One Angry Woman

Ladies and gentleman, last night I was sorely tempted to beat Steve to death with one of my wide, womanly shoes.

Although I would have admitted to the act in a becoming and forthright manner, I would have pled for clemency on the grounds that the extenuating circumstances had driven me past a point of reasonable endurance.

I ask that you consider the facts and tell me, as fair and just people, whether my justification was indeed valid.

The Defense: We have just gotten back from North Carolina. On Monday I have communist playgroup in the morning and a dental appointment in the afternoon. Tuesday Patrick has speech and Wednesday I am leaving to go take care of Steve's sister and her newborn. Tonight, Saturday, I had already agreed to have the new neighbors over for a dinner (at Steve's behest.) Dinner, may I add, will be a lovely roasted chicken in a lemon-balsamic-rosemary sauce with individual mocha soufflés to follow. Nice, right? 

So late yesterday afternoon, as I was making last night's dinner and finishing the soufflés for tonight's dinner and trying to work on writing something that is important to me and scraping the playdough off Patrick's face, Steve told me that he had invited four adults and four children to our house on Sunday for a BBQ. And when I looked at him like he was crazy and said, "Are you OUT TO GET ME?" he said, "I knew you would say no if I asked you first. Which is why I didn't ask you."

Thus, I fucking lost it with him after Patrick was safely tucked in his wee bed and covered with kisses.

Fucking. Lost. It.

Am I to get no rest, no peace, no time to myself? Am I to have people showing up at my door whether I wish for company or not? Am I a goddamned serf?

The Prosecution:

Steve said he would:

1) plan what to serve [burgers! and brats! ye gods]

2) buy it

3) make it

4) clean up before and afterwards

He added that yes, I had to be there, and yes, I had to be nice despite the fact that, no, I would not go out of my way to share a lifeboat with any of these people regardless of how fast the cruise ship was sinking.

Further, he said that my social anxieties are clearly out of control and I should consider medication. I said that my social anxieties are quite under control, thank you, provided I don't have veritable strangers falling out of the fucking sky and landing in my kitchen every five goddamned minutes. Then I bit off his thumb.

So, it is in your hands. Do you think one co-habitating partner gets to invite people to dine without first consulting the other co-habitating partner? Is the offer to do all the work a mitigating circumstance? Or is he a cocksucker? [hey! how about that Deadwood on DVD, huh? pr-e-tty classy stuff!]

Comments

[Once More]

I just read aloud your entry to my fiance while watching nothe NFL draft for his take. (I was also curious what he'd say). His repsonse was "yeah, you kinda have to ask - esp if you have to be there."
Further adding, "my favorite line was 'I didn't ask cuz I knew you'd say no'"
It's not like he is inviting a buddy over to watch a game where you DON'T have to be there.

[Deirdre]

I agree with you: Steve is a poop for inviting guests without asking you first. My DH and I have an agreement that neither of us issue invites w/o checking with the other first ... it's common courtesy. His behaviour is mitigated by his offer to do everything prep-wise, but you still have to *be* there for dinner, a fairly large commitment that you shouldn't have had to accept in the first place. There, that's my 2 cents.

[Lisa C.]

Cocksucker. Definitely.

[Jaz]

Well... I'd say he get points for doing the work involved. However, he loses them again for "I knew you would say no if I asked you first. Which is why I didn't ask you."

So, I'm going with justifiable homicide.

And I *love* Deadwood. But I wouldn't have it on when my kids are around!

[Soper]

COCKSUCKER!

[usako]

bah. what a bastard. bite off his other thumb.

[Melanie]

I did this to my husband once, but not because I thought he'd say no, but because I thought he wouldn't care. Boy was I wrong. Never again my friends. Always, always, always ask.

