Other Than That How Was The Play?

Thank you. Thank you so much for the messages. You (the collective you) kept saying that you knew the sympathy didn't help but it DID help. A metaphor, if you will:

If life can be imagined as a painted canvas, indeterminately sized, then this miscarriage could be visualized as a smear of grays and black. A dark space, a space that hurts. And yet all around it there are these sunny flecks of color, each representing a comment from one of you, or a phone call, or little package from friends and family. When you tack this metaphor up on the wall and stand back a bit, the overall effect is much cheerier than it otherwise would have been. This period of time is lighter; I am lighter. So thank you.

A rotten thing happened. I can wallow in the rottenness or I can feel grateful that I had all of these hands (fleshy and digital) waiting to pat my head and prop me back up again. I choose to feel grateful. Of course, I also choose to occasionally go into the backyard and scream at the squirrels for incessantly chattering in the face of my recent tragedy. Fucking squirrels.

I have spent the past few days forcing myself to cheer up. Periodically I find it is necessary to remind oneself, over and over in a relentless monotone, what is so very GOOD in life, lest one dwell too heavily upon the crap. I have repeated a hundred times a day, "Patrick is healthy. Steve is healthy. I am healthy. I have a rich, full life that is daily filled with joy and wonderousness. My feet have apparently stopped widening. We finally found the perfect rug to go in front of the window seat. My mother is healthy. My brother is healthy. The purple orchid is blooming again, despite being dropped stamen-down in the bathroom last October... ." At first I found this comforting once in three hundred repetitions. By yesterday I was being consoled every twentieth time. Improvement, you see. Small steps.

Yes, I am sad. Do I have to tell you how much we wanted this baby? Every time I think about all the time and effort and (oh god) money we wasted only to arrive at this macabre Groundhog Day again (it's not just that I am miscarrying encore, it is the fact that it is the SAME miscarriage that I have had three times in a row- not to mention the first four), I feel nauseous. When I consider what this means for our chance to ever have another child I go ahead and throw up.

And yet, I am not only sad. I am happy that I have friends and family and internets that care about me. I am delighted each and every day by Patrick's sense and nonsense. I am sort of madly in love with my husband. The basement is almost finished. I am reading a good book. My mother sent about fifty pounds of assorted teas. We have fun trips coming up.

It would be nice to have all of this AND the certainty of another child. It would be de-lovely to get pregnant and stay pregnant and have a baby at the end of it. Of course it would. And maybe it will happen, perhaps we will get lucky again. We won't stop trying, I know that, although the next step for us is very uncertain.

Right this instant, today, tonight, tomorrow, I am just concentrating on all of the things, little and big, that make me happy. And, at increasingly more frequent intervals, it is actually working.

So I think I am doing very well, thank you for asking.

Comments

[Lisa V]

You are amazing. This optimism will carry you through the dark days and the good days and lead to "what's next?". I am sorry the path to that place is rocky and twisty. I stood where you stand once, and I don't think I handled it nearly as well. I found the way to be a mother (again and again). I know you will too. Really there are bunches of us hoping for the best for you. I am glad you can see it for yourself.

[deborah]

Oh, Julia. You never cease to impress me. It is truly a privilege to visit your blog every day...I keep hoping that somehow a smidge of your remarkable attitude will rub off on me.

I wish you continued peace, my friend.

[Brooklyn Girl]

You may be the most graceful person I've ever "met." Wishing you brighter days and a long list of things to make you happy.

[Amy]

I've been quietly following your story for a while now and was thinking of you the past few days, waiting to hear how you are doing. Thank you for the lovely post. Good luck with whatever comes your way next.

[Kim]

Hey Julia!! So glad to see your post - I, along with all of your other cyberfriends, was getting worried. Keep doing whatever it takes to make you happy - maybe a big shopping spree at Mall of America would help?? =) Just take care and know that we're all still with you.........

[Danielle]

Your strength and wisdom are inspiring, but most impressive is your willingness to share your soul with people you don't even know. You have so much courage and, clearly, so much love to give. That's all I wanted to say.

