Sad

I am having a hard time.

Physically, this has been one of the worst miscarriages I have ever had. More bleeding, more cramping, more infected-veinedness than usual. I feel gross and sore and my ass still has lumps from the progesterone shots. I think they will be around forever, the only lingering testament to what $20K buys you these days.

I just hurt. I have counted my blessings until my fingers bled but I cannot seem to talk myself out of feeling sad. YES I love Patrick. YES Steve is... well, I adore Steve. YES I am grateful that we are all healthy. YES I like the new Persian rug and drinking wine and it will be nice to have the basement done but... none of these things are getting me out of bed in the morning.

OK. Something is obviously getting me out of bed. As far as the kitchen at any rate (hey, I added some recipes for you. more coming.) Habit is pushing me along, I guess. Responsibilities. But I feel leaden and poky and... sad. I didn't make an Easter basket for Patrick and I feel guilty about it. I will go to communist playgroup tomorrow but I will be sullen.

In the past my war-cry has always been: Never Again! Next Time We'll Try IVF!

Now I have no war-cry. I have no clear plan, no ace to throw that fate cannot fucking trump again.

I doubt my epitaph will read:

Here Lies Julia, She Failed to Have Second Child and Consequently Stayed Sad Forever

but there is a lot of ground to cover between beginning to doubt another baby is our future and learning to live with that fact.

So. I am sad.

Comments

[shelly]

I'm sorry you're sad. Hope better happens soon.

[Jaime]

Much love to you. Pretty sure there's nothing a person can possibly say to make you feel better, but if there was a way to take just a small part of your pain away, I'd bet everyone around you (both IRL and in net-world) would fall over themselves getting in line to do so.

So very very sorry you are having to go through this pain.

[oliviadrab]

I am so sorry Julia. I wish you didn't have to go through any of this. I'm thinking about you.

[Holly]

You are often in my thoughts. I pray you find peace soon. I don't know how, but I hope you're able to quickly.

So so sorry.

[Suz]

I'm sorry, Julia. I wish that you didn't have to feel this way.

[Tonya]

I'm sorry you're sad, dear friend. Your sorrow is understandable and completely warranted, but I wish I had some words to snap you out of it. I don't, but know that your sadness is my sadness.

[Jenn]

I wish I had something to say to make it better. Instead I'll send you some virtual chocolate cake.

[Jen]

I wish I had something insightful and helpful to say, but I don't. Just that I'm so very sorry for all the pain you're experiencing.

[Soper]

Oh, Julia.

(sigh)

Here is a joke the Lioness told me today:

Q. What's yellow and very, very dangerous hiding in that tree?

A. A tiny baby chicken with a machine gun.

[Lisa V]

You have every right to feel sad.

I know at some point you will have a new war-cry.

Another fucking growth experience, huh? I think we could all use a little less growing.

I am sorry.

[Kate]

Julia,

I read your blog but have never commented before. But I want you to know that I am thinking about you. And I believe that you'll feel happy again. Give it time.
So sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

[jen]

Oh Julia. I'm so sorry. Everything else I try and type is trite and blah. I've read your diaries/blog for a long time now, and feel . . . just sorry that you're going through this and wish there was something to do to take this sadness away.

[Leanne]

Julia,

I know that there is nothing I can say to take the hurt away, but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you.

Leanne

[BES]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling sad. I pray that happier days will come to you soon.

[Karen]

Julia,

I am sorry you are sad, and I wish that you didn't have to suffer this loss or any other. I know that tomorrow Patrick will make you smile with one of his brilliant remarks, and Steve will bring some bright light into your life in his own Steve way and that in the right amount of time for you these moments will outweigh the sad ones. Until then, count on me and the other internets to be standing by to support you in the sad days.

Karen

[Linda]

I am sad with you.

[Mollie]

Well, I have to say that I think you'd be stark raving mad not to feel sad, dear Julia.

Mourning is not precluded by other blessings. I hope I said that correctly. I'm not sure what prepositions to use at a time like this.

xoxo

[elisabeth]

I am sorry you are in a funk. You have every reason to be. Patrick will suffer no ill effects from not having had an Easter basket. Honestly I think you should blow off the communist playgroup tomorrow and go tiara shopping. It's bound to make you feel better.

