Sad

I am having a hard time.

Physically, this has been one of the worst miscarriages I have ever had. More bleeding, more cramping, more infected-veinedness than usual. I feel gross and sore and my ass still has lumps from the progesterone shots. I think they will be around forever, the only lingering testament to what $20K buys you these days.

I just hurt. I have counted my blessings until my fingers bled but I cannot seem to talk myself out of feeling sad. YES I love Patrick. YES Steve is... well, I adore Steve. YES I am grateful that we are all healthy. YES I like the new Persian rug and drinking wine and it will be nice to have the basement done but... none of these things are getting me out of bed in the morning.

OK. Something is obviously getting me out of bed. As far as the kitchen at any rate (hey, I added some recipes for you. more coming.) Habit is pushing me along, I guess. Responsibilities. But I feel leaden and poky and... sad. I didn't make an Easter basket for Patrick and I feel guilty about it. I will go to communist playgroup tomorrow but I will be sullen.

In the past my war-cry has always been: Never Again! Next Time We'll Try IVF!

Now I have no war-cry. I have no clear plan, no ace to throw that fate cannot fucking trump again.

I doubt my epitaph will read:

Here Lies Julia, She Failed to Have Second Child and Consequently Stayed Sad Forever

but there is a lot of ground to cover between beginning to doubt another baby is our future and learning to live with that fact.

So. I am sad.

Comments

[April]

It's o.k. to be sad - don't let anyone tell you differently. Take care of yourself and trust that it's perfectly acceptable to give in to this sadness right now - and for as long as you need to.

Thinking of you - with a heavy heart.

[Michelle]

Julia, I wish I had something to say that could "snap you out of it", but I know there is nothing like that. I'm in the same place emotionally that you are right now, walking around, getting by, but very sad inside. (Also dealing with secondary infertility and miscarriage.) You know what doesn't help at all, despite what people say? "Counting your blessings". For me, that makes me feel worse - like why can't I be happy - I have a child, a good husband, my health - I don't have a "right" to be sad. I did talk to a counselor who specializes in infertility and miscarriage issues, and she told me that I do have a "right" to be sad, sad is normal for what I (we) have been through. For some reason, just having someone acknowledge this made me feel a bit better. I'm assuming the all-encompassing sadness just takes time, but it will get better, it has to.

[Sheridan]

It's OK to be sad. I'm sad for you too. Thanks for sharing it with us. I'm always touched by your honesty.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

I'm sad with you too.

[Monica C.]

I'm so sorry Julia, about all of this. I'm hoping that the sadness fades quickly, giving way to better days. Sending prayers and hugs your way,

[Kathee]

Julia,

There is nothing worse then being sad. The beginning of last month I had my "breakdown" and could not function for over 2 weeks. I had life to attend to and I just could not get out of bed. And I stayed there for days. It is one day at a time for me. I could sit here and say it will get better for you but I can't. I wish I could take your pain and sadness and kick the shit out of it. Again, I can't. All I can tell you is that you are without a doubt one of the strongest people I "know". Somehow, someway you will be ok. {{HUGS}}

[Simone]

I'm sad too.
Come here..I wanna give you a big hug.

[Tania]

Julia----I am cumiserating with you!!! I am so sorry you have to go thru this...I know they say God dosen't give you more then you can handle, but I ask myself all the time how much more does he think I can handle before going over the edge!!!
I can write every cliche there is, but they are just words, if I could give you a really big hug and say it will get better I would!!

Keep your chin up my dear!!!

Tania

[Tania]

In writting my post I forgot to post about the easter basket, Patrick won't remember, believe me, and after suffering the loss I wrote about previously I ended up giving Lexie some books and flashcards in a previously used easter basket, the only real easter basket she got was from my SIL!!!! I didn't even have the energy to do for my neice and nephew who I adore....

My thought was that Lexie is young enough and will never know that her mum couldn't get her shit together for easter the year she was 2.5yrs old!!!

The best easter gift you could give was just being together as a family and enjoying each other!!!

