Minor Annoyances

Here are some actual examples of how one can extract useful information, tactfully:

"Did something happen to your eye?"

"What happened to your eye?"

"Did you hit yourself in the eye?"

"Did Steve hit you in the eye?"

So, yes, I did go to the party and with a little mascara and a smidge of concealer and a floof of powder and my hair ironed flat around my face and a bright, brave, lipstick-y smile... my deformity was still all anyone could talk to me about. Fortunately Steve and I managed to coordinate our stories and while I was painting a verbal portrait of the excessive gratitude with which the family of the three little girls thanked me for diving in front of that runaway tractor, Steve was using words like "vanity" and "tweezers" a lot. 

Actually, and truly fortunately, they had card tables set up and I am an inveterate card-player so who cares what my face looked like. You know the Earl of Sandwich? The guy who asked that his dinner be served to him between two slices of bread so as not to interrupt his game of whist? My doppelganger.

I could complain about how the speech pathology place dropped Patrick from their schedule as we were waiting (a whole extra week) for the insurance company to authorize payment (104 jam-packed therapy sessions now approved; 2 per week for 52 weeks - huzzah) and, having dropped him, are now saying that he cannot be treated by the woman we liked (the one whose schedule he was on as of last Tuesday; the one who did his evaluation) because she is no longer taking new patients.

As of, like, today.

Really, I could complain about this and it is true I called my mother this afternoon and cried, cried real tears about it. But... oh well. C'est la iniquitous behavior. He will start with some other random person there and although the new times for his therapy could be a lot better (as Patrick will actually be ASLEEP for his Thursday sessions since they had nothing available in the morning) I am sure it will be fine. Patrick has ACED the letter 'B' in just the past two weeks and can the 'SHL' sound be far behind? I doubt it.

And perhaps we can work out a better schedule after the first of the year. One which will allow Patrick to eat AND sleep AND go to speech therapy. Ahem. See how calm and rational I am when my plans are thwarted? Yes.

Which is why I am also so relaxed over the fact that I will be starting a new cycle, not this Friday as anticipated, but in TWO WEEKS, give or take, which will coincide beautifully with the mock embryo transfer. NOT.

Three people have asked what a mock embryo transfer is and the reason that I keep pretending not to see the question is I DON'T KNOW. I don't know anything. I do know that there are times a delicately nurtured person like myself prefers a little pelvic privacy and if my calculations are correct this is exactly what I will not have. I don't even know, can they do an hsg/sounding/mock transfer on Day One? And while I am asking questions of the Less-Than-Optimally-Fertile Set, what do you know about OPKs? I have had a medium dark line next to the ultra dark line for 8 to 10 days and just today got the nice dark dark dark line one wants to see (I mean, unless one was checking just to confirm that a trip to DC was not going to coincide with unpleasantness, in which case one is screwed.) But does that sound normal? Do you get a fairly dark second line for over a week before the real one shows up? Or should I ask to check LH levels when we re-do the day 3 bloodwork? Seriously, any thoughts?

Back to the mock embryo transfer, don't you think that they just insert jellybeans into the uterus to see if they will stick? That's my guess. What else could it be, really?

Speaking of mock embryo transfers remember the Mock Apple Pie recipe that used to be on the back of a box of Ritz Crackers? I read that damned thing 500 times when I was 7 because I thought, "Surely I have this wrong. I'm just a little kid so maybe I am missing something" but no it was true... that Mock Apple Pie had NO APPLES. Which means it wasn't just a mockery, it was a sham. A shamockery, to quote, um, someone.

It would be pleasingly symmetrical for the mock embryo transfer to involve apples, I think.

Comments

[Brooklyn Girl]

Ah, my dear....my mock transfer was an anti-climax, really. There were absolutely no apples or jellybeans or anything fun, really.

