*Gak Wheeze Hurk*

I am apparently going to die as a result of this massive horrible head cold I have acquired, either as a bastard off-shoot of Patrick's recent flu or perhaps as a result of entering a pediatrician's office in order to confirm that Patrick did, indeed, have the flu.

So I have been lying around guzzling peppermint tea and blowing my nose and I thought I should let you guys know that I won't be around much longer. Which is sad because I am so damned likable.

Anyway, here are two, totally unrelated, totally inappropriate tales from the crypt.

#1 When Steve was in college his next-door neighbor died of breast cancer. It was a long battle and towards the end, apparently, her husband so fully embraced the acceptance portion of the grief process that he started seeing someone. Naturally this upset both his wife and their grown children. It was all singularly unpleasant, according to Steve, but the coup de grace was when he brought this mistress to the funeral. As his date.

Steve leaned forward as he told me about it and punctuated the anecdote with, "And she wore RED!" I was suitably shocked although when you think about it, what color could make showing up at your lover's wife's funeral more appropriate? Navy, I suppose.

I was reminded of this ancient on-dit as I hacked and wheezed at my mother on the phone this morning. Steve came in to bring me some more tea and I handed the phone to him saying, "You two will probably want to discuss... the arrangements."

Steve said, "Hi Mom. Uh-huh. I see. OK. So, I don't need to bring anyone since you'll be inviting lots of single women who love children? Great!" 

They think they are amusing but I will be haunting them both.

#2 The reason we stayed with Steve's parents for the duration of our DC IVF-o-Rama is that my mother lives in a wee, albeit charming, apartment that barely has room for another soda cracker let alone Clan Hippo. Usually we all just reside with her gentleman friend when we are in town, but moments before we arrived he contracted pneumonia, of all things. He only recovered enough to have company towards the end, so after the embryo transfer we moved out to his place and I spent my bed rest on his couch while he demonstrated the wonders of Tivo-recorded fishing shows. The things I have suffered to have another child scarcely bear repeating, I swear.

Anyway, I adore Papa Stan and he has a marvelous sense of humor so I was anticipating something good when he opened a piece of mail and then burst out laughing.

To back up, Stan was married briefly to a woman named Peg with whom he had a son. Their relationship was a tempestuous one but they stayed sort of close over the years and when she had her final bout last winter (another breast cancer victim) he was one of the people at her house when she died. It was, he said, the absolute single-most traumatic experience of his entire life, an absolutely horrible time for him and his son.

So I was lying on his couch when he opened the following card from his sister-in-law. The front had some innocuous Get Well Soon message and inside she had written:

Dear Stan,

It's funny, but we were just thinking about you as it has been almost a year to the day of Peg's passing. And now we hear you are sick.

Love, C & E

That's all. The entire message. What do you think? Worst get well card ever?

Comments

[Sheridan]

Continuing on with your theme, about 20 years ago I went to the funeral of my uncle's elderly mother. Here was a woman who had been really ahead of her time. She was strong, feisty, independant, worked outside the home and basically forged a path through life that was pretty unusual for a woman of that era.

I remember this so vividly because I was so horrified.

At the funeral, the minister said, "We will always remember her for her knitting."

Here's hoping you get more respect at your funeral, my dear.

[TexasMama]

Oh. My. God. Could you immagine actually having the nerve (or sheer thoughtlessness) to put that down on the card, lick the envelope, and stick on a stamp. What are people thinking?

And lalala to the knitting, too. Good grief. Death really brings out the worst.

[dish]

Brought a date to his wife's funeral, huh? That's a new one!

It's good to know that Steve will not repeat this pattern but will only be cruising for chicks at your funeral.

[Jo]

I've been reading your blog surreptitiously, lurking for months, but now, to find out that you were subjected to fishing shows -- I must speak out. Is there no end to your suffering?! My God woman.

[Chi Zit]

Ooof. How screwy is it when people only wonder if you're dead, and not how you are? Plenty screwy. Daffy Duck screwy. Get well soon. May the mothership of chicken soup soothe your cold/flu/plague.

[Linda]

So Steve's going to be available soon, eh?

[B Mare]

Yo, Linda- about Steve- take a number, get in line.

