Patrick Sent Me To My Room

Patrick suddenly turned two about five minutes ago, a Capital T, double-barreled Two. The age that is more attitude than a measurement of time and the sort of thing people mean when they shrug apologetically and say, "He's Two."

Example:

Me: Oh give me a HOME! Where the buffalo ROAM!

Patrick: No. No home. No buffalo. No.

He did not add "I'll see you in hell first, Mommy" but it was clearly implied.

And when I defensively said, "I was just singing" he put his hand over my mouth and said, "No. No. No."

No he does not want breakfast. No he does not want either yogurt OR cereal OR eggs for breakfast. No he will not sit in his chair and eat the nice cereal and no it is not nice cereal and no he is not all done with it.

And yet he cheerfully sits in the chair and plows through the cereal and he is, indeed, all done.

If I could just put him on mute he would be as pleasant as always since it is more verbal defiance than knife-wielding mutiny at this point. Just a steady drone of no no no no no no no ringing through the house these days.

Of course, there is the fact that I am now his third favorite parent after Steve and then Steve again but in a different shirt.

Weep, weep, moan: I want DADDY to put on my shoes!

Wail, howl, thrash: I want DADDY to read me the stories

Point, push, whine: Mommy go away! Mommy go to the kitchen!

Steve is being sympathetic while barely suppressing his glee at being The Favorite but I have to tell you, squabs, I feel like Brer Rabbit. You want Daddy to dress you and change your diaper and read you stories and put you down for a nap while I am sent to the kitchen where all my toys are? Um, OH NO!

IVF stuff pending. I needed a break from taking pregnancy tests every hour on the hour and whining about it.

Comments

[wix]

boo! that doesn't sound like any fun at all, so sorry!

[The Good Rachel]

Oh my! I do remember the first Daddy phase and how much it hurt my feelings. Now -I welcome them. Sure, Honey, Daddy can do EVERYTHING for you. *I* will happily sit on my ass and do MY things until you switch again and have me hopping every 33 seconds!

And I have to say.....three was worse than two and four is shaping up to be worse than three.......Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

[Kay]

My son turned two in September. Often Daddy is the favorite. What do you mean you want DADDY to change that poopy diaper? Brer Rabbit indeed.

Enjoy!

I have to admit to checking your site 10 times a day hoping for an update. Has it been 10 days yet? No? Okay - I can refresh some more until then. Does that make me a stalker?

[terri c]

Hmmmmm, what could you do that would be enjoyable while Daddy changes that poopy diaper? Online shopping? Long soaks in the tub? Manicure? Pedicure? Caribbean cruise??? There HAS to be something good in this...

[Deanna]

Oh my god...something's in the water supply! My 18 month old has been repeating "no" to me like a mantra all this week, too. It's a powerful word, indeed!
Daddy's been the favorite for a few weeks, now. I suspect it is because I am here with her ALL DAY and dad is the surprise that arrives every afternoon just when things are getting really dull; familiarity breeds contempt, no?

[Kim]

Did you move into my house when I wasn't looking? My 2 1/2 year old daughter absolutely loves her Daddy beyond belief. The happiest part of her day is when he pulls into the driveway after work - the shout goes out, "DADDY'S HOME!!! DADDY'S HOME!!" - at which point, I suddenly become non-existent. She wants him to do EVERYTHING for her. The best part is if my husband or I ask her if she loves me - the usual answer is "NO, Daddy". I keep reminding her I actually was the one who suffered through morning sickness and labor to have her! She doesn't seem to care though....

Hang in there - I'm hoping so hard that you're pregnant with twins! =)

[Ana]

Oh yes, I know the feeling. Last night as I was dressing my two year old daughter she kept chanting "I only love Daddy, I don't want Mommy" over and over and over again until eventually I had tears in my eyes. Oh yes, it's a nice feeling!

[meredith]

I just had to laugh b/c my 2 year old OFTEN looks at me and says "Mommy, no sing!" But he also tells me to stand up and dance, too, when it suits him. We don't have the 'daddy' problem over here, but right about now I'd take that to get him to stop saying Mommy 4,249 times per day. I have a 7 week old baby that needs as much attention, and I would love for the 2 year old to want someone other than me! Hopefully you'll be dealing with this VERY soon! Looking forward to hearing your results, though I think your dr's are on crack to think you could wait 18 days..

Meredith

[Christine]

One of Paul's grad students recommended that I ensure that the grunion learns how to say "daddy" first. When he starts crying in the middle of the night and that's all he can say, well, then I can roll over and go back to sleep. She is a wise, wise woman.

After this post, we might just stop that whole talking thing at "daddy."

[elisabeth]

Glad to know I am not alone in randomly singing "Home on the Range" to the mortification of my children....

We always called 4 the "fucking 4s" it can be like having a surly teen in a little body. The only difference is a teen can wipe her own ass (one assumes). I think if they are tough at 2, then 4 is easier and vice versa. Repeat after me "this is only a phase" then go pour a drink.....that would be my parenting assvice for the day.

[Ruth]

Ah, Two. Last Spring, when Little Big Man was just Two, he went through the same delightful "No" phase. He would appear in the kitchen and declaim, "Milk!! Want Milk!!!" Like a good handmaiden, I would pour him a cup of milk, at which point he would scream, "No milk!!!" and collapse in a weeping heap. Eventually I would pour the milk and put it on the table for him to retrieve himself -- without making any eye contact or acknowledging him in any way. Only then would he take the cup happily and toddle off.

Brace yourself -- I think Three is much worse. It gets really personal when they're Three.

