(The Devil We Know)

So, well, yes. And thank you.

The only times in the past that we have found out the sex have been by accident, and I always wanted to chew my ears off after I heard it. I can understand how you might take consolation in knowing, how there might be something peaceful in that knowledge, but it always just seems to make me sadder. Sadder-er.

And yeah, oh my god, how about that unbalanced rearrangement of chromosomes one and four, huh? Come on, everybody in unison now, on my three.

1... 2... 3...

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The "Fuck" heard round the world.

As I said to my OB, but... but... we could have gotten that particularly abnormal embryo at home for FREE. We don't have to ride on a plane or spend $20 grand, we've got the whole World's fucking Fair of mutations right in our own backyard.

I faxed the results off to Shady Shady with the mem. that I am now ready to talk to the good doctor. It seemed pointless to discuss anything with him until we knew the cause of death (was it drowning as we had first suspected? why no! genetic roulette, again, of course) so I did not call him back after the last ultrasound. Actually, it still seems pointless to talk to him since we will not be high-tailing it back to DC anytime soon, but I don't want him to think I am sulking. I mean, he DID tell us that there was a 1 in 10 chance that an embryo can test normal but be abnormal. Fair's fair.

On the bright side at least we don't have some totally new thing to worry about. It is beyond irksome to contemplate how utterly and completely wasteful that IVF cycle was for us, but what if the embryo had been normal and still died? Can you imagine?? [I am sure many of you can easily imagine just that and I am so so sorry] I would have evaporated with pain and frustration, really I would have.

This is the devil we know and while we don't like it, we have definitely learned to live with it. It gets a stocking at Christmas and when you call our home the answering machine says "You have reached Steve, Julia, Patrick and the dread demon Genetrion. Please leave a message." Beep.

Right, so, that's the bright side.

There is also a New Plan.

Namely: 1) as soon as I start a new cycle I will get (do? have?) a sonohystereoscopy to make sure that the last D&C left my uterus in the pristine condition in which it was found; and 2) we did a kick-ass antibodies panel yesterday to rule out all sorts of obscure blood conditions that cause recurrent miscarriage (ELEVEN vials of blood, I thank you.) Although it would be unlikely for the embryo to have been offed by both the unbalanced translocation and something else, just look at Rasputin.

What? Oh, legend has it that Rasputin was first given enough arsenic to kill an elephant. When that failed to do anything permanent, his assassins stabbed him repeatedly. Then they threw him into the river in which he was finally drowned (speaking of drowning.) So, I guess it happens.

Anyway, my new RE (I have a new RE. We met her on Monday. She is so local she practically lives in our basement. In fact, we might just invite her to do so.) asked for the panel and the sonohystereoscopy (SURELY there is an acronym for this?) to rule out any other issues before we move on to... something! What exactly is still TBD (Ha! acronyms in da house!)

I made a suggestion. She made a suggestion. We agreed to further testing and then we will reconvene after I start a new cycle.

So, yay! Onward! Upward! Never Backwards! And always twirling, twirling....

If you are wondering why we are going to try anything, at all, ever again, when clearly we are just not meant to have any more children (one of these days you bad apples are going to make me take down that email link, aren't you?) you can blow me. If you are pleased that I seem to be in better spirits, well, yes, I am, thank you. I just needed to spin the genetic results a bit before I could get all chirpy about them.

Tomorrow night we are flying South for a few days. Last time we made this trip we wound up drinking moonshine. MOONSHINE, I tell you. *chortle*

Oh, and I just asked my brother this question tonight when he was being nice to me and I was becomingly modest: do you think you can consciously choose to be happy?

I'll tell you what he and I concluded before we go. And I have no idea why there are so many paranthetical thoughts in this post.

Comments

[tracy]

Not meant to have another child? Hmmm. Obviously God gave you this vast fortune because He INTENDS for you to have another child, and He knows it's not going to be easy.

(j/k about the vast fortune part... I know it's only half vast...)

[Lola]

Julia,

I'm really sorry to hear about the results of the genetic testing, but I agree that at least it doesn't appear as though some other previously unknown medical condition caused your most recent loss. Of course it still sucks that you've had to go through any of this in the first place.

Oh, and if anyone has the mean-spirited bad sense to give you crap about trying to have a second child, then they are obviously a clueless ass with no concept of empathy or compassion.

