Don't Ask Why I Bothered With Punctuation At All

Steve left yesterday for The Dakotas…. Oh, I know what you are thinking- just go ahead and say it already! You are thinking Steve is obviously having an affair, what with the “tournaments” and the “hunting trips.” Then you are either thinking “Oh that poor Julia” or “I don’t know about penguin dick, you smarmy Liberal, but something’s getting sucked over there.” And you add a sigh or a chuckle as appropriate.

Well I won’t pretend I don’t see where you are getting this and certainly worse things have happened to better people, but you have to look at what Jeeves calls the psychology of the individual. To wit, I can tell you within one card the hand that Steve holds at euchre, simply by observing the quiver of his eyebrows. He is so transparent that we consulted specialists and all they could recommend was a bisque foundation followed by a healthy powdering of Sun-kissed Glow #7. Then there is his utter lack of creativity. If I ask Steve to tell me a story about a dog and a Ford Fiesta he will say, “OK. There was this dog once and he, er, saw a car. And that car was a Ford Fiesta. The end.”

So to assume that Steve could both make up a cover story and be able to tell it without turning purple… I dunno, the Magic Eight ball says Not Bloody Likely. Oh, and of course his strong sense moral rectitude and dedication to the family would cause him to be revolted by the idea of playing Three Times Around the Maypole with some flighty nymph. Of course.

Anyway, Steve left for a Dakota yesterday afternoon and before he made it all the way down the driveway I turned the heat up to seventy. There! I am indeed a two-dimensional cliché. But I have been so cold! You look at a house with your realtor (your realtor who hates you by the way because you have been looking at houses every few days for a year and you don’t care if you live north or south or really really far west of the Cities but you are absolutely certain you want something built in the 1880s unless you see something spectacular that is new and no, this won’t do but you’ll call him tomorrow after spending more time on the internet…) and you think all these windows are so so pretty but actually these windows are merely wafer-thin gateways to misery. There aren’t enough sweaters in the world to make me toasty and if Steve tells me one more time that I could be warm all over by getting sufficient exercise (as he does) I will take all of his money and move to the Seychelles. Which I should probably do anyway, the no-good cheater.

My hcg level on Wednesday was 9. I am 9 weeks post-D&C and I still have hcg in my system- criminey. Three weeks ago it was 25, so I suppose I should be reassured by the fact that it is coming down. Very. Slowly. For some reason, though, I find this irritating. It actually does not affect my reproductive plans, provided it continues to drop and is gone before I start another cycle. Grrl tells me she once had her hcg level linger at 16 for months. MONTHS. Horrors.

So I just started my second cycle since the D&C and this seems weird to me but ok, right, I get it, I will continue to be on the tiny side of statistical probability unless it is something good in which case I will automatically join the majority instead. Two periods, still have hcg... whatever.

We finally decided to do an IVF cycle at Shdy Grve. We concluded that we really don't know if our odds are significantly better in NJ (if they are better at all) but we are certain it will be easier for us to do whatever we need to do in DC because our families are there.

We were supposed to go to DC for Thanksgiving but I was able to use the IVF stuff as an excuse to side-step the trip. We are scheduled for a phone consult with the clinic that week instead. I was literally in the middle of doing the Hands-in-the-Air-We-Don’t-Have-To-Travel dance and planning the chicken enchiladas I would be making when Steve told me he invited Holly and her sister and her sister’s husband and their two children and Holly’s best friend from college HERE for the holiday instead. He pointed out, reasonably, that we were just going to be home anyway, so what’s the difference? I hope his second wife is able to explain to him that there actually is a difference between the three of us watching football for four days and having six houseguests for an unspecified period of time who expect to be fed elaborate meals at regular intervals.

I wonder how his affair is going and how soon he’ll be able to move in with her?

Comments

[bec 34]

Lemme know if would want my opinion on the docs at SGFert, or any other info. And I know you'll be busy when you're here but if we could have coffee or a run around the stacks in the children's section in Borders or Barnes and Noble that would be nice.

e-mail at rhoffman at bna dot com.

bec :D

[Debe]

Um...I don't know how to tell you this, but Steve invited all of us to your house for Thanksgiving...yep, everyone who reads this blog...what time do we eat?

[Lauren]

I hate to say this but if Ulti payers are gonna cheat, it's gonna be with someone on their team. So.....unless Steve plays a lotta league I don't know about you got a whole new problem on your hands.

[jenni]

I told my husband that I did not want to go to his mom's for Thanksgiving. I have been saying it since JULY. What does he do, he tells his mother we're coming over there for Thanksgiving! You would think four months of saying it he would understand! It's my birthday for Pete's sake you would think I would get a say. ; )

[Monica C.]