Tania

[Tertia]

oh J, i can so understand. all the time while i was pissing around with iui's etc i kept thinking 'at least i have ivf to fall back on'. when my first ivf failed i was devastated. if ivf didn't work then what was next? nothing. there was no plan B. then the second one failed. and the third. you are supposed to get pg by the third ivf. well, as you know, it took me six (fresh) ivf's. not that it will take you six ivf's. oh lord, i've just depressed you further.

was trying to say i understand that feeling. ivf is supposed to work. its our fall back plan. but take heart, its not supposed tp work the first time, at least not for us.

fuck, none of this is coming out right. let me just say i'm so sorry. and that i love you.

dont give up hope

xxoo

[Rae]

Julia

I'm so sorry

That sad, crushing feeling after yet another loss is so hard to escape and makes it so hard to go about normal life when our lives seems so far from normal its almost comical. The knowledge that we've survived before makes us think this should be easier but it never is.

You are so right that there is a VERY big chasm between beginning to doubt another baby is in ourfuture and learning to live with this fact. In my case its a chasm I haven't even attempted to bridge yet, but all along I know that the edge is too close for comfort...

I'm so very sorry Julia

Rae

[Kirrily]

You're such a special, gifted, beautiful, articulate woman. No doubt you know the way out of this, even if you can't quite see the path just yet. But you'll know it when you see it. And until then, there IS Steve and there IS Patrick...and of course the chocolate.

I'm with you on this journey, it pains me immensely to read what you are experiencing (our own PGD date is a little tooo close now) but I appreciate you sharing it all so very much. Thinking of you often.

Warm cyber hugs coming at ya from Melb, Aust.

[Anita]

It's very sad. I'm sad for you.

Again, I'm not "that kind of psychologist," but your feelings are what they are. Feelings aren't right or wrong: they just are.

I think you should allow yourself to feel whatever you feel whenever you feel it. And when it's time for your feelings to change, they will.

I can't imagine feeling not feeling very sad right now.

[Laura K.]

Sad with you, and so, so sorry.

Laura

[Catherine]

Sending extra hugs during this terribly difficult and sad time......Catherine

[Jessica]

Julia,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm always wishing the best for you. When you can't seem to take it anymore or be hopeful any longer know that there are tons of us out here that offer our hope and optimism or sympathy or whatever you need. Take care,

Jess

[Cathy]

Julia,

I'm sad for you, too. This is awful. But maybe you don't have to give up your warcry. You do still have options, like IVF with PGD and a complete karyotype workup, or using a gestational surrogate, if there's some other reason for your miscarriages. But it all sucks. It shouldn't be this hard. I'm hoping you feel better very soon.

Cathy

[Cathy]

Julia,

I'm sad for you, too. This is awful. But maybe you don't have to give up your warcry. You do still have options, like IVF with PGD and a complete karyotype workup, or using a gestational surrogate, if there's some other reason for your miscarriages. But it all sucks. It shouldn't be this hard. I'm hoping you feel better very soon.

Cathy

[Denise]

Julia,

I'm so, so sorry. I stumbled across your blog accidentally and started to read. I cannot imagine how you feel. I am sure the depth of your sorrow is great and you have every right and reason to grieve and to be sad. I too have a child; she will be 3 May 22nd. I experienced the miscarriage of my 2nd child 2/11/05 at 11 weeks... funny how that date is just emblazoned in my head. I honestly thought my world would end. The pain was so great it was almost unbearable. I would imagine your pain is 100 fold to mine.

Yet you are an amazing women, you give encouragement to anyone who has tried and loss. Yes, of course you have your bad days, we all do, but you manage to get over them with such zest and zeal and with such a love of life. I’m still muddling and wallowing in my self-pity and sorrow. You have given me strength to believe; you have also showed me it’s ok to be happy and to still love life. Thank you.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and in my prayers. I pray your love of life will soon return and so will your happy smile.

Denise

[Jo in Boston]

Dear Julia,
I'm so sorry this one didn't work out. You have every reason to be sad. I have a five year old son conceived through IVF after eight years of infertility and I admire your strength and courage just attempting to have another child.

[patricia]

Oh yes. I know. I am sad too. There's no getting around it.