We Never Made It To Speech Therapy

I was driving Patrick to speech therapy today when the tire blew out. And I am not referring to a genteel flattening, a subtle lessening of pressure marked by the almost imperceptible sssssssssssssssssssssssssssst. No, the tire essentially exploded with a resounding Blammo! and I expect they will be picking up the shreds as far away as Missouri.

Things I Was Doing Wrong At The Time:

1. Driving 75 mph (it was the interstate!)

2. Driving an SUV in the first place (it is Minnesota, people, and we are rural) 

3. Talking on the cell phone to my mother

4. Wondering why the car was suddenly driving all funny

5. Forgetting entirely that I had called Steve on Tuesday and told him that the car was driving all funny and that he had told me that the rear tire might have a nail in it, so remind him to take care of it

It was actually pretty scary and I had a hard time getting enough control of the car to get over to the shoulder. Well, to get over to what one would expect to be the shoulder except there wasn't one. Just a grassy slope, really.

Humiliating Things That Happened Afterwards

1. The state trooper had to tell me to turn down The Killers CD because he couldn't hear me

2. I discovered that I do not know where the jack is in the car

3. Ditto that on the reflective safety thingies and the, uh, spare tire

4. I further discovered that I could not figure out how to use the jack once I had located it

5. It did not matter anyway because I was not strong enough to get the bolt off the spare tire (UNDER the car! who knew?)

6. I am no longer (like that? the implication there?) hot enough to bring trucks screeching to a halt at my distress

7. My husband had to come rescue me

As I waited for Steve and listened to Patrick repeating, "What happened to the tire? Why are we stuck in the dirt?" I contemplated the things that I am not very good at, despite extensive practice.

I compiled the following short list:

1. Driving

2. Loading the dishwasher

3. Directions: giving them, taking them, or improvising them in the event of a wrong turn

4. Blowjobs

5. Styling my hair

6. Cooking boneless skinless chicken breast

I am going to be gone for a few days, like I said, and I just hate it when I come back to a dark and quiet blog. So, if you would be so kind, would you leave a comment indicating what you do badly but often? It might help me to feel less *sob* ALONE.

Much obliged.

Comments

[Emily]

One word for you -- AAA.

Absolutely loading the dishwasher -- just ask my husband, the engineer who I drive crazy at my weird 'spatial' relationships (read -- getting into the dishwashers at all costs). Oh yes, and I CANNOT, for the life of me, make a good grilled cheese.

[Susan]

Bad but often? Cook. I can't cook. Dinner is always an adventure around here!

[-AM]

Telling left from right. Seriously.

Also, West and East. I once was supposed to drive from Pittsburg to State College (middle of PA), and finally realized I'd gone the wrong direction when I hit the WESTERN border of Ohio...

[VHMPrincess]

bad but often?

Try to resist sweets!
Try not to surf too much.
Try not to spend too much while shopping.
Ditto, directions, following or giving.

[lynn]

Sit-ups. Pull-ups (exercise on the bar, not the potty-training version). Volleyball. God, every gym class I ever took, volleyball was played. Graciously accepting a negative beta result -- I've had so much practice, now why can't I get that right?

And you're not alone on the boneless, skinless chicken breast front. I stupidly persist in not only cooking the damn dry tasteless things in the first place, but then forget that chicken re-heats HORRIBLY in the microwave (ewwww).

Have a good break. You need it. But we'll miss you.

[Zoot]

Bad but often?

