This Started As Q&A But It Escaped Me

But first a few questions from the ol' email bag:

Why are you a Fertility/Adoption finalist? Um, I got this question (in different forms) no fewer than eight times today. I think these people came over from the blog awards page and couldn't figure out what my problem is. I mean, the problem with my girl bits (if any). I don't think they were asking why ME and not Julie from a little pregnant although that is a DAMN FINE QUESTION. I interpreted this more as a request for my stirrup cred, which is understandable. The Clif version is: my husband has a balanced translocation of chromosomes which causes horrible abnormalities in embryos that in turn has led to six miscarriages and one second-trimester abortion, all of which have led to an unpleasant few years. We do have a son, though, and we are terribly terribly greedy so we are trying to have another one (child that is, sex optional. I mean, the future child's sex is strictly optional although I suppose the hot and nasty sex is optional, too, because we are starting an IVF cycle on Sunday.) In all fairness I probably talk about laundry as often if not more often than I discuss sperm but in the absence of a Housewife Blog category (which I would DOMINATE) I tend to get the honor of being grouped with the smartest, funniest, edgiest women on the Internet. I bow.

Do you have control issues? Yes. Of course. What tipped you off? My pathological need to have EVERYTHING organized or the fact that I brag about it as if I am unaware that being pathological is a bad thing?

When are you actually starting your IVF cycle? Sunday! Pay attention! Actually, Steve asked this question too, tonight. He wanted to know when we are supposed to start injections and then he wanted to know when in the day they had to be done and then he worried about Patrick seeing him give me shots. This is more forethought than Steve has shown since I met him, so I was touched. And yes, I know it is pathetic that I was touched that Steve remembered, sort of, that I am going to start putting big needles full of unkind drugs into my soft parts this weekend. Steve, as you may recall, has some "limitations" when it comes to "compassion" for my "suffering" during this "difficult time."

Aren't you ashamed of yourself for perpetuating an outdated stereotype of marriage and motherhood in which the female partner's role is akin to that of domestic servitude? Actually, the real email said something like, "Bitch, you need to get a J-O-B" and was in response to my great big food post. I was amused. What? Organizing my pantry isn't a job?

Actually, let's talk about this one, shall we?

If I tell you I do not like sushi and I particularly do not like uni, would you get offended and start arguing with me? Would you try to tell me that, in fact, that vile orange glop is NOT the consistency of regurgitated baby tongue? Well, maybe if you are an assholio, but for the most part people accept that sort of thing as personal preference.

There are a few givens in every domestic economy. Money (or I suppose some product that can be bartered, but let's keep this simple shall we?) needs to be earned; food needs to be provided; and clothes and toilets need to be cleansed with a regularity that is acceptable to all parties. You can add a zillion things to this list, but it all roughly breaks down into cash and services. If you are alone, you do it all or you pay someone to help you. If you are in a partnership, then you do it or your partner does it or you pay someone. It is that simple and, really, all that matters is that everyone involved is in agreement over how the work gets divided.

I know someone for whom this has been an issue since their first date. He met a woman who was vehemently opposed to the roles that women have traditionally assumed in the home. She found the idea of cleaning a bathroom sexist and offensive. So she worked in an office and he worked in an office and they paid someone to take care of the housework. They divided food preparation equally or ate out. And this was fine until she quit her job, but still felt that taking care of the house was not her responsibility. So this friend of mine would get up early and go out to earn the money that supported their comfortable life, part of which includes paying the salary of a cleaning person. Inevitably, he began to feel like he was being taken advantage of because he felt he was contributing more than she was. And this argument is still being played out, almost daily. I don't think he is really saying, "Woman! Get in the kitchen and make me a pie!" so much as he is saying, "I am doing X here and you are doing x-1."

For what it is worth, I do not think this argument will be resolved for them anytime soon, but I will keep you posted. 

In our house I am responsible for everything related to food. I also do the laundry and put it away. I clean the bathrooms and the kitchen and the floors. I pick up toys CONSTANTLY. I handle the social obligations, including buying gifts, writing thank you notes and making sure that Patrick leaves the occasional adorable but incomprehensible voicemail for Steve's parents. I call his sisters when it has been too long since we have heard from them. I pay our personal bills and do the bookkeeping for Steve's business (his partner handles the billing, so my part is just tracking our share of expenses and profits.) I deal with our accountant and banker and broker and planner and I make the decisions concerning the portfolios. I run the Target errands and the clothes shopping errands and the post office errands and the Patrick appointment errands.    

Steve gets up with Patrick every morning and feeds him breakfast. Anywhere between 8 and 9 they wake me up, usually with a cup of tea. I then have Patrick until 5 or 6 when Steve comes out of his office for dinner. After dinner Steve gives Patrick a bath, plays with him for an hour or so and then puts him to bed.   

Steve, obviously, also earns the money that pays the bills and does car stuff and yard stuff and home improvement stuff.

We then pay someone who works anywhere from 10 to 30 hours a week doing random big things around the house and yard.

So that is our distribution of labor and it makes us shimmy. Does it follow some bold 1950s pattern? Yep, pretty much. Was it derived from that pattern? Hell no. We have just gravitated towards the tasks that best suit us.

I went off on a tangent, but I really wanted to ask you how your house is run and whether you think it is equitable or if you fight about it. The only time Steve and I fight over housework is when company is expected and I say, "I need help doing such-and-such." Inevitably, Steve will choose this moment to start some MASSIVE home improvement project that involves tearing down a wall or digging up the front walk. And when I say, "Fuck, Steve, how hard is it to just make the goddamned guest bed?" he says, "Well, you know I have been meaning to re-trench the septic system for some time..." And I am obligated to stab him with a fork, which leaves me with another fork to clean.

