Scorchingly Inconclusive Again

Hmmmm.

I had my second ultrasound this afternoon and it was, yet again, slightly unsettling. Last week, as you may recall, the machine at the OB's office (the old and decrepit one) was unable to measure either the embryo or the heartbeat so they sent me to a radiologist. Today this was no longer the case, as even on the crappy machine the embryo was clearly much larger and the heartbeat was thumping away in the center of it. So... good, right?

Well,  when she measured the heartbeat it averaged about 93 bpm. Just so you know, if that is accurate it is without question a miscarriage waiting to happen. It is my understanding that embryonic heart rates should increase 3 bpm per day. Last week it was around 107 so I was hoping it would be about 130 right now. 

However, I don't know... I just don't believe it. God knows I have been wringing my hands and moaning, "It's doomed... DOOMED!" for weeks. It is certainly no secret that I am dour and pessimistic about all things pregnancy. And yet, I think that the embryo looked just about right and I don't think that that horrible ultrasound machine could locate a parade if it marched up my cervix. I watched as she tried (and failed) to get the cursor to meet up with the little blinking bit. I watched as she consistently placed it a smidgen to the left or a fraction to the right. And I listened as she explained that sometimes their machine only measures half the beats. Gr-e-a-t, I thought, an ultrasound machine in 2/4 time.

So I don't know what to tell you. On the face of it this totally sucks but I submit that we should ignore the Evidence of the Ultrasound and think positively for a change. I know this is a total reversal of policy and I apologize for the abrupt platform shift but I just cannot get too worked up about another questionable ultrasound by the Death Star 1000.   

You are probably asking yourself why I keep returning to this little clinic on the prairie. The reason is that I had an OB I really liked. He knew me, he knew my history and he let me order my own testing. Then he left the practice at the end of December and I was horrified but I had no time to find a new doctor before we started IVF. And I was by no means certain that IVF would result in a pregnancy, so why flip out about finding a new OB until I needed one?

For the past few weeks I have been coasting along by talking to the local nurses and having the DC IVF clinic send ultrasound and bloodwork orders. This has been fine but I decided I needed to actually talk to a doctor at some point. Either the pregnancy was going to progress and we would need an OB to order the genetic testing, or the pregnancy was going to fail and I would need someone to decide how to proceed with the miscarriage. 

So I checked out the other doctors in the practice and picked one. I scheduled a consult with him for after the ultrasound today and hoped we would be able to cobble together a strategy for the next few weeks.

Unfortunately we instantly became sworn enemies and I was forced to staple his tie to the exam table upon leaving. I am just sorry I didn't give him an ultrasound while I was at it.

Seriously, I fucking hated this guy.

I could go on and on about our failure to achieve rapprochement but I can sum it up in the following exchange.

(After listening to him incorrectly explain CVS for three minutes and then having him stand up to leave) Me: Wait, I am concerned about the ultrasound I just had and would like to discuss it.

Him: Um, 107 last week, 93 today... yeah that looks ok.

Me: (incredulously) Really? But that's a decrease.

Him: We feel anything between 90 and 100 is appropriate [TOTAL FUCKING LIE]. Also, the heartbeat doesn't stabilize until 8 weeks so fluctuations are normal [Ditto that].

Me: I have to be honest, this looks like every early miscarriage I have ever had. Normal ultrasound at 6 weeks, slower heartbeat at 7 weeks, no heartbeat at 7.5 to 8.5 weeks. I think under the circumstances a follow-up ultrasound next week would be appropriate.

Him: I disagree. Even if that is true and you are going to miscarry it is not like we can give you medicine to prevent it. 

Me: Don't patronize me, you bug-eyed, pasty-faced fuck.

Actually that last bit is my fantasy response but, seriously, show of hands here. Can anyone see the advantage in determining if embryonic demise has taken place PRIOR to going for CVS testing with the perinatalogist at ten weeks? Anyone? 

Ultimately I prevailed and I scheduled another ultrasound with them for next Monday, but I was so irritated that I had to negotiate this in the first place. I mean, if seven miscarriages don't buy you an extra ultrasound or two (especially in the face of today's dubious ultrasound findings) I cannot image what will. I hate to pull the Tragic Hysteric card, but, fuck me. Just give me the goddamned appointment already.

So I came home and created a little doll in the image of this new OB and burned it thoughtfully over the sink. After there was nothing left but a smoldering pile of ash I made a few phone calls.

1. Shizzle Grovizzle has agreed to fax orders to any radiologist I want for another ultrasound anytime I like. Say, tomorrow. Good ol' ShaGro. 