They "inserted a catheter into the cervix to assess the patency of the cervix, delineate the cervical canal and measure the uterine fundus." (Description courtesy of the letter I just received from my clinic to forward to my insurance company to convince them that this procedure was absolutely critical, but not--per this text--even remotely associated with IVF because of course that claim would be denied.)

That clears everything up, no?

[nikki]

Since you asked - Here is what I think (not sure where I got this info - may have just made it up) there is almost always LH in your system before ovulation. I would get gradually darkening OPKs for about 7 days. Then I wised up and only took them for the 3 or 4 days before when I thought I would ovulate because DAMN those tests are expensive! Best of luck!

[Linda]

Yeah, what Brooklyn Girl said. Basically they want to make sure they can fit a catheter through your cervix and how far they need to put it in to deliver the embryos. Also, what size catheter to use.

[Linda]

And I know you're busy with your eye issues and procreation and speech therapy, but could you post some new recipes?

[Garrison Steelle]

You didn't rip someone's heart out over the speech thing?

You're just too nice.

;)

-G

[Mollie]

Have a mocktacular time, Honey Lamb.

Missing you still.

[mellie]

Hoss of Bonanza fame once made a mock apple pie in some episode or another and it stands out in my memory as the only person real or fictitious ever to admit to making one. It's the only Bonanza trivia I've got, so it must have made quite an impression. It's the cream of tartar that makes it taste like apples, according to Hoss anyway!

My mock transfer was part of an HSG which my RE office will only do cycle days 6-10 unless you are on the pill, then they do it any time--so that is the thing to check--are you doing an HSG or just getting measured?

Mine wasn't so much a mock transfer as an inflation of my uterus with CO2 Gas and which was then measured I think with one of those gadgets you use to get the hem on a skirt straight. Actually, I didn't see the gadget so I'd rely on the comments from others for that bit. It was quick and they gave me good drugs (vicodin, valium, and a shot of advil) so I was a happy girl afterwards.

On the privacy issue, in my 20's I was soooo gynocologically shy that I think I went twice until I turned 30. Now, the stirrups are pretty much fluffy footrests as I hang out chatting up the RE. I try to remember the drape just so he doesn't think I am making advances.

[Judy]

Thank you. You're hilarious..

Regarding the "SHL" sound, if you'd like I can send my mother over to help Patrick out with that one. In addition to teaching kids to jump on the bed, she likes teaching them to exclaim "SHIT" with robust vigor. It's her own kind of speach therapy (shit part, not jumping on the bed). She's of the opinion you can teach a kid anything if you are enthusiatic about it, and she's proven it using some vocally challenged relatives and the word 'shit', which as we all know has the very difficult 'sh' sound.. So, what's worse children that can't pronounce sh or children that run around walmart shouting 'shit' as if it's a football cheer?

All that said the look on her brother's face when his grandchildren mastered the word 'shit' was pretty funny. Hopefully it won't be as funny when the look is on my face. Then again if it's timed with a visit to the inlaws it may be worth it..

[Jb]

if I recall my mock transfer it was also to get a measurement - with the catheter - they don't want to touch the end of your uterus with the catheter (at transfer time) as that may make your uterus contract, which is not good. so they need to know how far to put the embryos in. no idea what day mine was done on. I gave up on opks and switchted to a fertility montior because the sticks made me crazy so can't help you there.

[Julia]

I know nothing of mock transfers, but I did manage to get the hang of the OPK thing after running through a giant vial of the cheapie kind you can order online. The deal is to get within a few days of when you expect to ovulate, and try two a day - one am, one pm. You need the two super dark lines. Almost doesn't cut it. And yes, I always had LH in my system, no matter what.

Thanks for a good round of laughs at your expense! :)

[ValleyGal]

I don't know anything about mock transfers, but I do know that if you're having an HSG, the two Advils they tell you to take beforehand aren't nearly enough. I won't do it again without prescription strength fortification.