[kristine]

All I can say is you are an inspiration! I'm sure that's what you were fishing for...:) just kidding!
But kudos to you for being so positive in the face of something that sucks so much ass. (...wonder if there's a Hallmark card for that sentiment...)

[Jody]

Julia. You're in my thoughts. I'm glad that you're doing okay, for today, and feeling well-provisioned for the unknown tomorrows. I'm still so sorry that this happened. My most fervent prayer for you is that it never ever happens again.

And meanwhile, I hope spring comes soon and you can open the windows and smell that indescribable scent of sunshine (and, alas, probably pollen) that arises when musty rooms start to breathe again.

I'm still so sorry.

[Kirrily]

Julia, you continue to be an inspiration to me (and obviously countless others). Thank you so much for sharing your journey - while healing, I'm sure at times it can't be easy.
I was hoping so much for that fairytale outcome, we are now so close to starting PGD ourselves... The reality is good to be faced with. Ahh, there's nothing like (yet another) slap in the face to throw you off, is there.

Sending you lots of smooshy cyber hugs and with you every step of the way.

[Coralie]

I am so sad for you, and so glad for you too.

The grace with which you meet your blessings and tragedies is an inspiration.

Still here, hoping for the best.

[Sheridan]

I think you are doing very well - it's a courageous and brave thing to do to stand up and count your blessings. So much easier to huddle in a cave and never want to come out. I have been thinking of you every day, waiting to hear how you are doing, and this post is better than I could have imagined.

Glad you have found some comfort from all your internet 'friends' that have sent messages. There are so many out there who really care, even though you may not know them.

Hang in there.

[Danae]

Love you, Julia.
Hate that your heart's been broken yet again.
Hoping for better days ahead.

[Rae]

Julia~
I am so glad you've posted again and so glad to hear that you are surviving - sounds silly I know, of course you'll survive but its the only word I can think of. It is so helpful for me to read this - we are standing on the brink of ttc again in the knowledge that this could very well lead to m/c # 5 - your post reminds me that should that happen there is still joy in my world. Thank you

[Cat, Galloping]

Have been thinking about you constantly over the past few days and will continue to do so as you try to figure out your next uncertain step and drink all of that tea.

[elisabeth]

so glad to see you posting again. I practically wore out my refresh button checking to see how you were. Let's drink. Together that is.
(((hugs)))
elisabeth

[Sarah]

keeping you in my thoughts.
Sarah

[Lala]

I, too, have been thinking about you everyday. Especially when I went...ahem...shopping. Would you please consider sending me your address so I can divest myself of these tokens of admiration?
Thanks,
Lauren(Ultimate references notwithstanding)

[Cathy]

You are more than amazing; you are extraordinary.

[Mollie]

You are the picture of grace. Truly. I second Brooklyn Girl, and I hope with all my heart that joy and colour dominate your canvas for all the years to come.

[Mandy]

Sometimes the hardest thing seems not to be the getting back up, but getting back up over and over and over again. Offering a hand whenever you need it and the hope that soon we'll be using the same hands to applaud a new arrival.

[silverthorn]

Sweet Julia, I've been so worried about you. I'm glad you are back in the saddle, so to speak. Spring is on its way. Everything is possible.

[Kether]

Amazing. Bless you.

[Amber]

Stay strong. Keep fighting. You will win.

[Amy J]

Julia, you and your family remain in my heart and prayers. Your grace and your spirit are par none. Many hugs and peaceful thoughts from another cyber friend.

[Bella]

So beautiful. So brave.

[Julia]

Julia,
The way you are handling this is amazing. May God bless you and I pray that you continue to handle this with grace and peace.

[Karen]

You are just so beautiful, and I am just so honored to be one of your friends.

I lurve you, muchly and fiercely.

[Jess]

You are so very brave and so very classy in the face of such sadness!

Hope the snow melts soon and spring brings lots of sunshine.

