Riddle Me This

So here's a riddle for you: do I look like I would kidnap an elderly couple?

What if I had Patrick in the back seat and an LL Bean tote bag full of library books next to me? What do you think? Scary?

BOO! BOO-ooooo-oooooooo!

After speech therapy (which is going extremely well, I'll have to tell you about it) Patrick and I went to the library. The library where Patrick, my sweet Patrick whose habit it was to hand each book up for checkout while saying, "I'm helping mommy", lost his wee mind today. One second he was listening to me firmly counsel, "People are working so we have to be very quiet and you need to stay with me" and the next he was sprinting through the non-fiction stacks shrieking "People are working! People are working! People are working!" When I finally caught up with him he proceeded to go completely limp on the floor. After negotiating a surrender and accepting parole in exchange for good behavior, he then had the cajones to immediately slip from my grasp like an oiled carp and book full tilt through Periodicals yelling, "I mean it! People are working! No Patrick no!" while I raced after him.

Note to the dour man who glared at me and hissed, Shhhhhhhhhhh: Yeah. Gotcha. OK. I'm WORKING on it. I was running as fast as I could. He is two, after all, and if you are so fucking important why are you reading Car and Driver at 12:10 on a Tuesday afternoon? 3M Conference rooms full up so you decided to bring the Board to the public library for the quarterly review?

Still, I appreciate that the library should be a quiet place and I physically removed the boy as soon as I was able. I almost didn't even pick up my books, but decided that I had suffered enough already.

Regrettably, Patrick did not agree this assessment of my suffering and when I bent over for a drink at the water fountain (did you know they call them 'bubblers' in Wisconsin? Bubblers!) the child whacked me on the back of the head with such precise timing that you would have thought he had been in junior high for years. If you don't remember that peculiar form of adolescent torture what happens is someone pushes your head forward just as you try to take a drink and the end result is that you wind up soaked from, like, the eyebrows down. As I did today.

So I was wet and annoyed and I had to bodily carry a kicking Patrick plus my purse and the book bag and it was cold out and the ground was half snow-half slush and I needed lunch.

As we left I noticed an elderly couple trudging through the parking lot and peering around and I heard the woman say, "I am CERTAIN we parked close to the end here." And I decided that they had misplaced their car and I hauled Patrick into his car seat and accidentally let Bear fall into the blackened snow ("Bear is really really dirty," Patrick complained all the way home.) Then I pushed some damp hair out of my face and started for home.

Just before I left, though, I saw that the couple was still just drifting around the parking lot and I realized that I couldn't drive away without seeing if they needed help. So I slammed on the brakes and made a U-turn and drove up and down the aisles until I caught up with them.

I rolled down the window and asked the man, "Can I help you find your car?"

He asked if the library had another parking lot and I told him it did, on the other side of the building. If they liked I would be happy to drive them over there or I could drive them around this side just to be sure they hadn't missed it somehow. What he was going to say we will never know but his wife finally inched close enough for me to repeat my offer to her.

She said, "No."

She said, "Oh no. No No."

"Definitely not."

Then, pulling at her husband's coat sleeve, she said, "Come along," and left.

When I came home I asked Steve what I just asked you, "Do I look like I would kidnap an elderly couple?"

Steve looked at me and said, "Oh, you mean the whole Uncle Fester thing you've got going on?"

Wha-?

My cursed water-proof mascara had MELTED in the water fountain deluge. I looked like a lesser panda.

Thank god you guys came through for me today and we can only hope there will be no further mascara-related misunderstandings in my future. I cannot help but berate myself though. If only I had asked about eye makeup sooner perhaps that poor couple wouldn't STILL be wandering in circles in the snow.   

Strange, but true.         

And I was really just acting out of the goodness of my heart and virtue is its own reward and please! hero? no no honestly just an average citizen trying to do her small part, but don't you think she could have slipped a "thank you" in with all those no's?

Comments

[JenniF]

Oh God Julia, that is so funny! I was reading along thinking "what does she mean kidnap?" and then when I got to what Steve said I burst out laughing and can't stop! I just kepp picturing you asking them for help and them seeing you with the mascara smeared all over your face.

Maybe I should stop now before you think I'm insulting your looks when I'm actually complimenting your writing.

Good luck with your IVF, I'm crossing everything for you!

[Ninotchka]

A HA HA HA...she probably thought you were some kind of crack addict, what with the racoon eyes, wet face and a kid with a filthy teddy bear. TOO FUNNY.

[wix]

lesser panda! HA!

and i'm half gleefully anticipating, half dreading the age when CX could run screaming, "PEOPLE ARE WORKING! NO COLLIN NO!" through the library.

ah, all that i have to look forward to (and i mean that sincerely). i understand why you'd want to do this twice. it's too much fun to do once and never again.

[Ruth]

Oh, major hee. I've chased my own two year old through the stacks, and can so relate.

