We Never Made It To Speech Therapy

I was driving Patrick to speech therapy today when the tire blew out. And I am not referring to a genteel flattening, a subtle lessening of pressure marked by the almost imperceptible sssssssssssssssssssssssssssst. No, the tire essentially exploded with a resounding Blammo! and I expect they will be picking up the shreds as far away as Missouri.

Things I Was Doing Wrong At The Time:

1. Driving 75 mph (it was the interstate!)

2. Driving an SUV in the first place (it is Minnesota, people, and we are rural) 

3. Talking on the cell phone to my mother

4. Wondering why the car was suddenly driving all funny

5. Forgetting entirely that I had called Steve on Tuesday and told him that the car was driving all funny and that he had told me that the rear tire might have a nail in it, so remind him to take care of it

It was actually pretty scary and I had a hard time getting enough control of the car to get over to the shoulder. Well, to get over to what one would expect to be the shoulder except there wasn't one. Just a grassy slope, really.

Humiliating Things That Happened Afterwards

1. The state trooper had to tell me to turn down The Killers CD because he couldn't hear me

2. I discovered that I do not know where the jack is in the car

3. Ditto that on the reflective safety thingies and the, uh, spare tire

4. I further discovered that I could not figure out how to use the jack once I had located it

5. It did not matter anyway because I was not strong enough to get the bolt off the spare tire (UNDER the car! who knew?)

6. I am no longer (like that? the implication there?) hot enough to bring trucks screeching to a halt at my distress

7. My husband had to come rescue me

As I waited for Steve and listened to Patrick repeating, "What happened to the tire? Why are we stuck in the dirt?" I contemplated the things that I am not very good at, despite extensive practice.

I compiled the following short list:

1. Driving

2. Loading the dishwasher

3. Directions: giving them, taking them, or improvising them in the event of a wrong turn

4. Blowjobs

5. Styling my hair

6. Cooking boneless skinless chicken breast

I am going to be gone for a few days, like I said, and I just hate it when I come back to a dark and quiet blog. So, if you would be so kind, would you leave a comment indicating what you do badly but often? It might help me to feel less *sob* ALONE.

Much obliged.

Comments

[MistressMary]

1. Wearing shoes. Every single pair of shoes in the world hurts my feet, except for huge ugly jogging shoes and Chaco sandals.
2. Remaining calm when I find out that my teenage daughter is doing the exact same shit I did when I was her age.
3. Finding my way anywhere. I have lived in the same area for my entire 47 years and I still get lost.
4. Following through on stuff that I unwisely said I would do.
5. Wrapping presents. 4 year olds can wrap better than me.
6. I always thought I was ok at blowjobs, but I am starting to worry, now that I find out so many of my sisters, uh, suck at it. heh. I said "suck".
7. Dressing myself in general. I am a major dork.

Lots of other stuff, but I'm starting to feel a little depressed now. When you get back, can we do a list of the things we do well? Please?

[Lisa D.]

The Killers! I love that CD. Did you know that they are playing in Minneapolis on May 21st? It is a Saturday night so start looking for a babysitter now. If Steve won't go with you let me know and I'll fly to MN for a weekend.

I was just thinking today about how sucky my driving has gotten lately (as I cut off the third driver of the day). Of course, I was rushing to get to work because I cannot get my ass out of bed at a reasonable time. And then I was rushing to pick up Sean from school because I cannot manage to leave the office on time. None of this would be happening if I could just say "no" better - my "job" is volunteer, as in unpaid, and involves a dowtown commute two days per week, paying for parking and giving up all the free time that I planned to have while my son attended school two days per week. Yep, that is a decent list of things that I suck at these days.

Glad you and Patrick are ok. Your pride will heal - maybe some moonshine will help.

[Jb]

any sport that requires even a moderate amount of hand-eye coordination

[terri c]

1. Driving
2. Cooking
3. Housework
4. Managing money

But I do have a great story about blowing a tire on the highway and having to phone AAA from a biker bar...

[Chasmyn]

I cannot cook pancakes or grilled cheese without either burning them or having them be entirely underdone on the inside.

Handjobs - not so good at - I get sweaty hands and it creates uncomfortable friction. Thank Goddess someone else admitted that one before me.

Sticking to a completely healthy way of eating.

[grumpygirl]

so many things i do badly and often, so little time.

--cleaning. i suck at it, though i don't do it that often so i'm wondering if it counts.

--making salad dressing or coffee. i can make everything else beautifully, but those two elude me.

--eyebrow plucking. i should just leave it to the professionals because i always end up lopsided.

--math. can't even go there i'm so bad at it.

--dating. i am constantly out on one blind date or another, and they're all terrible.

[Mollie]

Oh, I don't know. The blow job you gave me was perfectly acceptable.