So long answer, but no, I do not feel bad about my blatant housewifery. In fact, it makes me giggle. Of course, in ten years I am blowing this popsicle stand and going on a book tour, just watch me.

Is it different for you?   

Comments

[Jaine]

Your humorous eloquence is just, just, I'm beyond words but will say captivating...and I'm envious you have this outlet/major gift. (too many of you...it sharpens the pain in my nether regions.)

I, too, am at home (at least for now but wasn't for 8 fekking years *take that you troll* and unfortuantely sans children but with two majorly shedding, salvating/slobbering Canine Children!?!) but gladly do ALL the domestic shit as my beloved breaks his back on a "street" that's notorious. Nonetheless, why would we pay someone while I'm sitting here crying and barren (and eating bon-bons on the couch while watching some cheesey soap opera...'cause you know that's ALL we do...) Nevermind. I can do it. It's my share. My contribution and like (wanna-be valley girl) I'd rather give hard-earned money to my Doctors instead...
I, like you, take pride in my home and what I do in it. Has anyone ever heard of relationships, let alone marriage? Loving compromise? Am I crazy? No.

[wix]

our situation is roughly the opposite. i go to my office, mr. wixlet stays home with the baby, and when i'm off he also works part-time so that we can make ends meet as often as possible. it's not ideal, but it works for us right now. we play poverty off as a bohemian lifestyle choice, too, so the "role reversal" thing helps us keep up appearances.

[Judy]

In my opinion the sole job of a None-Wage-Earning-Domestic-Partner is to keep the Wage-Earner happy. Now, that might involve cooking and cleaning, but then again it might not.

I too am a housewife. When I left my high paying job with the Devil's Minions I fired our housekeeper - a move I deeply regret (firing the housekeeper not leaving the Devil's Minions). She was much better at housework then I am. How she ever got it all done in 4 hours boggles my mind.

I think the best part about being a housewife is that it drives both my mother and my in-laws crazy! That, and both my husband and I are much happier not having both parties work 60+ hours/week (that sucked). I can't very well articulate what I do with all my time, but I can say that I spend my husband's earnings much better then he ever did.

[Jo]

I was just asking my mother how a girl raised in a radical feminist household, a communal household, generally made up exclusively of women, generally dykes (except my mother) managed to turn into a 50s house wife. Our division of labour is almost identical to yours. He gets up first and does breakfast, I do the day shift which includes all childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, dishes (by hand), zoo trips, banking, etc. I do the accounts for his business. He is Daddy on duty the second he walks in the door at night (play, dinner, bath) we do stories and bedtime together. He earns all the money, does the car, yard, handyman stuff. We are far happier than ever we were when both working stupid hours and paying other people to do the housework for us.

I do have to say though that if he EXPECTED me to do anything other than parenting I would probably refuse to on principle. I have issues around being expected to be a good housewife.... I think we both understand that as a stay at home parent my job is to PARENT, the rest is optional. If all I can manage on a bad day is making sure no-one dies well the dishes stay in the sink, the laundry piles up and we eat out. On the other hand I think teaching a child how to cook, clean, etc is part of teaching them how to live well and so it is part of parenting - but so is knowing when to give yourself a break.... you did ask.

[Christine]

Steve does yardwork?!?
Is he for rent?

[KT]

I do the house-wife thing, too. And I don't think my sole job is to make my husband happy, either. I think my *job* is to make *us* happy. As a couple. As a unit with child. My job, and his job is to make *us* happy and make sure we get all the bills paid.

But I'm also the housewife because I am a very, very sick person (as in ill, not as in mental, although I am that as well) and working in corporate America is as good as a death sentence for me. Even before we had a baby, my doctor's advice was "quit working, if you can. Or work from home." My lungs are weak and my immunity system is weak and every time I caught a cold, I ended up in the ER with a tube shoved into my chest. I've now been out of the workforce for almost five years and I've only been to the ER once in that time. (well, for my lungs. my car accident was entirely unrelated.)

Is my house clean? As clean as it gets with a toddler running around pulling everything behind her in a huge mess-cloud. Are the bills paid? Yes, thank god. Are we happy? Well, most of the time, but I don't think my working would make us any happier.

[Sandy]

I'm on vacation from my job this week, and have decided that I could be at home full time in a heartbeat! I love that you so eloquently described in detail your J-O-B to the lovely person who sent you the question by email, and managed to teach a lesson or two about relationship R-E-S-P-E-C-T at the same time!

[Lisa]

Yep, that's exactly how it is around here. Well, except for the fact that J (my boyfriend/partner/S.O.) doesn't come out of Steve's office at the end of the day. That would be kinda weird. Anyway, he does the "day at the office" thing and I do the "stay at home with the kids" thing. It's so very 1950's/oppressed female, isn't it? And I love it. You know, the way I see it, I've definetely got the better end of the deal. Sure, cleaning toilets and fishing knots of hair out of the bathtub drain isn't glamorous but J gets the "special" perk of being main breadwinner of the house. Eeeewwwwww. Talk about pressure. If I fail at my "job" the dishes are streaked or the floor has crumbs on it but at least we have a roof over our heads. If, by some horrible luck, J loses his job, well, that's bad. So, yeah, I'll spend my day with the Tidy Bowl Man and welcome J with open arms when he comes home at night. This arrangement suits us fine.

[Soper]

Ahem (Clears throat)

I agree with everything you said, except the part about the bathroom. I walked away from my career as a trial lawyer so my husband could do his residency at the program he wanted to. I have no regrets, but I believe, in my heart, that the idea women should "enjoy" housework is rooted in a post-WWII attempt to keep women out of the workforce. Pre-WWII middle class women aspired to have maids -- then they went into the work force and were booted out when the men got back. So the myth of the 1950's housewife whose "job" was her home was born.

