Well, THAT Was Fun
No heartbeat today.
If you like we can take a moment and study our nails and think about how nice it would have been to have this all work out somehow. Who doesn't like a good miracle? Wouldn't it have been lovely if this blog could have become a googlicious beacon of hope for the hopeless instead of the scary scary swamp of pregnancy horror it is?
Every time I see another pregnancy-related Internet search has brought someone here I want to scream: Noooooooooooo! Stay AWAY! Nothing to see here!
Search term: "hcg not doubling" My experience: Miscarriage
Search term: "heartbeat slow" My experience: Miscarriage
Search term: "IVF with PGD" My experience: Miscarriage
Search term: "hcg quadrupling" My experience: Twins! But miscarriage
Search term: "heartbeat 6 weeks" My experience: Miscarriage
Search term: "heartbeat 7 weeks" My experience: Miscarriage
Search term: "heartbeat 11 weeks" My experience: Miscarriage
Sorry, I am feeling a little gloomy, a little fatalistic. I am even, dare I say it, feeling a little sorry for myself.
Anyway, I just got back and wanted to let you know what the deal is. Now I am going to finish cleaning the bathrooms (my in-laws are coming! tomorrow! for a long weekend!) and then Steve and Patrick and I are going out to dinner. I will drink wine. I will eat dangerous cheeses. And when the sommelier approaches and asks, "Will madam care for an ass-shot of progesterone in oil this evening?" Madam will respond with an empathic no.
I'll be back tomorrow and tell you what my plan is for future reproduction. Also, what colors we are painting the basement. Perhaps I will share what occurred the other day that prompted Patrick to say, with perfect enunciation, "What the hell is going on in here?" Lots of good stuff.
Thanks so much for caring. Thanks for checking on me.
So sorry. So, so sorry. You're an amazing woman.
Posted by: Molly | March 17, 2005 at 03:38 PM
Julia. You are amazing. I wish you well.
PS - I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Kay | March 17, 2005 at 03:38 PM
I am just so incredibly, incredibly sorry… For your sake- I wish that rollercoaster ride was either a lot longer or a lot shorter…
I am so sorry…
Posted by: Trish | March 17, 2005 at 03:40 PM
Someone, inevitably, is going to say that at least this led you to meet your wonderful new OB, and "maybe it was meant to happen." But I just can't believe that God, or fate, or whoever is in charge couldn't have found an easier way to make that happen. The whole thing is just wrong, wrong, wrong. So wrong.
Posted by: tracy | March 17, 2005 at 03:40 PM
I'm so very sorry.
Posted by: sharon | March 17, 2005 at 03:41 PM
I'm so sorry I feel sick. It's so unfair and just plain wrong.
Posted by: Katherine | March 17, 2005 at 03:43 PM
I am so very sorry. So much disappointment, after being tempted to hope and dream... My heart breaks for you.
Posted by: SheilaC | March 17, 2005 at 03:44 PM
Oh, I'm so sorry Julia. Not the news any of us wanted. Big, positive, supportive thoughts from blog land.
Posted by: Heather | March 17, 2005 at 03:46 PM
Oh, hell, Julia.
The wine and cheese are not much of a consolation prize.
Sending my love down the well.
Posted by: Jo | March 17, 2005 at 03:47 PM
Heart sinking. I'm so sorry, Julia.
I say skip the cleaning and go directly to wine and stinky cheese.
Posted by: Tine | March 17, 2005 at 03:48 PM
I am so very sorry, Julia. My heart leapt just a minute amount in hope after your last post and I was crushed when I read today's.
Wishing you peace and much fine wine and cheese and looking forward to hearing the Patrick story,
Posted by: Jill | March 17, 2005 at 03:48 PM
I, like everyone else, have been checking obsessively. I don't have any new words for "I'm sorry," but I really am. I in no way mean to minimize the genuine pain of your losses by saying this, but I am so glad you can take comfort in Patrick and Steve. Your chin-up attitude is tremendous.
Funny thing about going off to clean; I've always had a tremendous urge to scrub and tidy with the news of each impending miscarriage. Go figure. If only you could clean up life as easily as you can clean a house...
Posted by: ManhattanAnne | March 17, 2005 at 03:48 PM
Oh Julia,
Just thinking of you and sorry that you're going through this again.
Posted by: jen | March 17, 2005 at 03:50 PM
Crap.
I'm so sorry.
Posted by: DMouse | March 17, 2005 at 03:51 PM
Your blog hits must be crazy today - I'm so sorry. I was hanging my hopes that the universe had decided to right some wrongs and make it all good....I'm so sorry.
You are amazing...I could not fare nearly as well as you are doing.
Posted by: VHMPrincess | March 17, 2005 at 03:51 PM
This is so unfair to you and your family. I am soo sorry. I wish I had some miracle cure or something to help you be able to have another child. Please know I am thinking of you.
Posted by: Shelly | March 17, 2005 at 03:51 PM
I'm sorry Julia. Next year, in St. Paul, regardless of your pg status, beer is on me.....of course that offer stands between now and next St Pattys Day too....
Posted by: elisabeth | March 17, 2005 at 03:52 PM
Tough little emby, hanging in till the end. Just like its mama. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Yatima | March 17, 2005 at 03:52 PM
That sucks. I'm sorry. You seem like such a strong person.
Posted by: Kate | March 17, 2005 at 03:54 PM
oh, fuck. I am so sorry.
