Girl, Corrupted

I saw my OB today for a post-D&C appointment and was greeted with this:

46, XX, add (1) q(41)

Apparently the genetic results for the pregnancy are back, how nice.

Karyotype translation:

The embryo was female and she carried an unbalanced version of Steve's translocation. You know, that little genetic jigsaw we went to such lengths to avoid.

I have no idea why it hurts me more to have this information. I already knew that we are not going to be having a baby in October, why is it more painful to know that we are not, specifically, going to be having a daughter?

Comments

[meredith]

I felt that SAME way when I found out I miscarried a boy. Why it really matters is beyond me..it was a loss, regardless of the sex. But something about knowing the sex makes it real, and you can more clearly imagine exactly what you lost. I'm so sorry.. I'm also baffled, since you did PGD to avoid this very thing..isn't that what they tested for?? Shouldn't you get your money back or something? You could've spent nothing & did it the old fashioned way to get an unbalanced translocation! I'm so sorry for all you're dealing with!Meredith

[Dead Bug]

I'm so sorry. I don't think I would want to know, to have her be that much more specifically who she was.

--Bugs

[sheilah]

Knowing is what makes it harder. You did not have an 'it', you had a little girl. That makes her human, not just a thing.

So sorry the technology failed you.

[Susy]

I had an instant flood of sadness when I read this--more so than when I read that the embryo would inevitably miscarry. I can only assume that this is because you revealed gender, and the gender makes you realize that this was a person, not just a theoretical "it".

It also must be a real blow to see that the technology that was supposed to help prevent this didn't work. It must feel like "options" have died as well, though of course we DO know that a successful pregnancy is possible because of Patrick.

I'm thinking of you, my friend. Lots of love and peace to you.

[Menita]

I am so sorry. So sorry.

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

Fuck that stings julia and I am sorry for that.

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

You know... wait! I just re-read your post like 3 more times and I was wrong with my comment, fuck, that really HURTS. It even hurts me and I am nowhere near feeling your pain. Everyones losses differ but the fact that you now know what REALLY could have been, that it wasn't an "it" but that it was specifically a "who" and that burns mighty deep.

Only thing I can say is that I love you and I am hurting alongside you too.

I hate that this has hurt you even more on top of everything. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

I'm so sorry Julia.

[Karen]

Julia, I'm so sorry, my friend.

[Denise]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I agree with what everyone has said, this child was given a *real* form. She was something you could identify, before it was a baby, now it's your baby girl and that hurts more deeply than most things can. Some where, you had dreams and ideas of what it would be like to have a little girl and what you would do with her. So in a sense it makes it not just a loss, but a double loss and an absolute tragedy.

When I discovered I was pregnant in December I KNEW it was a boy. I even had his name picked out at 7 weeks. I would linger looking at little boy clothes and little boy things, when I lost him in February I was told they would do testing. Really nothing came back other than confirming it was a boy. It about killed me to know I lost my son.

Your loss goes beyond my pain because this is why you went through and did what you did to get pregnant, so your child would not have the defective gene.

I am so very deeply sorry for the loss of your daughter and I hope and pray that you will soon be blessed with a good pregnancy and a healthy baby.

[Emily Drew]

Oh dear, I'm so sorry for your pain. My dear dear friend, I wish for you. I just wish.

[patricia]

God it hurts, doesn't it? I'll never forget the electric feeling I had when I learned that I had lost a girl.

For me, in the end, it was a good thing, because I knew I could grieve a little more concretely. Also, I found it helped other people understand my loss. It wasn't just another miscarriage. It was a living thing, that had a sex. I think a lot of people don't equate miscarriage with the loss of life. But it is. And I am so sorry that you lost your little girl.

[Tonya]

This post brought on the sting of tears for me. I remember we once talked about the gender issue: I found out with my last one and even named him (albeit only for me, and I still do not refer to that particular loss by name or even "he" for that matter.) At that time you said you did not like to know the gender. Perhaps this is why- it really drives home what you lost, as if you didn't already have an inkling. I'm sorry for your loss of pigtails and mary janes and am hoping fervently that your second child is right around the corner.

Sending you my love today.

(and by the way, what the fuck? Just curious if the folks that performed the PGD have any kind of a hypothesis as to why, pray tell, the embryo had the exact thing you were paying big bucks to avoid.)

[Niki]

De-lurking because I know how you feel. I'm so sorry for the long journey you've had, for the loss overall, and for the unique sadness of knowing you would have had a girl. Once upon a time, on a sunny crisp fall day, I too learned that the child I had lost would have been a daughter, and the experience of *knowing* this baby, this way, was so piercingly achingly hard. My heart truly goes out to you.

[Bella]

Awful all around. I'm so sad and angry for you.

We did PGD with our first IVF to select only females, in order to avoid passing on my husband's Y chromosome deletion (the cause of our infertility). Four weeks later I miscarried a male. We never did PGD again. Our embryos weren't that great, and we didn't want to make our chances worse, especially if PGD doesn't even work.

[oliviadrab]

Julia, I am really so very sorry. It's always hard to guage which is worse, not knowing or knowing too much. Our loss and subsequent d&c testing last year revealed the cause and gender at the same time. I wasn't prepared to hear we'd lost a daughter. My heart is aching for you tonight.

[JuliaKB]

I am so very sorry...

[Jenn]

I'm so sorry.

[Jeanette]

Oh Julia,
I just want to echo everyone else, and just tell you how sorry I am. I'm so, so, so sorry.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Oh, Julia.

[annie]

I'm so sorry. I know how bad it sucks. I wish there were magic words to make it better.

[kj]

Oh, that's hard. There really is something about it that makes the image of the baby that much more real. I had a girl, stillborn at 20 weeks (listeria), and another miscarriage that they mercifully left me in the dark about.
I think knowing it was a girl somehow adds to your mental image of what's not going to be. It's so corny, but I think of the Anne's House of Dreams book and how she always imagined the lost baby Joy growing up. I can't bear to do that, myself. It's an oddly grown up vingette in a young girl's book. You have to respecet LM for her willingness to let a bad thing happen to a good character. I wouldn't say all this if it weren't for that book discussion, but I know no one here will think it's facile.
This is premature, I know, but one of the oddest sensations with respect to miscarriages and stillbirths is looking at the child you DO have, when you have one--because, if it weren't for all that had gone before, you wouldn't have that particular child, whom you wouldn't give up for the world. It's the most twisted form of silver lining I've ever come across. Because, of course, you would change things, if you could, except that once that happens, you wouldn't. You've felt that with your oldest, I know.

So, anyway, that sucks.

[TexasMama]

Oh Julia, I'm so sorry.