Details

Bear with me while I take us back in time, all the way back to the beginning of last week. I am a big fan of the Ineffable Now and letting the dead past bury its dead and all that, but if I don't tell you what transpired between then and now I am afraid that you will have no idea what the hell I am talking about. Some of this you have heard before, so excuse the repetition but... narrative flow, baby. It is all about the narrative flow.

Last Monday the Crappiest Ultrasound Machine in the Universe (TM) showed that the embryonic heart rate had dropped from 107 bpm the previous week to 93 or something equally disturbing. Immediately following this ultrasound I met with a new obstetrician, my old obstetrician having fled the little office of horrors with the coming of the new year. The new OB saw nothing wrong with a declining heart rate and started scheduling me for CVS testing, per my initial request. In his world I would not have been seen by a physician, phlebotomist or phax machine until I showed up at the perinatalogist on April 12th.

So, either he truly believed that embryonic heart rates do not need to steadily increase during the first trimester (in which case he is utterly incompetent and I pity his poor parents who must have been so proud when he got into med school) OR he was patronizing me (meaning he knew that I would most likely lose the pregnancy but did not feel he needed to share this tidbit with me.) Now, in the general scheme of things I can imagine scenarios in which women (some women) might prefer to just go about their hapless selection of nursery accessories until they miscarry one horrifying day, but I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE WOMEN. Among other things, if I do not do genetic testing on this pregnancy I will never know what caused embryonic demise, thus I could be dooming myself to any number of terrible reproductive decisions going forward.

So I jettisoned Dr. Loser and made appointments for another ultrasound and a consultation with a new new obstetrician. That was last Monday.

Tuesday I went for the ultrasound and saw that the embryo measured 6 weeks 2 days (rather than 6 weeks 6 days or, if you wanna get REALLY specific 7 weeks and 2 days per transfer dates) and the heart rate was 74 bpm. You are no doubt too busy to google this for yourselves, so I'll just go ahead and tell you that the miscarriage rate for this situation is in the neighborhood of 100% (+/- two standard deviations to allow for the possibility of, like, divine intervention.)   

Therefore, Wednesday morning found me leaving the new new OB's nurse a message so rambling and incoherent it could have been scripted by the Unabomber. Thankfully a nurse called me back within a few minutes and, even more thankfully, she was willing to overlook the fact that I was not technically a patient of theirs. She listened. She comprehended. And then she put together a reasonable course of action.

To wit: an immediate hcg check followed by a repeat on Friday (last Friday.) Once Friday's result was available I would meet with the doctor Friday afternoon and most likely have an ultrasound with them.

I cried because she was so nice and so efficient and so responsive. Then she cried because I was crying. I doubt this sort of thing happens with a proctology practice but I do not want to be guilty of gender stereotyping so I will leave the possibility open. Still, I doubt it.

Wednesday's hcg level was 13000 and something. What does that mean, you ask? Nothing.

Friday's hcg level was 16000 and something. What does that mean, you ask? Well, nothing much. It confirms that the pregnancy is not developing properly but it also indicated that it most likely will not be going anywhere on its own anytime soon.

I met with the new new OB Friday afternoon and fell madly in love with her. She is so SMART. And she has a sense of humor. And she was a genetics counselor before she went to med school and, you know, we have genetic issues so that is a nice synergy right there.

We talked and talked and I explained my whole obstetrical history and we put together a long term plan and a short term plan and heavenly choirs sang.

Unfortunately, their ultrasound machine was in use and we waited and waited and the person did not leave. So my new best friend suggested I just come back in on Monday. And that sounded fine to me because, as I told her, I was certain that there was no longer a heartbeat to be found and I was equally certain there would still not be a heartbeat on Monday. So, it didn't affect my weekend one way or the other and it was too late at that point to schedule anything further so I would have had to come back anyway.