[mp]

I have to go with cocksucker on this one. Yeah, he *says* he'll do all the cleaning up before and after, plus the prepping and cooking, but it's been my married experience that guys simply do it differently than we would (read: worse) and don't *quite* meet the same standards for what passes as "cleaning up". If it were me, I'd probably end up doing a lot of cleaning up after he does the first pass since these are new people who've never been to the house. So you want to make it nice, right? And sometimes guys just don't make it as nice as us. And despite my pissiness at even having to DO this whole event, my need to have everything come off well would overrule my desire to just sit on my ass and let him handle it all.

Good luck - there is just no rest for the weary.

[Louise]

I agree with the others -- you have to ask. The exception (for myself and The Boyfriend) is if the person not doing the inviting is not expected to be there, or if it is an unexpected out-of-town visiter.

[Elizabeth]

Well, if that had been me, the issue of whether Patrick will be an only child would be a moot point. (Or a moo point as Joey Tribiani would say, cuz, you know, it's like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter) I think you showed remarkable restraint.

Oh, and tell him is it's not your social anxieties that are out of control, it's clearly his desparate need to be surrounded by others that is!

[Lala]

I volunteer to hit him in the nuts with a disc. That'll show him.

[Cricket]

Yeah, I'll say he's a cocksucker, but he's also trying to get in a lot of socialization under his belt before you leave again in a few days. You'd think the SIL and new baby stuff would get you a bye - oops, you did get a bye b/c he's doing ALL the work! What if it rains and all those people and kids have to be inside? Oh, the humanity! Perhaps some pills are not needed in general, but they should be allowed beforehand this time.

[Jenn]

Cocksucker. (But now you have plenty of tips on just that thing)

[Suz]

I made the same mistake as your husband.

We were already having two folks over, but I added three more to the bill...last minute. Like your husband, I knew that he would say "no" if I asked him, so I didn't.

He explained to me carefully that I was not paying attention to his plans. That I was not acting like a partner, but an individual (and a fairly selfish one at that).

I didn't understand his point until he bit off my thumb.

[VHMPrincess]

He SO needs to hit the jewelry store for this one! (mostly because of the medication comment)... Let us know what he gets you!

[Kristen]

I agree with you. That was inconsiderate of him and even worse was the fact that he chose not to tell you. Bah!
Tell him you're an introvert and need time by yourself or just with immediate family only. Some people need more quiet, down time than others do.
The social extroverts mow them down and overload them with family functions and social activities. They just don't understand.

[Tish]

Found your site at Raising devils.
Oh, I think I'd be holding this particular incident as insurance. The long term guilt kind that accrues interest as smaller problems arise. You know the kind.
ANyway, good luck and come see me sometime. I rarely rant on political issues, but mostly either parenting/writing a bestseller/patient care.

[Ollie]

Oooooooooooh HELL NO. That would be a maiming offense.

[Leta]

Yeah, that's pretty shitty. I would KILL my husband if he did something similar, especially with the "I knew you'd say no" comment. And you know he's not really going to do all the work, c'mon.

[Rachel]

I'm routinely guilty of this and I've tried to get better, but something just comes over me and the next thing I know I'm inviting people over again. My housemate really should justifiably kill me or hate me, but it's a part of my nature. So, I still think Steve should have to ask, but I do understand why he does it...it's very likely that like me he's missing that small piece in his brain that says "my god, no...it's too much, too much!!!"

[Mollie]

Ohhhh... thumb-biter. No wonder you said you were no good at BJs.

Well, I'm married to a cocksucker myself, but his way of exhibiting this fact is to commit us to attend somewhere without checking with me, and then he usually tells me, oh, say, a half hour before we're supposed to be there. And there is no babysitter.

As far as extending invitiations goes, I would say it's pretty egregious to invite a group like that over when you're up to your eyeballs already. I think his plan to "do it all" and you just show up to eat is okay, though, considering. I mean, if he wanted YOU to "do it all," well, then, yes, he'd be a class A cocksucker. As it is, he's merely an inconsiderate boob.

[Konolia]

If it was me I would go somewhere Sunday anyway.

But it would be moot because all that would be left would be a thumb.

Kidding. Just barely tho.

