IVF.2

Speech therapy has thrown an enormous spanner in my schedule.

You wouldn't think that this seeming whirlwind of laundry, food acquisition-food preparation-food disposal and Patrick maintenance was actually a finely tuned instrument with each piece working in precision and harmony... but it is true. What once was a clock-work mechanism designed for adequate housewifery + generous loafing is now a smoking mess.

All of a sudden on Tuesdays and Thursdays I am spending 40 minutes driving there, 40 minutes sitting there and then 40 minutes driving back. If you wondered what I used to do with all this time the answer is: write blog entries. So I have been neglecting you and I am sorry. Why is it always the blog readers who suffer?

I think once we get back from DC and the joyous suckhole that is Christmas recedes things should get better. I also plan to start neglecting the plants instead, so that might free up some time.

Tomorrow Steve, Patrick and I fly to Washington, Ruby of the Rock Creek Valley. Actually we will be flying into Baltimore because THEY pay YOU to fly to BWI, it is that much cheaper. And I am all about cheaper for although the Shady G IVF price tag is still a complete and utter mystery to me, I am certain it will be a lot. I am actually beginning to suspect their price schedule is covered by the Patriot Act because I am no closer to seeing it now then I was when I first asked after it five weeks ago. What do I have to do to get assigned a finance person around there? Start trying to sneak freebie ultrasounds?

If you are wondering whether I have committed to this with absolutely no idea what they are charging the answer is, um, yes. But the way I see it, the actual list will only quantify such notions as "Buttloads" and "More than we ever want to pay for something that is only offering a 25% success rate." Steve sees it differently, but Steve can always be easily distracted from financial matters with a bouncing ball or a shiny pen. He's simple like that.

So... IVF. Huh. I guess we will be starting an IVF cycle in about three weeks. Who knew? I think the thing that is causing me the most anxiety is the fact that we all have to be in DC for such a long time in January (anything more than 3 days is a long time in my book.) We had talked about Steve and Patrick staying and then flying out to join me and then Steve leaving Patrick with me... but it sounded like a bigger hassle than just all of us going to Camp Reproduction together. I still think this is true, but it means we have to deal with Steve's work stuff, and finding a house-sitter, and living with my inlaws in the toddler death-trap house of death.

Take care widgits. I'll write again this weekend. Maybe a hitchhiking story. We'll see.

- Is it normal to feel so absolutely ambivalent about a first IVF cycle? I feel calm and resolute because I believe we have exhausted the other option for now but beyond that... I feel very remote. It won't work, so there is no point in getting excited. Still, we are doing everything we can, so there is no sense in being despondent. Is there some middle emotion I should be latching on to?

Comments

[Mollie]

I have met you and know that whatever you are feeling is a sane thing to be feeling.

Best of everything and especially luck to you, dearest.

xoxoxoxo

[chasmyn]

My best wishes are with you!

[Sheridan]

I have never met you, but I am wishing you all the very best of luck.

My thoughts will be with you, Steve and Patrick over the next few weeks.

Can't wait for the hitch-hiking story...

[Kinneret]

SG prices change according to how many you actually want to do. They have a shared risk program (if you're under 39 *sigh*) that covers 6 IVF cycles and I *think* is about 20K. I can't find my prices flyer or I'd tell you more.
Good luck to you all.

[Lauren]

Ambivilence sounds good. Just coasting along until you can invest in it emotionally and the get your entrails pulled out and used to string a violin the rest of the world can play. Sorry, I should be more positive. I wish you the best.

[Karen]

Godspeed, little one. May it all go well.

[Kristine]

Ugh. It's way too exhausting to put more emotionally into this IVF. I think your approach is going to be just fine.
My husband also likes shiny things. It can be a bit scary when he settles on lingerie as a Christmas gift...

[Toni]

I wish you guys all the luck...with finding the keg. Oh yeah - the IVF too. :)

[e]

Camp Reproduction will be fun! Think of the friends you'll make! You won't miss us at all! Remember to write AND to change your undewear (all things said to oldest daughter this past summer, making me feel like a huge hypocrit, because I hated camp.) That said, hopefully they will not make you sing inane songs before every meal and bodily function.

[terri c]

Dear Julia, no shoulds. You feel what you feel, and THAT is the right thing to feel. Warm wishes coming your way from Colorado.

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

I am espn'ing good IVF thoughts your way and a big cheers in hopeing you come back all good and knocked up...with a baby that stays put!!

Travel safe

[Karen]

Ambivalence is exactly right!!! IVF is an emotional rollercoaster, so if you're starting out on the flat and easy part better for you. My best and most repeated advice to those starting IVF is to figure out what relaxes you (OK, wine and rum are out) and start practicing now. You'll need that resource down the road, trust me.

