Travel Bites

Hello! or Heh-no! as Patrick likes to say.

Speaking of things he likes to say I present you with the following knock-knock jokes, penned by Patrick while he was lap-belted in place on the airplane:

Knock-knock. Who's there? APPLE PUPPY!

Knock-knock. Who's there? JAMMY IN THE CLOSET! [Jam is our one-quarter Domestic Shorthair, three-quarters Deranged cat who does, indeed, live exclusively in our closet]

Knock-knock. Who's there? DINOSAUR NOISES! [Followed by a strange gargling sound that, in the absence of surviving evidence to the contrary, one may safely assume to be an excellent dinosaur imitation]

Immediately after take-off on our return flight Patrick said, "Goodnight everybody. Now I shut my eyes" (he squeezed his eyes shut) "and go to sleep." Whereupon he tucked Bear behind his head, slumped onto Steve's lap, and did just that for almost the duration of the flight. He was, as the French say, yummy.

And that pretty much covers everything great that happened on the trip.

On the bad side we have:

1. After driving an hour from Baltimore we went to Steve's parents to get settled before joining my mom for dinner. "Do YOU have Patrick's bag?" Steve asked. Why no, how could I have the bag with all of Patrick's stuff in it when we had managed to idiotically leave it behind on the rental car shuttle bus?

Baltimore is a perfectly convenient airport from which to drive to DC... ONCE. With the return trip four hours after leaving the place I have concluded it sucks. I don't even like the Ravens anymore.   

2. Someone hit our rental car and scraped the fender.

3. Steve's parents have a lovely old clock that chimes melodiously every. fifteen. fucking. minutes. I am not exaggerating when I say I got three hours sleep between Friday and Monday.

4. I had my eyebrows waxed in Georgetown and they look weird.

5. The airline lost our bag on the return trip and it is still missing. Steve says it is "just stuff" but as that stuff happens to include Patrick's Christmas presents from my mother I am a little sad. Also my favorite brown shirt. And two of Patrick's four baby blankets. I thought of calling the airline and telling them that they have lost Very Important Things in that bag and they Must Find It but then I had to laugh at myself. I mean, other than the occasional traveler who ships actual garbage in his luggage isn't EVERY lost bag full of very important things? So I am trying to resign myself to being patient and understanding. I hope they find our luggage though, my mom is bummed about it.

The IVF stuff was neither good nor bad, just very much there. I'll give you details tomorrow. Right now I have to put up a tree, decorate it, write my Christmas cards (shut up, I know they're late; I forgot,) wrap presents and place an order for $2000 worth of fertility drugs. Fa La La La La.

Hope you're well. We never seem to talk anymore...      

Comments

[Megan]

Hi Julia - I just wanted to send you a quick note to tell you that I've loved reading your postings so far, and that I too am doing long-distance IVF at SG. I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope that you're able to enjoy your time in DC.

Megan

[Lisa M.]

Hey, hey now, let's be careful about slamming Baltimore. Technically, it is BWI that you have a problem with and that is located in godforsaken Linthicum. For a real barrel of laughs, you should try flying into Dulles. Whenever we plan our vacations my husband always checks for flights out of Dulles. I gently tap him on the shoulder and remind him that I would rather earn some extra cash by dancing nude at Club Ticktock than try to save a few hundred dollars by taking a 7:30 AM flight out of Dulles.

I don't really like the Ravens either, but my feelings have more to do with their publicly-funded monstrosity of a stadium than a mishap with luggage.

Please tell me how you got Patrick to sleep on the flight. We have a six hour flight in the end of January with Sean and I am panicking already.

Must feel good to be home.

Lisa

[e]

Welcome home! Go to Jackie for your brows too, she admonished me on my last visit to leave them the hell alone between visits and she'd do her best to fix my "touch ups". Patrick is a doll to have slept on the flight home....and I'm amazed that an accident didn't befall the coocoo clock....

[Sisyphus]

Welcome back. You were missed.

[Garrison Steelle]

We had a trip like that one Christmas. DFW. Sucked. We haven't flown as a family since.

Glad you made the trip back safely.

And yes, you really should drop by for a spot of tea. ;)

-G

[Soper]

For you, I present this little known fact about Alabama: Scottsdale, AL is home to the unclaimed luggage store.

This is where your stuff will turn up if you don't claim it...

http://www.unclaimedbaggage.com

(and you can get really amazing deals on all kinds of stuff!)

[Christine]

Okay, so you were travelling halfway across the country, with your husband and small child, in order to get your first IVF started, dealt with forgotten and lost luggage, car damage, and no sleep, and **you forgot to send your Christmas cards.**

Well, it's just all about youyouyou, isn't it?

[Mollie]

Ear. Plugs.

Won't help you find your luggage, but they're aces for overcoming sleep disorders brought on by strange noises in strange places. My brand: hearos. I stocked up on them at Walgreen's when I was back in MN; there's nothing like them here. Their little ultra-squishy, flesh-coloured, no-flange-at-the-end goodness has saved me from sure divorce and other maladies.