2. I researched every other obstetrical practice in the area, called the one I liked and spoke to one of their nurses at length. I then talked to their business office and another nurse who had to check whether my anticipated due date lined up with the OB schedules "since every doctor here delivers their own babies." This seems rather acrobatic, but I knew what she meant and appreciated the sentiment. The upshot is that I have an OB appointment with a nurse there on Thursday. We will schedule another ultrasound with them, hopefully for next Monday. If everything looks ok I will see one of their doctors in two weeks.

3. I called to transfer my medical records to the new practice.

4. I called to cancel my future appointments with the old practice.

So, yeah, DON'T patronize me you bug-eyed pasty-faced fuck or I will take the gold mine that is my habitually aborting self and go make some other OB's boat payments.

Ass.

Tomorrow: Something else.

Comments

[sinda]

WAH! I hate this inconclusiveness - inconclusivity - you know - that you are having to go through. Hurray for you for asserting for what you are so rightly due.

[Andrea]

You are so overdue for some better days than that! I can't believe with an ultrasound like that and your overly interesting past that your former clinic wasn't treating you a little better. I hope the new one is OB/GYN nirvana. And I wouldn't be making any bigjudgment calls based on a u/s like that, either.

When I was pregnant and paranoid after a miscarriage, my husband and I (only sort of jokingly) priced ultrasound machines on eBay....maybe you should consider just buying your own? Skip the technicians, the insurance paperwork, the orders, etc.

[Jane]

Yay! I think?

Heartbeat, good.

New doctor, good.

Ditching bad doctor, excellent.

I still have my fingers crossed for you.

[Vaughn]

Good for you for standing up for yourself. I would have been like um but no... do you think....

Where I live in Canada we have to go to an ultrasound place where all they do is ultrasounds. The lovely technician told me "well its alive today" at my eight week ultrasound. This is after three previous miscarriages. Nice. When I went to see my doc a week later to discuss the results, I asked her why the tech would say something that way and her only explanation was "sounds like she needs some people skills."

I hope you get better results, AND someone who isn't a complete idiot to discuss them with. Not to much to ask is it? I think not.

[Elizabeth]

"So, yeah, DON'T patronize me you bug-eyed pasty-faced fuck or I will take the gold mine that is my habitually aborting self and go make some other OB's boat payments."

LOL. I mean, it's not funny at all that you are a habitual aborter, but OMG, LOL!!

Julia, I lurk here quite often, actually since the lovely iparenting days. I am really pulling for you. And you're are so damned funny, I think I just wet my pants.

[wix]

you are so cool.

[Chi Zit]

I would have formed a Bound Enemy Doll out of the ultrasound tape and gone home to smash all my clay pottery. This guy sounds like he really enjoys lies. Oh, and lying. (Did I mention he sounds like a dick-in-waiting?)

I am keeping you in my best thoughts.

[elisabeth]

If the magic you are looking for doesn't happen at the new docs office remind me to ask a friend who is a wonderful general prac doc in Hastings if he has any names for you. You would love Rik, he drinks like a fish, is generous to a fault, and loves redheaded women. Not in the literal sense on that last one, as his wife is a blonde...but anyway.....hope there is good news soon.

[Wavery]

You are such a stud. May I walk in your every other footstep.

[m]

Well, since the OB came up with a "not measurable" heart rate last time, 93 in voodoo medicine metrics could actually be interpreted as something good. You can't really do the math here without at least the other half of the second set of data, but if 0 or something like it = 107 on the real machine, then 93 must = something like 9951. That's good, right? Well, here's hoping you get good results tomorrow!

[Anna H.]

Hoping for conclusive good news soon.

xxoo

[Brad]

Can I tell you how much I enjoy the fact that you can (semi-)objectively view your pregnancy struggles as a gold mine for the doctor and withhold said gold mine when said doctor is, as you so eloquently put it, an ass. I know you've had your share of tears, but I'm glad you can view the commodity value of long-range health problems. I would think at this point you deserve to have (at the very least!) Dr. Huxtable himself looking for his new schooner in your cervix.

[Sheridan]

Oh Julia, fancy having to put up with these clowns after everything you have been through. Yes, you have definitely earned an extra ultrasound or two.

My vote is also to ignore the Evidence of the decrepit old Ultrasound.
Half the beats?? WTF?? That would make 186...now that's more like an overachieving embryo.

So pleased to hear that you have taken your gold mine elsewhere. What an asshole.

Everything still crossed here for you.

