There Is No Way To Neatly Conjoin These Topics

Amazon is providing a link by which you can donate money to the American Red Cross for tsunami relief efforts. I trust the Red Cross to use that money wisely and well, but if you prefer there are many other relief agencies accepting donations as well. If, like me, you have just been sitting at your computer, weeping, it might help.

Steve finally bodily removed me from the Washington Post yesterday, saying "Why do you keep reading these articles? They just make you cry."

"I don't know," I said and cried some more.

There are people who are able to use the written word to galvanize strangers and make sense, somehow, of tragedies so enormous they numb the world. I am not one of them. I deal in the mundane, so although I am not oblivious to the sorrow and horror around me I am going to talk about myself some more. Forgive me.

I have made two loose resolutions in the past week, the first being to update more frequently, daily if I can manage it. I like writing here and I like reading your comments and when I let too much time elapse I feel like I have gobs to say and too little time to say it. A vicious cycle. So this is my intention, anyway, and one of my Christmas presents from Steve was a pocket PC and keyboard so I can do just that while Patrick is in speech therapy. Not that I didn't love getting caught up on my People magazine reading, I did, but how many articles can I read about Julia whatshername's twins, I ask you? Question for you: having read a year's worth of People in the past two weeks I can tell you that her reported due date was "early January" and yet her late November babies were supposedly born at 36 weeks gestation. Um, you do the math for me because somehow it just isn't working out when I do it.

My second resolution is to try and just do one thing at a time. Usually when I write these things I am also prep cooking dinner and putting away laundry and unloading the dishwasher and watching the clock because Patrick only naps for so long, you know. The end result is that I wind up with half a chopped onion, a partially full basket of clean clothes covered in cat hair (no cat can resist an unattended pile of clean clothes), and dirty and clean dishes mingled wily-nily on the counter. Then Patrick wakes up and all work stops so I can play with him. This is why it takes me hours to post a new entry. No more! Streamlined and focussed, I will now efficiently dispatch a given task before moving on to the next one. I will be sleek and beautiful and Good Housekeeping will send a panel out to admire me.

Warning: The following anecdote contains a toddler and his bowels. I also use the word "poop" more often than I have in my entire life. I hate the word. I hate this subject. You are warned.

In some ways Patrick is very advanced for his age and in some ways he is shockingly behind, both of which make him merely human, I suppose. At two and a half he has shown zero interest in his own bodily functions (he does ask me to change him after the fact but that is it) and whenever I enthusiastically ask him if he wants to sit on the potty he always dismisses me with a terse, "All done."

Today I was getting him dressed on our bed (his trajectory and that of the clean clothes happened to come into rough proximity while in our room this morning) and I thought I smelled something a bit... earthy. I delicately sniffed at his bottom and when I did so Patrick said, "Did you poop?"

Meaning, of course, that he knew I was about to ask him that because I ALWAYS ask him that under the circumstances.

I laughed and said, "Well? Did you poop?"

And Patrick uttered the weird "Huhn" he uses in situations when the rest of us say "Yes" or maybe "Yeah." But, in fact, he had not, so I asked, "Do you need to poop?" and he said "Huhn" again.

Burning with the enthusiasm of a thousand coked up clowns I said, "Let's go sit on the potty! Won't that be fun? Do you want to sit on the potty?" and Patrick frowned ever so slightly and said, "All done."

I sighed and rhetorically asked him, "Why do you always say 'all done' when I ask if you want to use the potty?"

He then shocked my lights out by answering me. "It's messy," he said clearly.

What?!

"No, no," I said, "the potty is very clean. USING the potty is very clean. Mommy and Daddy use the potty. Big boys and girls use the potty. Surely you want to use the potty too?"

"Boys and girls use the potty?" he said. "Mommy and daddy use the potty?" he said.

"Yes!" I enthused thinking, My GOD at LAST!

"No. No no no." Patrick shook his head. "It's yucky."

Here I was thinking that Patrick was just unaware of the vast world outside the realm of diapers when, if fact, he has a reasoned antipathy towards it. Great. Bloody marvelous. We will be moving from diapers to incontinence products as he grows.

Sigh.

Comments

[Toni]

I've been told that boys are slower at the potty training than girls. Not sure why that is - but my mil swears that she thought my hubby would be walking down the aisle in diapers (he did not - that I was aware of).

My own daughter has had some minor luck in the potty training area - at 18 mths, she's seeming to be kind of interested...but I'm sure it's too early. I wish you luck in this arena.

