patrick might say, “I go up ah boo ah wiv da. Mama hits dah. Nets go! Hi uh-ee. I nah high-vuh ma hah-ees?” (I go up in the blue car with Bear. Mama sits down. Let’s go! Hi Shelly. I read five more stories?)

Bless his garbled little broccoli-hole.

Comments

[Mandy]

I'm so glad you won't be subjecting Patrick to conversations with an assloofah. Shelly sounds like a much better choice.

[Laurie]

I don't want to come off like an assloofah giving assvice, but I'm relatively new to your blog. Have you had Patrick's hearing evaluated? His speech sounds similar to my nephew's at that age and he was diagnosed with moderate hearing loss at age 5.
I'm glad you found a speech therapist that you and Patrick like- that's half the battle won right there.

[jenni]

I was going to suggest getting his hearing checked. My 16 month old is trying to make words. He says " Ahh dun!" All done. Wuzz tat? What's that. Not much more. He hasn't made any m sounds yet. No momma for me. Just daadee. I'm glad you feel good about speech therapy. Isn't awesome how well we know our children. Just by instinct. It's like we have an internal drive that tells us what they need.

[Christine]

You know who else does intakes? Humane societies. The assloofah place probably has rows small cages full of children, all crying "nets go!" Yick. Your place sounds much better.

[Tertia]

Ah cute!!!

[Laura K.]

Sounds like a great first meeting. I'm glad you decided not to go with Ms. Pushy-caller. Has she called you back again since then? The only thing I can think of for her urgency is maybe she's required to get back to you w/in a certain amount of time and had pushed that by waiting so long to call back in the first place. But you are right to follow your instincts and stay the hell away from her!

At any rate, it sounds like Patrick is in good hands and I'm sure he'll love spending time with Shelley. She sounds lovely. And Patrick just sounds sweet as all get-out.

Laura

[Shelly]

With two in speech/language therapy-get his hearing tested if you haven't already. However, it is probably apraxia. My 4yr old sounds like that and will scream at us while we desperately try to figure out what he is saying! Gotta have TONS Of patience! My 2yr old talks perfectly normal and is very easy to understand. My 5yr old also had apraxia, but is doing better. He has a receptive/expressive language disorder-doesn't know how to express what he wants or needs. He usually ends up screaming or just the usual of hitting someone, anyone who happens to be in fist range.

Good luck! keep us updated about how Patrick is doing.

[Kendra]

We have friends whose daughter sounds JUST like that. I read your post to my husband, and he agrees. They've had her hearing tested, and it was completely normal.

Their older daughter used to sound very similar to that, but she's now in speech therapy and doing much better.

[e]

I'm glad it went so well for both of you :-)

[Rebekah]

I'm really glad that you found someone that ALL of you like so much. BELIEVE ME, having an auditory processing disorder myself (amongst other disabilities), it is SO wonderful when everyone feels that the therapist/audiologist/teacher is not only capable, but kind and ON THEIR TEAM. Dealing with this kind of stuff is hard enough without having an assloofah to deal with on top of it.

Keep us posted!

[cherylc]

This reminds me of a sort of related story. We had a huge snow storm in Seattle in 1991. Everyone freaked, because we're not used to that. I was walking up a big hill and fell, hard. A guy picked me up, and was really concerned. He asked if I was okay. I could not understand a word he was saying. His intonation was right, and there were words, but they all sounded like gibberish to me. Yet, his intent was totally clear and I was able to assure him that I was fine. I don't know if there is a lesson here, except maybe that intonation and sentence structure can go a long way.

[melissa]

Let me first state that I am not an assloofah lover. Having said that, please hear me out. You need to make nice with your school district sooner or later as they will eventually become very important. My son had his "intake" done when he was 22 months old. Through Early Intervention Services he was given speech therapy three times a week and a special educator once a week. The therapists came to my home and were absolutely lovely and professional. My son loved them and he improved immensely. When a child turns three, they go through the transition process from Early Intervention (which is county based and funded) to the Committee for Special Preschool Education (which is district funded). At the transition meeting (held at your school district) you will work out an IEP (individualized educational plan) for your son and decide on placement for him. My son transitioned in May and is now in a wonderful center based program five times a week for 3 hours. His speech is improving everyday and he will most likely attend kindergarten in our district zoned school. This has been a long, exhaustive road for my husband and I with visits to ENTs, neurologists, and pediatricians galore. I guess my message is don't give up so quickly on your school district. Most likely (and unfortunately) they are over worked and under staffed. The amount of paper work that I have to keep track of is mind boggling. But in the end, you will find people in your school district who will be very helpful. Good luck