[Kat (Maternity Genes)]

Hey Julia,
Oh gosh, sweetie. I'm so sorry you're still living with this inconclusive bullshit. Yes, after all those mces you've earned a fucking ultrasound every week if you damn well want one. What an asshole doc... I actually had a couple of real asshole OBs handling my MCes before I was diagnosed with the translocation and now have an OB I adore. I hope this next week brings more solid information, and a much better doctor that can fill you with more confidence. ~kat

[Elissa]

Seeing as you're paying for his boat, the least he can do is to give you another ultrasound - even if it's only to pay for a bottle of Chardonnay to be sipped while sailing.

Fingers and toes crossed for next week.

[Mollie]

Huh?

Oh, God. And: ass.

You deserve a boat today.

[Mollie]

Huh?

Oh, God. And: ass.

You deserve a boat today.

[Tertia]

Fuck!!! We hate inconclusive. but does sound promising to me.

maybe your child is just slow? a bit thick like julie?

[Laura K.]

It sometimes measures half-beats? You've got to be kidding me! I'm glad that you feel the embryo looks good for this stage in the game - that's better news, but I was really hoping you'd have a better u/s this time around.

Glad you are leaving the office del nimrod. He sounds like a complete idiot.

Maybe you'll get lucky and the new Ob's office will give you an u/s right then and there? Seriously, if they have the availability and are able to do it, tell them the whole story and I bet they will. Or, just come to MI and go to my dr's office - she'd fit you in in a heartbeat (what, too far?).

Laura

[Brooklyn Girl]

You are a goddess for handling such stunning incompetence with grace. Wishing you conclusivity and a machine that measures all the beats. Good lord.

[Cat]

Good for you. Here's to good times at the new place.

[Joy]

Damn this is scary! I had virtually the SAME experience this last weekend as I went in with some bleeding that scared the crap out of me. I got Doctor Dumb and Nurse Dumber (I wrote about it on my blog) and everything they told me was preceeded by "sorta, maybe, possibly." Hell, I thought I was 6+ weeks, but they told me the gestational sac was 5 weeks, 1 day. I have to follow up in four days to see if I can actually find a competent sonographer and a machine that can measure something smaller than a football. ARRRGGGGGH. This truly sucks, but, but, but...like you, I have this smidgen of hope in spite of their idiocy.
Hang in there...your nail biting friend,
Joy maybe 5 weeks, maybe 6 weeks pregnant?

[Christine K]

Oh dear. I was getting really worried last night when I finally had to give up and go to bed without an update. While certainly not the news we wanted to hear, I'm holding out hope that at least it's not the worst possible news.

I agree - Thursday pull out all the puppy-dog faces- the tears if needed- and see if the new office will take pity on you (and us) and get an ultrasound by a machine not powered by hamsters. Why even have the damn machine if it's that bad?

[Toni]

Totally agree with dropping shitty doctor. Totally agree that u/s machine is piece o crap that you should ignore.

TOTALLY agree with my original thought - women who go through THIS MUCH to have a baby should have a doctor that understands that. Stupid medical community - you've come up with all types of specialities...why not this one??

[Jody]

Yeah, I'm inclined to doubt the U/S machine, too. Sounds like party-time for the incompetent and the assholish over there. "This machine sometimes misses half the beats?" Um, anyone else thinking it's time to BUY A NEW F*(&&*^* MACHINE?

Glad you could walk out on the idiot, too.

Onward and upward.

[A]

I'm sorry about the inconclusive u/s. That sucks royally and doesn't help to put anyone's mind at ease. You are still in my thoughts and I hope that this little sprite pulls through!

As far as pasty face asshole goes... kudos to you for dropping his ass like a bad habit. Should I send the mob over now or wait a few more weeks so its not so obvious? Assmunch!

Love,
A

[Soper]

Maybe the baby is just really, you know, laid back. Cool. Afterall, he was conceived with the help of Shizzle Grovizzle. He's all like, "Whatever."

Don't you think somebody should make a card for repeat miscarriers, where we get like a free frozen yogurt or something for every third one?

[deborah]

Glad you had the sense to high-tail it outta there without missing a beat. Which is more than I can say for that jurassic-era ultrasound machine.

It's all good, Julia. Still thinking nothing but happy thoughts about your precious cargo.

[Anita]

F-fucking-men.

There is no need to give that fuck face doctor money when he is, indeed, a fuck face. I wish I'd left my OB when at the first visit the nurse asked why someone as old as I am wanted to have a baby. (Nope! Not kidding)

I ignored it and during delivery my pasty ass fuck face forgot to transfer a vital piece of information from my gyn to my ob chart which ended up forcing me out of the hospital b/c I was not in labor only to return an hour later bleeding fresh red blood, 8 cm dilated, and very, very frightened.

Leave the fucker and take your good money to someone nice. And be sure and complain about what a dolt the last guy was b/c that will make the new ones be nicer! :-)

(Sorry for so many f bombs.)