As for the tsunami, I can't even comprehend what is going on. I just don't understand how something like that (500mph) could happen. I'll be donating to the red cross though :)

Looking forward to reading you daily!

[Karen]

Neatly conjoined!

[Kim]

Julia-

This is my first comment for you. The Patrick story is quite funny. Does mommy not like messy either? LOL You can try the putting him on it and feed him m&ms for sitting there. Usually, something just accidently happens while there and the ball is rolling. Reading books there might help too. JMHO. I have 2 boys, so it goes with the territory.

[Kim]

Nephew #1 was late to use the potty and when he went to a nursery school (at 2 and a bit), my sister sent him in pull-ups, hoping that if he saw the other kids he would, you know. He did not. And since staff at said nursery school did not change diapers, whenever he pooped, she would get a phone call and have to rush down there to change him!

What she told herself (over and over) was, I know he'll be potty trained by the time he goes to kindergarten. Well he's 4.5 now and I can assure you he's been trained for a whole year. Hang in there.

And I didn't know what to say about the earthquake either, but I gave it a go over at my site.

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

I love that boy of yours!

[Abby]

I'm a nurse, and therefor I've cleaned a lot of poop in my life. Your son is right on-it IS messy! Smart kid!

[chasmyn]

If full term is 42 weeks, and Juila's were born in late November at 36, that's right. January (early) would have been right. 42-36= 6 - so add 6 weeks to late November and you have early January.

[Moxie]

The Bear in the Big Blue House DVD about potty training has a strange way of making little boys think the potty is very cool. My son has been trained for 6 months now, but he still likes to watch the DVD and say, "I'm a Toileteer!"

Oh, and I think 1) they told us her due date was in January so reporters wouldn't be staked out at the hospital at the right time, or 2) she had an early C so she wouldn't get stretch marks.

[Summer]

Oh, I hope the Bear in tbe Big Blue House potty book has the same effect on my boy. It's all wrapped and waiting under the tree for Epiphany.

Can't help you with the "potty is yucky" thing, Julia. Quite often, the potties in my home are pretty yucky, as Daddy isn't fond of emptying them. In fact, since Daddy supervised tonight's after-dinner poop, I should go check to see if he left everything in the potty for me to clean. Again.

[Kim]

Celebrities commonly give a false due date. I assume it keeps people guessing so that they don't have time to camp out a Cedars-Sanai or UCLA to snap a picture of the babe for The Enquirer. I noticed the same thing with Debra Messing. Or was it Celine Dion?

Anyway, I can't help you with potty-training. I think the teachers at Jarod's school had more to do with it than I did. Not my proudest motherly admission. I can tell you this, it took a long time. I can' tell you how many times I rushed to get him on the potty before the load of crap he had been saving all day landed in his fruit o'the looms. As my Steve would say, "I'll wipe his ass all day, just so long as he shits on the toilet." It's a little joke we share. At least we can laugh about it now. There's hope for Packy yet.

[Jennifer]

I would be deee-lighted to hear from you everyday.

My firstborn didn't master the potty thing until 3 years and 4 months of age. And she's a girl. No amount of encouragement or enthusiasm on my part made a fraction of a difference. When she finally did it, she insisted on being diaper-free both day and night. Personally, I think that diapers are much easier to manage than potties. Toddlers and public toilet stalls are simply not compatible.

[Moxie]

Jennifer, it's totally different with a boy. They don't have to touch *anything* in a public restroom. Just whip it out and pee into the toilet, then Mommy flushes with her foot and you both run like hell.

In NYC many many moms carry this along so we never have to find a public restroom. Best $10 a girl mom can spend, IMO. (Search onestepahead.com for the On The Go Potette if the link doesn't work.)
http://www.onestepahead.com/jump.jsp?lGen=detail&itemID=85757&itemType=PRODUCT&iProductID=85757&change=117

[Judy]

I don't really watch the news, but I do read articles online. I thought it was my hormones causing me bawl in front of the monitor (glad to hear I'm not the only one). I can't comprehend that many people dead.. Oh, and MSN has a list of agencies accepting donations. We've decided on doctors without boarders, just because of the illness fallout expected.

My only sick thought on this was "I wish they let you donate money online anonymously, so that the agencies don't stalk you for donations for years to come." I'm still trying to convince the NYC ballet and Ohio State University that I no longer live at this address. Telling them that I'm unemployed (true) does not seem to deter them.