Which brings me to my appointment yesterday. By the way, if you were paying attention you will notice that I went to either an obstetrician or a radiologist FIVE times last week. This is why my insurance company hates me and their entire actuarial staff camps at the mailbox each month, waiting for me to miss our premium by a day so they can cancel me. Ha! Fat chance! Not with my soon-to-be-patented Toast Rack Chronological Bill Payment System.

The first thing I heard upon arrival is that my doctor was not there, as she was out delivering some other patient's baby. Mazel tov.

The ultrasound tech brought me back to the machine and tried to enter the relevant information into her SUPERSUPER Deluxe Sono7000.

Date of last menstrual period? I did IVF, so, well, I guess you could say BLAH, but the last ultrasound said BLAH but the one before that gave a due date of BLAH so...

Is this your first pregnancy? Ha! Sorry! No. Ha HA HA! It's my millionth. Not really, but, it feels that way sometimes. No, this is number 8. Wait, sorry. 9. Ninth.

I decided to cut to the chase and told her that we were not going to see a heartbeat so chop chop let's just move it along, shall we?

So she started the abdominal scan and immediately said, "Oh but there is the heartbeat right there."

And I looked at her screen and then I looked at the WALL-MOUNTED PATIENT VIEWING SCREEN (how classy is this place?) and sure enough blip blip blip. I sighed really loudly and said that it was probably just me. And she said no, she was seeing it not hearing it. And I said, yeah, something like this happened three pregnancies ago and it looked like the embryo had a heartbeat but actually it was a vessel of mine that we were seeing. And the embryo was just a disintegrating string of tissue.

Whereupon she measured the heartbeat and it was, more or less, exactly what it was last week. In the upper 70s. Then she measured the embryo and it had grown a week to seven weeks exactly.

At which point I screamed Medic! and one of the partner OBs came in. She agreed we were all looking at a heartbeat. She agreed it was really fucking slow. She asked if I was taking baby aspirin and I said, uh, well, I WAS taking all this stuff but then, um, the last ultrasound practically showed X's for eyes so I, er, stopped taking everything.

Which is when she punched me in the leg, pretty hard, and said, "Oh just take the damn pills! And come back on Thursday."

So I did. And I will.

On an editorial note, I would like to add: am I supposed to be learning patience? Is that the Great Lesson in this? I assume I must be missing something, otherwise I would not have to keep repeating the same miserable experience over and over again. I have never heard of a heart rate just staying ludicrously low and steady while the embryo grows. It was REASONABLE to expect the embryo to have died since the last ultrasound. Why is the cosmos fucking with me? Any suggestions?

Comments

[karyn]

Good Lord.

Wishing definitive answers on you as soon as possible.

[nini]

This is a horrible nightmarish roller coaster for you and I am desperately wishing you some good luck for a change.
Don't spit on me for saying this but maybe Dr. Loser has read some really really recent research that says embryo heartbeats can go down and then up again and there is a chance everything will be fine? Well, probably not, but I remember when my ob REFUSED to tell me anything was wrong when my pg went from 117 to 93 to 77 AND I was spotting. She said babies can and have come back from this. I hated her guts and dropped her like a hot potato for being so stupid....but hmmm....maybe maybe maybe she didn't just make that up to give me false hope. Who knows?

[Anita]

OK. I'm such a loser that I read your title and first couple of sentences and it seemed somewhat positive and because I have NO DELAY OF GRATIFICATION SKILLS, I skipped ahead to the end and got all excited because it seems like GOOD news and now I have to go back and read the whole thing....but I"m SO DAMN EXCITED that it isn't BAD news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay!!!!!!!

[suz]

Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.

[LL]

I have broken my loooooong history of delurking twice, for YOU, Julia. I am crossing all of my appendages (and at 5'10'', that's a trick!) and praying and asking my bathroom Buddha for favors and lighting incense (Sandalwood OK? Jasmine makes my head hurt) and dancing in the moonlight and and and and all that stuff. I know this is about as significant as a papercut, but just know that there is a tall woman in Austin, Texas who is rooting for you all the way. You and Steve and Patrick deserve the absolute best of everything. I raise my glass of malbec/cabernet blend to you guys.