See what you have started? Unseemly squabblings on your blog- not to mention at your funeral- over your husband- and all before you even shuffle off this mortal coil.

[Lisa S (& Riley, Bella, & Adelyn)]

Wait, she wore RED? Wait, she WENT to the funeral? Wait, HE WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE??

Well Julia, "And now we hear you are sick."

Creepy.

Feel better! I hope you survive at least until Friday's ultrasound, because I won't be able to manage it if you have to reschedule.

[Karen]

So ... at your funeral ... will your hot brother be there?

(get well soon!)

[Erica]

Ugh. I hope that you feel better soon. And also that you sneezed on Steve.

[Coralie]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Beautiful, just beautiful. Thanks for that!

[Toni]

I'm going to second Erica...time to sneeze on Steve. :)

I hope you get better quickly - as I'm sure it won't be fun as they give you the u/s AND you're sneezing. Can't imagine how that might feel.... :)

[Laura K.]

Ahh, even when you're not feeling well you can make us all laugh!

Either way, I'm still in shock about the new woman even going to the funeral, let alone wearing RED. That's just asking for a B**ch slap right there, soap opera style.

Feel better!

Laura

[Queenie]

I've got one too--I once had a coworker who was out of work sick for several weeks with very weird symptoms, and it was discovered that he had a brain tumor and had to have neurosurgery to remove it. Our department sent him flowers and a card before the surgery. One very weird, very socially inept guy actually wrote on the card, "I hope they can get that thing out of your head. --John." Not kidding.

[KT]

I have a card that I bought several years ago and have never quite dared to send to anyone... they'd have to have exactly the right sense of humor.

"Sorry you're sick."

(open card)

"Hope you don't die."

[Scully]

Do you think they played "Lady in Red" at the funeral?

[victoria]

That tops even Newt Gingrich, who started seeing someone else while his wife was fighting breast cancer. When his wife was recovering from a mastectomy, Newt brought the divorce papers for her to sign in the hospital.

Huh, I also know a woman who died of breast cancer, and her husband started openly seeing someone else. He was also her doctor. He told her, to her face, that she knew he wasn't good without someone.

People are weird.

[reenie]

KT - I would DIE laughing if I got that card.

Julia, I'm thinking about you. I've been reading and lurking for awhile. (Since about Nov. 3rd.) ;o)
Crossing my fingers for your appt tomorrow.

[Kat (fellow bal translocation Kat)]

Hey Julia,

I signed this differently because I am finding there's at least one other "Kat" and a "Cat" out here in this infertility/PG/mommy blogland.

Your devotion to us is admirable, making us laugh and all when you're on your death bed. Hopefully Patrick has the rights to syndicate after you're gone. :-)

That red dress woman takes the prize... do you think she realized how tacky she was being? Ugh.

Wishing you luck for that first U/S appointment.

And hope you get over this plague soon.

[Krissy]

KT, I would love to get a card like that. Love it.

"And now we hear you are sick" has the unspoken ending "One can only hope it's the end".

I had to explain to my Dutch MIL that my grandfather would have a heart attack if she wore a red dress to my wedding. Red at any sort of religious ceremony, to a Sicilian catholic anyway, is tantamount to spitting on the participants. However, in Holland red is a celebratory color. She wore green, and it was lovely.

So many people out there suck and are stupid. Never is it more apparent during those times when grace and decorum are called for.

Stupid people.

[Emily]

I have the same stupid headcold. I work in a v.v. small office with just one other person so you'd think I wouldn't get sick, eh? Wrong! She's always sick and it's like working in a pre-school here because since she's always sick, it seems that I'm always sick. Arrggh! My teethe ache from the pain of this stupid cold and I can't sleep. This may actually be the will of my cat (you know, jedi mind tricks) because since I haven't been able to sleep for two days, I stay up all night and play with the cat. I think he's liking this too much ;)

That card was definitely the worst ever.

Feel better.

[Anna]

okay, that card is officially hysterical. HA!

[patricia]

Trying not to laugh too hard I need to hide that I am stealing time from work.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

i'm still in shock over the mistress thing. At least the lady didn't wear pink in honor of breast cancer.