Girl, Corrupted

I saw my OB today for a post-D&C appointment and was greeted with this:

46, XX, add (1) q(41)

Apparently the genetic results for the pregnancy are back, how nice.

Karyotype translation:

The embryo was female and she carried an unbalanced version of Steve's translocation. You know, that little genetic jigsaw we went to such lengths to avoid.

I have no idea why it hurts me more to have this information. I already knew that we are not going to be having a baby in October, why is it more painful to know that we are not, specifically, going to be having a daughter?

Comments

[julia]

Oh, Julia. I'm so sorry. I'm glad that there was something concrete to tell you, though, why it didn't work out. I just mean that it seems more explainable, less cruelly random. I mean ... I'll just shut up, now. There's nothing good about this. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Isabel]

I know this isn't of much help but, I'm SO sorry! My very best wishes to you and your family, and may you one day soon, have a fourth member in your household.

[deborah]

Whoever said "knowledge is power" clearly didn't struggle with infertility.

I'm so sorry, Julia.

[Lisa V]

I only found out the gender of one of our lost pregnancies. I never did it again. I think it made it more real to me. This dream of a baby suddenly had a concrete image in my mind.

I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter.

[Kate]

I am so sorry. I wish I could erase that part of the info for ya.

[Soper]

Sigh.

I'm so sorry, Julia. So very, very sorry.

[aibee]

If only words could ease your pain.

I'm so sorry.

[Emily]

I'm so, so sorry. So very sorry Julia.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Lala]

I'm sorry for you luv. I'd like to know more about PGD before I ask anything but this is not the place to get infuriated about it, only for consolation and maybe a joke or two. Alas, I'm out of those too.

[JK]

Oh Julia, I'm so sorry.

What does Shady Grove have to say about the unbalanced translocation?

[karla]

I'm so sorry.

[Cricket]

I'm so sorry for your loss all over again, for both you and your husband.

[jen]

I'm so sorry this makes a difficult situation even more excruciating.

Denial is my best coping mechanism and, for me, having a fact like would put too much of the possibility and what could have been would be a slap in the face, making it impossible to slip into denial mode.

Anyway, I’m sorry. That really just sucks.

[jen]

Sorry -- trying so hard to explain that I combined two different thoughts. I meant, having a fact like that would have put too much of the possiblity and what could have been right in my face, making it impossible to deny it or minimize it to myself.

[Erica]

I'm so very sorry.

[Donnie]

I've been reading your blog for a while now, and just wanted to post and say how sorry I am for the ordeal you have to go through.
You are really strong to make the decision to know this information... I hope it will help you in the future.
I will be hoping for you and rooting you along, whatever path you take.
-Donnie

[Ninotchka]

Julia: This just makes me want to cry. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. I'm SO SO very sorry. I wish I could properly express just how much.

Please know I'm thinking about you. Always.

[Betsy]

I'm so sorry, Julia. We found out the sex of our last miscarriage (a little girl, like yours), and while it was very hard at first, I'm now glad I know. I don't know why. I guess I just wanted it to be *real*, and knowing made it so.

That said, it's a very bitter pill to swallow. It's so much easier to think of the loss as Something That Could Never Have Lived instead of as a baby....a daughter.

God, I'm sorry. And I'm so frustrated for you that the PGD did not detect the unbalance. It's so friggin unfair.

[Jo]

De-lurking to say how very sorry I am. I am sure it is practical and useful to know the PGD did fail but to know that you lost a daughter well it must make the loss more real and more bitter, it would for me. I hope, like someone said above, that as time passes it turns out to be better to have found out than not. Take good care of yourselves.

[terri c]

God, I'm sorry. I agree with everyone--this just makes it even more 'real', the loss...

[Brad]

I'm so sad for you right now, Julia... and also a bit angry. What does Shady Brook have to say? I mean, avoiding the translocation was the whole point of the lumpy ass, was it not???

[wessel]

I'm sorry Julia. I found out that our last two miscarriages were little boys, and even though that hurt so much because we wanted a boy so badly, in the end, it did help me to grieve the loss more completely. Other people around us stupidly wondered why I was making such a big deal out of first trimester miscarriages, but for me, I knew I had lost my boys and it made it more real.

