IVF.1

Excuse the typos, but I am writing this while breathing rapidly into a brown paper bag and I am not very good at multi-tasking.

I just bought airline tickets for us to go to DC on the 17th. On the 20th we will meet with the RE in Washington, do a mock embryo transfer, take a needle class and... something else. I don't remember exactly what because everything got fuzzy when I started to freak the bejeexums out.

I confess I wasn't expecting to be starting an actual IVF cycle quite so soon. We did a phone consult a week ago and now I am scheduled to start birth control pills in about 10 days. Then lupron. Then, um, something else and something else and then, god willing and the creek don't rise, we will be retrieving eggs in the middle of January. (JANUARY!) That's the right verb, isn't it? Eggs get retrieved?

Look, I am sorry! I have read every word that every blogger has ever written on the subject, I swear I have, but I just sort of glossed over the details. I know I should have a better sense of what occurs during a cycle (as 400 billion of my closest bestest friends have done at least one) but I am about as clueless as my mother when it comes to the whats-and-whens. Which is saying something. Wowza.

I am feeling rather ambivalent about this. No, not about doing an IVF cycle (that is evoking quite strong feelings of terror and anxiety and hopelessness, thank you) but about writing about doing an IVF cycle. Because who cares, really? I mean, it is very important to us to have another child but I am having trouble relating that to an overarching sense of global urgency. I don't suppose any of you would begrudge me a baby, should we be able to have one, but it is not like I can now pretend to be all casual and cool about the process, can I?

"Oh! Yes, we would like to have more children but we are just going to wait and see what happens. And while we are waiting and seeing... we will be moving the family across the country for the month of January (ok - two weeks) and handing thousands upon thousands of dollars over to a reproductive endocrinologist in exchange for a 25% chance of success. So, you know, it's all totally copacetic."

I guess I feel like an assplum writing about this. How do I explain that it isn't greedy for us to be doing this when, really, it looks pretty greedy from where I am sitting? If my life is a plastic sandwich bag then I have already crammed an entire loaf of crusty French bread in there. And a smoky ham. Now I am going to great lengths to squeeze in two dozen chocolate-covered strawberries and a bottle of wine. How can I expect you all to sympathize? I cannot.*

So if you do not feel like rooting for me on this one, if in fact you find yourself hoping that it fails utterly and I get inadvertently de-pants in the process... well, that's ok with me. I can relate to that kind of reproductive schadenfreude myself.**

Anyway, now that we have made peace and promised to be friends forever and ever (even if you do hope that we are pushing all that money into a pile just to burn it) I will get back to the pre-IVF freakout. Please note: 1) IVF will not work for us because we will be incredibly lucky to get even one normal embryo and that is just the starting point for IVF failures; 2) we are proceeding because we do not know what else to do; and 3) I have no Plan B so I am just pretending that I am the sort of person who does not desperately need to have a Plan B. But, squids, I AM THE SORT OF PERSON WHO DESPERATELY NEEDS TO HAVE A B PLAN.

In other news Patrick is absolutely delightful and I am thinking about having him freeze-dried. He still hasn't started speech therapy (o! accursed insurance committee! next week, I hope) but he is more and more understandable by the day. I am not sure if the fact that he produces more or less complete sentences helps or hinders the process. For example, I think if he just tried to say, "Patrick go out" we would have an easier time deciphering his needs then we do when he says, "Turn all the lights off! Let's all go in the blue car."

He is a big fan of hide-and-go-seek (as in he wants to play for hours upon hours each and every day) and prefers to hide in the powder room or between the hanging folds of a garment bag in our closet. However, he is flexible and always willing to just close his eyes in a pinch.

He then nudges us along by shouting, "Where did Patrick go? I don't know! I don't know where Patrick is! Is he under the table? No-oo-ooo. Is he in bed? No-ooo-oooo." It is so flipping adorable and I love his vaguely Norweigan accent ("No" sounds more than a little like "Nu-u-u.")

When we finally break into his one-man carnival act by asking, "Is Patrick (in the bathroom, in the garment bag, sitting right there with his eyes shut)?" he shouts with laughter and yells, "Yes I am!" before immediately racing off (or shutting his eyes) and starting again.