Laundry (something always gets ruined)
Driving (I don't take left hand turns across highways - so I'll add another 20 minutes on a trip across town to avoid left hand turns)
Painting my nails

[wix]

things i do badly and often:
1. singing
2. writing
3. cracking jokes
4. sewing
5. balancing life and work
6. making unintentional puns
i could go on, but i'll spare you. <--see? i made that pun on your spare tire problems and then had to add #6. gah.

on the boneless-skinless chicken, here's the only way i know to cook it without embarrassing myself (assuming that it hasn't been cut up and sauced--i can do that pretty well, too):

0. warm a heavy, evenly-heating skillet with a lid for about 8 minutes on medium/medium-high heat (6 or 7 on a 1-10 scale)
1. heat 1 part each of olive oil and butter until the butter begins to brown and the pan has *just* started to smoke
2. throw the chicken on, set the timer for 4 minutes, and walk away
3. check gently for golden-brownness after 4 minutes, keep going for another minute or two if necessary
4. turn the chicken, put the lid on the pan, set the timer for 5 minutes, and walk away

that should do it. you may want to cut into the thickest part of the breast to check for donenness until you get the times down for your equipment. another alternative is to flatten the chicken somewhat, so it cooks more quickly, with a mallet or rolling pin--thinned-out breasts don't require the lid after flipping. this works well for both marinated and plain chicken, and this is how i cook salmon as well. yum!

[Louise]

1. Slicing vegetables.
2. Doing my hair -- you'd think after 25 years I could make it look less like I was a homeless person, but you know what? I can't.
3. Handjobs.
4. Run. Apparently I look like a duck.
5. Turn thoughts into coherent spoken sentences. Even though I talk all the time, and bring things up in class more than any other person I know. Usually I end my statement with "Did that made sense?" and sometimes my professors tell me it didn't. I do that when I post comments too. Often I don't make sense unless I take time to.

Apparently I'm not so hot at reading either. I read the beginning of the recipe above as "O warm and heavenly evening" and was trying to figure out why someone was leaving you a poem.

Anyway. Hurry back to posting.

[AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch]

yay! I suck at blow jobs too!

•Remembering things
•doing my hair
•parallel parking
•making frozen pizza (true! I amlways burn it!)

[Jessica (Seattle)]

Reading not only your list but the lists of everyone on the comments has me in tears (funny-ha-ha tears, not sad tears). Especially Louise reading the beginning of the chicken recipe as "O warm and heavenly evening," partly because that's just fucking funny, but mostly because I did the same thing and had to re-read it twice before I figured out what the hell she was posting about.

I'd say ditto all of your list, substituting handjobs for blowjobs, plus:
walk, talk, sit, stand and generally live without spilling or knocking things over.

By the way, I can't resist the opportunity to tell you-I started a blog, after giving up on MomsToday back in December. http://www.simplepleasures.blog-city.com/

I haven't posted (to you) in awhile but do check in every day. You've got so many fans, by the time I get here the only thing I can think to say is "ditto all of them" and that's just not very witty. At any rate, the thing I have mostly been thinking is that I'm really sorry that you're going through such a painful, frustrating journey right now, and that I hope for a healthy pregnancy for you every day.

Jessica

Sorry about the tire; that sucks. I echo Emily - AAA. It pays for itself in my life.

[Lisa S (& Riley, Bella, & Adelyn)]

Badly AND often? Well, I'll take cleaning off of that list then.

Uh, exercise too.

Sooo....diet, I guess. And parenting. And general housekeeping. And recently, I went back to work doing some mental health stuff part time for kids, and I'm not so sure I'm any good at that, either.

But I can cook, and eat. And I'm damn good at blowjobs but they are infrequent.

[Jessica D]

AAA, man.

I'm with you on the driving and the blowjobs, and I can't tell left from right either. I'm also bad at wrapping presents, keeping my house clean, computer programming, post-calculus mathematics, and sports (all of them, as far as I know).

[Melissa]

Badly and often? That's hard. If I'm bad at it then I tend to avoid it entirely, so:

1. Housekeeping. I suck at this.

2. Go to bed early.

3. Bake. I don't bake much but I am bad at it.

[Erica]

Playing Barbies
Writing
Cooking rice

I gotta wonder -- do men really think that there is such a thing as a bad blowjob? And even if they did, would they be so stupid as to complain? And I'm glad that you and Patrick are safe and sound.

[Dead Bug]

Functioning without caffeine

Updating my virus protection

Remembering not to nag Jeff about his driving (he recently suggested that we take two cars at all times so he doesn't have to listen to me screeching, "Speed up, honey! You can't go 52 MPH on the freeway!" ever again. Yeah, I know, I should just drive all the time instead, but he gets carsick as a passenger.)

