IVF.9

Hey.

The good news is that it no longer matters whether or not I wind up pregnant. I have discovered UTZ Carolina Barbeque potato chips on this trip and if that discovery isn't worth $18K and two weeks in Washington I do not know what is. Bless those clever Pennsylvania chip-makers and curse a transportation system that cannot get them to Minnesota in the requisite two days for UTZ to consider distributing them in the white white North.

Body Parts That Hurt Right Now:

Shins - Steve asserts that it is not possible to develop shin splints by simply walking the few blocks from car to clinic every morning but that if it WERE possible then this would indicate that I am in worse shape than the living dead and I need to seriously consider my brother's recommendation that I exercise more often. Needless to say they can both blow a goat.

Three Fingernail Pads and Two Cuticles - In the utter relaxation of this marvelous procreation vacation I have somehow managed to use my own hands like a rawhide chew toy. Gross.

Crooks of Elbow (Two) - I have had a lot of blood drawn in my day and I have never been as consistently abused by lab techs as I have in the world of reproductive endocrinology. These people take the motherfucking cookie (that is, if a cookie were to be presented in recognition of Worst Blood Draw EVER.) Every estradiol level has left a swollen bruise the size of a nickel and I can no longer comfortably bend my arms. Fortunately, unrestricted limb movement is vastly overrated.

Here Here and Here on My Stomach - I seem to be rapidly losing weight with the fertility medication. Before you say Fuck you, Julia (ok, fine, say it. I'll wait) I would like to point out that I had a perfectly nice cushion of fat on my abdomen which made the initial Lupron shots quite comfortable. Now Steve is struggling to find something to pinch and each shot hurts like blazes. Fat, as I have long maintained, is Friendly. The good news is I am done with the stomach shots and we now get to turn our attention to the haunches where I am certain there is still plenty of padding. How bad can they be?

Bottom Lip - As I was wrapping a host/hostessing gift for my inlaws last night I inadvertently stuck a piece of Scotch tape to my lip. When I removed the tape my lip started bleeding and I am not entirely sure it has stopped yet. It hurts like a legitimate wound and yet the circumstances surrounding its acquisition are so stupid that I have been forced to deny that there is anything wrong with the lip at all. Except to you guys, so don't forget to say "There, there."

Body Parts That Do Not Hurt:

Ovary R and Ovary L - I have been nervously aware of the fact that I feel absolutely nothing in the nether regions. Surely booming ovaries should at least twinge a little? And yet today's ultrasound showed follicles measuring: 21 21 19 18 18 18 16 16 plus another 12 or 13 follicles larger than 12mm. So about 21 in total and I am getting the trigger shot tonight for a Sunday retrieval. I have been on such low doses of Gonal-F and Repronex for the past few days I felt like a martini with the stims as vermouth. Yesterday Steve stuck an empty syringe into my abdomen and merely wafted the Repronex bottle above it (25 units of Repronex and 100 units of gonalF, if you are feeling biographical.) E2 was just under 3000 yesterday, not sure what it is today.

So we shall see. I continue to feel utterly disoriented by this entire experience. The IVF parts are no big deal, frankly, taking up about 30 minutes of clinic time in the morning and 4 minutes of needlework at night but the extended stay away from home is wearing me down. None of my socks match, I cannot check my email or read my favorite blogs for fear of discovery and I am tired of these midget cups that pass for tea mugs around here.

On the plus side, though, some of it has been a lot fun. I am utterly jealous of people who have familiy near them ALL THE TIME. My mom took Patrick for a few hours on Wednesday night and Steve and I went for sushi and then stopped at a pub for a beer. My apologies, by the way, to anyone who wandered into the 4P's during our short visit. I don't know why my husband and I started making out at the bar but I do swear it will never happen again. Shameless. Last night my inlaws watched Patrick and we went for dinner with Steve's sister. Tonight we are ordering in good Chinese food (which does not exist in Minnesota) and tomorrow we see my mother again and Sunday I get sedated while they fish oocytes from my body. So there are good parts too. Yin and yang.

OH! Speaking of which, my local acupuncturist is absolutely delightful. She took the time to track down the latest study on IVF and acupuncture before I arrived. She noted that the study parameters were very specific as to times of treatment (25 minutes before and after embryo transfer) and she worried that I wouldn't want to be rushing around the city in an effort to get back to her. So she decided that she is coming with me to Rockville. After our session she called to say that a friend of hers has offered the use of an office in her nearby medical practice so I do not even have to bring her to ShaSha GroGro with me. Which is good because I was a little worried about appearing with an entourage. My father-in-law joked that the whole family could come: Hi. I am Julia and I am here for a transfer. This is my acupuncturist, my psychiatrist, my attorney, my husband, my child and my nanny. We'll need a larger room.

I mean, IF we even have anything to transfer which is still a big Maybe.

But I hope so.