He's a lot of fun. Oh, and I forget who asked but yes, he did give up the pacifiers completely after I forced him to go cold turkey by throwing out the old ones at Target. Not realizing, of course, that it was the thick layer of diptheria that made those particular purple ones so especially good. And yes, bedtime and naptime sucked BUTT SALAD for about five days and then he was fine and we have never spoken of pacifiers again.         

*I know, I know. There is nothing about having a second or third or seventh child that is inherently greedy, as I realize and you guys have soothingly reassured me at intervals. Most people want more than one child, I believe. Somehow, though, I feel awkward writing it all down. I worry about articulating just how involved and expensive it is going to be, I guess because if you asked me WHY? I could only answer, "Because we want to." And what kind of an answer is that?   

**I mean, within reason. If you decide to vocalize (visualize?) these feelings too vehemently I might have to smite you. Just so you know. I am due for a good smiting.

**New freakout, just added: I randomly took my temperature this morning and it was, like, 62.1 or something. In addition to providing concrete evidence that I am actually slowly freezing death I am now horribly worried that I did not actually ovulate last week as I a) should have; b) appeared to; c) have done more or less on schedule for the past six years and d) am relying upon (!) hence the travel arrangements and ivf schedule and generally bompstableness. Damn it! 

Comments

[Sarah]

Good luck Julia! I have my fingers (and toes) crossed for you!

[genie]

Hi there. As a veteran of "almost too many to count" IVF's, all but the first one done for the greedy purpose of having another child, I just wanted to pop in and tell you to take a few cleansing breaths. It really isn't all that bad or horrible. The injections don't actually hurt and the only real pain throughout the process is feeling ovaries the size of bowling balls just prior to retrieval. They give you some good drugs for the retrieval and the transfer is like your average pelvic exam. Waiting for the results is like any other awful waiting period, but I would hazard a guess far less stressful the horrible ordeal of waiting to see whether your pregnancies would be viable or not. Any questions, feel free to ask. Take care.

[Mandy]

Who are we, who is anyone, to judge the desires of your heart??? I am rooting for you with fervor, hoping that all goes perfectly and results in another delightful child.

Please -don't feel bad for wanting what you want. You're a great mom and I think you'll be a great mom x 2.

And if you find a way to bottle the essence of Patrick, please do send some....he'd certainly lighten things up in my office today! He's too cute.

[Jen/VintageUterus]

Julia, you aren't greedy for wanting a second. As far as I can tell, 99.9% of us want at least 2 kids. I think the world needs another Patrick, anyway. He sounds too cute for the world only to have one kid like him.

I'm (roughly) scheduled for retrieval in mid. January too. Start bcp's mid Dec. This will be my number 2 IVF (as in poop). I'm sure we can commiserate/compare protocols/complain viciously about side effects at some point during it. As long as you don't mind my sailor mouth.

[Queenie]

1: "o! accursed insurance committee!" is the funniest thing I have read all day.
2: Genie, if your first IVF wasn't for the greedy purpose of having a child, what was it for? Having a giraffe? :)
3: Julia, you totally rule--let the terror begone. Although I think I did steal your ovulation, since I just ovulated after 14 months of completed and utter anovulation. Sorry about that. Can I make it up to you by buying you a beer while you're in my neck of the woods?

[Ninotchka]

1. You are not greedy. At all. If you're greedy, then so am I. 'Nuff said.

2. Patrick sounds beautiful. Delightful. SMART!

3. I wish you the best of luck on this month's IVF "dry run" and January's retrieval. I will pray like hell for you.

Oh wait. I hope that "hell" reference doesn't negate all my good intentions with the Big Guy. lol

[Linda]

I know you said you glossed over the IVF details, but I have to tell you:

You will be de-pantsed. Or pantsed. However you want to say it. It will happen many, many times and eventually you will develop Stockholm syndrome and come to love the wielders of the dildo cam.

I am always available for questions. You know that.

[Judy]

I care - honestly I do. I probably care more about the success of your IVF cycle then I do about most of the issues of global urgency. Sad, but true.

Greedy for wanting more then 1 child? For fucks sake, you're not trying to give birth to an ill afforded child #7 just because little babies smell nice. Or to hold onto an almost x-husband. Or to siphon money out of an NBA player.