Girl, you are hilarious!

And that story about your brother was a fist-pumping-in-the-air-throat-tightening-and-eyes-watering-with-pride-take-THAT!- K I C K A S S story. I LOVE IT!!!!!!

[Garrison Steelle]

What time's dinner?

-G

[Kara]

If you bail now, the young nymphet mistress will have to do the cooking for the family Thanksgiving. And I'm SURE her menu will be nowhere near as elaborate and yummy sounding as yours.

[Kristine]

I'm with you Julia- call me naive, but quite frankly I don't think my husband could pull off having an affair. Now the question is, did we subconsciously choose these men? Or did we know exactly what we were doing??

[Crystal]

It doesn't work. I've tried showing Lee the door a multitude of times. He keeps coming back. Either he's attached to me, or his money. Not sure which. I suppose the kids may be a draw...

Steve did realize when he married you that your last name wasn't Child, didn't he? That this wasn't your version of sport, hosting various people?

Although I guess I'm glad Holly will be surrounded with people she cares about, and in your home. It's bound to be a bad day for her.

BTW, I have to throw out, I was recently published. Nothing spectacular, but I was contacted early this year by a woman compiling stories about natural birth, who wanted my story about Michael's birth (actually Drew's is in there too, as well as Lee's perspectives on both kids). But I have a copyright now. Ah, imortality. : )

Actually, now that I've got my author's copies, I'm more than a little impressed with the company I'm in. Lil ole me... It is a great book. Not sure where I fit in, but whatever.

On a similar note, I've also finally learned that I'm not dying. At least not any time soon. Something awful, painful, terrible, involving lots of tumors is going on, but it ain't deadly. At least not with the immediacy of cancer. Sounds like a bargain to me. I don't care about pain, let me live long enough to raise my kids, and then Mr. Reaper may do with me as he will. Between the two events, I've been floating.

One nice thing about being back in SoCal, is Gelson's does all my Thanksgiving cooking for me. Ah, I've missed Gelsons.... : )

Don't suppose you have a Whole Foods nearby, do you?

*hugs*

You're doing a wonderful thing for Holly. Just remember that, you'll get through.

And when did you have the D&C? Huh? I've been waiting with proverbial baited breath, but I don't remember anything specific... Sorry. : (

Hoping magic is waiting for you at S.G.

Crystal

[terri c]

I hope Steve's affair lasts just long enough for you to get the house warmed up and for him to decide that a caterer would be nice for Thanksgiving. Or a new bauble, come to think of it. Love, LOVED the post about your brother. Especially the bit where his report of good news wasn't "I won!!" but "We can help people!!" Tears to my eyes.

[Emily]

Sheesh, I've been trying to find my husband a girlfriend for ages, but it's just not that easy.

I crank the heat to 72 and just look at him with fertility drug eyes if he trys to lower it. This occurred after me complaining that I was cold and him telling me that if I just wore a hat around the house, I'd be comfortable because I lose all my heat through my head. I think he said I kind of looked like Medusa after that comment because you see, our house was built in 1914 and has no insulation and there's a reason why it's cold all the time.

What time is dinner?

[Susy]

If it's all the same to Steve, why don't you invite some 18-year-old cutie pie in a loin cloth (perhaps from a nearby university) to come hang out at your place over the holidays? Seems you'll be prepared for company, have the house all warmed up, so why not take in some poor, wayward boy who has nowhere else to go? If hubby complains about the thermo being set to 70, remind him that your guest might get a chill, seeing as he's got nothing but a loin cloth.

[bluepoppy]

Did he tell you we--I mean--he would be in Dakota?

But seriously? This was pure brilliance. You are too talented for words.

[Mollie]

Ah, I wish I were more like Steve. Then I could live a right proper life.

Geo is the same way. I'd know in an instant if something was up, and he really doesn't seem to have the heart for it. Once, he tearily confessed that he had something he'd been hiding from me... I though, huh? George? Having an AFFAIR? Can't be. And it wasn't. Through sobs, he sputtered, "I've been lying to you... I have been smoking cigarettes."

I'm still laughing about that one.

Oh, and put on a sweater.

[Crystal]

Mollie,

LOL! There is a certain peace that comes with having a spouse that's a terrible liar, and full of guilt to boot.

I may damn my in-laws and their fundamentalist, missionary parenting skills once in a while, but when it comes to knowing my husband literally couldn't lie to save his life, and that he won't even bother to try...

I'll admit to the occasional smile of smug self-satisfaction. ; )

[Laura K.]

Get yourself some slippers, girl!