[Crystal]

Sorry, I know it's not nice, but I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Michael tried to remove my leg the other day. He wanted to cuddle it, having previously cuddled with *me* as we sat in my big overstuffed chair, but it wouldn't arrange itself to his satisfaction. So with much growling, and gnashing of teeth, and pulling and yanking, he screamed MINE! and attempted to remove it.

Thankfully there's not too much strength to go along with that Iron Will.

And how do you get a toddler to understand that your body parts are in fact not his? He really doesn't believe me....

[giddy]

I'm with Elisabeth--4s are like 2s, only magnified. My daughter, who turns 5 next month, STILL insists that she is not going to eat the cereal or the yogurt or the fruit and that she will not sit at the table, but we just don't say a thing and she continues to eat everything blissfully. We occasionally point out that she is bluffing, or that she must be imitating someone from preschool who is less polite than she is, but it doesn't seem to have much effect. We don't really care, as long as she ends up doing our bidding and isn't TOO unpleasant about it!

I have also enjoyed all the phases where she wanted Daddy to do everything--but now I have a 2-month old so I have baby duty when he has big-girl duty.

Good luck with Patrick....and with everything else going on.

[Ninotchka]

Oh, I know of what you speak. Elle will counter anything I have to say, even if it's good. For instance, after a nice cuddle, I'll say "You're a sweet girl" and she'll say in all of her offended glory:

"I'm NOT a sweet girl! YOU'RE a sweet girl, Mommy!"

Somehow I get the feelings she's not *really* calling me "sweet." But hey, I'll take it. I've been called worse.

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

He told you to go to the kitchen? Starting to be a man a tad early huh?

It would have been funnier if he had said, "Get your ass in the kitchen and get me some pie!" ala Eric cartman style.

[Scully]

The terrible twos prepare you for the effing fifteen year olds.

Seriously.

Have fun.

PS Sorry, I'm a bitter mother of a rotten fifteen year old. I'll be better when he's 30.

[Crystal]

LOL, Scully, you know what they say, teens are big toddlers with bigger vocabularies (although some debate that, since you're average teen's habitual vocabulary seems to shrink to about 3 words and a few grunts).

We had teens when we had foster kids. It's an experience. : )

[Rachel]

"Of course, there is the fact that I am now his third favorite parent after Steve and then Steve again but in a different shirt."

Woman, you are going to get me in trouble at work. I am still giggling over this.

[Moxie]

I have started this comment about 10 times, but I can't seem to make it come out sounding anything but bitter as hell about having a 3-year-old. Almost-3 has been so much more torturous than 2 ever was. So I'm *wishing* my almost-3-year-old would prefer my husband.

[Anita]

Kim's comment about DADDY's HOME! made me laugh. Our 7 month old is too young to understand it, but the dog nearly has a fit everytime the dh comes home. There is wagging, running through the house and shooting out the doggie door like SuperDog to greet the Daddy.

When I arrive home, even if the dh says "Mommy's home!!!", the dog lazily gets up, stretches, perhaps pokes his head out the doggie door to see what's taking me so long, and waits for me to come in the house before I get a halfhearted wag and a sniff in an inappropriate area.

Sans sniff, I'm expecting the baby to do the same thing eventually, too.

[Susy]

Hah! My daughter also abuses the word "NO"! I'll ask her if she's hungry and she'll say "YEAH!" and then suddenly remember that she's not supposed to respond in the affirmative, to ANYTHING and will then retract her statement with a quick "NO!"

Isn't it too soon to know if you're pregnant? I know, I know, I'm stating the obvious here. If I were you, the tests would have started immediately after the doctor's hands left my body. They'd probably have to shackle me down.

[Kel]

I was so smuggly going to say, "What until 3..." but then I read all the four-year-old comments and needed to search for some vodka.

Kel

[Emily Drew]

Oh Julia, my dear, it sounds just like my niece and nephew. William will cry when you try to put him in his chair for dinner. "Do you want to eat?" "No!" "Well, what do you want to do, then?" "Eat!"

While I cannot truly sympathize since I am only their Aunt, I do sort of understand and will cry on your shoulder when it is my time.

Congratulations on the successful TRANSFER and I will keep you in my thoughts.

[JenniF]

The terrible two end somewhere after they turn five! Good Luck! How are those pregnancy tests going BTW?

Jenni

[Lisa S (& Riley, Bella, & Adelyn)]

My favorite thing to do with two year olds is to ask them how old they are.

"How old are you?"

"No!"

"Exactly."

Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, I just finishing blogging myself about my ornery two year old, who also happens to be SICK. And TWO. Yeah, like that. I get alot of objections to my singing over here too, and I really hate the hand over my mouth bit. Especially when my youngest is shrieking with glee for me to sing, and my oldest is asking me to sing the words to his favorite song because he's forgotten them. Then it's screaming all around. Lovely, really, having three children. You'll see. ;)

[Kirrily]

Just spat water all over my screen @ the "Steve and then Steve in a different shirt" observation.

Thanks for brightening my day...and forcing me to dust down my monitor.

Also love the handmaiden comment by Ruth! LMAO

[angela]

You all don't have a clue (well, unless you've been through it)----just wait till puberty hits!~What a bowl of cherries-guess where all of the pits are!
Seriously, good luck with your pregnancy...I've been following your stories and you and Steve certainly deserve as many happy healthy children as you want!
Good luck and I'll be watching for your next posting!

Angela

[mellie]

Oh oh, try my favorite--

Would you like a pony for your birthday?