--Bugs

Getting the back-of-head cowlick to lay down nicely with the rest of my mop

Flossing. I always go too fast and cut my gums.

Ditto on blowjobs: Since that's the only action Jeff is getting these days, I try--I really do--to make it last a while and all, but then my sinuses start to run and I just get it over with as quickly as possible. Soooo sexy.

I also have a whole post full of Things I'm Really Bad At, if you would care to waste a few minutes getting to know more embarrassingly bad things about me: http://deadbugs.blogspot.com/2004/10/things-i-am-really-bad-at.html

[Jen (yup, another one)]

1. Estimating time. "I'll be done in a minute" (esp. bad when what I am doing is surfing) or "I have time to do this and this before that" Very bad, very often. I recently had to tell my partner, "Being good at estimating time was NOT one of my wedding vows." She said, "I know, but I married you anyway."
2. Resisting chocolate (and Coca-cola).
3. Managing people. (I'd rather do it myself than delegate or supervise. Can we say control issues?)
4. Keeping control of the paper in my life. Paper sucks. I haven't seen my dining room table in weeks.
5. Being brief!

[Kate]

Well, yesterday morning, I left messages for four people to see what they wanted to eat at a lunch meeting I had arranged for that afternoon, only to have one of them (the actual client) call me back to tell me that the meeting was scheduled for next week. And I can't blame it on just getting signals crossed - I set up the meeting, invited everyone to attend (some from across the country), set the agenda, coordinated conflicting schedules, arranged the whole thing. Somehow, though, everyone knew that the meeting was next week, except for me.

And then, yesterday afternoon, I realized 15 minutes before 30 people were due to show up at my office that I had mistakenly booked the catering and the conference space for next week, instead of this week, and didn't have anywhere to put them.

So that was impressive. Apparently I'm VERY bad at setting up meetings, even though I do it on a regular basis. Also apparently bad at: appearing competent in front of clients.

[Libby]

1. Driving

2. Directions. I have absolutely no sense of direction. I don't know which way is east or west. I get lost in my neightbourhood and I've lived there for almost 4 years. It is really pathetic. This is the main reason why I suck at driving. I am too concerned with not getting lost.

3. Folding clothes. Fitted sheets are the worst.

4. Laundry. Because I can't keep a freaking pair of socks together. Where the hell are all those socks? How can they just dissapear? It's a mistery.

5. Walking without bumping into things (like walls, coffe tables, doors ,etc).

[Libby]

I forgot to say that I am glad that you are Patrick are safe and sound. Have a safe trip!

[FabGirlie]

Oh, this is easy-peasy:
Taking the time to match up socks. I have two (count 'em TWO) laundry baskets of unmatche/unfolded socks. Shame on me!
Throwing out old food in the fridge. We are, I'm sure, on the watch-list for the CDC.
Emailing family/friends back. I write for a living and DO I REALLY WANT TO WRITE ANOTHER EMAIL? I think not.
Getting the kids out the door, ON TIME, every morning.
Sleeping the whole night through. I ALWAYS wake up at 4:00 am for a wee. Sucks because then I toss and turn trying to get comfy and warm again. (Which then wakes up the husband, who will be all amorous while I JUST WANNA SLEEP)
Remembering to make dentists appt's. My poor children. Thank God they have good teeth.
Dusting. (what a lame job)
Keeping my garage clean. (it's a hellhole right now. Looks like a trailer park exploded in there, replete with racoon droppings.)
Commenting on other people's blogs. ( I try, I do. But I'm always afraid people will think I'm lame. Which I am.)
Two things I can do:
Pay my AAA membership each year and give good blowjobs. (or so the husbando says.)
Not very impressive, is it?

[Annie]

Badly but often:

Keeping track of my wallet, glasses, keys, and other necessary miscellanea. My brother finally gave me a wallet on a chain for my bag.

