IVF.Cuatro

When I was pregnant with Patrick (or maybe the one before, but I think it was Patrick) my friend gave us a copy of this really annoying book called The Expectant Father. To be fair, the book may not actually be as stupid as I remember it being. Maybe if you are a fertility Normal it might even qualify as a super-fun read, but anyone who has ever suffered while trying to have children knows that 99.9% of all pregnancy books are irritating as all fuck and this one was no exception. Most pregnancy books, you see, are predicated upon the notion that pregnancies end in babies. Ha HA, she observes mordantly.

Anyway, the part of the book that made Steve and me laugh until we cried was the author's continued use of the observation: "Now it is beginning to feel real to you, Dad." As I recall, this first moment of startled realness occurred with 1) the positive pregnancy test, 2) the first ultrasound, 3) the first time the heartbeat was heard, 4) the first kick, 5) the ultrasound that shows waving limbs, 6) labor, 7) birth etc....

"Wait!" Steve would cry as he waded through the first 70 pages that I forced him to read, "I thought it started to feel real to me in Chapter 2 and then again in Chapter 3 but here it says it will only begin to feel real by Chapter 4. Right now the pregnancy is merely surreal, like clocks melting in a desert."

I don't know why we found this notion so damned funny but we did. Three years later I will occasionally serve dinner and say, "Now the porkchop is beginning to feel real to you, Dad" and then gravely repeat that sentence every three minutes until he is done.

This morning I gestured helplessly at the recently arrived giganormous pile of fertility medication in the bathroom and said, "Eeek! What the hell are we doing?"

Steve said something like "We are doing IVF and that is the medicine required, you tool."

And it is right and proper that he then laughed at me (finger-pointing-in-my-face-laughed-at-me) when I replied sincerely, "I know. It's just that it is beginning to feel real to me."

But damn, honestly, I have enough needles to stage "Sid and Nancy" in this old barn and so many glass vials I am practically Ye Olde Apothecary. The problem being that I am not sure what to do with any of it as a) I did not pay attention during our needle class; and b) I asked Julie where she got her drugs and then I totally copied her and ordered my drugs from a place called ivfmeds-dot-com because she assured me they saved her money (quite quite true by the way; I priced the identical order with freedom drug and this was at least $500 cheaper) and all of my medication has shown up... in SPANISH. For you see, ivfmeds-dot-com sells European drugs and those crazy Europers speak all kinds of languages and use weird forms of measurement so that none of my dosage instructions from the RE match any of the needles or vials. It adds an element of suspense, don't you think?

We're cool though, I have nine days before we start injections and how different can Spanish be from French, really? I mean, look at 'em. The countries are like a quarter inch apart.

Ahem:

"No use gonal-f si se dan las siguientes circunstancias:"

Well, that seems easy enough: Don't use gonal-f in the, um, siguientes circumstances.

"reacciones alergicas previa" previous allergic reactions (this is cake!)

"a medicamentos que contengan hormona foliculoestimulate" to medicines (or Mentos, maybe) containing follicle stimulating hormones (well- duh!)

"o a cualquiera de los excipientes" *Blank Stare* Huh. We'll get back to that one.

"tumores del hipotalamo y de la hipofsis" Ah-HA! Do not take this medicine if you have hippopotamus tumors or tumors of the hippogriff!

Oh dear! Ai-yi-yi! No es bueno!

Comments

[Karen]

Oh my...so sorry to say but that last part sounds a bit like an advertisement for the whole "buying drugs from other countries that sell them cheaper will KILL YOU! You non-patriot who doesn't want to support the evil American super-rich drug companies" crap that our current administration spouts. Sniff, It makes GW's rational sound all sane and everything. Excuse me; I'm feeling a bit ill myself.

Back to you...what ARE you going to do?

[Ninotchka]

OMG Julia, you're killing me. Spanish is my first language and I have no earthly idea what an "excipiente" is. And "hipotalamo" and "hipfosis?" HOLY SH*T, I don't know what it is but it sounds painful. roflol

[Kim]

I always knew Spanish (which I learned in school) would be more useful than French (which I learned from a French Canadian boyfriend)!

siguientes = following
o a cualquiera de los excipientes = or in any of these excipients

But i had to look up excipientes and then I didn't know what excipient meant in English so I had to look that up and it means this: any inert substance used as a dilutant or vehicle for a drug.

Anyway here's a translator for you: http://www.wordreference.com/

[persephone]

I know one, I know one! "Hipotalamo" has GOT to be hypothalamus.

You'd think that would suggest something for "hipofsis," but I got nothing.

[Sheridan]

I'm just so pleased to hear from you two days in a row!

Hippopotamus tumours are fixed by hypnosis?

Sorry, no idea on the spanish. Hope someone else can be of more help!

[Abby]

Spanish I can't help you with. Nada.

But if there's anything about injections/needles that you have questions about, email me. The Masters degree in nursing should be used for something!

[Mollie]

Sounds like you're going to have to spend that 500 bucks you saved on the meds on a translator instead, Hon.

Or just call Julie. She's a whiz with protocols. She knits her own! Have her knit one for you!

And remember: Mi hermano no es una palanca de cambio. (My brother is not a stick-shift.)