I'm just so sorry.

[Kimm]

Julia, I'm so sorry that you're hurting, that ... so many things.

[Sheridan]

I'm so sorry Julia. It seems like the hits still keep coming at you. I am hoping that the universe will ease off on you very soon.

Thinking of you.

[Jody]

Julia, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. And I'm so angry on your behalf at S.G.

But of course it's even more real. And of course it's even more sad that way.

I'm very sorry.

[KC]

I'm so sorry....

[Slim]

I'm so sorry, Julia. You want I should head to Shady Grove and kick some butt? Print out a few copies of this post and leave 'em in the waiting room?
Just say the word.

[Cat, Galloping]

I am so sorry. I know I felt worse when I found out the one I lost last fall was a girl, as well. It changed it from a few cells to a real person lost and it set me back on the recovery process. I wished they hadn't told me. I am so very sorry.

[Suz]

I'm so sorry, Julia. Happy to drive down the street (yes, they're just that close) and kick some Shady Grove butt for you too.

[Laura K.]

Oh Julia, I'm so sorry. Of all the people to fall into the crazy low odds categories, why do they always have to hit you?

Thinking about you.

Laura

[elisabeth]

I'm sorry.

[Kate]

I'm so sorry Julia.

[Jenn]

I'm sorry.

[Molly]

Sorry, Julia. Thinking of you and your family.

[Toni]

I'm so sorry Julia, Steve & Patrick.

[SarahA]

With sympathy and love, Julia, I am holding your family in my heart.

[Debe]

I can understand why it would hurt more now than before.. I'm so sorry

[Chi Zit]

I am so very sorry, Julia. Peace and hope to you.

[rachel]

i'm just so so sorry. I wish it could have been different.

[New Yorker]

Delurking to say that this breaks my heart. It is just so unfair.

I can't say that I know how you feel (although after years of trying for a second child and 6 rounds of IVF, I was pregnant (yeh!) with twins (yeh! yeh!) and miscarried at 10 weeks (duh!) on the same day as you (hey! spooky coincidence!).

I can say that your wonderful, wonderful diary would have kept me sane had I not been going slowly mad anyway.

I wish you all the luck in the world in whatever decision you make and however you make it. We're all behind you!

[ValleyGal]

I'm so sorry. I hope the future brings you happier news from the OB...

[AmyinMotown]

Julia, I am so very sorry. Of course it would make you feel worse to know the sex of the baby you lost--you're so strong and chin up about all this and I think to have even a little more of an identity for the lost child makes you mourn a lttle more. I don't know if I am making snese or sounding like an ass, but, anyway, I am so incredibly sorry and I hope peace and eventually joy for you.

[Kat]

Julia, This just breaks my heart, and makes me very angry for you. I thought the whole point of PGD was to avoid this kind of nightmare. I just can't believe the deck of cards you've been dealing with. And I'm so sorry.

[Scully]

I'm so sorry, Julia. My heart goes out to you and your family.

[Annie]

So very, very sad. I am so sorry.

[Cecily]

Oh sweetie. I feel your pain, I really do. I'm so, so, so sorry.

[Julie M]

Julia,
I am sorry for your loss and the loss of a wanted daughter. I am sorry technology failed you so miserably. You deserve better than this.

[Crystal]

Because you have a son. Because having the experience of mothering a daughter would have been something you won't experience if you never have one.

Of course it hurts. Hell, I feel like The Greediest Person In The World, I thought after all those years, I'd never have more kids at all, let alone two. I have three wonderful boys, and I wouldn't trade them for 50 girls (or even 50 girls and a fat trust fund so I could afford to raise them).

But I still want a daughter. Desperately. I don't have a mother. I don't have a sister, and my only daughter is being raised by her parents because of my choice. The thought that I'll spend the rest of my life never experiencing the mother/daughter connection again, knowing I HAD the chance to have it, and I gave it away willingly, no matter how necessary it was at the time...

I die a little each day, Julia.

How the hell could it not hurt?

Crystal

[Abby]

I'm so sorry.

[Libby]

This is like 97(million) kinds of wrong Julia. I am so deeply sad for you and Steve. I am so sorry.

Much love,