A Very Good Friday To You

I am officially bored to tears with describing my each and every blood cell (red white or blue) so suffice it to say: I am fine. I will live.

The cats might be in trouble, though. Patrick is currently clutching a family-sized chocolate ice cream bucket and chasing mostly-blind Kelvin around the first floor. From the fiendish gleam in Pack's eye I can only surmise that the goal is to trap the cat under the bucket. I would intervene but they are obviously enjoying themselves. The cat, if it is any indication, keeps stopping to let Patrick catch up with him. Besides, I am working. Working on the blog. Keeping the household in blog hits. Very important.

Speaking of family-sized chocolate ice cream buckets, I just made a rather humiliating discovery. I just realized that I have been telling people that Steve finishes a five gallon tub of chocolate icecream every week, winter or summer. And when they say, "Five GALLONS? Really?" I nod and swear that this is true, true, true. But as I made a half-hearted attempt to take the bucket away from Patrick a few minutes ago I noted that it is actually only five quarts. Steve eats five quarts of chocolate icecream a week. When I went in to report my long-standing error to Steve he laughed at me (rather more heartily than necessary) and took me down to the basement to show me a five gallon bucket of ceiling paint. And you know what? That would be a whole fucking lot of icecream.

Patrick failed to nap the other day and after an extended period of time I finally admitted defeat and went to free him. When I walked in I was immediately struck by the party atmosphere that prevailed. One of his blankets was on a lamp. Bear was dangling from the corner of the changing table. A book that had been in the crib with him had been reduced to confetti. Patrick stood in the middle of his bed, sockless, with one arm hanging out from underneath his shirt.

"What the...?" I asked.

Patrick turned to face the same direction I was facing and put his hands on his hips as he looked around the room. "What the hell is going on in hee-or?" he asked.   

This is actually a fairly old trick- blending into the crowd and pretending to be a bystander. I believe that arsonists do it all the time. However, in this case the trick failed because I am very smart and Patrick was the only one in the room. A simple Locked Door mystery, really.

J'accuse, Patrick.

The real question is: where did he learn to swear? We do not own a parrot formerly of his majesty's navy. I can only blame communist playgroup. When everyone is allowed to join it stands to reason you are going to get all sorts.

What? You think it was me, don't you? You think there has been a time when I have actually uttered the phrase 'what the hell' in the presence of my little blue-eyed sponge.

Hmmph.

For no apparent reason yesterday I asked Patrick how one spells "puppy." He thought for a moment and said P-O-P-P-E.

We were incredibly impressed.

Then I asked him if he knew how to spell "cat."

"C," he said.

"Yes," I prompted while programming Harvard into the phone.

"Q-M." He finished proudly.

Huh. I guess my mom can go back on speed-dial.

Comments

[reenie]

I love Patrick stories. That is one smart little muffin.

[reenie]

And I'm very relieved to hear you're okay...I was thinking you may have been at the hospital receiving life-saving treatments after hearing of your infection.

[Kari]

Love your blog. (Long time lurker here--this post made me literally laugh out loud at "what the hell is going on in hee-o?")

[Tine]

I snorted out loud at my computer about 6 times in succession while reading this post. Naturally I tried to disguise my snorts with coughing. Normally I'm quite good at being quietly amused, but now my office mates are wondering why I've suddenly developed emphysema.

Your Patrick is a LOT like my 2-year-old son, whom I'm missing terribly today. Thanks for the giggles and the extra motivation to leave the office early. :)

[liz]

Laughed out loud, too. I like the hands on the hips.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

Phew! You're ok! What with my worrying abilities and all I was CONVINCED that you were battling gangrene or flesh eating strep by now....

Loved the Patrick story. When my sister was about 3 she once said to my mom, "Aren't you going to call him an asshole?"

[julia]

I'm with Tine ... snorting ensued. You're funny. My favorite: "j'accuse, Patrick." I fell over.