[Karen]

What I know about OPKs is that I am a rocket scientist and I couldn't figure those damn things out. They drove me nuts. The BBT method was much more reliable and didn't make me want to tear my hair out while crossing my eyes trying to read some lines on a urine soaked stick. Whoever invented OPKs should be drawn and quartered.

Best wishes for the next two weeks...I hope all the planets align and that Patrick does not nap during his speech therapy and that you are in DC at the right time of your cycle.

[Heather]

Hi Julia,

Thanks for the kind of answer re: "mock embryo transfer." I feel like I sort of know what it's not.

I'm debating posting this, but I've just finished (as of, ummm...two hours ago) my first term of graduate school, and I am semi-drunk, and I feel like giving a big "fuck it" to the information superhighway so here it goes:

When I read about how much speech therapy Patrick gets, I felt like screaming. Then I started crying. You should, I don't know. Stop Julia. Just, you know, be happy that you get that. We've never had insurance that would pay for speech therapy for Ivan. Never. Not once. The whole system is so, so fucking awful for people like me. That is, people who don't have money in the first place. Ivan has been tested and tested, and the most recent tests place him somewhere between the 1st percentile and the 2nd percentile for speech for his age group, and the school district will onyl give him 15 minutes a month. A month. And we don't have real insurance, and we've been on waiting lists for the "charity" places that train over eager grad students, and our car just broke down to the tune of $455, at Christmas for god's sakes, and I had an inane argument with someone who has given herself the moniker "flaming cheeto," where I realized some people are beyond help (which doesn't bode well for me teaching freshman comp. next year) and I'm just so tired and I know that I'm likely ruining my marriage by staying in school, but it's the only thing I really want to do, and when I'm at school, I'm so happy, and...and...I'm trying very hard to be happy for you. It's not easy.

This is what I want to say: I want to tell you that, come January, you'll find a new speech therapist. One that will be just as good for Patrick. The IVF will go fine. You'll be happy. And I'll be happy for you.

[Kim]

Ah, privacy... You'll get over that! I gave up on it years ago as I worked my way through a maze of doctors intent on misdiagnosing vulvar pain. Now I have a hearty laugh when people say things like, I could never see a male ob/gyn.

I understand the tears over something relatively minor like scheduling or which therapist you get. Even when you are going through big things, enormous things (or know others who are) that are supposed to put the small things in perspective, the small things can still be very upsetting.

As for the OPKs, my understanding is that you're not supposed to judge the relative strength of the line from day to day, just is it the same as or darker than control line. I disagree with others who recommend only doing this a few days/month because you could miss the important day. I really like the Clear Blue monitor and hey, what's another $200 in the face of IVF?

Good luck!

[Julie]

I love you, cracker coochie.

[Judy]

Just had another thought (yes, it took me a good night of sleep to come up with this one):

Why don't you post your swollen eye picture here?

Oh, come on it will be so much fun!

We'll all lie and tell you it doesn't look that bad - honestly we will!!

[Moxie]

In college we made a mock apple pie. The lure of the recipe on the box was just too strong. Here's what we discovered:

1. It costs twice as much to make a mock apple pie as to make a real apple pie.

2. It's twice as much work to make a mock apple pie as to make a real apple pie.

3. Mock apple pie tastes good. Not great, but good.

4. Mock apple pie kind of tastes like real apple pie, in a strange sort of way. But not enough to justify its existence.

At the end of the experiment, what we were left with was a lingering sense of unease about the whole thing, and no new knowledge of why people would choose to make a mock apple pie when they could make a real one.

Yours in science,

Moxie

[Debe]

Your blog is contagious. I woke up this morning with a sore in my right eyebrow. A zit or a sore? I'm not sure but my first thought was of you (right after I thought "OH shit!") We are leaving for a cruise the day after tommorow and if my eye swells shut (I'm blind in the other eye) and it ruins my vacation, I will not blame my tweasing, I will blame your blog!