Posted by: jenn | March 17, 2005 at 03:55 PM
Damn it.
Julia, I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Sherry | March 17, 2005 at 03:56 PM
Crap. And shit. And please eat chocolate with your wine and stinky cheeses.
Posted by: Christine | March 17, 2005 at 03:56 PM
I'm so so sorry!
Posted by: Michelle | March 17, 2005 at 03:57 PM
I love you, Julia. Really. Not just internet love. Real love. And I say go ahead and feel a little bit sorry for yourself. You've earned it.
What the hell is going on in here indeed. I'm so sorry for all you have lost, and so glad for all that you maintain. You are wonderful.
Posted by: Mollie | March 17, 2005 at 03:58 PM
fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!
Posted by: reenie | March 17, 2005 at 04:01 PM
oh Julia-
so very sorry to hear. never easy but this roller coaster ride has to make it all so much harder
Posted by: Leslie | March 17, 2005 at 04:01 PM
I am very sorry. Have lots of wine. Many of us out in internet land will be having a glass for you too.
Posted by: csw | March 17, 2005 at 04:02 PM
fuck
Posted by: jen | March 17, 2005 at 04:03 PM
I'm sorry this particular roller coaster ride has ended in a bad place.
You -- yes you with your litany of pregnancy horrors -- are extremely inspiring as you keep going with such strength and grace and humor.
And may I say I am giggling over your emPATHIC no to the sommelier? Because you feel his pain, as only a fellow oenophile can feel the existential agony of the lonely sommelier...
Posted by: Veronica | March 17, 2005 at 04:03 PM
Crap, I'm so sorry. The Internet loves you Julia, even if the cosmos is fucking with you right now.
Posted by: deborah | March 17, 2005 at 04:05 PM
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm sorry Julia, really sorry.
Posted by: Sheridan | March 17, 2005 at 04:07 PM
Oh, sweet girl. I wish there was something I could do.
Posted by: Brooklyn Girl | March 17, 2005 at 04:07 PM
All I can come up with is... I'm so very sorry! That just doesn't seem like enough right now!
Love and Hugs to you!
Aimee
Posted by: Aimee | March 17, 2005 at 04:07 PM
Well, fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
Don't suppose you'd be willing to teach the excellently enunciating Patrick that one? Just so he could get in on things? No?
Well, I'll be over here muttering it, then. Sort of like a prayer vigil, only with swearing.
Posted by: Slim | March 17, 2005 at 04:08 PM
The ups and downs are palpable through fiber optics, I can't imagine what it's like for you. Your attitude is admirable. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: christine | March 17, 2005 at 04:09 PM
Shit, Julia. I am sorry this happened. I am even more sorry that pain and loss are so familiar for your family. The universe owes you one (or nine).
I'm feeling a little fatalistic myself, as my weekend plans involve driving to the Twin Cities with a 7-month-old, and the forecast calls for nothing but snow and wind and more snow.
Tonight's glass of Yellow Tail will be raised to you, like many before it have also been.
Posted by: SarahA | March 17, 2005 at 04:18 PM
I am so very sorry. I don't know if it's helpful to have one more voice in the choir expressing condolences (and cursing)... but I'll sing along anyway.
I'm glad you have Patrick and Steve to help you through. Enjoy the wine and cheese (and freedom from PIO shots). I wish you better days soon.
Posted by: Rhonda | March 17, 2005 at 04:19 PM
Delurking to say that I had my fingers crossed for you, but shit. "Sorry" doesn't say everything that I want it to mean.
Posted by: Mary T. | March 17, 2005 at 04:20 PM
Ohhhh Julia :-( I am so, so, so, so sorry.
Posted by: Naomi | March 17, 2005 at 04:24 PM
Delurking to say "Sorry." I'm also sorry I don't know what else to say.
It. Just. Sucks.
Posted by: Krimojo | March 17, 2005 at 04:26 PM
I, too, am so sorry.
I will have wine and cheese tonight in your honor(it's the least I can do).
Damn it -- that is not fair.
Posted by: Cathy | March 17, 2005 at 04:26 PM
Oh, God, Julia. I am so, so sorry.
Posted by: esme | March 17, 2005 at 04:27 PM
I'm so sorry, Julia.
Posted by: Ninotchka | March 17, 2005 at 04:27 PM
Another delurker here. Oh, Julia, cynic that I am, I was still hoping for a miracle for you, and I'm so sorry to read that it's not happening. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Posted by: Diane | March 17, 2005 at 04:29 PM
Sorry just doesn't cut it but I can't find any better words...
Posted by: BeckyB | March 17, 2005 at 04:31 PM
Fuck. Well fuck. FUCK! I'm so sorry, Julia. So fucking sorry. [HUGS]
Posted by: Lioness | March 17, 2005 at 04:32 PM
Well, shit.
I'm really sorry.
Posted by: KellyH | March 17, 2005 at 04:32 PM
I am so sorry Julia, I wish you emotional and physical healing. HUGS!
Posted by: Dori | March 17, 2005 at 04:33 PM
Fuck. I'm so very sorry.
Posted by: Amanda | March 17, 2005 at 04:34 PM
And SUSHI. You must have tons of raw fish. Still flopping around on your plate, if possible.
I'm really sorry. Sending you warm tropical wishes.
Posted by: Karen | March 17, 2005 at 04:46 PM