In our house, that falling-on-the-ground is called the Toddler Flop of Resistance, and it's my son's favorite form of civil disobedience.

[Mollie]

Nico doesn't flop, he KICKS. HARD. Yow.

I can just see that lady saying "No, no, no" to you. With that kind of pinched, worried, calm-yet-paranoid MN thing going on. And hell yeah, she should have said "thank you," even if you were about to kidnap them.

Reminds me of when my boyfriend's Oma offered me some lebküchen that was decidedly hard on the teeth. I had one, and smiled politely while my molars turned to powder, but when she handed me the tin again, I said, "nein, bitte." She corrected me. "You mean, 'nein, danke.'"

No, PLEASE, no, no, no! No lebküchen. Or kidnapping. I'll pass on both.

[elissa]

We call them bubblers in Australia too. Bubbler, bubbler, bubbler, bubbler, slippery dip. I love the English language.

[Karen]

Dear Lord, what a bad day. Still, it would've been poetic if Patrick had the snap to throw his dirty bear at them as you drove off.

[The Barrenness]

The head butt to the back is a good one. When I worked at a pre-school. A fingerpainting kid came up and gave me a big bear hug. I ran errands all over town after work. And I had multi-colored handprints on my hips and ass.

[Catherine]

Hey Julia! I HAVE been following along with your blog,just quietly.I managed to catch Pertussis this fall.Now that you've been to the library,there is a book I've been meaning to recommend to you;Some Wildflower in my Heart by Jamie Langston Turner.Thoughts & prayers with you as you journey to DC.Hugs,Catherine

[Joan]

"Uncle Fester"....bwahhh haaa haa! That is so funny, I can't stop laughing. Thanks for making me smile this early in the day.

Joan

[Kaela]

Ah, bubbler. My Wisconsinite fiance has been here in MN for several years and I don't think he'll ever give up the bubbler thing no matter how much I mock him for it. I think we'll be able to resolve the pop/soda thing (which as you must know is the ultimate struggle) before "bubbler" goes away.

[Alicia]

Julia, you truly make me laugh! What a day, you poor thing. I really hope you find a good mascara lol.

Note to Barronness: OMG I laughed my ass off reading your post to J.! I could picture what you must have looked like and totally laughed out loud. At least everyone in public knew you were loved by a child. :-D

[cursingmama]

Wiping coffee off my monitor for the second time today....

[CatherineH]

As a new Wisconsinite, I was surprised to learn about "bubbler" too. I thought it was a Rhode Island/Boston thing.

Also: It's a parking GARAGE, not a parking "ramp." And my kid's rear end is a "bottom" or a "bum," not a "hinder" or a "bumper." I don't know what these people are talking about.

[Jen]

It sounds like Patrick's speech has improved tremendously! I don't recall you quoting him this much.

[rachel]

Thank you for causing me to laugh loudly in front of a group of 7th graders. oops. :)
My kids were running through the library the other day too, it was mortifying. and they are older than 2 and have no excuse, other than being annoying and overtired.
I grew up calling them bubblers in Massachusetts - never knew there was another state that did that!

[Scully]

See!!!! If you had just gone out and gotten your eyelashes tinted yesterday instead of wasting your time responding via email to my comment (which I loved by the way), then your likeness wouldn't currently be circulating throughout the federal law enforcement community.

You are a funny, funny woman.

[Menita]

This is hilarious - loved the running around screaming "people are working" and the runny mascara - and the rest of it, but those two made my cry with laughter.

[jenB]

ha! lovely story, nicely told. maybe you matched a description of a scary blue haired kipnapper in the area?

[melissaS]

They thought, 'She already kidnapped a small child.......we won't be next!'

Thank God you got new mascara, now you'll be able to drive the blue hairs all over town.

[Muppet]

First: I'm new to your site, and I LOVE it.

Second, re: the library: I used to work with a summer program for "underprivileged" kids in our town, and once a week we took the kids to the library. We took them straight upstairs to the children's room and then right back down and out the door. No muss, no fuss.

At least, that was the plan. One week a little boy named Michael broke free from the pack as we were exiting the elevator on our way out of the library. He took off running, and I ended up chasing him through the stacks as he screamed and giggled and people gave ME dirty looks, like it was MY fault that he was even IN the adult section in the first place. I finally caught up with Michael and brought him to a halt with a hand on his shoulder. And do you know what he did next? He BIT ME! And took off screaming and giggling again.

Little kids + libraries = a sticky combination.

[Monica C.]

Bear was probably sending them telepathic messages like, "No, don't go with her, she's crazy! The bitch dropped me in the snow! Don't do it! And look at her mascara, don't do it!"

OK, seriously, would you mind e-mailing me (tika98@yahoo.com) to let me know how speech therapy is going? Sierra is having as assessment done tomorrow evening. I'm excited, but also nervous and also I don't know what else. So, I'd love to hear a positive/success story!

[ladybug]

HILARIOUS. My babe is only 6 months, but I can already see it now ...