Comments

[Cory]

Thanks for the post, Julia. And yes, it's entirely possible for you to get shin splints in such a short time, walking for a short distance. I'm assuming that you don't do that type of pavement walking near your woodland home. I'm in good shape, but this winter, as I started walking my dogs in the evenings on the sidewalk pavement in my non-workout shoes, I developed shin splints in 3 days. No need to exercise - just try different dorky, supportive shoes. Best wishes to you & yours.

[Judy]

The thought of your brother and Steve taking turns to blow a goat is disgusting beyond words. Yes, I managed a visual on that one.

Sorry about all your pains. And, what are haunches? thighs? butt cheeks? *shrug*

Perhaps your next hostess gift should be big girl mugs. In the very least you'll have use of them on that particular trip.

I know nothing of IVF, but based on what you're paying I think you should be allowed to show up with an entourage. And, I think the office should serve said entourage tea and cookies.

Good luck with the Egg Hunt!

Judy

[Heather]

As a Pennsylvania native, I can strongly agree with their potato chip-making abilities. Something comforting about reading this on the ingredient list on the label: potatoes, lard, salt. Gotta love it! If you can get your hands on them in DC, I would also suggest Martin's (any variety) or Kay N Rays, although they are pretty small town, so I doubt you could find them.

Best of luck to you and your family.
Heather
mom to Becca, age 4

[Rachel]

I totally miss the Four P's, now that we no longer live within walking distance (or, actually, within 100 miles anymore). And, hey, I'd say you totally deserve a little public making out, given your bruised and battered state. Have at it.

[Kristin]

Julia,

First-time poster here, long-time reader...

Just wanted to say I LOVE the 4P's and have made out there with my hubby (pre-kids, when we were really fun).

Best of luck on your IVF...we're routing for you here in the Nation's Capital.

Kristin
mom to Alex and Mia (almost 9 months)

[Toni]

You continue to crack me up....hehehehehe...

Keep eating those chips...perhaps they will find their way to your tummy...or at least to your ass, where you will need some 'cushion' for the PIO shots. Don't ice it - promise, it's better not too.

As for your numbers - they look GREAT. It's amazing how many of the eggs that they think won't be ready really could be. They told me I had 24...they lied - I had 30+.

Here's to hoping that you continue to make out in bars, find good people to surround you, buy plenty of chips to ship back to MN and have many eggs to transfer (but, please, don't transfer all of them!).

[Lisa]

Dude, I've totally done that rip-the-lip thing. With Post-Its AND with the evil, evil Scotch tape.

Once I did it so bad IT LEFT A SCAB. A scab on my lip that looked like a chancre, which was fine because I'd almost rather people think I had herpes than for them to know I ripped my lip.

[Brooklyn Girl]

I used to haunt the 4Ps 10 or so years ago until a certain St. Patrick's Day when I may have been a trifle overserved. Not long after I left town permanently. Coincidence or no?

Your numbers sound great. Wishing you all the best.

[Deborah]

I'm so jealous about you making out with your husband in public that I can't even speak.

But I'm thinking "there, there" about your lip.

[Cecily]

If you like Utz you'd love Gibbles. Cause they are made with LARD. And they have this unbelievably cheery little ad copy about how cool LARD is and why everyone should eat more LARD. I shit you not.

[Mare]

The key question is: how are your eyebrows doing? That is always my main worry when away from home. If untended, they take over my face, like mangrove roots. I suspect from past posts, yours have a similar tendency.

[Mollie]

Found a way to work in the sex thing, didn't you? "Hi, I'm Julia, and I'm getting way more than you." Bitch.

I'm very sorry about the various parts of you that are hurting. Here's hoping your heart stays off the list, and the potato chips are not the only thing you "acquire" on your trip.

[Mollie]

Found a way to work in the sex thing, didn't you? "Hi, I'm Julia, and I'm getting way more than you." Bitch.

I'm very sorry about the various parts of you that are hurting. Here's hoping your heart stays off the list, and the potato chips are not the only thing you "acquire" on your trip.

[Lauren]

Have I told you lately how much I love you? Ripped lip and all?
And why is it that you live in Minnesota when all the good stuff seems to be East of there?

[Annie]

You know what's better than Utz potato chips? Utz cheese curls, which rival DanDee cheese curls in melting-in-mouth-ness and lack of nutritional value (due to the fact that they are glorious, deviously glorious artificial-cheese covered extruded and puffed corn...sorry. I've collected myself now).

But you might be able to find DanDee in Minnesota.

[Lioness]

Fingers crossed and yes, entourage. Our gypsies always show up in hospitals followed and sometimes preceded by at least 3 generations. Why should you be any less? Point them in the bruisers' general direction and let them loose, make sure they all wail really loud, it's v entertaining and annoys the medical staff no end.

[Day]

Shin splints? Girl, that's the Lupron in your system.

Making out with your husband? I hate you.

Those numbers? Dynamite.

