Oh For The Love Of...

This is going to sound superstitious, but I don't think that Georgia Tech and Kansas are going to be meeting in the finals. I have this eerie premonition that my bracket masterdom is over. Curses.

I am ambivalent, generally, on the subject of D&Cs. I don't think they are a medical evil. I don't think they are a medical necessity. I think it depends upon how far along your pregnancy was and how you are feeling about the miscarriage and what might be happening in the rest of your life at that moment. Usually I find out that the heartbeat has stopped and I go home to wait to miscarry. Then three or five or seven weeks go by and nothing happens. No bleeding, no cramping- nothing. At that point my doctor du jour gets nervous and suggests a D&C and I say okey-dokey and there we are.

This time my OB and I discussed the options: misoprostol, natural, or  D&C. I listened politely to her review of the former (a day of intense bleeding and cramping at home followed by self-collection of the products of conception OR they could admit me for a day of intense bleeding and cramping at the hospital; the caveat was that the drug does not always work so I might wind up with a D&C anyway.) I tried to keep an open mind but, just between us, OH MY GOD how awful does that sound? I guess there are advantages to avoiding surgery but bleh. No thanks.

Besides, the single-most important thing to me in this post-loss scenario is trying to get genetic testing done on the embryo and the best way to accomplish this is by having a physician gather the POC (products of conception- I was trying to avoid typing that twice but I realized it is not exactly a universal acronym.) So I said if it was all the same to her I would prefer a D&C and she said no problemo, thus they set me up for a dilation and currettage tomorrow morning. At 7:30. Which means I have to be there at 6 AM so I have to get up at, what, 5:30? Is there a point in even going to bed at all if you have to get up at 5:30? Personally, I think not, so as soon as I am done writing this I am going to put on my favorite D&C sweatpants and go wait in the car.

Oh. Right. The car. Fuck.

Steve and Patrick went to pick up his parents from the airport Saturday morning (see previous gloating post.) Ten minutes after they left I got a call from Steve on the cell phone. A snow plow hit them while he was stopped at a stop sign. The plow actually went backwards 50 yards down a 55 mph road and then turned, still in reverse, and backed into them. They are both fine, but the car was destroyed in the front. Our insurance company will let us know tomorrow if it is totaled or if they think it will cost them less to repair it.

So:

1. Both of my NCAA finals teams are out of the tournament.

2. My one year old car was destroyed.

3. I have to get up in the middle of the night to have a D&C in order to do genetic testing on a pregnancy we spent almost twenty thousand dollars to achieve solely to make sure that I would not have to miscarry another genetically abnormal pregnancy.

You know what? I REALLY AND TRULY feel sorry for myself. And I hope your weekend was better than mine.      

Comments

[Janis]

You know what? You go right ahead and feel sorry for yourself! There is nothing wrong with that. You have been through so much that you need to take time to process it.

You won't heal overnight. You may never heal. But you learn to live with it. You may not always do a stellar job of living with it, but you learn. And part of that learning process is letting yourself feel everything, even the shitty stuff. It's all part of the grief work. Not saying that it doesn't suck ass though, because it does.

I'm glad Steve and Patrick were unharmed. I'm sorry your car is a mess.

Want me to send booze? Chocolate? A hitman for the snowplow driver?

Be gentle with yourself.

[Lisa]

Oh dear, Julia. You certainly have every right to feel sorry for yourself with the wrecked car, the visiting in-laws, the NCAA bracket disaster and the crack-of-dawn D&C. But the fact that you have favorite D&C sweatpants - well, that just reeks of unfairness. No one, NO ONE, should have favorite D&C sweatpants.

I hope tomorrow goes smoothly and that you get some answers about this loss.

[Lisa V]

Oh Julia, I feel sorry for you too. What a bunch of shitty stuff at once. I hope they trash the car and you get a new one. I hope everthing goes as smoothly as possible with the D&C. Hallmark doesn't seem to make a card for that. The basketball? Well we were rooting for U of A.