[mellie]

Oops, sorry Julia I got the HSG or hysterosalpingogram mixed up with the hysteroscopy. The HSG is the one where they inject dye in your fallopian tubes and then x ray you, the hysteroscopy is the one where they inflate the uterus and send in a *tiny* camera. Images are nothing like a Jacques Cousteau documentary. The whole timing thing still holds--cycle days 6-10 as far as I can remember, which given my earlier confusion may not be worth much. Oh, and you don't get the good drugs with the HSG. Hmmmm. No more helpful information from me, then!

[wix]

your tale of covering up your eye troubles with makeup reminded me that i was mugged and got a black eye for my troubles few days before i had to sit for my senior portraits. since, like evil speech pathology scheduling places, senior portrait takers won't reschedule you even if you've just been attacked and have a black eye, i had to go through with it. i used an ungodly amount of makeup, but thankfully by that time the swelling had gone down and you can only tell that the eye in question is not quite right if you know what you're looking for. i was so annoyed, though, by the photographer that i didn't order any pictures. i'm hellishly unphotogenic anyway, even without a shiner, so the world was spared another laughable 'portrait'.

[Cecily]

Couldn't resist:

RITZ Mock Apple Pie

Pastry for two-crust 9 inch pie
36 Ritz Crackers, coarsely broken (about 1 3/4 cups)
2 tsp. cream of tartar
2 tbs. lemon juice
Grated rind of one lemon
2 cups water
2 tbs. margarine
2 cups sugar
1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
**NO apples needed

Roll out half the pastry and line a 9 inch pie plate. Place crackers in prepared crust. (Note: Do not crumble or pulverize the crackers.)

In saucepan, over high heat, heat water, sugar, and cream of tartar to a boil and simmer for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and rind; cool. Pour syrup over crackers. Dot with margarine; sprinkle with cinnamon. Roll out remaining pastry; place over pie. Trim, seal and flute edges. Slit top crust to allow steam to escape.

Bake at 425 F for 30-35 minutes or until crust is crisp and golden. Cool completely.

[wix]

ok, so, the mock apple pie is BROKEN CRACKERS, SUGAR, SPICES, AND BUTTER???

mother of god. that is creepy.

[melissa]

I know nothing about mock embryo transfers, but am intrigued by your jellybean scenario. Would you get to choose the flavor? If so, my vote is for Jelly Belly in Cotton Candy. Deeeelicious! Good Luck! In regards to Patrick's sppech therapy, don't forget that you have RIGHTS! There are laws to make sure that all children receive the services they need. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

[Flaming Cheeto]

The Ritz cracker apple pie is something chemistry nerds are a fan of. A chemical reaction actually takes place (but that's what most cooking is anyway). It's pretty good...for what it is. The texture even seems to replicate the legitmate apple pies I've had. But, yeah. It's creepy.

[amy]

Heather (sorry for the blog hijack, Julia):

I hear you. I do. From someone who's been there, let me say only that graduate school is wonderful but it is also a mirage in some ways--it's kind of like being drunk for a few years. If your marriage is good, hold tight to it. Many things will tempt you in grad school and you will feel like your true self is finally emerging, but remind yourself that a lot of this is situational. These people and these activities are temporary, and you will wake up on the other side of school wiser and richer and more fulfilled but without the same proximity of people and conversations and heady intellectualism. You don't want to wake up alone on that other side, wishing maybe you'd kept some of what you gave away.

Always remind yourself that it is temporary. Some things will be better when you finish, and some things will be worse. If you know anyone who is trying to get a professorial job with a degree in the humanities, you already know how MUCH worse things can get.

Here endeth the lesson. Very best of luck to you and your family. Congrats on finishing your first semester.

[patricia]

I am so glad to know what a mock transfer is - I was too sheepish to ask.

It's the speech therapy type of bureaucratic nightmares that always make me cry. Always.

Is there something wrong with me that the only SHL word that I can think of is schlong?

[Lila]

Also: "shlamiel" and "shlamozzle".