Maybe If I Just Pull My Hair Forward A Bit

Steve and I are going to a party tonight and yes, if you are keeping track, that does make TWO parties in TWO back-to-back weekends, which must make us the St. Croix River Valley's newest Power Couple. Just let me know if you need me to broker any social deals for you.

Actually, I should say that we are supposed to go to a party tonight. We have an invitation and we have a babysitter (God Bless Nanny Professionals) but...

Well, here was the conversation this morning:

Me: "I am not so sure about the Truly B's party tonight."

Steve: (Coughs) "Yeah, I still have my cold and you look hideous."

Hideous!

Before you start sharpening your fingers (poor Steve, he gets worse press than Dracula) I should tell you he is right, I do look hideous. In fact, I am just back from the Urgent Care where a very nice doctor (whose name I didn't quite catch but it sounded like Kumquat) confirmed that my face is infected. MY FACE, people. My mug, visage, aspect, dial, kisser, puss and/or potato. My pretty part.

Sometimes, hypothetically speaking you understand, sometimes people get their eyebrows waxed for the first time. And they think they look BE-YOO-TI-FUL and they vow to do it again and again but... they are lazy. So they only get their eyebrows tended to every once in a while. And in the ensuing months the eyebrow hairs rebel and say, "Fuck this, I'm growing back!" and a freckle or something responds, "Oh no you aren't!" and there is an epic battle and the freckle wins BUT the hair grows inward and starts brooding. At which point the hypothetical someone might decide to do a little surgery with a pair of tweezers but may only succeed in making matters much much worse. At which point she (or he, of course) might dab a little Neosporin on the area and forget about it, until he (or she) woke up this morning to discover that her left eye was swollen almost shut and the area from cheek to jaw along the hairline was red and blotchy and sore as hell.

So, yeah, hideous.

As I wrote this I realized it is silly, of course, to not attend a festive gathering merely because I am suffering from a slight misfortune. I have just asked Steve what I should wear this evening and was pleasantly surprised when he replied, "Wait here."

Steve, as a rule, is not very interested in my wardrobe dilemmas and has been known on more than one occasion to say, "Wear whatever you like" which is just rude.

I love these live-action posts, don't you? Anyway, Steve has just returned with...

a ski mask.

And when the 2000 mg bottle Cephalexin bounced off his forehead he asked, "Wrong color?"

I married him to win a bet, just so you know.

      

Comments

[bluepoppy]

Mwahhhhhhh. Steve rocks.

[bluepoppy]

oh and by the way, I'm still crying with laughter at "the St. Croix River Valley's newest Power Couple" you slay me, baby

[e]

I think I love Steve! I am not a dr (although I attempt to play one on the internet) but I can assure you with 1st hand experience that while the bottle of Cephalexin will say not to combine with alcohol, if you are inclined to ignore that because you are at a party looking like Quasimodo it likely won't kill you even if you drink like a fish. have fun!

[Summer]

The fashion accessory both you and Steve should sport tonight: beer goggles.

So sorry to hear that your face is infected, because you are BEE-YOU-TEE-FUL (truly! I've seen pictures!) and it's just a travesty. I knew that redheads tend to have delicate skin and aggressive freckles, but I'd never imagined it could come to this.

[The Good Rachel]

So sorry to hear about the (un)civil war taking place on your brow. Sounds like the troops have been marching south.

It could be worse than a ski mask, though. He could have come out with a paper bag. "Hey, Everyone, meet my date. The Unknown Comic!"

I hope the power couple has fun tonight!

[Toni]

Ouch...double ouch. I hope you have some coverup...enjoy the party. :)

[Scully]

I'm so sorry to hear about your disfigurement.

But seriously, either you have to stop being so funny/clutzy or I'm going to have to stop reading your blog (which I doubt either will happen) because I'm having a hard time explaining why I often laugh out loud while working on my computer. Your stories are becoming legendary in southern Alberta.

I have my eyebrows waxed every three months, or I'd have eyebrows resembling those of Lloyd Bridges and Peter Gallagher and I tweeze inbetween waxings. It's just a thought. Perhaps you could tweeze before the hairs become ingrown?!

Okay, that wasn't meant to be mean. Is Steve okay? He is a funny man; a funny man with a death wish, but a funny man.

I'm so jealous of your social life.

Hope you feel better. And you are B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. I've seen pictures.

[mollie]

Glad you waited to do the tweezer surgery until AFTER Tuesday.

I would hazard to say, though, that you probably wear your infection very well.

[Lauren]

I still love Steve. You can tell him I said so.
Bummer for your face, no more home surgery ok?

[Tertia]

I love Steve, and not just because we had sex.

Can you not put a big band aid on it? or wear really dark glasses?

Ask Steve if he would rather go with me.

[Karen]

I just read this post out loud to my man, who smiled quietly to himself, and mumbled:

"Hmm. Ski mask. I need to get one of those."

He is, therefore, evil, and must be destroyed.

[patricia]

I have had this infected face thing as well. My left eye got so swollen my husband called me Leann Rimes until the antibiotics kicked in. I had to wear dark glasses for a couple of days.

Very embarassing.

[shannon]

I had NO idea of these hazard of eyebrow waxing! The horror!
I will never do it again! Damn. I really liked it, too. My eyebrows get sort of Brooke Shields-y when left to their own devices.

[Susy]

Go to your local SPCA, swollen face proudly exposed, and adopt a sweet, homeless kitty cat. Bring that kitty home to Steve, and however he reacts, simply say, "Well, I hope you enjoy him/her, because it's the only pussy you're getting from me for the next five years."

I hope your face gets better soon. Good Goddess. I knew there was a reason I never let the cosmetologist touch my eyebrows!

[Judy]

As far as I know ingrown hairs will happen even if you wax regularly. When they don't make it past the skin they don't get waxed off, so it's not a matter of keeping up with things - i.e. don't blame yourself..

I think the real reason you don't want to go to the party is your afraid no one will proposition you while your eye is swolen shut. When you exclaim "fuck me" you might get "are you sure that isn't contagious?"

Oh, and if anyone asks you about the swelling you should say "Oh, Steve has such a temper. I know he doesn't look it, but after a few drinks.." Then again not many people have my sence of humor, and domestic violence is generally a taboo topic for comedy.

[Garrison Steelle]

Uhm, wait. Was he implying that the ski mask was the ONLY thing he wanted you to wear??????

-G

[jen]

Last time I read your blog in front of my husband and laughed, I had to read it to him (and then I got a mini lecture on the largest rodent in the world). This time I'm keeping it to myself. He really doesn't need any more ideas.

[Jill]

Thank you for my first laugh of the morning. I'm thinking our husbands must be related- or is it just a man thing? Hope that bottle caused some swelling so you could be the cute couple that 'dresses' alike at the party!!

[Jamie]

You always make me laugh! I am sorry to hear of your misfortune with the eyeborw waxing, but you should really try to market a sitcom. You are better than Seinfeld!

[honestyrain]

bloody hell that was funny. very nice. i found you thru finslippy's link list and i think i'll be back often.

[Donna]

That was fucking hilarious! I actually burst out loud laughing here. Still laughing to myself as i type this.. Hahaha, hope your face gets better soon.