[Kate]

I'm sad with you, sad for you.

And why, oh why, Universe, could Julia not be spared the bleeding and cramping?

[moogielou]

I'm so sorry. I am no stranger to sadness related to this type of loss and feeling like there is no game plan so I really can relate.

Please take good care.

[Jody]

Yeah. You've earned sad in buckets.

There's pretty strong evidence that you won't be sad forever. I do think that's a safe call. But last I checked, sad goes underground if you try to bully it, and then it's even harder to get rid of. Might as well just let it run its course.

Duh, you already know this. But, just be obnoxious--it's okay to be sad. Even with all the other excellent stuff, sad is okay.

Well, I mean, sad SUCKS, but what else are you going to do?

Here's hoping the communist playgroup gives you something to laugh snarkily at.

[JerriAnn]

I was cruising through and saw your blog entry. My heart goes out to you. I remember sobbing to my mom over the phone once about my troubles. I told her between sniffs, "i know this stuff is suppose to build character, But i'm character enough!" I hope you find something to make you smile today.

[Emily]

I'm sorry Julia. I'm thinking of you and sorry you're sad.

xxoo,
Em

[KatBT]

Oh Julia,
I'm so very sorry you're going through this.

You've so totally earned feeling sad. But I know it's shitty, and awkward. Even when you've gone through the roughest times, you seem to be someone who is, at your core, pretty upbeat. Sad just rips the carpet out from under you. But sad really IS ok, and normal; it might even be followed by bitter rage, and complete disbelief, and then more sad, before you feel normal again. (As if you'll ever feel "normal" again... but you know what I mean.)

After I had my 4th miscarriage (because of our f*&%ing translocation) I was devastated and coming unglued and truly scraping the bottom of the "sad" barrel. My DH and I spent a long weekend in Catalina Island, drinking like fish, basking in the sun, and having a weekend free of baby thoughts. I was surprised how much it helped me screw my head back on. I don't mean to say you should do something like this, or that it's even logistically possible (or desirable) with Patrick at this age, but I mention it because I can so totally relate to where you are right now. I just wish I could help you through it better than some stupid futile online comment.

Sometimes I lurk back on the INCIID Genetics Support Forum, but mostly I found that I had to deal with the grief and anger and the "sad" myself. (We also didn't tell anyone in our lives about it, so we were pretty alone through it all.)

I can't remember if you said if anyone in your communist playgroup knows what you've been through, or about the IVF, but I hope it's bearable tomorrow... or that you just bail on it altogether and spend the day doing something for yourself.

Sorry for rambling and hope you don't mind any implied unsolicited assvice. I can't seem to post a concise comment to save my life.

Thinking of you,
Kat

[Rhonda]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I experienced very similar sad stuff right around the same time.

I hope the future brings better news and happier days for you, for me, for all of us.

[Karen]

Here's a virtual *hug* from Atlanta.

Only thing I can offer you. There's a lot of people pulling for & thinking of you.

[wessel]

I'm new to your blog. I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. People who have infertility should never have to have miscarriages. But that's in a perfect world.

[Lioness]

So sorry Julia, so sorry you are so sad and that you have so many reasons to be. I'm thinking of you.

[Thalia]

Julia I'm so sorry that you're so sad. I understand a little bit - I feel pretty sad each month we are not pregnant but I know it's nothing to what you've been through. I'm thinking of you.

[Pam]

Julia,

I'm so sorry you are sad! I wish I had something to say to make it all better but I don't. I will say that this will pass in time and I have to say with your determination, I know you'll find a solution to the issue. You are a strong person and I admire your fortitude. I don't think I could have handled all you've gone through. And you know, it's okay to hurt, to mourn and be sad. Stiffling that would be unnatural.

As for the Easter basket, no worries, Patrick hasn't a clue and you could when you feel better have a faux Easter and make him a basket then. He's a todd, he can't tell time and doesn't get the calendar yet. For the past 3 years, we've had Christmas on a different day for our now almost 5 year old (travel and what not). NOT a clue. And you can get the candy 50% off!

HUGS to you and I hope you find your way through all this!

Pam

[Toni]

I wish there was something that I could say that would cheer you up...I'm thinking that time will be the best cure. However, if there's anything you need, please let us know!!