[FabGirlie]

Oh my. Here I was feeling WAY sorry for myself, from the bleeding of the leg (profusely) and having the children home ALL BLOODY week, but you my dear can go right ahead and BE TOTALLY SORRY FOR YOURSELF, because your past weeks totally beat mine.
Am so sorry to hear about the D&C. I've been so wishing that it was going to turn out into something the WHOLE INTERNET wanted.
Thank God only the car was harmed. It still does royally suck, I know.
I send warm spring wishes full of some fantastic Chardonnay and oodles of fine Belgian chocolate. (Won't help a bit, but the thought is there.)

[Mollie]

Hell, I feel sorry for you just because you live in a place where there are snowplows. Especially the kamikaze-style ones you describe.

Julia, it's all too much. You write with such humour and clarity and zing that it's hard to fathom just how much this all must weigh on your heart.

It certainly weighs on mine. Best to you tomorrow a.m., and I hope you get the vital information you need to proceed.

[Sarah]

What a convergence of crappiness. If you didn't feel sorry for yourself, I'd be worried.

Take care,
Sarah

[Pinkie]

It's OK...Go right ahead and feel sorry for yourself. You're entitled. The fact that you have the most sparkling sense of humour in the midst of all this knocks me out!I hope it helps, but I gave you my birthday candle wish yesterday. It's the first one I've EVER given to anyone so I hope it kicks in! Wish I could give you much more, Sweetie XXX

[ManhattanAnne]

Eee gads, you've been through a lot in a few days time. Times like this you recite, "that which does not kill us only akes us stronger" and then think, you know what I'll take death thank you very much. So, what can I say, except we're here in the computer urging you to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And ,in the tarnished lining department: allow me to point out the positive in the dawn D&C-- atleast you won't have to starve for hours NPO. I threw up at 6 in the morning on the day of my 3rd D&C, which wasn't scheduled until noon, and couldn't even have so much as a sip of water. When I finally woke up from the anesthesia at 2:30 PM, apple juice never tasted so good. I'll be thinking of you all...

[Cricket]

Wallow, you deserve it. I'm so shallow, that I'd be wallowing merely about the blasted car. You have a plate full and it's going to take a while to digest it. Wallowing is good for the soul.

[elisabeth]

oh Hon, I am so sorry. You have absolutely every reason wallow.....

[terri c]

I feel sorry for you, too! Will be thinking of you in the AM. Hope the car thing isn't too much of a pain; thankful no human was injured. Please take care of yourself... Oh, and btw I did my undergrad at Illinois. Not an easy thing to admit after they lost.

[Coralie]

Arrrrgggghhhhhhhh!

I am shaking my fist at the universe for you.

Best of luck tomorrow. I hope that it brings you closure and some answers.

[shannon]

The worst part of this post is the part that begins, "usually, I..." and finishes with your routine pregnancy-loss scenario. I am pissed as hell on your behalf that there's such a "usually" in your life. What the hell is wrong with the world, god-damn it?

Usually I don't curse on the internet, but Julia, this just fucking sucks.

[Kate]

You're just NOW feeling sorry for yourself?!?!

What a utterly wretched weekend. I am so sorry.

Thinking of you at 3:30 a.m. my time... I'm sure I'll be up.

[Jessica]

I'll have to admit I don't feel for you regarding point one. I tried. I looked deep inside meself, trying to muster every stray ounce of compassion, but there was none. You see, I find College Basketball INCREDIBLY BORING. :) The same goes for College Baseball, College Hockey, College Cricket, College Poker, College Crossstiching and every single College Sport known to man- and womankind. In fact, I don't care about ANY sports, amateur or professional. Not even Ultimate Frisbee. There. I said it. Flame away. He he.

But girl, I do incredibly feel for you regarding points two and three. It sucks to have a car that met a snow plow (backwards or forwards) and it sucks major Elephant Balls to have another D & C to look forward to tomorrow. I'm so sorry.

[Thalia]

Let me see...my husband got up at 0445 this morning, and i woke up and couldn't get back to sleep despite teh fact that I didn't have to get up til 0630... there was no milk left so I had to have soy milk on my cereal...there was no washing powder left so I had to leave the laundry dirty...my passport is in the glove compartment of my husband's car and I'm nervous someone will break in and steal it even though they haven't done so before...

Nope, can't do it. I was feeling very sorry for myself, mostly re the gettign up way too early, but the idea that you have to again go through a D&C and that your car is totalled just snaps me back to reality. I'm so sorry. Thank you for showing me that it's possible to be a great human being under such stress.