Oh, and Patrick sounds hilarious. Wouldn't it be great if 15 years from now you all came full circle, and he tells his friends at a party "you can't afford my Mom, and BTW she's not worth it." Sorry couldn't resist sharing..

[tracy]

I know how to assuage your guilt over IVF... sponsor one for someone else while you're at it! :-D

[Diana]

Greedy for wanting another child? Absolutely not. And i'm with you on the wathcamacallits of IVF - we may be going down that road too and though I've read all the blogs on it, I have no idea what the hell it does except get alot of people pregnant.
Good luck and stop freaking over your loyal readers, we know your intentions are right on and so are your words.

[karla]

Well color me greedy, too, for trying six years for #2 and not giving up until I got him! There is nothing at all greedy about wanting to give sweet, wonderful Patrick a sweet wonderful sibling! If anyone should be having more babies, you should. I love ya, and when I grow up I still want to be just like you.

[cursingmama]

There is absolutely no need to freak out about your own personal temperature - you're in MN and by virtue of that, you're automatically cold. At least there's some pretty flakes of snow falling to cover up the brown grass right now....I reserve the right to curse the so-called "pretty flakes of snow" in 5 hours during rush-hour.

[Emily]

Julia, sweetie, you are not greedy for wanting another child -- and, most importantly, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone, period. There's always someone out there who will say that you're too selfish, or too greedy or this or that (I hear this because I don't want to adopt and I have primary infertility). I just dedicated a whole post on my opinion of what I think of idiots who say things like that.

I think it's wonderful you're doing this and I wish you much, much success and hope this is it for you. I'm so sorry you had to endure so much to get to this point because you've been through a lot.

Good luck with the trip and DC is much warmer than MN...so much so, you'll probably step off the plane and think you're in the tropics ;)

xxxooo,

[Amanda]

I am so rooting for you. Good luck!

[Lioness]

"I could only answer, "Because we want to." And what kind of an answer is that?"

The best kind. A child that is wanted THIS MUCH, what else is there to say? Why do ferties have them, for scientific purposes? Extra heat around the house? Manual labour? May it all go well for you. Patrick remains adorable, as ever. (Are you recording him? It should be fun listening to him when he's all grown up! Though I'm told he himself would cringe. But isn't that half the fun?)

[Debra]

I am so excited for you!!

Not selfish ... Nope! I wish you the best of luck.

Patrick is wonderful, I always love to hear about him.

Linda: eventually you will develop Stockholm syndrome and come to love the wielders of the dildo cam. !!

you are so right..

Again, best of luck

[Juno]

First, to follow your analogy, anyone trying to squeeze chocolate covered strawberries into a lunch bag must be inherently sane and good. What kind of freak doesn't want to round off a meal with chocolate and fruit? Therefore, you are not greedy; you are simply a person of good taste.

Second, I have been waiting all my life to add the word "assplum" to my vocabulary. Thank you.

I wish you the best of luck with the entire, unknown, IVF process.

[Joanne]

There's nothing selfish about wanting to bring another human life into the world so you can love and care for it!

I'm doing IVF in DC (Shady Grove) around the same time -- my mock transfer is next Friday. I hope we both have luck!

[reenie]

Here's to the the chocolate-covered fruition of your dreams...clink!
The quality (not to mention sheer quantity) of the time you both spend with Patrick and your obvious delight of him speaks volumes about the lack of selfishness in you...and it speaks of your ability to love and care for his little sister or brother. It's not being greedy to bring a child into the world so you can love him with all you have. It's being generous. It's being a mother.

[Cecily]

mmmmmmmmmmmm...smoky ham.... I didn't get a lunch break today, so I'm starving over here and you go and write about ham and chocolate!!!

Oh, and other stuff. Don't be afraid of IVF...it's hell, but it's a short lived hell. My only advice? Don't get OHSS. It really sucks.

And you aren't greedy. You are blessing a child by bringing into your life--look how awesome Patrick is? Doesn't every child deserve parents who love them the way you love Patrick? You are blessing this child by wanting it, not being greedy. Seriously.

Off to hunt down food.

[Milenka]

I wish you the very best, Julia. Good luck!

[Kel]

Congratulations on taking the next step.