[Libby]

This was so funny Julia. I've walked into Sofia's room to find exactly the same scerario. Down to the arm hanging out from underneath her shirt. It's really hard not to laugh in those moments.

I afraid to say that Sofia knows how to say fuck and shit at the appropriate times (and by that I mean that she says it like when she hits herself or something breaks, not at dinner with grandma, oh God please no). We did not make too much of a deal and now she has stoped saying it. It is all my husband's fault. He curses like a sailor. His excuse is that he was in the navy and was in fact, a sailor.

Glad to hear you are feeling better.

[Wavery]

Julia, I absolutely adore you.

[kaykota]

Oh my! That is one hilarious little boy you have there. Thanks for the laughs today and I'm glad your infection is ok.

K
ps- my daughter yelled out bullshit the other day, clear as a bell.

[dayment]

Leave Harvard on speed dial.

[Cecily]

I'm glad you're so cheery.

And Patrick is brilliant.

[wix]

i can hear it in my mind's ear, especially the 'hee-or'. beautiful!

[rachel]

thank you so much for updating - was worried about you!

and also thanks for the laugh. perfect. i can just picture the scene (maybe because it's happened here too...)

my nephew (4) shocked my step-mom (very prim lady) the other day. she was picking him up and said, "oops, it smells like someone stepped in dog poop!"

He looked at her, and said "It's called dog shit, Mimi!"

[Soper]

That's how I spell "cat." "CQM" -- perfect.

[Sandy]

Patrick is my new favourite potential arsonist! You have such a great way of making me feel like I'm right in the room watching when you describe things. That doesn't make me a stalker does it? Oh, and about the ice cream mistake? I once spent six months telling people that I had been "absconded" from my job instead of "seconded". I stand behind that statement - they got a hell of a steal with me!!! Glad you seem to be feeling better.

[Kat]

Hey Julia,
Glad to hear you're not in the hospital fighting off a deadly bacteria in your arm.

I practically shouted out loud when I read the story of Patrick in the crib. I do not leave my 2yo dd alone with books because she has a tendency to shred them, too. She would wake fresh from a nap, shred a few books, then cheerfully call out, "mommy, come look" to show off her decorations.

And the "what the hell" comment is hilarious. Yesterday in the car my dd spilled her water down the front of her shirt and when I turned back to look at her, she mumbled, "Damn it." Where in the fucksake did she learn how to say that? (I'll admit probably from me.) But I was proud she used it in the right context. LOL

Happy Easter.

I am happy you seem to be feeling better.

~kat
Maternity Genes

[Linda]

Patrick is perfection.

I am so excited to try the 2 new recipes that you've added. They look divine.

[Lisa V]

Re: the ice cream consumption

I had an old boyfriend who lived on the way wilder side than me. He had done LSD, a lot of LSD. I was discussing his LSD use with another friend who had used LSD. "Tom did LSD 1000 times." She just said wow and nothing else. So I was telling him Linda was pretty impressed that he had done LSD 1000 times. He just looked at me and said she should be, because people that have done LSD 1000 times are normally carrying a drool cup and will work for food sign. He had only done it 100.

I didn't have children with him. Thought that drool cup might surface.

[Scully]

Nope. I never thought for one minute that you ever swore in your son's hearing range. Nope. Never.

Crap - that lightning bolt that just came out of nowhere was meant for me!

[Sheridan]

Recipes? There are new recipes?

What the hell is going on in hee-or??

[jenB]

this post makes me feel warm and fuzzy for you. i think you deserve some ice cream as well. ask paul to share. :-) charlotte keeps pulling our CQM's tail, and they don't like it. trying to teach "gentle" to a 14 month kid is proving difficult.

xoxoxoxoxoxox to you

[Mandy]

I *heart* Patrick. What the hell, indeed, mom. :)

[Karen]

Look at it this way -- you're certainly getting your money's worth from those speech therapy sessions! :o)

[Slim]

I've heard of mothers who, fed up with a particular book, leave it with a child at naptime in the hope that the book will meet an unfortunate end.
Isn't that shocking?