I run the house, I run D's career, I network, I do all of the things that our partnership require of me. For the most part, I love what I do, I love channeling all my excess maternal energy into running our lives. But, like all jobs, there are parts I hate.

For me, there is a special place in hell occupied by toilets and that gunk around the tub.

The day I get a maid will be the happiest day of my life.

I won't have time to eat the bonbons with all the other crap I do, but I am sure I'll kiss the maid on my way out the door....

[Galloping Cat]

(I'm not really new here, I just changed my name.)

I was just thinking of writing a post on this topic myself, having just had two weeks off of a work during which I took long walks while listening to audio books, read paper books, watched TV, visited friends and nephews, and redesigned (and renamed) my blog.

My conclusion? I could be very happy not working. But I'm a terrible cook, I'm not good at cleaning, I hate both and I haven't even managed to produce a kid yet. So unless we win the lottery and both become stay-at-home lazy bones and hire someone to do all the dirty work, I will always need to have the kind of job where money is earned!

How we do distribute that stuff: We have a cleaning person every other week for scrubbing toilets, etc. In general, I'm the "strategist" (e.g., pay the bills and manage all financial planning, plan when an where for vacations, purchase one of those nifty programmable thermostats that turns the heat up half an hour before we wake up) and my husband is more about the execution (cleaning the litter box and killing spiders, figuring out what to do and how to get around when we arrive at vacation destinations, and installing said thermostat).

[Scully]

All I've ever wanted to do was be the person who worked in the home. I hate going to work at an outside job every day. I always have. It's a challenge for me and it's never been easy.

But I have only me to support me and unless I decide to start dating again, I am going out to work every day. Hence why I'm hoping my novel will get published and I can work from home.

I have no opinion either way - work at home - work outside the home - be the home person - be the outside home person. As long as people are happy then do what makes you happy.

[Kerry]

We both work (no kids yet, that's a comment for another day) in an office during the day and I am the majority earner, but not by a whole bunch. I also teach an evening class one semester a year so during that semester we distribute like this:

I do:
majority of house cleaning (bathrooms, kitchens, floors, dusting, etc)
bills

he does:
laundry
shovelling
car stuff
vacuuming/dusting in his den

we share:
cooking
grocery shopping

When I'm not teaching we trade off on laundry as well, because I'm free on Sundays instead of grading papers. As it turns out, my teaching cycle falls in neatly with the NFL football season, so he doesn't complain because the TV room is adjacent to the laundry room. He can sit on the couch all day Sunday, get up once an hour to change the alundry over, then lord it over me "but I did LAUNDRY today!"

[Libby]

Very interesting post Julia.

In our house things are divided this way: I cook, clean and do laundry and take care of all Sofia's needs: feeding, bathing, dressing, playing, etc. Husband does yard work, car stuff, pays all the bills (and has a very organized system for that I should mention, you would be proud), plays with Sofia, etc. The catch? We both work full time outside of the home. It is incredibly tiring! I don't like being a working mother I have to confess. Maybe if I could work from home, it would be different but going out to work everyday and still having to do all the housework/cooking, and missing out on all the time I could spend with my child? it sucks big time.

Before we had Sofia my husbad used to help more with the house work it seems, and there was much less of it as we lived in an apartment then. I really don't know what happened but little by little I started doing more and more to the point that I felt I was doing everything and still working full time, and I very much resented this. Also he started being a less hands on father, only doing the playing part. Obviously I also resented this. So I started getting pissed, talked to him about it and things are definatly better now and he is helping more, but is still a drag. I really would like to have a maid, but I can't afford both a maid and childcare for Sofia.

I see absoulutely no problem about how things are divided in your house. As a matter of fact I am mighty jealous, I wish I could be a housewife. That sounds so weird coming out of my mouth because I used to be totally against that, I mean I was raised by a divorced carreer woman and that is all I ever knew. But there is something so special (for me at least) in being a full time mother, parenting is a job, I would kill to be able to spend more time with Sofia. And domesticity, well I think it is cool if you like most of what you do. I don't like cleaning bathrooms either but, I like cooking and having everything in order, so that would not be so bad. Besides, who likes everything about their job?

[Nannergrrl]

Husband is an HR executive. I am an admin going for my MBA part-time. He works 10-11 days, I work 8. We divide up our time according to the day of the week, and not specific chores. Though in 8.5 years of marriage, he has cleaned a bathroom just once.

So, during the week, the 2+ hours when he is slaving away, I will do homework and prep dinner. He takes care of the dogs, I take care of the cats. After dinner he unloads the dishwasher while I clean up and load (this is MY issue, he can put dishes away, but cannot fathom spatial issues within the dishwasher, nor in box or trunk packing). I mostly do interior housework, he takes care of the exterior, though we switch back and forth for inexplicable reasons every now and then. He cooks big Sunday meals and vacuums every other week.

At a time in our lives when I was a StayAtHome wife, I was in Heaven. I did everything around the house and loved it to. My husband retires in 12 years and it's my goal to retire early, right along with him as it will save the marriage lots of bitterness and jealousy.

[mellie]

We both work in my household, which may change if we ever do manage to get pregnant AND have a baby, but for now, and probably for always, we split the work and the housework and bill paying etc. Turns out that our complete opposite-ness extends to our motivation to get things done--when I have zero interest in cleaning, he'll do it, when he has zero interest, I'll do it. We do have someone come in and do the toilets every now and again to mix it up.