[Annie]

Oh for cryin' out loud...can't a girl get resolution, at least?

Good luck?

[rae]

Julia I am so sorry for yet more waiting - I don't know whether its wise to be hoping for you but I don't know anyway not to. Hoping against all the odds...

[Kriss]

Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck
And then some.
xoxo

[Christine]

Someday there are going to be papers written about you. Maybe books.

One. big. mindfuck.

[Jen (yep, another one)]

God. I can only imagine the insane swirl of emotions you are experiencing. I will join the agnostic prayer circle for you, and also send you strength to get through whatever comes next.

[Karina]

I'm choosing to stick with the previously mentioned "superman embryo" theory. It would explain everything. Grow, baby, grow!

[Dooneybug]

OH MY GOD! Freaking out, fingers crossed, wishing luck stays on your side!!!

[cass]

Holy crap, woman. This is just. too. weird. Hello, universe? Please stop fucking with Julia. Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

I'm still doing the crossing-the-crossable-parts-and-praying routine over here - because along with the baby aspirin, I might as well keep it up.

[Lisa V]

I am stunned. You never know. Next ultrasound that kid will be giving you the finger.
Cautiously optimistic. Everything is crossed.

[Lisa V]

I am stunned. You never know. Next ultrasound that kid will be giving you the finger.
Cautiously optimistic. Everything is crossed.

[Anna]

I have nothing useful to say except "Holy shit!" and "What the fuck?" and "???!!!" and stuff. Damn, woman, you musta gone back for extras in the Fuck With Me line.

:::cautiously optimistic, indeed:::

[Column Fodder Andrea]

What? WHAT? Holy shit, Julia. Now I'm all crying but I don't know if it's happy or sad crying. Confused crying? Fucked-with, gobsmacked crying?

Take your pills.

[wix]

holy shit!

!!!

[Lisa]

You are the fucking master of suspense.

This is fabulous news!

[Pinkie]

OMG! You poor old thing (((hug))) Hang in there while we pray for a miracle. You are a goddess in the care of other goddesses, so let them worry for you. I wish the universe would just stop fucking you around, thats all! Thinking of you, kiddo. xxx Pinkie.

[Wavery]

Um, yeah.

My eyebrows are no longer attached to my face, they have been completely blown off by this ride. I don't know what to think. I have no suggestions. But I'm here.

[bermuda]

The fat lady isn't singing because I am too busy holding my breath waiting to see if fate decides to cut you a fucking break.

::Cut Julia a motherfucking break, k Cosmos?::

[Ana]

What the hell! Now what? What do we hope for? Shit!

[Slim]

I have not only attended the Google school of medicine but the Law & Order academy of criminal pyschology, and it seems to me that the universe, like a good serial killer, is ratcheting up the elaborate torture part of the act. The plain old garden variety version just wasn't giving it a thrill any more.
Sorry as hell about this.

[elisabeth]

wtf? waiting anxiously for the news tomorrow brings.....

[Jaime]

I can't believe I have to wait. I'm also holding on to tiny shards of hope for you!

[Janis]

No brilliant words of wisdom here. Just hoping that one way or another, you will know soon what is going on. Limbo land sucks hairy green donkey balls.

[Sarah]

This is totally insane!!

I'm praying for you and your family. I'm so sorry you are going through such chaos!

[Billie]

I think I've figured it out. It's because you are such a damn good writer and all this intrigue makes for a better story. You might not have started a blog if you hadn't been through all this, and then your extreme talents would go undiscovered and wasted. So the gods intervened so that you might share your gifts with the world. Hard on you, and a rollercoaster ride for your readers, but it keeps us checking your blog five times a day! I'll be anxiously awaiting Thursday's results.

[Danielle]

I read this last night, but was too stunned to form a coherent thought! I don't know what I am hoping for, but whatever you're hoping for, I am, too!

[Debe]

I don't even know what to hope for for you but I'm hoping none the less

[Linda]

I stick to my previous comment: Julia, that is insane.