As for me, I lack skill in the following daily tasks:

cooking (we average four meals a week that were previously frozen by a robot in a factory somewhere)

gardening (I now live in a place where any idiot monkey can put plants in the ground and then have to whack them with a machete every week in order to keep them from overtaking the property, but NOT ME)

reading directions for appliances, gadgets, and gee-gaws (I always just dive in and start madly pressing buttons, because I HATE DIRECTIONS)

assembling anything according to directions (IKEA furniture nearly killed me)

opening wine (I just hand the bottle over to someone else immediately, lest we all end up spitting out cork bits)

folding fitted sheets (someone mentioned this earlier; I know Martha Stewart has a way to do this, but I always just end up kind of rolling the fuckers into a ball and flattening the wad as I shove it into the linen closet)

being a wife (I have my transcendent moments, but they are few and far between. Mostly I am just a shrewish cunt who barks orders, sighs audibly, and pouts often)

taking a crap (how can someone so full of shit have such a hard time producing a bowel movement??)

remembering names.

Thanks for letting me vent, uh, um... starts with "j."

[wdc]

I can't do North, South, East, West, at all. When someone says "Go South on XYZ turn East at PDQ" Um, what? I am way better at "turn right at the big oak tree, left at McDonalds and right at the street that has a sidewalk tile missing because of the big tree." Finally I had to buy a compass that sticks to my window (I am a nerd) because people refused to give directions they way I needed them. Damn them. I still screw up directions though. It's hopeless.

[eddo]

I JUST posted a similar listing a couple of days ago...

[Rhonda]

Getting anywhere on time (especially if I'm reading blogs).

Getting to bed at a time that would guarantee a decent amount of sleep. (Ditto.)

Getting up and out in the morning, especially given the two issues above.

But! I am about to embark on a career that involves being on time for appointments if I want people to hire me more than once, so I really need to work on these.

What else? Um... I am excellent at resolving (daily!) to write down everything I eat, but I suck at following through.

[kaykota]

omg this is hilarious...

I suck at putting laundry away and I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

Next is, trying to figure out what to make for dinner. I hate house work and house work hates me. Dieting? Bah hahahaaa. Awful at it.

Oh and Cecily, spill the beans on the truly successful mindspinning blowjob would ya?

[wessel]

Geez, I'm just glad you are all right after blowing a tire. That can be really dangerous.

Okay, my list of THINGS I'M OBVIOUSLY HORRIBLE AT DOING is really too long, so will just give you highlights:

1) Finding an egg donor
2) Finding an egg donor
3) Finding an egg donor
4) Finding an egg donor
5) Finding an egg donor

Other things I'm no good at:

6) addition and subtraction

7) multiplication and division

8) fractions and decimals

9) balancing checkbook (don't do it)

10) cooking rice that doesn't glom up into a big mushy ball of white gooey stuff

11) sticking to any self-improvement plan for more than two hours

12) following a recipe

[Stacey]

I am really bad at 2 things in particular:

1. Laundry: love to wash/dry hate folding/putting away. I will pick out all the towels and washcloths but everything else ends up in a basket until I or dh gets fed up and finally puts it away.

2. Cooking: My dh was gone 6 months one time (job stuff) and I lost 20 lbs. Seriously. He does all the cooking and I would rather eat cereal than cook. I lived on Lean Cuisine and Frosted Mini Wheats.

I give a damn good BJ ;)

[KellyH]

So, what constitutes a bad blowjob, other than biting?

Things I'm bad at:
-Math. It's a good thing I married an engineer, so he can help the kids with math. I'll stick to English and reading.
-Ironing. I think I'm bad at it because I HATE IT SO MUCH.
-Getting my 2 1/2 year old to bed at a decent time.
-Keeping the house tidy. We have clean clothes, but the clutter around here is out of control.
-Applying eye shadow. I don't have occasion to wear it often, but when I try. . . you don't even wanna imagine.
-Styling my own hair.

[Floyd]

Okay, let's see -

1. Cooking - being recently entrusted with the care of my little sister, I feel I should be making meals...but Arby's does it much better.
2. Handjobs - why do something that they have been practicing at all their lives and are naturally better at? Blowjobs, however, no problem.
3. Cleaning - doesn't matter how hard I try and how long I do it, house is still a bio-hazard.
4. Getting anything done on time - it's April 15 and I haven't even started my taxes.

[Sherry]

I, too, am not proficient at loading the dishwasher...THAT is a husband's job. :)

Let's see, other things I'm not very proficient at:

1. Cleaning. Not so much the actual cleaning part, but the efficiency in which I clean. My sister has a house nearly double the size of mine, plus two kids, plus a blossoming business, and STILL manages to keep it spotless and get to bed a reasonable hour. Mine? Takes days.

2. Driving. I've gotten better over the years, but I still get a little shaky in unfamiliar areas. Not to mention, I'm an angry driver. That NEVER helps.

Sorry for the short list (total brain misfire at the moment), because I'm sure there are many, many more...

[Tine]

Oh, there's a long list of things I do badly. But this one's probably the worst:

I play the mandolin. I am a hack. But I'm also in a band!

[SusieJ]

Rythm. All things musical, really, but rythm is easiest and therefore most embarrassing to be bad at. In all areas too: clapping to music (I follow everyone else), dancing (you can practically hear me counting one-two-three-four), bouncing/patting babies (I had two rythms going, impressing my musically inclined husband, who told that for anyone with a sense of rythm, it's impossible to do that). I can't even spell the stupid word.