[Wavery]

Oh for the love of . . .

For Real?

I mean, seriously . . .

. . . Pfht.

[Kat BT]

Oh Shit, Julia. I'm so so sorry about the D&C. So bitterly sad for what you've been through.

Now, as for the basketball thing, you'll have to talk to my DH. I absolutely do not GET March Madness. And here I was thinking you and I had so much in common.

Take care sweetie.

[Boulder]

March Madness - Get it - LOVE it even, but couldn't muster it this year, so now I sit back & watch & theorize if I'd have chosen a winner (hard to be honest, truth be known.... Bucknell, yeah, I'd have picked them..... Ok, not, but who knows.)

D&C sweats? Have those too. SUCKS to have "the pair" - but is strangely a small comfort too in my world. Mine are gray stretch polartech. May we someday burn them.

Car? Never been backed into by a snow plow, but could send awesome pics of the time we slid off the road at a PAINFUL 3 mph in reverse in front of our home so that all the neighbors could come marvel at our stupidity. Glad everyone (minus the car, I guess) is ok.

But never had all of these three happen at once. With company from out of town.

I think you are entitled to feel sorry, hell I'd be worried if you weren't. I'll second the offer of alcohol, or whatever floats your boat, by mail.

Hoping all goes smoothly in the AM & that you are gifted some good meds upon your release.

[Jody]

Seems like anyone's weekend would almost HAVE to be better than yours.

Sucks about the car, and the tourney, and I continue to be very sorry about the pregnancy. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, and hoping everyone treats you gently, and well.

[Lioness]

Hell, I really and truly feel sorry for you too, how could you not and how could I not? I am SO sorry julia, this... What words could I possibly use? I hope the genetic testing gives you answers THAT ACTUALLY CHANGE SOMETHING FOR THE BETTER. Let's just be thankful this weekend will never again be.

[chris]

I'm so sorry. I'm glad your husband and son were okay. Scary. You probably know this, but don't let your insurance company screw you over on the car. I had an accident a few years ago which almost totalled the car but the "adjuster" from the company tried to give me a check for $2000--fortunately, I got another opinion. Sorry about the complete crap you're having to deal with. Anyway, take care.

[Kinneret]

Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, the universe dealt you an extraordinarily large hand of shit recently. It's totally fucking unfair.
Take care of yourself.
I'm sorry, Julia.

[Toni]

Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself...I don't think I could have taken all of that in one day...ugh.

I feel weird saying "I hope things go okay tomorrow" - b/c if you were okay, you wouldn't be going through this mess. But you know what I'm trying to say. Thoughts are definitely with you. Lots of them.

[meredith]

Well this just all sucks the big one. I'm so sorry. I do have one question, though..if you did PGD, wouldn't that have ruled out a genetic abnormality? This m/c sounds like a genetic problem, but is that possible given that they tested the embryo before implantion?

In any case, this is horrible, and the fact that you spent $20,000 to have the same result as when you humped for free is just a flick in the eye. Thoughts are with you..

Meredith

[Jen (yup, another one)]

Ye Gods! As a Crap-A-Rama sister, I fervently hope that you get a break soon. I'll be thinking of you this morning.

[Slim]

It would be hard not to have a weekend that was better than yours, and it would be wrong for you not to feel sorry for yourself.
BTW, those of us who feel sorry for you do so not in a pitying kind of way, but in a "Man, that sucks, and here are some simple carbohydrates and saturated fat just for you" kind of way.

[lizardek]

Geez louise, if ANYONE has a right to feel sorry for herself, it is, without a doubt, you. Hang in there.

[Tania]

Oh Julia, I know how you feel!!! I just lost a twenty week pregnancy due to abnormalties and all they can say is it was a "fluke" (no genetic prob.) My dear husband said, How the hell CAN you have a "fluke"? They did determine that I had a 2 vessel cord versus a 3 vessel cord!!

So you have every right to feel sorry for yourself, hell the night before I had to go in I dosed myself up on Tylox!!!! Great way to deal with it hu????

I have read all your diaries and have been following your blog for ever!!