I love your description of getting a price tag on this cycle. I've done 7 IVFs and I still don't know what they cost, except an arm and a leg or three.

{{{{HUGS}}}} to you and looking forward to your reports from Bushville.

[GB]

I have been working with Shady Grove Fertility for almost 1 year, and they are awesome. The BEST doctor to work with is Dr. Melissa Esposito... make sure you ask specifically for her. I know she works out of the Frederick, MD office, but she might have a few days in the Shady Grove office too. She has an awesome nursing staff, too, and she really cares for her patients well being... not just from the point of IVF. I've had several miscarriages, and recently, she had me take the MTHFR test and we found out that I have two mutated genes (1 C and 1 A), and it causes recurring spontaneous miscarriages. I don't produce enought Follic Acid, B6 and B12. Coupled with my exciting polycistic ovaries, I'm one complicated patient. She has placed me on Avandia (much, MUCH better than Metformin), and contrary to what people think, it's not the diarreah from the Metformin that causes weight loss, because so far, I've lost 20 pounds on Avandia, and I suffer NO side effects like I did w/ Metformin. She also put me on a nice Follic Acid, B6 and B12 cocktail, and said she was very optomistic about us having a successful pregnancy with our next IVF cycle (my second).

You're in good hands, and while a lot of the doctors there don't have a great bedside manner, they really, REALLY take care of their patients. They are, after all, rated the best in the country!

Best wishes, and even if it takes time, everything will work well for you!

[Susy]

As a discriminated-against, long-suffering blog reader I feel I must put my foot down. Free internet cafe in all speech therapy offices effective immediately. Massage therapists as well (also gratis, of course).

I haven't read the Patriot Act, but based on what I've heard it reads like one of my 9th grade book report essays in which I hadn't read the book (it rambles on and on and makes no sense but baffles the reader so much he just nods and goes with it). I wouldn't be surprised if IVF is included in it in some bizzare, circular-illogic sort of way.

Praying some down-time comes for you soon...

[Garrison Steelle]

It's all about doing what you have to do to keep going. If ambivelence gets you there, go for it.

-G

[B. Mare]

I am going to buy you a small dictaphone for Christmas, so you can dictate blog posts on the move. See? We are all about the problem solving here.

[Emily]

Wishing you a safe journey and the best of luck at the clinic.

[Joanne]

The shared risk IVF program with ICSI is 22K (for up to 6 tries, not counting meds). They told me the pay-as-you-go IVFs were a little less than half that (again, not counting meds). Maybe I'll see you in Rockville! Good luck, good luck.

[JuliaKB]

You feel however you need to feel to get you through this experience with your mind intact.

[Laura K.]

Camp Reproduction, huh? I like the sound of it...sounds like a good business opportunity if you ask me. :)

Hey, here's hoping that by 'guests' your MIL isn't planning on serving the beer in the door to Patrick! Kidding, kidding.

I hope everything falls into place for you and things get rolling. I'm cautiously optomistic for you guys!

Laura K.

[Tertia]

Got nothing witty or inspiring to say. Just wanted to send you lots of love. And remember, the beer is not for you, its for the guests.

[Expat]

Ambivalence is a perfect place to start.

Your mad inner hopeful person will gte out of hand from time to time, but try and hold to that steady spot that says it probably won't work. it will keep you sane. (unlike those madwomen who get pregnancy tickers on transfer day - twin, because they transferred two blasts, of course).

[Jb]

I'd say for emotions expect a ride as you go thru IVF. Lupron was awful for me, I loved the "stims" although my ovaries protested some. Yes, its a pile of money - we spent about 20k on one cycle with pgd (no, I did not get preg) but we too were at a place of no other options. I am glad we did it, even if we got the negative. Gave us space to move on to the next thing.

[bjI'm]

Julia:

No questions about infertility or IVF, and also no advice (or assvice -- how do you spell that) to offer.

But, I have a question about kitchens and cookware. You pointed me towards the odd sized measuring cups at Williams Sonoma. A great thing indeed.

How about cookware. What cookware should I buy. I'm an infrequent cook who hates to work with junky equipment. I just sent off for new knives (to replace our 16 year old wedding gifts) and am now looking for cookware. I'm kind of trying to decide between the versions they have at William Sonoma, the all-clad stainless, the all-clad LTD, the calapholon one. I know the bad stuff about non-sticks, and have resolves to use them only for omelets. But, I don't take good care of my pots.

OK, since it is clearly your job to give strangers advice on their buying decisions and you have absolutely nothing better to do with your time, I'll wait here patiently at my computer until I get an answer.

bj

[sk]

Having exhausted all other resources, we're about to start our first IVF cycle in about three weeks, too. I like your take on it; it's much better that the over-intellectualizing and obsessing about the lengths of various needles that I'm prey to. I'll be checking in and thinking of you.