[beaver girl]

You have an IVF posse. That's hot.

[Crystal]

Dear Julia,

Since I am doing so wonderfully at losing weight, why don't I send some your way? Maybe it will depart my body even faster if it actually has someplace to go.

Sending you vibes for, oh what, let's not be greedy, 10 FISH certified perfect embies (or whatever testit thingy they're doing to those little buggers). May this be the retrival to end all retrievals, so that you may have an entire Brady Bunch without ever having to go through this insane process again.

How does that strike you?

Seriously. Good luck, ok?

[Sarah]

Utz bar-b-que chips are SO GOOD! I went to college in Baltimore, and was utterly amazed at the importance of lard to good potato chips.

I had no idea that tape could cause so much damage. I once dropped a book on my face (I fell asleep wiht it hovering above my face on a pillow, neck issues) and got a split lip which made me look like I'd been a wee bar fight.

Sarah

[Summer]

When my brother's fattest, most obnoxious friend left Maryland to attend Harvard, he whined so loudly for Utz chips that his mother regularly FEDEXED him boxes of them. I cannot imagine FedExing something that still has an orange "Special! 99 cents!" sticker on it, but considering how annoying the boy was when he was happy, he must have been an unstoppable force of nature when denied his favorite snack.

Thinking good thoughts about tomorrow. Give me a call and let me know how it goes, 'kay?

[CJ]

Surely, twenty-five support people on an event like this is better luck than going by yourselves, right? Just have them sitting outside your room "thinking happy thoughts" so you can just concentrate on not screaming obscenities throughout the whole thing.

[phillybeth]

I live in Utz country and would be happy to send you some once you are back home. And if you think the BBQ ones are good, try the Grandma Utz in the brown bag. Heaven!

[Danae]

Listen up, bitch: Never, ever tell a group of angry, chubby, follistim-bloated women that you're eating chips and can't seem to pinch any belly fat for your next shot because you've, um, LOST weight. Do you understand me?! Huh?

Heh, Shin splints. Serves you right.

Oh yeah, and good luck on Sunday!

[Nina]

Utz Kettle Classic Sweet Potato Chips---they're sweet and salty and like little slices of deepfried crunchy heaven. Moving to Baltimore was worth it just for the chips.

[jte]

Julia -- long time lurker, but I truly believe that my best fried was hosting a 3rd date at the 4Ps last night (she's the godmother to my Patrick) -- so if you were *that* obvious I am assured I'll get the scoop tomorrow. Best of luck -- I feel sure that the .10 update will give happy news.

[Kirrily]

What!? No email! AROOOO *howls to the sky*. Well, there's one from me impatiently awaiting your return. I have absolutely no idea what Utz crisps would look or taste like, but who's not up for potato, lard and salt-laden treats?

Everything crossed for you down here in the Southern Hemisphere - uh, that'd be Melbourne, Aust. *wink*
GO-GO, GOOGY EGGS!!

[Sheridan]

Have just caught up on all your news (been on the standard Aussie January summer holiday).

Your numbers sound brilliant. And you have definitely found the most delightful acupuncturist ever. And you are still making out with your husband just before an egg retrieval? Whoa...the luck's all on your side.

Good on you - I'm thrilled and can't wait to hear how you go.

[Sandy]

This post makes me want to move to Washington. Where else can you get chips, rips, splints, needles of all kinds and public displays of affection all at once? Take that entourage with you tomorrow. You've earned it!

[Rachel]

I used to work and live in the DC area. My 15 year old brother came out to visit and fell completely in love with UTZ salt and vinegar chips. My boss was from the home of UTZ, so she had a case shipped to him in Minnesota, so there's always that possibility!

Good luck with the IVF...good chips can't hurt!

[terri c]

There, there. Where, where? Here, here!! (Wasn't that on an old Firesign Theater album?? Maybe it was reversed, with Here Here first.) Best luck.

[cursingmama]

There, there...all better
There is a decent Chinese take-out restaurant (or two) in the Twin Cities - I happen to live by one; and could point you in the direction of several other asian restaurants if interested (and not all of them are in frog town).
And - in weather related news, it snowed this morning and we're expecting a warm week so it should all melt by wed.

[Scully]

Somone had to say it:

"Fuck you, Julia". I'm killing myself working out 1 to 2 hours a day to look good in the very expensive red, strapless cocktail dress I bought for a wedding in April.

Also, thanks for working in the sex. Because EVERYBODY else in the world, including goats, are getting more than me. Mind you, if Clinton had blown those goats, he would have maintained he hadn't had sexual relations with it.

Miss you.

[sandi]

If you cannot make out at the 4P's, and feel comfy doing it, I could always sugest a few other bars (even a few Irish ones!) in the area that you may want to go to!
Hey, if you cannot make out in a bar with your husband - who can you?! But then again...i am sure that there would have been a few guys there that would have been more than willing to take his place...