I am echoing what has been stated above. I have no idea what to hope for, but I am here. And hoping.

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

I always fuck with the people I love. Does that help?

umm, yeah probably no, but heres to hope.

[Heather]

Oh. My. God. WTF??!! That is some seriously twisted shit. I admire your ability to retain your sense of humor in this situation. You are a stronger woman than I - yet I already knew that.

I am so going to be refreshing every 5 minutes tomorrow. Hope and Luck your way Julia.

[Heather]

Oh. My. God. WTF??!! That is some seriously twisted shit. I admire your ability to retain your sense of humor in this situation. You are a stronger woman than I - yet I already knew that.

I am so going to be refreshing every 5 minutes tomorrow. Hope and Luck your way Julia.

[Connor]

I really like the super embryo comment...I can just picture the cape flying on your next ultrasound!
Hope this doesn't sound too cheesy, but I hope it helps... A friend once told me that God doesn't give you a desire for something without giving you a way to realize it (temptations for chocolate don't count), I don't know if this pregnancy is the way to your next baby (although I desperately hope so), but I have NO DOUBT you will get another little one somehow. Here is to hoping and praying that this is the one!!!!!!

[Connor]

I really like the super embryo comment...I can just picture the cape flying on your next ultrasound!
Hope this doesn't sound too cheesy, but I hope it helps... A friend once told me that God doesn't give you a desire for something without giving you a way to realize it (temptations for chocolate don't count), I don't know if this pregnancy is the way to your next baby (although I desperately hope so), but I have NO DOUBT you will get another little one somehow. Here is to hoping and praying that this is the one!!!!!!

[Emily Drew]

This is me praying for you.
PRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAYPRAY

[Julie M]

This is really an unbelievable development (or lack thereof). I hope you get some clarity one way or the other very soon, but I still have hope for you.

[Annie]

Man, I don't know what the fuck to think. Way cautious optimism perhaps? And I spoilered your post and skipped to the end and then went back, bad bad me, but I HAD to know!

[Monica C.]

My girlfriend, the OB (you know, the one who I always ask what she thinks about whatever your current obstetrical phenomena happen to be at the time), is about 14 weeks pregnant right NOW with a baby that she was sure she was going to miscarry (she, too, has had multiple miscarriages and had to go through IVF to have her first babies (twins). This pg. happened with no assistance - well, other than what her husband gave her) because the heart rate was SO SLOW. I don't know how slow, but when an OB says it was slow, it must have been SLOW! And she was sure she was going to miscarry - but nope - baby is still there and growing and healthy (passed the nuchal folds test). My OB had a cerclage put in last week just to be on the safe side.

SO there you have it. Slow and steady wins the race.

I'll be praying for you, my friend.

[Tertia]

wtf??? i am going to pour myself glass of wine because nothing makes sense any more.

bits crossed for you julia. what else can we do.

[Kathy]

There truly is power in prayer. I'm also pulling for divine intervention & still praying for you.

[Shelly]

Praying really hard for the heartbeat to get better and all is well with this baby.

[Kay]

UPPER 70's? an increase from 74? Wow. All I can say is wow. I know I kept refreshing like a maniac last week - hoping against hope that you'd post that the whole heartbeat thing was a mistake. I'm so sorry you have to wait until Thursday. You are in my prayers.

[terri c]

Don't know what to hope for so will settle for sending my best and crossing everything.

[cursingmama]

Geeze, if I didn't read you regularly I'd think you'd jumped to conclusions and were seeking drama; but I've been reading you for quite some time and know that all you really want is a non-drama baby. I'm so glad that you've found an OB that is your new best friend and that there is still hope for this baby, even if it turns out to be a drama queen. So, please continue to take those pills and good luck at your appointment on Thursday.

[Libby]

Holy flying cows! What the hell? WOW! I don't know what to say. I guess, just that I am here quietly hoping for divine intervention.

[Mallie]

Wow.

I'm hoping for the best for you.

[dayment]

*good luck good luck good luck*