Glad you guys are going for DC - I tbink it'll be good, and having family there definitely makes it MUCH easier. I laughed at your mom's comment! I am baffled by hcg in your system, too. Weird!

Have fun with the company - entertaining is stressful no matter what, but at least it's not parents or in-laws.

Good luck with everything!

Laura

[Summer]

1. Vince finally got a repairperson to come out to our house and fix our furnace on Tuesday. Tuesday, as in three days ago, as in many, many days after it got cold. We've now got the heat cranked all the way to 60! That feels warm, after not having heat at all.

Also, if you complain of cold to him, he will tell you to go outside for a few minutes, and that the interior will feel much warmer when you return. (I'll put the heat up if you come visit me, I promise.)

2. Thank you for posting a hCG update! I was getting antsy. Clearly it's time for you to stop having miscarriages, because how many more special surprises could Mother Nature come up with for you? Drop, you stinking levels, drop.

3. Yay! You're coming to DC! And you're not immediately driving out to bumscratch VA! I'm going to hold you to your promise to get together. My offer to watch Patrick anytime you need also is still valid. Your mom would love that! Since she thought I might be a scary internet stalker man, she'd love it if you left her precious grandchild with me. (I'm not actually scary, and I am, as you suspected, a woman.)

4. Houseguests are a very good reason to insist on having the thermostat cranked. They're also a good reason to drink a lot of red wine. It could be worse.

[melissaS]

I could never have explained my spouses totally horrible lying skills as well as the Fiesta and Dog analogy. Brilliant.

He puts in so many hours (after hours) at the office (and yes, he's really there), that there is surely some lovely office cleaning lady who's enjoying my husband's talents for all things 'dirty'. This does not bother me, except that if he's going to have an affair could he consider someone very rich who will buy his affections and he'll pass the savings right on to me.

Yes, I'm asking my husband to be a whore. Whatever.

As for the house guests, what I wouldn't give to be a thanksgiving guest at your home. I'm sure it would be far more entertaining and as incentive my children don't eat anything but BREAD! But for the savings in food prep labor we make up for in unending drinks.

[Moxie]

When taken as a question, your SIL's comment is dumb. When taken as a suggestion, however, it's brilliant. Do you think the RE could come up with some sort of placebo shots Steve has to take for the entire IVF cycle? Three times a day?

[Crystal]

Melissa, you're not the only one. I've alternately suggested that Dh ought to get a "Sugar Mama" and support me in the style to which I would like to become accustomed, or, as an alternative, be a porn star.

Since as we all know, any ole troglodyte with a passable pecker can make the big bux screwing all the beautiful bimbos. Why not my dear love? It might make up for the slight mismatch in our sexual drives... ; )

He's actually rather good at what he does, and since I can't fully appreciate it, why not market him? Seems like a win/win/win to me....

Double whatever.

Crystal

[e]

See, perhaps I'm really Pollyanna, but I can't think anything bad about Steve being hunting in one of the Dakotas. I just assume he is generously there to help thin the herd. of republicans. Really when they overpopulate look at the damage they do.....

If Thanksgiving gets too much for you, come over here. Bring Patrick for the girls to play with and we'll drink lots of wine while we lay around and watch football (you'l have to indure my extended family, but they are fairly harmless MN Nice types.)

[Scully]

I make my teenager put on a sweater when I'm cold. And his socks. And I make him get a blanket to put over himeslf when he's watching tv.

And then I turn up the heat.

I'm Canadian but I'm more than happy to eat a turkey meal in another country in November (we do it all up in October when it's nice out). Oh, that's right, sorry, I've boycotted traveling to your country until 2009.

And no, your husband's not visiting me in Canada because I already have someone to cook and clean for.

[Tertia]

I was going to say something about how I am actually Steve's mistress but then I remembered you are my NBF and also that I don't like having sex more than once a week. And I can't cook so I would be a crap mistress any way.

How completely annoying that your body has had lingering HCG for so long. For someone who consistently has crappy embryos on board your body sure likes being pg.

[Sara]

Hey,
I've been seen by Dr Levy at SG (Rockville) and I love that man. Just an FYI. We'll be in Canada for American Thanksgiving - no cooking for me! Yay!

[patricia]

HCG horror stories! Don't we all have them.

Per your sister-in-law's comment - isn't it horrifying how much we know about this shit, and how much the rest of the world doesn't have a clue?

[EmilyC]

Just wanted to say that my hcg levels have not only been lingering but up and down for 4 months! They have never been above 30 and as low as 5. I am not sending my blood to some special clinic in New Mexico to see if I am one of those "cases" that either a)always have some level of hcg or b)have left over tissue from the birth of my son a year ago or c) have a false/failed pregnancy.

You can imagien the roller coaster....