[manogirl]

We don't have kids, and we're not married, so is it bad that we're already arguing about this stuff? S goes to work every day and brings home money that isn't nearly enough to support the both of us. I'm a full-time student earning a library certificate (on to the Masters next, I suppose) with a heavy homework schedule. We're both out of the house a lot; I suppose I'm in it more. Right now, he doesn't really clean unless I make him. Which I do every Sunday. But then, he'll clean anything that I really want him to. He does the whole bathroom, does the trash whenever it needs to be done, and helps with the laundry. The kitchen is entirely my domain except for after a meal, when often he will do the primary cleaning up. He also cooks quite a bit; and if I don't want to, and he doesn't want to, he'll buy dinner.
We have a fairly equitable arrangement, as far as it goes. Except that I have to MAKE him clean. I chalk it up to living in a house for 20 years where he had to clean all the time. (Is it bad to say that I desperately want a cleaning woman?)

[Judy]

I've always thought I'd make a great housewife. I love to be domestic. Only problem is we have no kiddos so I really can't justify it!! I think it's great. Too many people are rushing through trying to get everything done themselves. It's good that you and Steve split things up like you do.

[ValleyGal]

When both DH and I were Slaves to the Man (working 12 hour minimum days), I did laundry and paid bills and hired a dog walker and a housekeeper. Then we looked at each other one day and said, "We actually pay someone to come walk our dog? What is wrong with us?"

So we both quit, left the big city, and now he works much smaller hours for A Decent Employer. The plan was for me to start producing heirs immediately and stay home. Almost two years later, I am still a Housewife-With-No-Kids. I do everything except earn money -- I cook, clean, pay bills, manage finances, handle appointments, light yardwork. The only thing he does is mow the front lawn (and only because he's really picky about how it looks and my haphazard cutting drives him crazy). And we're so much happier.

That's not to say that I became June Cleaver overnight. And I agree with Soper that in one ring of hell you must clean toilets and showers for the rest of eternity. But it gets done, more or less.

And even though heir-production is taking longer than expected (almost two years now), DH doesn't want me to go back to work full time because "isn't that why we left those really high paying jobs anyway?" Perhaps I shall return part-time, but not full time.

DH, however, has promised that if we should manange to have two children, I can pay someone to clean the toilets and showers. How sweet is he?

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

I hate it when people be all up in yo grill telling you what to do and how to act just because it doesn't agree with them. How dare someone rag on you on how you live your life. It's not like you're a mass murderer or a crank head. In that case they may have some obligation to tell you to stop it and get a jobby-job. Until then, fuck those dudes.

[Kim]

Frankly, I've always believed that there are as many ways to negotiate up household/moneymaking/caretaking arrangements as there are couples negotiating them. You both want to work? Fine. One of you wants to work the other one doesn't? Fine. One of you wants to work, the other wants to stay home, but the one who works really likes doing the windows? Fine. One of you wants to do all the cooking, provided the other does the dishes? Fine.

The only people who get to have a say in how a couple arranges these things is the couple themselves, and whatever they mutually agree on is the best option FOR THEM.

Harder to say than to follow through on, though, in many cases...

[Karen]

We are on a 3/4 plan. We both work about 30 hours/wk and kids are in preschool from 9-2:30. As it turns out, tho, hubby's 30 hours are in his solo law practice, and he doesn't "bill" 30 hours/wk. I work for the Government and have 20+ years in, so I'm the major breadwinner.

There's a nanny/housekeeper 8 hours/wk, thank GOD! We "divide" the dinner prep, except that means I do it 5x/wk and he does it twice, except when he gets the nanny to do it for him and then he only does it one other time.

Yardwork is done by hired help. Hubby talks a big game about projects but seldom starts them. Our marital contract requires that I start projects and he finishes them, sometimes. Or they just linger, undone, waiting for one of us to get our sh*t together.

Grandparents help some days, too.

I think you have a peachy deal and I envy your serenity.

[Jessica (in Seattle)]

Hey Julia,

Haven't posted in awhile, but still a faithful daily (or whatever) reader.

Our household operates much the same as yours. I do have a job 30 hrs a week (out of necessity, not desire), but our household chores breakdown similarly. I, however, do not get woken up with a cup of tea, nor do I always get out of the bedtime routine (although often I do get that hour or so to myself so no complaints). Oh, and we don't hire someone to work in the yard or around the house, but I think our house and property are probably about 1/10th the size of yours (or more).....although I would sure love that.

ANYWAY. Mostly I just wanted to come here and say that Mike & I have that same fucking argument when we are having guests or hosting something...I need a hand, and he begins sheetrocking or some similarly DESTRUCTIVE adn messy project. I feel your pain.

Best of luck for Sunday and forward. May Steve's compassion & thoughtfulness continue to flourish and grow...

jessica

[Abby]

My husband and I both work FT. I'm a nurse practitioner and he's a lawyer, but my hours are a little longer and I earn a little more than he does. (I know that's going to sound mixed up to people, but it's true. My husband does something called poverty law (supposed to describe the clients, not the lawyers). For you lawyers out there, he works for Legal Services).

He is responsible for: getting our daughter Kate up in the morning, making sure she gets dressed, etc, making her lunch and taking her to school; paying the bills; doing the laundry (then we all fold our own); anything to do with the car, like taking it for inspection; loading the dishwasher; most of the grocery shopping, cleaning the cat box; taking Kate to the dentist

I am responsible for: buying Kate's clothes (he bought her some boots once with 2 inch heels-she was 5. No more!) and ahircuts; arranging our social life, buying presents, etc; taking our daughter to dance class, programs at the zoo, concerts, the ballet, etc; I am the one who supervises Kate's homework. Occasionally I farm stuff out to him, especially spanish assignments (which he speaks and I don't)-she's in a dual language class; taking Kate to the doctor (if anything comes up he would have to call me anyhow to translate); unloading the dishwasher; most of the house cleaning and straightening up; feeding and pilling the cats.