Chasmyn, please don't tell me 42 weeks is full term. Everything I've read has told me 40, and that 36 is a perfectly healthy duration as well. I'm aiming for 38 (3.5 weeks from now), which is about all I think I can take..

I have no experience in potty training, but (and you all may baulk at this) perhaps if you left him in his dirty nappies for a bit (just long enough to get uncomfortable and hopefully realize that diapers are messy too) he might be more accepting of the toilet. Or, you could have him clean the toilet with you. Or (best idea yet) have Steve take him shopping for a new clean shiny toilet, and they can make a father/son project of installing Patrick's new toilet together.. That could motivate him to shit in the bowl.

Oh, and I'm glad to hear that you like reading our comments, because I know mine are always far too long *shrug*

[Mollie]

We waited until Nico was nearly three and a half. And then he trained in a week.

I loved him in diapers. I think he might have been able to train as early as two and a half, but who cares? I wasn't in a hurry, and neither, I guess, was Nico.

Every time I changed Dana as a newborn, though, I would say out loud, "Thank GOD only the one of them is in diapers."

[e]

omg all the back spaces because I must be drunk (who me?!) to say Ditto Mollie.....he will get it in time but let him do it in his own time frame. He isn't even 3 yet and he is a boy!! I promise, he will potty train and if you leave well enough alone it will be completely painless. If I'm wrong I'll buy you a few hundred drinks ;-) I love the thought of your posting daily....and I am also sobbing online for hours reading the bbc and other world news, as if somehow more information is going to make me feel better. sigh.

[Janis]

Okay here is how potty training my immensely stubborn Caitelin worked.

We went to the local pool for a night of swimming. Caite had a blast.

The next day when she was asking for a diaper so she could poop (she was pee trained already) I took her to the bathroom and once again showed her the toilet.

"This" I told her, "Is a poo poo swimming pool. Poops LOVE to swim. And if you put them in a diaper they get squished and can't swim and it makes the poop sad."

"When you put the poops in the toilet, they get to swim and then after you flush, they get to go to a big poop party!"

She looked at me like I was nuts, but she agreed that poops probably loved to swim as much as she did. So she gave it a try. And she pooped. On the toilet. She laughed, flushed, waved goodbye and told her poop to have a fun poo poo party.

The rest is history. She never again asked for a diaper, never once pooped her pants. Her poops were the partiest poo's in town after that!

HAHA!

Don't laugh. Just try it. It could work. You never know.

Good luck to you!

[StepCorrect]

My sister's oldest son yells, "wiiiiiiipe pleeeeeeeez!" when he's done in the bathroom. So even when they train, they're still not really done. I just hope he doesn't do that in school!

[Slim]

"Surely you want to use the potty too?"
He didn't say "No, I don't, and don't call me Shirley?"

[sinda]

So, I realize you didn't ask for advice. And yet, I feel compelled to offer it.

I have 2 girls, 4 1/2 and 2 1/2. With the oldest, we totally missed the boat - we ignored the signs we saw, telling ourselves that it was surely too early. The result was that she started around 2 1/2, took a year to choose to poop in the toilet instead of a pull up, and we've only recently ceased the pull ups at night.

With the youngest, we saw the signs early - at around a year, she would sit on the potty seat (which her sister disdained!), fully clothed, with a diaper on, and poop. So we let her try to use it as often as she liked.

At 18 months, she started at the school she still attends, and the toddlers there don't wear diapers or pull ups. They do go through many changes of clothing! What I like is that the emphasis is NOT on "Let's use the potty!." Rather, they work on independence, and causal relationships, such as - "Oh, you have spoiled/wet your clothing. Let's go clean up and get new clothing." And the little people take off their clothing, clean up (with assistance as needed) and put on new clothing. They make incredible improvements on their motor skills and relish the independence.

Within 3 months, she had fully learned how to use the toilet, and never wore a diaper or pull up again, not even at night. Except when she was jealous of her big sister who got to wear one - she was convinced that pull ups were for big girls!

My friend's boy child, who is 6 months younger, would stay with my youngest in the afternoons three days a week, and just by watching her and by his parents applying the same technique, he learned how at 18 months.

They still have accidents, but more from concentrating on their work to the exclusion of all else, including bodily functions.

What I've learned, for me, is that they will learn how to do it when I am ready to bite the bullet and decide I am ready - ready to slow down life for a bit, ready to clean up many unpleasant messes (Child #1 pooped in her pants 3-4 times total. Child #2 never, thankfully - I really really dislike cleaning it up!), and ready to be matter of fact about the whole process. By not being ready the first time, we really dragged out the entire process far too long.