Wow. A toddler who sleeps on a plane without the aid of Benadryl? I'm more than a little jealous.

[Kinneret]

It may help if you take a deep breath and try and find an hour (ok, half an hour?) to unwind a touch (read: drink some wine). Poor thing, you sound like you're wound tighter than MIL's clock ...

I hope you get your bag back *fingers crossed* and that the good doc gave you good feedback. *hugs*

Kinneret (aka Sara in MD)

[Toni]

So glad you're back. Hitting refresh, waiting for more stories...doesn't really allow for blistered fingers :)

Welcome home!!!

[Laura K.]

Patrick sounds precious! Those knock-knock jokes - he's come a long way from the broccoli light! I'm glad he was so easy on the plane for you. I'm sorry, though, that the plane was so rough on you guys - lost luggage sucks.

I hope your next trip has more of the good events and less of the bad ones.

Oh, and a carol just for you:
Deck the halls with vials of hormones
fa la la la la, la folistim!

Okay, it's early and that was lame, please accept my apologies. :)

Laura

[genie]

I must say that Patrick's knock knock jokes are quite advanced. My son has only one version and it goes something like this, "knock, knock" "who's there" "orange (or insert whatever color you fancy at the moment" "orange who" "orange poo poo." After which he convulses with laughter. Not really MENSA material I'm afraid.

Oh and, you think you would have learned after the last unfortunate eyebrow incident....no more waxing. I used to do it religiously and, despite the fact that I looked like I had been beaten for several hours after the waxing, it was a much better look than the bushy caterpiller-like things that grow there naturally. Recently though I purchased one of those multi-use nose hair, sideburn, eyebrow etc trimmers and it keeps them managable without the waxing. I may never wax again.

[Christine K]

Genie, I'm laughing so hard - our sons are cut from the same cloth. I was just about to post his knock knocks:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Nana
Nana who?
POO!!!! (screams with laughter)

Knock knock
Who's there?
Josh
Josh who?
Nana Papa POOOOO!!!!

And his favorite:
KK
Who's there?
POO!

Was very impressed with Patrick's ability to keep it out of the potty humor department.

Good luck with the traveling and the cycling and surviving the holidays! I hope your mom's gifts are found really really soon.

[Debe]

God, that thing with Patrick on the plane...totally worth the whole misserable trip. At least from my point of view (since I did'nt have to experience any of the bad stuff). And, the clock would have mysteriously been found out in the garage after the first night!

[Judy]

Patrick sounds delightful. I'm going to try to forget this post before I have to travel with our future off-spring. From a Karma-bus stand point I'm guessing that drugs (for baby or me) will be in order. That said, I should add that question 'Where do you stand on drugging kids for flights?' to my future pediatrician interview questionnaire.

Oh, and.. American Express has a car rental insurance program for card holders (you have to sign up for it though). For $20/rental you're covered (no deductible) for damages (up to something). It saved us $600 when some idiot broke into our completely empty rental car for God knows what on our last vacation. It really made no sense to us - the car was completely empty, and as the car was trunk-less it was obviously empty. Of course they broke the lock in the process, hence the $600 repair bill I happily passed along to Amex.

[Melissa]

Judy, I really DID ask my pediatrician where she stood on the drugging kids for flights issue! She actually said, "When you can give your child one dose of medicine that will do him no harm whatsoever AND it will make the trip more bearable for BOTH of you, why wouldn't you do it?" I was very surprised. And once I recovered from the surprise, I was in a big hurry to get to the drugstore. What's that knocking sound I hear? Oh, hold on, I think I hear child protective services knocking on the door...

[chris]

I hate to disparage an entire town, especially given how much work they've put into Fell's Point and the inner harbor, but Baltimore pretty much blows.

[Karen]

My grandmother's giant grandfather clock stopped mysteriously just around midnight each time we visited her. Apparently opening the glass front and strangling the swinging doo-hickey will have that result. In the morning a gentle push resumed the incessant fucking chiming. Fa la la la la, la la la LA.

[Tertia]

Even though we dont talk that much any more, the love is still there dear asshole.

I thought Patrick's jokes were hilarious.

[terri c]

Dear Julia, Steve, and Patrick, putting up trees etc. goes much better with wine, or hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps, or almost anything with kahlua. Oh and by the way, those German pancake things that bake in the oven? If you put kahlua on them instead of maple syrup they taste every bit as good. It was an accident, I swear, but a good one. Merry Christmas to a family who is almost singly responsible for my Internet addiction.

[Sheridan]

Welcome home! Um, you forgot something else on your
to-do list...the spag bol recipe...pleeeeeeeeease????

And a very Merry Christmas to you, Steve & Patrick from another addicted reader who misses you terribly when we don't get to talk.

[Abby]

You're not alone. I haven't sent 1 single Xmas card...yet. I WILL start tonight! (Shut up everybody-I said I will!)

[Brooklyn Girl]

Damn you for mentioning the Christmas cards....I'm still wondering if anyone will notice if Id on't send them. Again.

[MustangSally]

Just chiming in to say that a gentle immobilization of the clock's pendulum for a few seconds should make it stop.