It is not greedy to want to say in twenty years, "We did everything we thought we needed too, to have a (another) child". Every woman who wants a child should be able to say that.

If it works you say it to the kid, if it doesn't, you know you crossed this difficult bridge in your life with all the effort, grace, and means at your disposal. Whether its via IVF or surrogacy or whatever. Its your choice and your twenty year old self that needs to have that peace of mind.

The best of luck.

Kel

[Kristen]

I've been reading your work since someone sent me a link to your "other" online documentation system (the "i" something time) and I've secretly been rooting for your the whole time - and that won't change now that you're going through this process.

Congrats on having a wonderful son and I look forward to saying "congrats!" again in the future.

[Sheridan]

Definitely rooting for you too.
Don't feel you have to justify yourself to anyone.
"Because we want to" sounds like the best reason there is.
And don't worry about the IVF too much. Yes, it's scary, but I think the scariest bits are before you start - not while you are doing it.
I don't know how they do things in the good ole US of A, but here in Australia, the clinic guides you through everything and you don't have to think too far ahead, or remember everything they told you (or everything you have ever read in someone else's blog). They hold your hand and take you step-by-step.
I have done IVF, but I've never had a miscarriage, so I'm not in a great position to compare, but, love, I think what you've gone through must be much more painful and horrendous than IVF.

A question - in case you have time - what is a mock embryo transfer? I have never heard of that...

And in answer to your question "Because who cares, really?"

We all do.

[FoFuSa]

I've been reading about your infertility adventures for a few months, and I am so excited for you! Wishing you the best of luck that it works!

[Katie]

Wanting to fill emptiness, wanting to see Patrick enjoy a sibling, wanting Steve to enjoy another curly blond baby in the house, wanting to see another set of eyes smiling back at you, does not make you greedy. It make you a person full of love who wants to bring joy to your lives.

[Andrea]

Ello!! I'd love to add a personal touch here but this is the first time I've read ur blog, but what you said moved me so and I just had to wish you guys the best of luck!! Hope it all goes well for you - chin up, big smile and go get 'em!!
x

[Sheryl]

Selfish? Pish, pish. Blogging itself is a supremely selfish endevor, as we all try to recreate the flossing of our teeth in meticulous detail, and want people to be entertained by it, and more than that-- to care about it. Since this blog is not required reading, and I'm sure your get 40 bazillion hits a day, people do care about you and your lovely follicles. Blog on!

[Toni]

I'm going through my first IVF cycle now (I say First b/c I don't think this ones going to work)...and the bowling ball analogy...ON TARGET GENIE!!! Now I know what's causing me such pain!

Seriously though...it's not that bad...definitely do-able. And just think of the stories you'll be able to share...

Wishing you luck and good thoughts.

[Garrison Steelle]

Of course, I join everyone else in wishing you all the best. My question of you is this: what can we do to help? And don't say you don't need any 'cuz I'm just not buying that load of ... uhm ...

-G

[Kristine]

I don't think you're selfish. But what do I know? I kept at it until I got another one. Anyways, how could anyone want anything but good stuff for someone with your vocabulary? Seriously. You must parent further off-spring.

[Monica C.]

Girl, please - of COURSE you have every right to do IVF. After all you've been through? And even if you HADN'T gone through so much - you are MORE THAN entitled to want another child and to do whatever you can, to have one! I totally understand your feelings of guilt - but they are soooo unwarranted. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone and believe me, we are all rooting for you. I remember when you were vascillating about having the procedure, and you mentioned the cost, I was thinking, "GO FOR IT, cost be damned!" First of all, I know you ain't had to rob no banks to come up with the money (yes, I have been paying attention, LOL) - and even if you did, again, you have EVERY RIGHT to pursue your reproductive wishes as you see fit!

I say, "Harvest to your heart's content!"

[Melissa]

You are soooooo not greedy. I want chocolate covered strawberries too!! Don't we all?

[Julia]

I will read anything you write as long as you introduce me to pithy new phrases like "butt salad."

You are not greedy. It is natural for many of us to want more than one baby. Hell I got four. Three I had to work for because I had this insatiable need to have babies. Its like once I got one (after 5 years) I couldn't stop. They were like potato chips. The last one wasn't worked for or even considered, he just ended up on my doorstep with ten minutes notice because he needed a mom. You just never know what's going to happen.