Waking up and getting to work on time. My fiance has to physically pick me up and drag me out of bed, while I make squawking sounds--and I'm just lucky that he finds the sounds charming. I can actually feel the sleep draining from my brain about 10 minutes after I'm on my feet.

Dishes. I gave up. Ditto the laundry. He does them. But I cook great!

[Judy]

I'm bad at all 'stage talents' (singing, dancing, etc..) Which is a pretty bad category of things to be bad at, because you're forced into these things during adolesence (damn those required music/drama courses) and as a result your lack of talent is completely put on display for the rest of the adolesecnt world to laugh at. Imagine if you will a math teacher that repeately put the worst math students scores up for display - would the PTA allow that - NO..

Oh, and I'm pretty bad at foreign languages as well. Damn those irregular verbs. I would frequently ask "why don't they just change the language so all the verbs work according to the same rule?"

And, last but not least I'm a horrific housewife. Not only do I not get things done myself, but I bitch when my husband doesn't do things my way. Hey, at least I can laugh at myself..

[Once More]

TYPING. Eventually my friends have to decode my "language". the ONE class I should have *never* cheated in...who knew looking at the keyboard would come back to bite me in the ass.

[Danielle]

Your entertainment will be missed.

I, like one of the other commenters said, visit often and this is the first time I've posted.

1.) I'm a terrible backseat driver.
2.) Sports, of any kind. I really enjoy playing volleyball and that's the only one I've attempted, but I'm really really bad at it.
3.) Being funny. My husband is hysterically sacrcastic and I've tried to be funny, but it comes out badly. See my blog for evidence of this.
4.) Doing hair is on my list too. I dread the day that I actually need to style it.
5.) Chopping vegetables, particularly onions. I watch cooking shows and even have the cool santoku knive (it's really sharp, I've already sacrificed some of my blood to it) but I just always wind up messing it up. And since I do the cooking, I'm always chopping something. The recipe for cooking boneless, skinless chicken sounds just like mine, so I say go for it.
6.) Being creative in the bedroom. [I give an OK BJ-never had a complaint :)] Even before infertility I wasn't creative, I don't know what I'll do for the next 60 years.

I'm done hijacking your blog now.

Come back soon.

[Soper]

Things I am bad At
(A List, By Soper)

1. Spelling
2. Math
3. Knowing when to shut up
4. Housework, all types
5. Letting go
6. Relaxing
7. Exercising
8. Hiding the chocolate so my husband can't find it
9. Remember what to buy at the grocery
10. Making babies

[Cat, Galloping]

Despite the fact that I work with numbers all day every day, I am unable to write down phone numbers and addresses correctly. I have to plan to get places extra early to make up for all the time I will then spend trying to figure out where I was supposed to be and how to get there.

[Michelle]

1. Parking

2. Cleaning my house

3. Driving in the dark

4. Blowjobs

5. Styling my hair

6. Cooking boneless skinless chicken breast

:)

[Casey]

I am super bad at

-doing arithmetic in my head
-remaining calm in a crisis
-recognizing when a conversation is dead
-every aspect of cooking (one of the reasons we're vegan is because no one will get salmonella poisoning if I undercook the beans or get their juices all over the kitchen.)
-staying on task
-coming up with clever comebacks

[Tonya]

You know what I decided about a year ago, much to Jarrod's distress? That although I am darn good at giving blowjobs, I just really don't care for the exercise at all. Thus, I have almost completely cut them off of my To Do list.

Things that I am not good at? Well, let's just say that I am not a clean freak. The other elephant in the room would be my inability to say no to one more libation.

Enjoy your time down yonder.

[Cecily]

Um, things I do badly I just stop doing. I make my husband do that.

Oh, and you bad blow job people? You so need to email me. I am a totally AWESOME blow job giver.

[Katherine]

I absolutely suck at being "normal."

I don't know how to change a tire, either.

[corvine]

I can't tell the time on an analogue clock. Neither can I tell my left from my right without serious thought. I am so going to fail my driving test on that one.

But I give great head. So, yeah.