We split: picking Kate up from her after school program; taking cats to the vet; cooking. We live in an apartment, so outside work isn't an issue. I'm sure I've missed things, but that's the general gist. After 15+ years things run pretty smoothly.

We also have some one who cleans our house every other week. I love coming home on those days!

[Pam]

So question.....is it bad NOT to want to stay at home with the kids?? I have 2 and I love their little ear lobes off, but I do not want to be at home with them 24/7. First, I am just not that creative, so I think they get much more in the way of creative, artsy-fartsy activity from their preschool. Second, when I AM at home, I always feel this nagging need to *do* something, like laundry, clean, cook, what have you so I in turn feel like the kids don't get enough attention. And lastly, I love my job! I am a librarian and I sincerely love it. It's not stressful and being a female-dominated profession is quite family-friendly, allowing lots of time off if needed for appointments, vacations, sick days, etc. So am I going to hell?

Regarding rude email, screw 'em. Isn't it nice in 2005 that women have the opportunity to *choose* to stay at home or not? Why do we as a gender insist on tearing each other's choices to bits? ^^SHRUG^^.

Enjoy your blog lots!

Pam mom to Jackson 5/26/00 and Ethan 8/29/02

[Martha]

I love reading your blog! Just had to say so.

As for our family arrangement, we're both lucky enough to work from home. Or, well, it's mostly lucky. There's more opportunity to get in each other's way. We have three children, 8,6 and 2. They've all stayed home the first year, and then we sent them off to daycare for a half day until they were old enough for the blessed public schools.

We have also gravitated toward some traditional roles-- I do all the cooking, for instance (I loved your recipe post!). If I didn't we would be living on hot dogs and poptarts. We both hate cleaning, but lucky for me I have a higher tolerance for mess than my husband, so the cleaning up is split pretty evenly. I take care of the kitchen, he does most of the tidying up in other parts of the house, we both grudgingly scrape out the toilet when absolutely necessary. And we have someone come in once a month to clean throroughly. We instituted this to save our marriage. If we could afford to have someone come in once a week, we would. Okay, I've just reread this, and we're not swimming in filth, honest. We just don't ENJOY the whole cleaning up thing.

We're very admiring of people who are actually able to conceive of projects, start them, and finish them. I think most of our energy is taken up with our young children, and I'm hoping as they get older we'll be able to get more done. But all in all, our setup works very well for us.

Martha

[Cass]

It seems to me - in a drastic oversimplification - that for a while the general expectation was that women were housewives (kids or no) and responsible for all the associated housework, errands, and social obligations. Then, second-wave feminism opened up the possibility (again, an oversimplification) that women would work outside the home. But it seems to me that the goal, really, is for families to be able to make the arrangements that best suit their needs and abilities. In the 50s, it was expected that most families lived off of a single breadwinner; it's harder now for a lot of people to live comfortably on a single income. When that's possible, and when that suits the particular family in question, I think that's great. My beef is with the mediocre family leave policies of most US employers (for both parents), the lack of safe, accessible, affordable childcare, the scarcity of flexible work arrangements, etc... I think families should have the resources to be able to make a choice about this. [Well, that turned into more of a rant than I had planned. Sorry!]

At the moment, J works full-time and I am in grad school and teaching, so working sorta full-time, but with a less defined schedule. I do most of the cooking - which I enjoy (though he makes his own mac and cheese) and much of the other kitchen work; I do all of the food shopping, though he cleans the pots sometimes. We both do laundry, though he does it more. He's better at cleaning the common spaces in preparation for guests - moving the clutter, getting rid of old papers, etc. I'm better at the details - making sure it's actually clean, that the corners are swept, etc. We each take care of our own car. He does the lawn, though if we ever get our back yard cleared out, I'll be the weekend gardener. In my fantasy world (I'm working to make it a reality) we hire someone once a month to really CLEAN the house - bathrooms, kitchens, floors...

If we ever manage to get pregnant (or WHEN we get pregnant, if I'm practicing my positive thinking) the plan is for me to be home with said progeny, but probably working from home in some part-time capacity - either finishing up my grad school writing, or doing some kind of consulting or writing post-school.

[Amanda]

I'm a stay-at-home wife, as I like to call it. Of course, this started out as an attempt to become a SAHM, but that hasn't happened yet. For the past several months I've been a SAHIVFPT (stay at home IVF patient). I couldn't imagine going through this crap while working full time. My husband is an attorney and works long hours. I do all of the house stuff, money stuff, etc. This arrangement works well for us. Yes, it's very 50's, but I've wanted to be a SAHM for a long time. Now we just need the kid. I have a college degree, and did work while my hubby was in law school, but this is what's best for us for the time being.

Oh, and on a side note, I think we'll be cycling at about the same time. I start Lupron injections on Tuesday for attempt #3. Good luck with your cycle!

[Her Ladyship]

Just wanted to wish you a happy DeLurking Day. I haven't commented in the past because, well, let's be honest, I'm just not that quick-witted. But I wanted to tell you I do love your site and writing and am hoping that all goes well with the visit to Shady Grove (for what it's worth, DC has been undergoing quite a warm spell lately).

[Ashley]

I have to say that I totally agree with JO's second paragraph.

Maybe if I loved to cook and clean, I would use my (child)free time for that, but I love other things (art, reading)more, so it's always a challenge. If I devote the majority of my time to my child, and then spend a lot of time doing housework, I start to feel a little resentful, and begin to wonder where the me-time is. You sound like you have it all down to an art, but you're definitely more organized than me. Damn, maybe that should have been a new year resolution...organization. Just kidding, I make that resolution every year. I have to say that I applaud your enthusiasm and energy. I wish I had it.