[Dooneybug]

Awesome! I would have done the same exact thing. Some doctors think the patient will just take their crap. I'm glad you took action and found a new place. And if the new place is bad too, keep looking until you find the right one for you. Good luck to you, I've been following your story for awhile and I wish you all the best!

[LizM]

I'm pretty sure that the M.D. after his name stands for
Mongoloid Dipshit....or something like that :-)
Obviously he thinks that having his medical degree gives him permission to dismiss you an unimportant. He must be on some sort of power trip and doesn't want you, "the clueless patient" to give the orders since that would undermine his authority.
What an ASS!!!!!

[Jill]

I'm so glad you followed your instincts and left the asshole, Julia, even if it means having to deal with shitty u/s equipment. As much as the u/s news wasn't exactly what you'd hoped to hear, I hope you can keep reminding yourself that the results are unreliable. Add me to the list of your cybersupporters out here who have you in our thoughts and are pulling for you all the way. Maybe every *other* ultrasound will yield an accurate heartrate, eh?

[Tine]

Yay, an update! Yay, a heartbeat! Yay, growth! I was refreshing all day yesterday, sending good juju, thinking of you. You say, "I don't know... I just don't believe it." I'm with you. That entire office (staff, equipment, everything) sounds like a nincompoop festival. I'm glad you've ditched 'em.

[Krissy]

I agree with everyone else. A heartbeat is good news and the numbers would be sobering if they were at all reliable, which they aren't.

You're doing everything right and it's entirely possible that all is going according to plan. I'll keep sending you good thoughts.

[Emily]

I'm sorry Julia. This blows. Big, fat, hairy donkey balls blows. The doctor should forgo a boat payment one month to spend some money on a piece of reliable equipment. Yeah, nothing more than a women with history of miscarriage wants to hear, "Um sometimes it only measures half-beats." WTF? I'm glad you're out of there and I hope that you get some reassuring good news soon.

I'll let you know how saying "Fuck you, patronizing, pasty face assholde" works when you say it outloud because after my annual with my ob/gyn (ha! ha! ob!) on Monday I'm sure I'll be looking for a new one as well after I rip him a new one for his dismissive, patronizing, shrugging the shoulders tone on the reason I don't have a baby is simply because "Not everyone is meant to" (Oh yeah, he's THAT kind of asshole, but I'm afraid I'm less likely to contain my comments now." I never said I was a lady who could handle things with the same grace as you ;)

Thinking of you.

xxoo,

[Catherine]

I hate that you still cant KNOW and be reassured in this and the fact that it could be this archaic US machine just bothers me no end - I am so glad you are moving on and that there has been growth and there IS a heartbeat.Im so thinking it is that old machine causing the questions.The fact that the dr. said good to the heartrate makes me think that it is a normal range for this machine.Hugs,Catherine

[Marivic]

You are such a gifted writer, I would LOVE to see you fire off a letter to Dr. Fuckwit, explaining to him in simple, monosyllabic terms the very many reasons he can go eff himself. We see our practitioners for ANSWERS, and if they don't have them, they certainly get enough of our money to justify any extra effort (reliable equipment?) it takes to help us arrive at those answers, however much we fear them.

I'd bet my ever-growing stash of liquid courage that a letter from you would, if nothing else, soften the blow for his next hapless victim. Not that he deserves anymore of your time & attention, and you've got actual real life stuff to do, but docs like that make me livid. I'd also bet that if he were looking for answers on, say, whether or not HIS *equipment* were likely to fail he'd be slightly more earnest about a diagnosis beyond "wait and see". Jackass.

Anyway, yay for your proactive self. Have a satisfying day, will be rootin' for you!

M.

[Karen]

WTG! I waited way too long to dump my OB (whom we started calling Dr. Doom in week 5 of that pg). It was week 32 when we started going through my birth plan that I realized there was no way in hell I was letting that maniac anywhere near my contracting uterus. He baldly bragged about his 60% C-section rate like he was doing the women of the world a favor. I cringe when I think about the poor ladies who continue to let him deliver their babies.

I found a wonderful OB and I hope you really really like the one you're going to meet. If not, look again, because there is definitely a DR out there who's better than that idiot you talked to yesterday. Ugh.

And I cheer you onward and say hurray for a positive outlook. Go embryo go!

[reese dixon]

way to go Julia, stick it to the man!

[sarah l]

Julia,
At least you have not letting them walk all over you down to a science!

I am co-opting "you pasty faced fuck" for my next encounter with a bad man in a white coat.

Rock on!
Sarah

[jess]

Amen sister! You go find a nice OB who will spend a boat payment or two on an US machine. I'm proud of you.

[ccrjla6cyu]

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