Take care, and enjoy your weekend get-away.

[Mollie]

Ah, Julia. Wow.

You know what's weird? I haven't ever, in the history of reading your online diary, thought, "Give up already! You obviously weren't meant to have more kids!"

Nope. Not once. Why is that? I guess because when you write about your life, it is glaringly obvious that you are doing exactly what you want to be doing, and I've always trusted that you will stay that course.

Usually, with a song in your heart.

Now how freaking fantastic and inspiring is that? Good gravy. You rock so hard.

[Heather]

I will never give you grief for trying so hard for a second child. I'm not sure how long you've been at it this time, but we just gave up trying for our second. We went through: 1 laporoscopy, 7 ovulation induction cycles with IUI, one miscarriage at 10 weeks (genetic), 2 IVFs, one Integrin test between IVFs, and a partridge in a pear tree. I'd have to say I'm glad we did it all even though we didn't get the outcome we wanted. I had to keep going until we couldn't take it anymore. Everyone has a different limit, and we have to work through it. I still dabble with thoughts of going back and trying again, then change my mind again. BTW, as part of our journey, when we decided we were done, we got a puppy. She's the best.

Anyway, here's to hoping your outcome is better than ours. Good Luck and many prayers!

[Susan]

Thank god you're still able to quote The Simpsons through all of this.

My heart aches for you.

[Emily]

Oh Julia...big hug to you and cheering you on.

xxoo,

[Bente]

I can't imagine anyone giving you grief about trying for a second. If you want more children then I'm glad to hear how hard you're working to make it happen, and one day you'll have another child that will be so loved and know how much his or her's parents wanted him/her. Good work, and good luck.

[Sheridan]

Aha! The devil you know. Yes, this is good (hope you know what I mean). I'm really pleased to hear that, definitely a positive to be taken from all this. Your new RE sounds fab - glad she's got some new ideas for you. Enjoy your weekend away!

[wessel]

Another SIFer here--Alice Domar calls us the Rodney Dangerfields of the infertility world--we just don't get no respect. Yes, I understand your desire for another child. Don't give up unless and until you are ready to do so. No one has a right to tell you that you should be grateful for what you have already, to diminish your desire to increase your family.

Can we "choose to be happy?" No. I find that whole "you can choose your emotions" psychobabble bullcrap intolerable. We are not robots with buttons to be pushed at will. We can STRIVE to be happy, using various mental techniques, or engaging in physical activity to get the endorphins rolling. But I don't believe in the happy-on-demand approach to emotion management.

[Kat]

Hey Julia,
Honestly, I think I heard your FUCK here in Northern California. In fact, I joined in and screamed a few expletives myself today, when I realized my translocation had just caused my 5th miscarriage. (Sorry to hijack your blog here with that news, but I haven't wanted to trouble you with emails, especially when it sounds like you're getting stupid assvice from trolls who simply don't get it!)

Anyway, I absolutely adore you and your sense of humor in dealing with this stupid fucking genetic stuff. I practically peed my pants over giving Genetrion a Christmas stocking.

I'm so sorry again for everything you've been through.

And I'm encouraged that after it all, you're still figuring out your "next step." I can't wait till you're holding #2 in your arms (of course typing with your toes to keep up with the ever-increasing demand for your writing).

Cheers,
KatBT
MaternityGenes

[Crystal]

A better person than me probably could. As for me, I choose not to waste any more of my life being sad. I greive, I hurt, and when I'm ready, I move on. But the other stuff must come first for the last part to work right, and with reasonable haste.

For that matter, I'm firmly convinced joy and sadness can and do coexist. I feel them both as needed. Thankfully, the joy (in my adult life) even in my darkest hour, has far outweighed the sadness. I s'pose that more than makes up for the rest, and still leaves me incredibly lucky. Not many people are given the gift of a refurbished life quite as extraordinary as mine.

I'm glad you're, what... What? Where you are... It sounds a bit less raw than where you were before, and less raw is always a good place. Raw being a not especially good place unless you're an expertly prepared slice of fish.

Yawn. I guess I'm too tired to type.

So if it's 1 in 10, and this was 1, does that mean that A) your 1 is over and done with, or B) that your 1 in 10 just went up to something like 2 in 10?

I guess that's why you're talking to the grovesters soon, right?