[Emily]

I'm a Martha wannabe and proud of it, so sue me. I love being a housewife. My husband and I have worked very, very hard to enable me to stay home and raise a family and still continue a comfortable lifestyle. Unfortunately, what wasn't budgeted was the tens of thousands of dollars necessary for fertility treatments. Because of that serious damper in our savings, I went back to work. Besides the babymaking mission was going nowhere and staying home all day crying with a limited budget to spend on Ebay wasn't helping. Now, I have a good job, don't love it, but it's a good job and we have more financial freedom. If a baby every shows up, I will quit working.

I have a friend who gets her panties in a snit at the thought that I love being so 'domestic'. She finds it patently insulting and I constantly remind her that it is my choice. My husband is not one to relish cleaning and I do most of it and you surely don't want him in the kitchen, so I do most of the cooking, but he gives to me in other ways and it balances out. I may be cleaning a toilet or two, but in return, he does all the big projects I don't want to do (like mowing) and most importantly, emotional support. Some things you can't put a price on.

Besides, for the commentor who told you to get a JOB, like it's anyone's business. Hrmph.

[melissaS]

Soper, it's not that i enjoy cleaning my bathroom or take pride in it or derive some womanly pleasure out of all the chores and things I do as a stay at home mother/wife. Its' that it's part of my job, the job my husband and i have negotiated within our partnership.

No one likes every part of their job.

My final thought.

My husband does everything and I change the litter box and I think that's totally fair. (that's not at all true, I just enjoy LYING for comic effect.)

[dish]

We both work outside of the home and actually commute together, so we pretty much split the workload. My hubby does all of the bathroom cleaning and garbage taking out and I do the laundry and dishwasher stuff (I, too, have better spatial skills and know full well that stacking plates equals not clean plates). The rest is divided based on who has the crazier schedule that week. Not sure how we'll be splitting things when the bambino pops out this summer. Should be interesting.

[Reba]

Married with no kids, hubby earns a lot more than I do. Around the house we came up with this agreement: I do wet and he does dry. That means I do cooking, gorceries, dishes, laundry, tub, toilets, sinks, floors. He does making beds, folding laundry, vacuuming and dusting. It works out PERFECTLY since I am incredibly anal about the way my home is cleaned and laundry washed. The only thing I let slide is dust. I can easily let hairballs and inches of dust accumulate around the living room yet if hubby washes the dishes I have to redo them. Now....granted we live apart 3/4 of the year so finances are mostly seperate and we get to have our own little quirks most of the time. When he moves to my city full time in a few months things might get damn scary.

[Bethany]

I really don't understand how people get off saying horrible things like that. I thought a relationship was about give and take and talking about what you prefer to do, etc. I never once thought you were perpetuating ANY stereotypes - I mean, come one, give me a break. I thought feminism was all about CHOICES, and supporting each other in those choices. My husband and I both work, albeit different schedules, so that our son only goes to "school" 3 days a week, and we each have our household preferences (for instance, I don't touch cat poop or garbage of any kind and he folds and puts away laundry with the best of them). We even trade off who gets up early with our son. We're a team. It's what works for you and your family. Oh, and neither of us cook (I bake, yes, but no cooking). In that way, I am jealous of you!

[Jenn (the one with Sam)]

Hey Julia,

I freelance two days a week from home, but other than that I am home with Sam. My job during the day is really to parent. That's what we decided when daycare wasn't working for us. So the only "housework" I do during the day is laundry and meal prep. Doug did all the heavy housework on Saturdays until we realized that a cleaning lady every other week was in our budget -- so she does the heavy stuff -- I do all the light cleaning. But in the evenings, on weekends and overnight -- we share parenting duties. Doug says if I had to be the one to get up at night all the time (when Sam was a baby or if he wakes up now) it would be like being at the same job 24 hours a day. I am the planner, the family accountant, the shopper and I do all of the traditional female roles in that respect. He takes care of all the things in the outdoors and in the garage. It works well for us.

Jenn

[Very Mom]

Delurking today. I'm a lazy piece of crap and husband just doesn't SEE stuff that needs to be cleaned up. We both work from home so life is chaotic. I'd really like to have a more normal life where I stay home and play and cook and clean. I think it all sounds lovely. Even the toilet cleaning and gunk around the tub.

[Tonya]

I'm quite sure that my Women's Studies Minor gives me all kinds of license to spout off here. (OK, yes, I was intoxicated approximately 78% of my collegiate career, but me thinks that is beside the fact.) Feminism can really be boiled down to the radical idea that women are actually people, too. That means I get to stay home and wipe my kids' noses and the occasional butt and my girlfriend gets to employ a nanny so that she can kick ass at her high-level corporate job. We're both good wives and good mothers and good feminists.

You know, yesterday I had an early appointment (well, 9:00 in the big city) with a perinatologist. (No, not pregnant. Just a preconception visit to see if maybe we could stop with the fetal demise thing.) As I was dragging my ass out of bed- with the help of an alarm clock- and readying myself for the day, it occurred to me that I NEVER want to return to the working world. Seriously, this stay at home gig is the best thing ever.

[The Meanest Girl On Earth]

Sometimes I feel like I'll be alone forever. I'm not a traditional girl. I am just looking for an equal. I don't want a daddy or a son. But if my 'husband' were paying all the bills I'd have no problem cleaning the house and cooking... I actually really enjoy those activities.

[Erin]

I've enjoyed reading you for sometime now, but I've never poked my head out to say hello, until now.