Prospero año e felicidad.

[Lauren]

You funny on SOO many levels with this one.

[Shelly]

Good luck!

[Mollie]

y = "and" in Spanish

e = "and" in Italian

Aren't I helpful?

[e]

I'm sure after a couple of margaritas it will all be crystal clear....

[Moxie]

Can't Julie just tell you what she shot up and when? She probably did all the translation work already...

Oh, and the Expectant Father author's newest book is the Single Father book. He's divorced now.

[Judy]

For fucks sake, you couldn't have told me that all pregnancy books suck months ago, before I placed my 'big order' at Amazon (our local library sucks). My husband's been reading the one you mentioned, and Dr. Spock to boot. I think he's trying to make me look bad. I've tried to read the books I ordered, but as pregnancy books are not in general funny (never mind sarcastic) I've had little sucess.. I thought it was just me. People give these books 5 stars - is there some warm and fuzzy world out there that no one has told me about? Never mind given me instructions on how to join?

Ha ha - spanish instructions.. The only spanish phrase I remember from years of study is:
Mi professor te lo mete sin vaselina
It's too rude to translate, but here's a clue:
Mi professor = my professor
and
sin vaselina = without vaseline
so
My professor without vaseline

[Judy]

Oh, and husband recommends http://babelfish.altavista.com/

And, congratulations on posting 2 days in a row.

[grumpygirl]

definitely go to babelfish. i once used it for a week to "fake" that i was fluent in french for an online suitor. it worked, i think...

[persimmon]

In medical latin, the pituitary is the hypophysis, so it's a fair guess that phrase translates as "tumors of the hypothalamus or pituitary". It makes sense physiologically.

[agent lulu]

excipientes - in this case it is simply referring to the "tumores del hipotalamo y de la hipofsis" as exceptions, meaning "don't take this stuff if you have tumors of the hypothalamus or pituitary gland" - who would have thought pituitary gland was HIPOFSIS?
anyway, hi! persephone sent me over, and hablo español. more importantly, i have a diccionario en español as well as a mother who is a nurse and speaks the español. so feel free to drop a line with any questions.

[Danae]

Trust me, it's better that you can't read the warning labels. Just fill the syringe to the top and inject; don't worry about measuring. Do this several times a day or whenever you get around to it. Timing doesn't really matter. Inject Steve with a few syringes full, too. After just a few days, the lumps on your asses will begin to feel real to you. Good luck!

[Bella]

My husband had that book on his night table for 7 months, without ever opening it, of course. Every time I passed it I read it as "Expectorant Father" for some strange reason. Thanks for making me laugh about that book again!

[BoB]

Look who's a finalist!

http://www.blogmechanics.com/bob/

[Danielle]

5 years of Spanish (in a school run by nuns) and never once taught any of the swear/sexual/dirty words apart from the word piropo which is lame in itself! I could help you in a restaurant, in a hotel or on a beach but forget the reproduction stuff!

Spanish is very much like French but many of the genders are different. On top of it, the syntax can be quite similar to English... such as trying to reduce the number of words...

Je suis en train d'écrire.
I am writing.
Estoy escribiendo.

Hasta la proxima,

Danielle

[Laura K.]

Aye de mi! No es bueno, indeed!

Hope you've figured things out. If not, iyou know they're paying those fertility nurses for a reason - call 'em up and bug 'em! And when she says, "Didn't you pay attention in your shots class?" just tell her you were too distracted by the mole hair on her face to pay attention. Or, maybe not.

L

[JuJuBee]

Hehee...I bought The Expectant Father for my husband for Christmas and I agree that the book is a big joke. I wish I had at least flipped through before laying down money for it. My favorite parts are where the book scares the shit out of you about your money situation after you are already a bit worried about funds and a baby...sure made my husband pleasant to be around.

[Janis]

A previous poster is right, don't read the labels Engish or otherwise.

Just for kicks and giggles, don't use the sharps container either. Use an empty milk jug or an empty clear 2 litre bottle. The visual of all those needles is staggering.

I tossed the needles from my BFN cycles. I kept every single one from the one that worked. Even the 12 weeks of PIO needles. I have them in my closet. I figure when the twins are older and start giving me lip I'll pull them out for blackmail or guilt trips. "See these needled? See what I went through? Now go clean your damn rooms!"

I know... I'm a sick puppy...

Wishing you all the best with this cycle!

[Janis]

uh that would be English, Spanish or otherwise.

Too much wine last night. My brain is still not working quite right.

Sorry...

[Karen]

First, ho, you need to email me. I'm missing your sarcastic what not in my box. Heh heh.

Second, yes, IVF never felt real to me until..I had the drugs...and then was injecting them...and then was getting blood drawn...and was getting results...and then was in for the retrieval...and then the transfer...etc. It felt more and more real each fucking time. I hated it. Make the realness go away! I like the pretend land.

Third, I love you.

[Lioness]

I would stay away from babelfish, it translates the most appaling things at times, be warned, especially if you intend to use it for something serious. I'm assuming the original read "hipofIsis", it's the pituitary in English. That's what happens when Anglos deny their Latin heritage. Ha.

[And Judy, I'm SHOCKED! And where has that one sentence led you, do tell.]