[Anonyma]

Not cocksucker for inviting, but for

A) Inviting KNOWING you'd say know
B) Saying the thing about meds. That was fucking rude.

Let him do the work, you go out if you want to.

[Kate]

While I definitely think he should have asked, I think it's more a question of men sometimes not understanding that "I'll do all the work" is sort of meaningless. The biggest pain in the ass about company, from my perspective, is that I have to deal with them, not necessarily that I have to cook for them. But my husband doesn't understand that - he thinks it would be lovely if people just "dropped by" more often.

So cocksucker might be a bit strong, but I agree it's inconsiderate.

[Lisa V]

Cocksucker. He owes you an apology and some bling.

[Chi Zit]

What is it with men and their penis parties? My husband just informed me that he's going on a fishing trip on Monday. Firstly, he doesn't fish. We don't fish. So, it's The Color Purple, here.

Also, he didn't inform me of the $70 fee for said fishing trip, or the fact that I have to clean, cook and give the last rites to the little scaled fuckers when he gets back. (Thanks, Darling!)

So, over here, it's raining fucking fish and I'm about ready to gut anyone who has the ballish audacity to come near me without a LARGE VAT of tequila. (All whilst binding my feet, putting my kid to bed, washing the floors and giving random BJs).

I love my husband, I do. But holy what-the-fuck. I so hear you on this one. So hearing it.

(Ooops. This is *your* blog. My bad, Boo.)

[Annie]

I believe men do not think things through the way women do, therefore, they make themselves seem retarded. I love that " I'll do everything" talk. It makes me laugh out loud. Yes, I know how you do "everything". It make me want to get up and do it myself!

[Rose]

Cocksucker. I'm sorry, but inviting people over knowing you would say no, and then telling you that you need medication? That would not be ok with me.

[Ninotchka]

Cocksucker. Grounds for justifiable homicide, for sure. Ugh!

[Kate]

Just don't be there. He's not the boss of you! Leave Patrick with daddy for some quality guy time, while daddy cooks and cleans and entertains. Go see a movie! Hang out at Barnes & Noble! But do NOT be at this ambush.

[Kate]

Verdict: Guilty of Cocksucking in the 1st degree.

[anne]

Mistah Kurtz, he dead.

[terri c]

I think he'd be dead. If you didn't 'have' to be there, and if he hadn't mentioned the medication thing, well, maybe I'd let him live. Note the use of the word 'maybe.' Hey wait--you don't suppose this attitude of mine is why I'm SINGLE, do you? Nah, didn't think so.

[Reprogirl]

Once in a while I read a post that makes me glad I'm single. This is one of them.
I say: COCKSUCKER. What, did he not notice that it's your house too?

[DebbieS]

I think he's damn lucky to have *one* opposable thumb left. I agree, if you didn't have to be there (or if he'd apologized nicely and begged you to be there as his "guest-host" while he cooked and hosted the meal), and he hadn't made the crack about medication, he might have gotten away with a misdemeanor. Don't give in (in my not-so-humble-opinion), or he'll get the message that he can do whatever he wants and you'll eventually cave. Tell him your favor to him is a clean house for *his* guests (since you will have already cleaned the house for tonight's shindig) and a meal uninterrupted by your embarassing social anxieties ;) Then go out for a nice quiet evening of your own before your hard week. Perhaps your local bookstore will have some good cookbooks with recipes for "thumb" for your next dinner party!

Oh yeah, and I would definitely be waiting for the bling on this one. Hang in there girl!

[tracy]

Cocksucker. Good thing he's cute. So, is there something comparable that bothers him, like, say, spending large amounts of money on yourself? If so, wouldn't it be good revenge (no, no, I mean wouldn't it be a good teachable moment, yeah, that's it!) if you did that and said "Oh yeah, I would have asked you, but I knew you'd say no, cocksucker."