(I can send chocolate and cookies if needed).

[Lauren]

I'm sad too. But I have pretty, flowered things here with your name on them.

[Slim]

I am all for deceiving toddlers whenever possible. Patrick's so clever you won't get many chances--seize the few you get.
Although if you did make him an Easter basket, you'd have access to a whole lotta candy, which couldn't hurt (I don't know what would help, unfortunately, or I'd clue you in).

[Christine K]

I'm so sorry. And sad for you. After m/c #7, I just felt empty. I couldn't imagine doing any more - it was too hard. But eventually I got myself back to myself and had that same thought you did - there's IVF waiting for me. I can't really even begin to imagine how I would have felt on the other side of that last hope with another loss.

Sad is okay at this point. Even, dare I say it, normal? (wouldn't you know it - your one brush with normal!!?). I bounced back to anger an awful lot though.

Thinking of you,

[ManhattanAnne]

Ah, Julia, I just ache for you. What you're going through right now is just one of the hardest things a woman can. The first month after a miscarriage is the worst, the hormones combined with all the intellectual reasons for grief have you spiraling madly between resignation, despair, and determination until you feel physically and psychically ill.

Just be very very good to yourself every day for the next 30 days (or however long it takes for that effing period to return). If you can survive this first month or so, you'll have new energy and perspective, for grief work, for fertility work-ups or whatever work lies in you future. Don't try to work now. Just rest, just be. Feel what you feel and do the best you can every day. We're all here thinking of you. And too many of us have a pretty good idea of what you’re going through…

[Sherry]

It is so incredibly normal, and OK, to be sad.

I'm so sorry...for everything.

Hoping the universe lets up soon...

[terri c]

Ah, Julia. So wish I had a magic solution to offer. Warm gentle thoughts will have to do, I'm afraid--but they are coming your way.

[Libby]

I am sad too. I am so sorry Jules.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry Julia. Lots of out here thinking about you and wishing you a quick end to the physical and emotional pain. Lots of wine and Easter candy should help.

[Debe]

Some part of me is sad forever about never having a child, but other parts of me seem to go on. I think that is the way grief works. I'm so sorry you have to go through this

[Karen]

I'm sad you're sad.

[Annie]

I'm really sorry as well. It is so very sad to lose a much wanted baby and it takes as long as it takes to feel better.

[Mandy]

Sometimes there is no talking yourself out of sad, and with everything you've been through, sad is very understandable.

Thinking of you.

[Sandy]

I too, am sad to read that you're sad because it really is just totally unfair, but glad that you're posting about it. I think your epitaph is going to read (to steal liberally from Maya Angelou)
"you are a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's you..."

I was feeling pretty good about just getting a big bunch of deals at Walmart this morning, and then placing it all on the kids' beds as if it has been there since Sunday morning. I deceive them regularly and have no plans to spend my savings on their therapy bills.

Thinking of you.

[Erica]

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. You have every reason to feel that way, and while I would recommend eating your weight in chocolate and the take-out ethnic food of your choice, how you cope with your feelings is entirely up to you. There's no timetable, there's no list of things you should or shouldn't do, and if anyone tries to make you feel badly about grieving, please let me be the first to smack them around. A lot.

[grumpygirl]

julia, this just plain sucks. i'm so deeply sorry that you have to go through this.

chocolate always helps some, and i believe it helps raise endorphins; that always my excuse to not feeling guilty after i've eaten it.

[Christine]

Sending along many, many kind thoughts. Please be sad for as long as you want/need. You've certainly earned it.

[Christine]

Sending along many, many kind thoughts. Please be sad for as long as you want/need. You've certainly earned it.

[Christine]

Sending along many, many kind thoughts. Please be sad for as long as you want/need. You've certainly earned it.

[liz s]

Julia,

You should feel sad/mad/angry/cheated/etc.

If you feel up to it, will you e-mail me? I am writing a paper for work and I would really like some feedback from you. It is very sensative and deals with perinatal loss. So if you want to just blow this request off, I will understand. However, you are so articulate and have lived through so much. Your input would help me so much.

elizabeth.smith@hsc.utah.edu

Take care of yourself and if you don't want to get out of bed for a while it is OK. You are strong, but sometimes you need to be selfish.

liz