OK, I had a lot to say - ultimately, whatever works for you is what will work for your family, but I do think you have to be personally ready. Good luck!

And I'm so glad to think of reading you each day - hurray! happy new year!

[bec 34]

I think there needs to be a middle ground between your son's view and mine. Ethan has used the potty a few times, and this last time he practically stuck his entire head in the bowl to be sure the poopy could hear him say "BYE BYE POOPY!" If I hadn't stopped him he would have reached in and touched it. YUCKY!

bec :D

[Karen]

Sigh, my guy Cass trained at oh....4 and some odd change. He simply told me he didn't have time and then...that it was MUCH EASIER HAVING ME CHEAN A DIAPER than to have to use the potty himself. Unfortunately is a theory that I find often carries over to adulthood with some guys

[Vaughn]

I can't really add much about the second part of your post but I echo the concern from the first part. My husband keeps telling me to turn off the tv as I sit weeping in front of all the coverage.

Rex Murphy, a journalist, and a fellow Canadian put it brilliantly. Here is, in part what he had to say:

It should remind us here on the heels of Christmas in ways that are far too numerous to count that we, in what we call the West, are always on the top side of fortune's wheel. That whatever are the miseries or contentions of life, say, here in Canada, most of our misfortunes and conflicts are by comparison contracted and trivial. We're lucky, if that's the right word, to live in a part of the world where it's news if an airport is shut down because of a storm or there's a rash of fender benders after the first snowfall.

It is an axiom of this world that the worst things happen in the poorest places to people in the weakest circumstances. If you were born in the West, you've won the only lottery that really counts from the very first moment you take air...

It may be the wrong end of the telescope to look at it this way, but the disaster and death that have visited the world in the interlude between Christmas and New Year's should be or must be the dread stimulus for the First World to begin paying some homage to the perpetual plight of those caught in the Third. There's still enough of the Christmas spirit left to remember 2004 for something more than its orgy of Boxing Day sales. And if an earthquake and a tsunami can't wake us out of the slumbers of complacency and prosperity, well then there's nothing that can.

[victoria]

My friend's son wasn't potty trained until he went to kindergarten. Seriously, he was still peeing his pants 5 or 6 times a day until he was five and a half. It seemed like the more she struggled to make him use the toilet the more he resisted her.

[Tertia]

Oh lord, i hadn't thought of that whole aspect still to come. You have to wipe their bums?

yuck, its messy

[Suz]

When you get the do one thing at one time trick figured out, please let me know!

[Susy]

Hah! Love the potty story. My almost-two-year-old daughter always denies it when she poops. I smell it, and look at her and say "Poo poo?" and she always shakes her head and says "No" very decisively. But she's lying! Then I say, "All right. Let's go change your diaper." and she says "No!" and "All done!" the whole time!

We got a potty DVD called "Once Upon a Potty". Perhaps you've heard of it. It's the only potty video I've ever watched (yeah, poor me) but I suspect it's NOT the best one out there. Anyway, my daughter LOVES it. She'll watch it over and over again while dancing around with her little plastic potty (balancing it on her head), but has no interest in using it for its proper purpose. It features this infectious little song that requires a hand drill (so that you can drill a hole in your head to get it to stop playing in your head for DAYS). So whenever she hands us the DVD and says "Potty?", we say, "OK, I'll pop it in for you. But let me go get the hand drill...."

[Crystal]

Wait. He doesn't go to the bathroom with you (or preferably Steve)?

Watching you go is definitely helpful. Having him wave bye bye to *your* poo and flush it down the toilet can prevent future trauma down the road (don't ask, just trust me).

Seriously, it works wonders. Er, except that if your child is John, then he doesn't want to use the little boy potty anymore, he wants to use the big boy potty. So with great misgivings, after a month of wonderful progress, you let him, and he falls in, and there is no more potty training for two years.

That said, potty training a 4.5 year old is very easy. One pair of cotton trainer, one bottle of folex, two pairs of 4T pants and underwear, and one afternoon.

Have I mentioned that I'm the laziest cuss known to mankind?

[rachel]

both of my girls (well, the older 2. we're cutting the baby some slack) potty trained at between 3 and 3 1/2. both within a day when they were ready. no fuss, no muss. Patrick's still little, I wouldn't worry at all, myself.
We donated for the tsunami too, and we're going to do some local charity donating this weekend.

[maninman]

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