[Liz]

Poorly and often, I:

1. Dress myself (I completely missed out on all the 'fashion' and 'style' genes. Clothes, hair, makeup - it's all bad. Don't even talk to me about shoes.)
2. Eat a meal (Despite many years of practice, I am utterly unable to walk away from a meal involving tomatoes, sauces, or - heavens forbid - both without having a little blorp of food on my shirt. Usually, of course, right on my boob.)
3. Parent (It can't be HER fault. She is precious and perfect. It must be something I'M doing wrong that makes her scream like I'm lowering her slowly into boiling lava every time I tell her she can't go outside and play in the rain. Oh, wait. She's almost 2. Nevermind this one.)

[Jen]

First, please enjoy your trip down south. Any chance the Moonshine is actually corn likker? (A girl can dream!)

I don't know that this qualifies as an activity at which I suck, but it has come to my attention recently that I am really good at breaking plastic items. In the past few months, I've broken a melamine mixing bowl (powder blue, from WS, one of three, very sad), and a saucy red ergonomically correct plastic water bottle; and when I say "broken" I mean shattered into pieces, not just dented or lightly maimed.

Other things I do regularly, but poorly:

1. Tell my left from my right, especially when giving directions (the husband and I have created a new shorthand, whereby I point in front of him for a left turn, and smack the window for a right turn. Crude but effective).

2. Care for plants. I seem to kill anything I touch.

3. Remember everything I need at the grocery store (unless, of course, it makes it to The List).

As I am a control freak perfectionist, these transgressions bother me more than is right or good. Glad to hear others suffer from similar afflictions!

[Scully]

So, which song was playing on the Killers album:

Mr. Brightside? Jenny was a Friend of Mine (A personal fave) or Smile like you mean it?

I do lots and lots of things very badly:

1. I have absolutely no sense of direction. I need those colour-coded hospital lines in my tiny 750 sq. ft. apartment I'm so confused with directions.

2. I can't drive. I have taken lessons several times and I have failed the driver's test three times. I failed my learner's test twice. You don't even want to see me attempt a left hand turn.

3. I can't walk up or down stairs without tripping. I have poor depth perception. It's sad.

4. I couldn't add 2 + 2 if I tried. I have a strong bookkeeping background and I'm the executive assistant to the Controller of a large firm.

The list goes on.

Sorry to hear about your blow out and your inability to do No. 4 on your list. I don't think the world is going to end if you're not good at that one. Some men would disagree.

Have a great trip.

[Susy]

Things I'm bad at (or, things I LACK entirely):

1. TACT
2. patience
3. will power
4. math
5. logic problems
6. discipline (of myself)

I'm sure you give excellent blow jobs.

[Jess]

Open things. Especially things holding food. I shred milk containers and cracker boxes.

[elisabeth]

I also suck at giving blow jobs (snort).
I can not resist bad puns and am a terrible joke teller. (obviously)
I am a fashion nightmare, can't put on makeup without looking like a 'ho.
It is impossible for me to keep my opinions to myself.
I am incredibly bad at bowling.

[KT]

Let's see... I can't walk, does that count? I am constantly walking into the corners of hallways, or forking my small toe against table-legs. If people still asked those sorts of questions these days, I'd be on the list of abused housewives. I am always bruised. Yes, really, I ran into the fracking door knob, ok. So I'm stupid, but really, that's what happened.

I can't open those stupid slat-blinds without pulling the entire thing down on my head or getting the strings tangled up or breaking a slat or... god I hate those things. Why do they put them in apartments? Is it just sadism?

I take completely sucky photographs - both in what I look like in a photo and what photos look like that I took.

I am bad at any type of sex that involves me putting weight on my hands and wrists.

I am bad at dressing up, applying or wearing makeup, styling my hair, putting on stockings (I always get a run) or otherwise looking "nice." I couldn't paint my finger or toenails if you put a gun to my head. And if I did, I'd be picking paint chips off within an hour.

I'm also not particularly good at remembering what day it is - or date. Or birthdays/anniversaries/special events and I might further add that I have to sit down and add it up when trying to tell someone how old I am.