[Zoie]

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[Vicki]

I've been following your postings and your life day by day for several months. Thank you for taking the time and energy to put into such eloquent words the hopes and disappointment. It's been my experience (40 years as a fertile female and 30 years as a professional therapist in pregnancy and newborn loss) that women spend a sizable chunk either trying to get pregnant or trying not to- and it's very hard for one camp to fully empathize with the other. Although I had been busily dispensing advice on severe post partum depression for years I never knew what it was until my own Daniel came along. You and your friends help me understand what I should know. And you have a such a lovely and rich spirit, too- lucky Patrick! lucky Steve!
Thank you so much for opening your heart to strangers.

[Kate]

What Brooklyn Girl said.

[Karen]

Fabulous hearing from you again. Keep on keepin' on, my sister.

[wix]

HEEEY! how did you get your feet to stop widening?

[Dori]

Hang in there Julia. I feel your pain all too well. I have a balanced translocation myself. We have a 2 year old daughter but have also had 6 miscarriages. I too am not ready to give up no matter how many times I am knocked down.Here is a link to a wonderful message board for people or spouses dealing with balanced translocations. It has been a lifesaver for me, so nice to talk to people who understand. I hope you will check it out. HUGE HUGS!!! Dori
balanced translocation
6 miscarriages
1 daughter
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/balanced-translocations/

[Marivic]

Yah, fucking squirrels.

Thanks for the update. Chin up & all.

M.

[bec 35]

Hey, Julia, it is great to hear from you. We've all had you in our thoughts. Kisses to go with the hug sent previously, with a couple for Steve and for Patrick too.

xxxxxxxxx
bec

[CJ]

Praying for continued growing strength for you.

Oh, and do you want to borrow my bb gun for the chattering, chastizing squirrels???

[Rebekah]

Seriously, you are such an encouragement to anyone out here who has gone through a loss. Your attitude is amazing. I'm glad that you're doing well. Please know though, that if there comes a time when you are NOT feeling so well, and you need to howl and cry and shake your fist at the skies, we're all here for you.

I'm thinking of you and praying for your family.

[alice]

The squirrels. Damn the squirrels. We all love you, over here in these parts.

[Susy]

You're amazing. I'm glad you're back. I've been thinking about you a lot and feeling a bit worried.

While I want you to be happy ultimately, please know that it's perfectly ok if you're fucking miserable, and to blog to that affect. I'm the last person who will tell you that you should "be grateful for what you have"; it goes without saying that you are.

[Emily]

Julia,
You amaze me more every day. Wishing you brighter days ahead soon.

Much love,
Em

[dayment]

* keep getting better *

[Manhattan Anne]

Very glad to hear you're more or less OK. If you noticed that you blog ticker counted about a jillion more visits than you had comments, it's because about a zillion of them were from me. Thanks for letting us know how you're doing. I thought to myself that I don't know how you do it, how you find the strength to keep ging and going. But I guess the answer is you just do it. Really inspirational.

[sheilah]

[holding out my digital hand to you] Glad you are beginning to feel better. It sucks, I know.

...and yeah, about stopping that widening of the feet...?

[Menita]

So THIS is what amazing grace is all about.
I am thinking of you and wishing for brighter days ahead.

[martina]

Keep your head up & much love to you and your family

you are in my thoughts.

[KatBT]

Oh Julia, you are such an amazing woman. In spite of what you've been through you still have so much hope. The day before you got your bad news I blogged about optimism and hope, and I so desperately hoped this pg stuck for you. I've been too sick with heartbreaking sadness that a fellow BTer was going through such a nightmare, I haven't been able to write a follow up. And here I see you posting this beautiful post, with such hope and strength in the face of it all. I am just sitting here with tears streaming down my face again for you. I so wish that this wasn't so hard. Whatever your next step is for you, I wish you so much luck, and more hope, and more strength. I know this is a hard time for you. Just know you're in my thoughts. ~kat

[Elissa]

So very very sorry. Know that when you are asleep there are people in Australia sending you positive thoughts so tomorrow should be better.
Good luck
Elissa

[Toni]

Glad to hear that you are doing well. Giving you hugs from not so far away :)

[Tertia]

You are wonderful, I love you.