[arubagirl]

If I were you, I'd bail halfway through the happening, explaining with a smile that you have something else to do and excuse yourself politely.
That was a pretty rude stunt Steve pulled off there

[terrilynn]

He's lucky he will live to see this party. Which, by the way, he will be giving without you, since you'll be off having a manicure and reading a book or something.

Seriously, don't be there.

[alice]

Baseline: always consult. If it's not possible for some legitimate reason, then solo inviting is ok, with the understanding that OF COURSE you will do all the work if your cohabiter doesn't want to host something, and the cohabirer isn't genearlly obligated to attend.

From what you've said, I'd feel that the offer to "do it all" mitigates some, but not entirely. And introversion does *not* = social anxiety. As an occasional lurker, I know that you don't find houseguests rejuvenating or relaxing; Steve must have some clue of this as well, which he's just not incorporating into his planning. That is a separate cruddy thing, which is not mitigated by the do it all offer. Unless "it all" includes massage/foot rub/ indulgences of your choice that he will provide you with.

I don't comment on blogs as a rule, even when i heart them, like yours. However this is so out of line that the line must nolonger exist in his head. Just urg! Seriously what was he thinking? He's your husband he knows you don't like this sort of thing, he knows you have the week from hell ahead and he knows you've just done him a favour. Then he pulls this kinda shit! Then has the gall to tell you you need medication.
I beg you; please don't go to that bbq. If you go you're gonna regret it. Why, because you'll be sending him the subconscious message that if he treats you like shit you'll put up with it. Even if you tell him before hand that you're only going out of obligation and that you're pissed as hell.
Seriously I cannot beleive that any man would be this stupid.

[Jody]

Uh, yeah. Pretty much a CS, that one--never, ever, EVER invite people over without clearing it, first. And two parties in two days? Yee gads.

I would, however, take him up on the hosting offer. You're in MN--burgers & brats will be lovely and delightful. Let that part go.

[Linda]

"I knew you wouldn't like it but I didn't really care what you thought so I did it anyway."

I like Steve. He's got those gorgeous green eyes and is quite a handsome duck. But that was something a 16 year old in the throes of self-absorption would do. I bet it's hard to be an introvert married to an extrovert.

[Jaine]

suckerCOCK!
i would have needed a colostomy bag...

[Shelly]

Make him pay BIG TIME not just doing everything. He deserves to kneel at your feet and beg for his life.

[wix]

okay, i'm a big fan of the steve, but this time he stepped in it. one more vote for suckage. sorry, steve, your timing was really bad on thissun.

[Thalia]

Unacceptable. The not asking, and the comment that this is social anxiety on your part. Why do you have to socialise the whole time? For me, my job wears me out so much that I desparately need down time at the weekend and H. is pretty good at accepting that. He gets a bit fed up sometimes when at noon on Sunday I'm still not moving off the sofa, but as long as we go to the movies on Saturday with friends most weeks, and go to his parents one sunday every couple of months, he seems to cope.

Hope Steve's thumb has grown back by now

[jen]

I do this, my other half does this. But neither of us when there are mitigating circumstances such as yours.. ie an already packed schedule. And I would bite off more of his thumb... so consider yourself vindicated. PS - social anxiety MY ARSE. Even without the malice fore-thought, just that comment alone would result in several severed digits...

[Karen]

At the very least, the man needs to walk with a limp for the rest of his life.

[KimN]

Suffering from my own set of minor social phobias myself. . ..you definitely had all rights to be pissed! Not many things make me madder then when I'm "volunteered" for events I want nothing to do with.

KimN (Inward Musings)

[MistressMary]

He fucked up, no question. But I respectfully disagree with some of my fellow commenters. You gotta be there. It would be too weird if you weren't there. Then the neighbors would start gossiping about your marital issues. Especially when they saw Steve's bloody thumb stump.

So I say, be there, be your charming self, don't lift a finger to help Steve with those yummy brats, and go to bed early while he is cleaning up.

Later, after you have forgiven him his trespasses, explain to him calmly why he must never do that again.

Steve is maybe just the tiniest bit spoiled?