Crystal

[Lisa S (& Riley, Bella, & Adelyn)]

Thinking of you. Please don't change anything about yourself or your pursuit of another child because of what other people think.

Also, I don't seem to be able to choose to be happy when I want to be, but there is a whole push toward this idea of happiness as a pursuit, as opposed to the pathological focus of treating un-happiness (eg depression, bipolar, etc) so I think you're on to something. Haven't read the book though yet - there is some book by a famous psychologist and damned if I can remember who wrote it or what it's called but it's on my list. Now if only I could find my list...

[Emily Drew]

Though I know you're still sad, I'm glad you are "feeling a bit better" and trying again. Bad apples be damned (or at least thrown at each other)

[Cat, Galloping]

To answer your last question? Yes. I do believe we can CHOOSE to be happy. I also believe that if we fake happy long enough, it can turn into ACTUAL happiness. By no means do I believe this is easy, and the last thing I would want to imply is that anyone chooses unhappiness, thereby somehow laying blame. I just know that there are times in my life when I have been miserable, followed by times when I've made a conscious decision to be happy and it's worked. So. What did you guys conclude?

[susan]

Well, I must say, you DO bounce back. That's just one of the things that keeps me coming back to your blog as often as possible. You're clearly very witty, your sense of style and humor shine through even the sad posts.

I do believe that you can *choose* to be happy. In fact, I think that's what separates the masses. In any given situation where you cannot possibly change the outcome (you find out you have something like MS for exammple), you can either wallow in self pity (which we all do and I think NEED to do - for a while), then you either continue to fade away into depression and sadness or you decide to be happy.

Now, I know that some depression is caused by chemicals internets, no need to rail away at me. I'm talking about the sadness that comes from learning that you're forced into a situation where no matter how good you are at doing, or not doing, all the right things, you can't change the outcome (like the MS - or Infertility). Those are the situations where I think you either have to say to yourself, "Well, so this is my reality. How do I make the best life for myself going forward given this situation?" or you say, "Aw, screw this, my life sucks. I'll never be happy again."

And yes, there are shades of grey there - as always. But to answer your question, I think it's essential, especially for us infertiles, to choose to be happy. Faced with the facts, we do what we can. We pick ourselves up again and we make a plan for next month and the one after that. And during that time, we can choose to be miserable about it or we can choose the other.

I love to see that you have chosen 'happy.' Me too. (Of course, "happy" doesn't necessarily prevent "ranty" as is evidenced by my latest post, but nevertheless...)

[Danielle]

I wish I was half as smart, brave, funny and tenacious as you are.

[ManhattanAnne]

Julia- Glad you're back in fighting form. I do so hope your perseverance will pay off. Which begs another question... If virtue is its own reward, what's the prize for perseverance?

Kat- So very sorry to hear about your loss. I've been in that raw place where you're so sad about a miscarriage you need to post your news on someone else's blog, just to see it written down. Hang in there.

[Ninotchka]

Count me in as one who is very happy to see your spirits lifted. I can't imagine anyone EVER saying just give up already. But the world is ripe with assholes, isn't it? Glad you pre-empted any possible Secondary Infertility drive-by's with that ever eloquent "blow me." ha ha

Have fun on your trip!

[Dead Bug]

Can you patent and start marketing your resiliency, please? Talk about the next blockbuster drug--big pharma would pee themselves for a shot at the distribution rights.

--Bugs

[anonymousey]

About hapiness...

Fake it til you make it. People think they must *have* something to *be* something. (If I *have* more money, I'll *be* happy. If I *have* a tan, I'll *be* more beautiful.) If you *be* before you *have*, you'll draw like energy to yourself. Therefore, BE happy and you will HAVE everything you need. (Notice - need, not want.)

[dish]

Sorry for the shitty gene report. Thinking of you.

Have a safe trip and guzzle that moonshine, girl.

[christine]

I like your attitude. I wish you good luck with your latest plan.

And I absolutely think happiness is a choice. I spend my day working with people who want for absolutely nothing, and believe me, the ones who are happy don't come that way by their wallets.

[Donnie]

A favor:
I need to know where the "twirling, twirling" thing comes from. SNL sketch or your brain?
It sounds so familiar and is, of course, hilarious.
I'll be thinking of this all night...
-D.

As for the people who for some reason think they have a right to question your reproductive choices- screw 'em. You know what's right for you. Obviously! :)

[im2fub9]

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