Before we had our son we both worked full time and split the housework, he hates laundry but doesn't mind doing the dishes and thankfully I don't mind laundry, but hate dishes!

He learned early on that leaving me home alone to do all the cleaning and prep work for a party while he went off and did whatever the hell it was he wanted to do was a bad idea. Lets just say it had something to do with his coming into the kitchen and seeing me viciously chopping carrots.

We're Canadian, so when our son was born I was very fortunate to have a year long maternity leave which is when I realized that I really wanted to be at home. I went back for a short while after my mat leave was over and in a lucky turn of events for me, my company decided to restructure and I was made "the offer I could refuse", so I did. I've been home ever since and I do freelance work when it comes.

Is the budget tighter then it used to be, yes. Would it be much better if I was at work and paying for daycare, no. Are we both happier with the way things have worked out? Hell yes. We were miserable and hardly saw each other when I went back to work. We'd collapse into bed at night, say hello and then fall asleep.

I'm lucky, he helps out, he helps with dinner, he gives our son his bath and gets him ready for bed at night. In fact the evenings are their time together and I hardly see the two of them some nights. Its wonderful and it works for us and to hell with anyone who thinks that its some 50's role that we should be running away from. Its not a sit on your ass and eat chocolates all day job and no, you don't get paid for it, but I much prefer a big hug, a big kiss and a "I love you Mommy" to a corporate paycheque.

[Yatima]

Fascinating thread. Thank you.

I work four days/week and leave my 2yo girl with her nanny, who also does light cleaning. I also have a cleaner come in once a fortnight for the oven, bathroom, etc. Husband works long hours and earns twice what I do. Most of what I earn goes on child care now. But: I love my job (I'm a writer), I do it well and I'm getting better known. Claire loves her nanny and is learning Spanish like a native. Husband and I split the remaining chores (cooking, laundry, breakfast and bedtime) except that to be honest he does more, often cooking while I'm watching TV or getting Claire up while I'm reading. He takes his alone time at night when C and I are sleeping. He gets by on ~6 hours sleep, where I need 9.

He's a peach.

All of which said, my girlfriends with kids all came up with completely different ways to be happy. Two are massage therapists who work from home and split share care with Claire's nanny. One is a millionaire property developer who is also a SAHM. One is a ceramics artist who stays home mostly, with help from a string of au pairs. Another is also a ceramic artist, with no child care, but looking for a full-time job. Everyone has figured out some kind of dynamic compromise between what they need and what their kids need and how to make the mortgage payments.

Obvious caveat is that I live in San Francisco, where you have to be quite bright and super-motivated just to afford housing costs. On the upside, the city is full of flowering trees and awesome views and other bright and super-motivated people.

Nothing is ever binary. I worry that I'm less of a mother than my working-from-home friends; although it certainly hasn't seemed to hurt Claire, who is the happiest person I know. The sound of her squealing with glee when I get home from work is the most beautiful thing I hear all day.

[Karen]

Thanks for posting this, Julia. Actually, just 2 days ago, I quit my extremely-high-paying-and-high-powered-position, to become a stay-at-home mom. My thinking of how it's going to work is pretty much how it works in your home -- but if I'm honest, I'm a bit nervous about being unemployed for the first time in a long time, and not making my own money! It's refreshing to see how well it works for you. You're my she-ro.

Thanks again.

[Monica C.]

I *nominated* you for best overall blog and I can't believe you didn't make the finals in that category. Those fools obviously can't read. So, ok, I'll just vote for you in the fertility/adoption category - harrumph.

[Kay]

I work full time, and I do about 80% of the house stuff, 80% of the Jake (my 2 year old) stuff, and 100% of the financial stuff. I do have a housekeeper come in every other week to dust, vaccuum, mop, and clean toilets. I do all the other household stuff. My husband will get Jake from the tub and put him in his jammies (15 minutes of peace for me) then it's all me again until Jake goes to sleep. We hire out the yard work. My husband cleans the litter box and takes the trash to the curb.

I'm quite exhausted and don't know how I will manage if we ever DO conceive #2.

[Ninotchka]

When I don't work outside of the home, I do the lion's share of parenting, including but not limited to: feeding, changing, bedtime, school stuff, dropping off, picking up, dropping off, picking up, dropping off, picking up and a little tap dance routine at the end of every day to entertain. Ha cha cha

I also do the cleaning (with intermittent outside help), laundry, cooking. He always does the repair, remodeling, yard work (I've mowed the lawn ONCE [or was it twice] but I don't edge - I'm not a SAINT!)

When I work outside of the home, he does the lion's share of the work: dropping off/picking up of children, cooking, dry cleaning pick up/drop off plus all the manly stuff, plus even shopping for clothes for the kiddos, bath time (sometimes I do it) plus, plus, plus. I just "show up" and stand guard with my poking stick to keep the kiddos away from me while I'm trying to have some "me" time. (Not really) And I also take care of school stuff and bedtime.

Also when I don't work, I do bills. When I do, he does. I help, sometimes. I do all the gifting ALL the time. And I'm the keeper of the kids' schedules. AND I'm the "entertainment director" for us all. Book the sitter when we go on dates, etc.

On weekends, I revert to SAHM-iness for the most part but I don't cook. He does. And he does the dishes more than I do. I clean house. Laundry is about 50/50. I run. He goes on long cycling expeditions. I spend one-on-one time with Natalie while he keeps Elle.

Oh and he also feeds the dog (I bathe him - not often enough).

Pretty progressive, aren't we? ha ha ha It works for us! I'm the envy of my two best friends who are both SAHM's and see my working outside of the home gig as a permanent vacation. On most days, I rather agree. It's gravy.