So get drunk, eat chocolate by the pound (I did!!) do what ever it is to make YOU feel better!! Heck the night I spent in the hospital Mark brought me in a bag or Almond Joys and I ate the entire bag!!!

GOOD LUCK!!!!

[julia]

Oooh, 5:30 a.m. Sounds like hell. Wait! My silly toddler wakes up at that hour daily, this month. I think I'm going insane. Stark, raving mad.

Good luck today. I hope they are able to find out some good (useful) info from the POC. You know, you are a really brave and strong woman. Thanks again for writing.

[VHMPrincess]

are you kidding me?

Julia - I'm so sorry you have to go thru all of this - that you can still write and be funny amazes me...

Good luck today (you're probably done already)...

[Emily Drew]

For Pete's sake (though I don't personally know Pete, but I'm sure he'd appreciate your kindness), you poor thing. From now on, I'm going to step on no cracks in the sidewalks, sidestep ladders, and try not to break any mirrors just to try to help you break this stream of UGH that you've been having.

[andrea]

Delurking here ... it's all a lot to bear right now, but take care of yourself right now, okay?

[Moxie]

Oh, shit. All of this just sucks. If it makes you feel even the tiniest bit better, though, know that a lot of people are completely fucked for the Final Four. Straaange things have been happening this March Madness.

So did your doctor come and pick you up to give you a ride to the D&C?

[Ninotchka]

Damn, Julia. I feel sorry for you too. This is just CRAZY. I'll be thinking of you today, sweetie.

[Jenn]

I can't think of anything to say that will make you feel better, so I'll just send cake.

[Libby]

I feel so bad for you Julia, so sorry about the D&C, the car and your bracket. If it makes you feel any better, my picks totally sucked. I have Duke to take the whole thing but basically any other team I picked is out of it. Anyway, I am thinking about you and hoping for good things to come your way.

[Mandy]

The only thing I can think to say is the most honest, so I guess it makes sense.

I'm sorry. I wish you weren't having to deal with any o this. If I could change it, I would in an instant. If there were anything I could do, I'd do it. But as all I can do is think of you and send loving thoughts, that's what I'm doing today.

[Rebekah]

Oh Julia, I am so so sorry. I think that there would be something very wrong if you didn't feel sorry for yourself after all this. It really SUCKS. Big time!

I'm thinking of you today, and hoping you're doing o.k., despite all of this. Seriously, I'd like to send you a tub 'o' alcohol ... would that be acceptable?

[Emily]

Well for fuck's sake, you think you're feeling sorry for yourself? I think you're feeling what anyone would feel if they were dealing with the mountain of shit that has backed up on your doorstep. Honey, you're entitled to feel this way because what you're going through is so unfucking fair.

Sending much love your way and thinking of you.

[Annie]

You so deserve to feel sorry for yourself. I feel sorry for myself if I stub my toe! This is too much, too much. I can't even stand that POC acronym, it makes me want to cry and wretch all at the same time.

Thinking of you and hoping you're ok today.

[karla]

If you weren't feeling at least a little sorry for yourself, I would be worried about you. I'm so glad Steve and Patrick are ok. I am thinking of you and hoping things get better.

[Julie M]

I'd really and truly feel sorry for myself for a while too if I were going through this. You have been strong through all of these losses (evidenced by the fact that you survived) and feeling sorry for oneself is part of the surviving. I hope they get answers from the POC for you.

[Debe]

I feel sorry for you, too. This sucks

[Summer]

I'm feeling sorry too. For what it's worth, you're still #1 on my prayer list.

[-Blue]

Julia, my dear, this fucking blows large.

I'm so sorry.

All this and the Insurance company too? *whew*

Do whatever it takes to feel better.

-Blue

[Tania]

Hi Julia, me again....we can be D&C buddies this week.....over a month later they have decided to take this route!! (read previous post) LUCKY us!!!!

[Tine]

I thought my weekend was bad, but you win, girl. You need more gorgonzola. More wine. More chocolate. Oh, and more wine.

[Scully]

Hands down, you win the crappy weekend award.

I just had a migraine, two days of nausea and a stiff neck (again).

But enough about me.

Sorry to hear about the car. And of course, everything else.

Feel sorry for yourself. Wallow in it. It's your right.

[wix]

i think you have every right to feel sorry for yourself. i mean, damn.