[Dooneybug]

So was that 35W or 494 you were on? ;-)

[Gina]

Can I tell you something that drives my DH mad?

Well first, I am great with directions. I can find my way with awful written directions. I just have a feel for it. I can also find my way back to anywhere if I have been there before. So maybe to clarify, I am great with directions but can't give them worth a snit. I have a terrible time remembering left and right. Instead I say this way and that way. Which way is which you say? Well it depends. If I am on the passenger side then THIS WAY is closer to me and to my right. THAT WAY is closer to my husband and on his left. When I am driving, THIS WAY is closer to me and on my left. Get it? See this makes perfect sense to me but drives my husband mad. 12 years and if I say this way and tap my window he goes nuts!

Let's recap: Bad at giving directions!

[Christine]

Clipping dog toenails. I hate doing it. I try to make people go to a groomer, because, seriously, it's not even worth paying me the 9 bucks to shave off millimeters because I don't want to quick them. I don't clip my own dogs' nails.

And loading the dishwasher/putting groceries away. Like Emily, the engineer husband insists I do it wrong. So now I don't do it.

Happy travels.

[Kate]

Cook dinner.

[Reba]

COOKING RICE!

I am a damn good cook but I swear rice was put on this planet to torment me. I measure carefully, try all different brands and tips. I even bought a rice cooker and STILL ruin it every time. I almost blow a gasket when my husband tries to teach me by putting "some" water in a pot, chucks in a "handful" of rice, carelessly turns the element to "somewhere between med and hi" and then at "whatever" time turns out perfect white rice. WHY WHY WHY????

PS - I feel soooo much better that someone else actually put rice on their list too. :)

[KimN]

This was hilarious!

I am 100% with Corvinne on telling time with an analog clock. Everytime someone asks me what time it is I stare at my watch and then utter a long drawn out stupid sounding "uhhhhhhhhhhh" while trying to figure out what time it actually is. Its sad really.

I'm also really bad about asking my husband to do something (such as loading the dishwasher or cooking dinner) and then telling him how I would do it. I'm like the back seat driver to household tasks.

P.S. - I love the Killers. Mr Brightside is my current Friday song (the song I blast as I'm peeling out of work at 5PM on a Friday).

KimN (Inward Musings)

[LT]

1. Find my way from one place to another
2. Drive
3. Get dressed in the morning
4. Cook
5. Iron (I also iron my husband's clothes every night because I am saintly that way and he recently informed me that he is too embarassed to take off his jacket at work and display his badly ironed shirt)

[Tessa]

Couldn't resist this one:

1) Loading the dishwasher. We typically have to rewash everything.

2) Pretending I know technical terms for computer stuff and reason why things don't work. For instance, "your pdf file didn't print because you probably dont have the right driver installed."

3) Parallel parking.

4) Sewing quilts for baby presents, even though everyone seems to love them. They always seem lopsided and amateurish to me.

[Carrie]

I suck at putting laundry away, hence the reason there are 3 laundry baskets full of clean clothes in my bedroom right now. They will stay that way for at least a week, until someone needs socks.
Remembering appointments. I write the date and times down but almost always think they are a week later than what they are.
I can't grow a flower to save my life, but my vegetable garden is outstanding every year.
Carrie

[MelissaS]

I have it on good authority that unless you bite during one, there's really no such thing as a 'bad' blowjob.

I am very bad at:

1) Maintaining a mild buzz when drinking liquor all night. Beer and wine, I can control. Liquor, I can't.

2) applying makeup.

3) driving while going slowly. I've had so many car maiming run ins while driving or parking.

There are more but I'll leave them this week. Have fun.

[Kristine]

Apparently I'm bad at blowjobs too, although I agree with Erica-- my husband should shut up and take what he can get. Perhaps I'll go see what Cecily can teach me... only to better myself as a well-rounded person, mind you.
I am also bad at cooking. More meaning that I'm bad about actually doing it. And I am a bad dishwasher loader.