[sarcastic journalist]

I was told by some anonymous dipshit to get a "j-o-b" as well. Still haven't, though I thought of this person several times while I watched Dr. Phil and scratched my ass.

Then I let my kid juggle knives and I took a nap.

[e]

geez a girl spend her day scrubbing toilets and washing the floors and look at how many people jump ahead of me to comment! kidding!! anyway I was going to add that we are not being 1950's housewive types because we do have outside interests and our husbands ARE picking up some of the slack. What 1950s' husband lets her wife sleep in til 9am and then brings her tea? or coffee, in my case.

The thing that I have seen in my 87 years of marriage....oh wait, i guess its only been 15, just seems like that long ;-) is that these things are always changing. When Tim worked from home he did lots of kid schlepping and pitching in. When he worked in consulting 70 hrs a week during the dotcom boom we had a weekly housekeeper. I have always been more picky than he has, so therefore have done more of the cleaning. And like you and Steve we have our biggest arguments about this surrounding having company...he can spend hours rewiring stereo speakers while I think it is more important to you know COOK and clean the bathrooms.

and when you go from one kid to two...it will all change, all over again....which is why we stopped when we did ;-)

[Laura]

Hi Julia,
First of all, I have to tell you that I just found your blog last Saturday night when I was doing a 'search' for infertility issues. I spent almost all day Sunday and part of my day off on Monday reading most of your 2004 blog. It was driving DH crazy that I would barely leave the computer, but I was HOOKED. We lost a baby at almost 12 weeks in April 2004. I am on the 8th cycle TTC again after the loss with nothing happening. We are dealing with some low morphology issues and I am finishing my first cycle on clomid.

I have never posted a comment to a blog before, but I loved this topic. I am an eye doctor and DH is the manager of a retail store. I love my job and he hates his. It has been discussed that if/when we ever have a baby, he may consider becoming a stay at home father. It helps quite a bit that his best friend who lives directly across the street from us is currently a stay at home dad also. His wife and I have had discussions of what potential fun they would have and the mutual support that would exist with this situation.

As far as our current break down of the household duties, we are fairly traditional with a few twists. I handle all of the cooking and kitchen duties. He will occasionally go to the grocery store with me, which is great for help with unloading and putting away the groceries, but it takes me almost twice as long doing the actual shopping since he has to analyze almost every purchase.

I do all of the bathroom cleaning and dusting/vacuuming. He does all of the car maintenance and the odd outdoor and indoor projects.

We each do our own laundry. This is mostly because I have to get my laundry done each week, whereas he has been known to go to the store to buy another package of underwear or socks just to be able to do laundry approximately once per month. I usually am in charge of getting the towels and sheets laundered, but he usually makes the bed in the morning, which I think is sweet because I know he couldn't care less if the bed was EVER made, but he knows it drives me crazy if it doesn't get done. We also are in charge of paying our own bills. Since I earn almost four times his salary, I am paying the mortgage and utilities and car insurance for all vehicles. He pays for the yard company and his own truck payment. He also likes to pay for all of our mutual social expenses such as movies or dinners out. I think this has always made him feel better about the large discrepancy in our salaries.

He feeds the pets and cleans the litter boxes. I used to do the litter, but when I became pregnant last year, he took over and then decided since he was already doing it and we are still trying to get pregnant, he should just continue.

I am considering hiring a service to come in and do those regular chores like the bathrooms and floors. I figure since he pays for the yard service to give himself more free time, I should do the same and pay for a service to increase my free time.

Thanks for writing such a great blog and I'm so glad that I found it! I will be going to vote for your blog, and you can consider me your newest faithful reader!
Laura

[lorrie]

I have an easy life. I work full time. I roll out of bed and throw on jeans and truck to work where I teach college classes and surf infertility blogs in a clean quiet office. dh gets the 4 and 6 year olds up, dressed, breakfasted, takes to school, teaches math part time to the 6 year old's class, picks them up @ 3:00, rides herd until I come home. Often he cooks. He is a much better PCG than I am. I don't mind doing the laundry, bills, and kitchen duty. Everybody works out a solution that is best for them. I have never understood all the hostility between "sides".

[chasmyn]

My house runs about like yours except the part where we pay someone else to do anything around the house. And I don't care. He hates washing dishes and ding laundry, I happen to not mind them so much. I'm a better cook, so I cook. He grills, though, in the summer. We are oh-so 1950's. well, except for the part where I handle all of the money and the bills. And he does a lot of the grocery shopping, or we do it together.

It doesn't bother me a bit.

[Shelley]

Interesting post. I'm delurking today, and a new visitor.

Just over three years ago, my hubby left work for disability. About that time, I started the first job I ever had that could be considered a "provider's" job (until then, my jobs had been part-time, piddly paying stuff, interrupted by long periods of staying home with the kids)
So now I'm the "primary wage earner" (PWE) although I work from home. Hubby does 99% of the cooking - I always hated that part, although getting dinner on the table was my job when he was the PWE. He gets the kids out the door in the morning and takes care of school lunches, etc. The kids are getting older, and need less maintenance than when they were little.
As far as housework - we both do what we are able to do, and if one of us is feeling taken advantage of, we say so. However, I have to consider that with his health, getting a meal on the table and doing the dishes may be all he's up to that day. If the heavy work (like some yard work) is too heavy for me, I hire it out. I tend to do the laundry, because my office is next to the washing machine, but if I carry a basketful of clothes upstairs, he folds. Other than that, the kids fold.
We're a family - we all play a part in keeping this house together, from vacuuming to dusting to cutting the grass. There is no schedule, no roster - it just works out. The only really set thing is he cooks, because he likes to, I don't.