Luck to you for baby # 2, no matter how it happens.

[Laura K.]

I don't think it's selfish at all, and I am rooting, rooting, rooting for you!

I'm also laughing at how adorable Mr. Patrick is - closing his eyes and saying, "Where's Patrick?"! Does it get any cuter than that? I think not! How could you not want another when you have such sweetness in your house? Makes perfect sense to go for doubling the fun.

Wishing you lots of luck as you venture out into this uncharted territory. Traverse!

Laura

[Melinda]

Rooting over here too! Lots and lots of rooting!

[Debe]

I hearby give you permission to do whatever the hell you want with your own life (and money)
I'm rooting for you
and Patrick sounds adorable!

[Ana]

I am trying for a second child too and let me tell you, selfish or not I am willing to go all the way to have one more. So of course I will be rooting for you!

[Libby]

"Because we want to" sounds like the perfect reson to me, but if people give you grief you can also say: "because being an only child sucks ass".

You can tell them I said so.

PS: click on my name if you would like to see pictures of Sofia. Patrick sounds delightful.We are still on for the arranged marriage thing right?

[Menita]

You are not greedy. I am already worrying about how we'll get around to #2, when #1 is still in process.
And I don't think any of us are greedy. Greedy would be taking more than our share, and seriously, what IS our share? Some people would have us believe we don't deserve even one.

So you hang in there, we've got your back.

[Tertia]

You have to post about your IVF because even if you think some people wont care (and I think you are wrong about that), I care, and I am sure lots of the others do too. It will liven up our boring miserable lives.

Also, you can ask us lots of questions and we can reassure you about how fabulously you are doing.

Any way, this is your blog, you do what you want to do, stop being such a naff. Asshole.

(YOU HAVE NO PLAN B????)

[terri c]

I think Patrick has to be the cutest little guy anywhere. And guess what, I care too. So there. I think you are stuck with us. And we wish you all the best...

[Sandy]

How could you NOT want to have another one as perfectly charming as Patrick? And I agree with Debe...you have permission to do what you want with YOUR life and money. Happy cross country travels I say!

[mollie]

My brother, who is nothing like yours, has no kids. He doesn't want kids, and never has. For a while, I didn't want kids either, and in those years when I was no longer newly-wed but not wanting kids, and being asked all the time when I was going to have kids, I had a conversation with my brother about why people have kids.

Me: I guess at some point we will have kids, I'm just not feeling like doing it yet.

Him: Well, the only reason anyone should ever have kids is because they love life and enjoy it so much they decide they want to share the experience.

I've never forgotten that. I waited until I felt that, or what I thought it meant, and then Geo and I ended up going through hell and high water (well, at least inconvenience and wringing-wet socks) to have our two kids. Because we wanted to. So, if you're wanting to stuff dessert into your bag of delicious goodies, that's about right, using my brother's logic.

[Chasmyn]

So many warm fuzzies and HUGS for you! I know this is scary, and your feelings are valid, so you're not selfish and bad, okay?

[Brooklyn Girl]

Honey, if I can do it, you can do it. And do not speak of the greed thing again--it's not applicable.

[Danae]

God Julia! You're so greedy! I'm never reading your blog again, you assplum.

[Kinneret]

Hey Julia,
So glad to hear your good news and that you'll be seeing the good doc at SG sooner than anticipated! He really has been very good to us - especially through this last week (m/c). I think you've chosen well.
If you'd like to get together for a java or some such when you're in town, email and let me know. All the best to you!

[Heather]

Okay, I may be (1) an idiot and (2) a moron, and (3) this may have been mentioned already, but what, essentially, is a "mock embryo transfer?"

[Lisa S (& Riley, Bella, & Adelyn)]

HEY! Are you to hung over again to update your blog! Have some Tylenol (did I spell that right?) and get with it!!!

I don't know what a mock embryo transfer is either, but I'm rooting for you!

And no, you're not greedy, not by my standards anyway. I have three (under 4! Yikes!) and would conceivable like a fourth. So point everyone to me if they call you greedy and tell them to leave you the fuck alone!