Follow through. My weekly list is still half incomplete, which wouldn't be bad if most of the list wasn't "call X" and "call Y" and "schedule Z." Getting off the couch isn't even required.

Boneless, skinless breasts aren't natural. No one can cook them.

--SJ

[Heather]

I'm horrible at anything before my first cup of coffee, especially answering multiple questions at me fired at random. That's my DH, not DD. She's nice and quiet before her cup of chocolate milk.

BTW, I have a fix for the cooking boneless chicken. 350 degrees oven and 30 minutes. No fail. If you grill them and have a thermometer on your grill like mine, same thing 350 degrees and 30 minutes. Just turn it over after 15 minutes if you're using a grill.

[Sylvie]

1. Grocery shopping for enough food to last more than 1 day.
2. Remembering tampons and Advil on the right day.
3. Maintaining organization in sock drawer.
4. Ironing(except that one I almost never attempt any more.)

[Jenn]

1. Extraneous grooming (make-up, hair, shaving, plucking, etc.)

2. parking

3. making babies

4. getting off my ass

Handjobs were a problem until i discovered the wonders of lube! And I give a kick ass blow job!

[Another Carrie]

These are hilarious.

I sucketh at:

- Planning and following through on dinner every night. I CAN cook, but I don't LIKE to cook. For three years, I was the primary breadwinner, and my hubbie had dinner on the table every night at 6. Now that it's my turn? I've had to concede that he's a much better hausfrau than I. I'm embarassed to tell you how often he comes home and makes dinner while still in his suit.

- Directions. I also have absolutely no sense of direction. My five year old sometimes helps me navigate. THAT is embarassing "Mommy? I think you were supposed to turn the other way back there."

- Patience.

- Remembering names. And I'm usually working for/with politicians! ha ha! Not good.

[Carrie]

I cannot drive in the rain no matter how hard I try, and I cannot pluck my eyebrows like a rational woman. I pluck and pluck and pluck obsessively and then bitch because holes and bare spots. However, I do give the best blow jobs around. Really, ask anybody. (Kidding!) I think the key to it is really liking to do it, or if you don't convincing the guy that you really like to do it and are really into it, then no matter what, he's happy. Oh, and, um....swallow.

[laura]

Bad but often? Dress myself. You should see me today. My stomach is hanging over the top of my pants, and I suspect I have camel toe. Yet I keep trying. Every day, I dress myself.

[m]

1. Keeping the house clean. 2. Dressing up and looking good AND not feeling very uncomfortable. 3. Public speaking, even if it's only in front of a few people. Inappropriate, uncontrollable laughter just seems to spew from my mouth and I can feel my face turning red. 4. Portion control. Among others. But no camel toe & I'm told the BJ's are v good. The man's not stupid!

[Thalia]

Gettings done instead of reading blogs. Wait....

[Thalia]

Getting things done instead of reading blogs. Wait....

[patricia]

Hmm,

I have a reputation for being bad at:

1) Keeping track of my keys.
2) Cleaning out the car.
3) Grocery shopping and the consequent meal planning. I can cook, I just suck at organizing myself to do it.
4) Styling my hair. Although not many people realize this since I never do it. I haven't used a blow dryer in years.
5) Dealing with recurrent miscarriage, but find me someone who is good at it.

[Kim]

what else? ...giving assvice, of course!

[nini]

Glad to hear your spirits are up Julia and that you are safe and sound from your tire incident.

Now, things I am bad at:

1. Drawing or sketching something; it always looks like some abstract Picasso thing and not in a good way either.

2. Taking responsibility. Somehow, I can always figure out a way to blame anything on my husband. "If YOU hadn't done this in the first place then I wouldn't have....) Luckily, he is patient and sweet and laughs at me until I laugh too.

3. Blow jobs. No idea what I'm doing. (Makes you wonder why he's so nice huh)

After reading most of the posts, seems to me, a number of us of people have admitted to #3. Cecily, if you are listening---2 words---DISTANCE LEARNING. Think Porky's movie. Only not in a cafeteria, but in front of a computer, hitting refresh...you get the idea.

[GrumpyPrincess]

1. Carrying things without dropping them.
2. Driving backwards.
3. Styling my hair.
4. Math.
5. Having a middle ground between happy and angry.

[male withheld]

All BJs are either good or damn good.
And if he aint doing any comparison shopping, how the hell would he know?

Bad at:

reading the female mind
speaking the female language
patience
appearing sensitive and thoughtful

[sunny]

I am the absolute worst at "not whining" when I know it'll do the entire world good for me to understand the problem and "not whine about it".

I suck at doing the laundry on time (ie: before everyone runs out of underwear or socks or both), I only include this because even though I don't do it "often", I beat myself down about it on a daily basis.

I totally suck at not flirting with my fiance's friends.

And I simply can't listen to my mother when she gets weepy. No matter how many years of my life I waste in trying.

Also, I tend to over-analyze my BJ's and HJ's to the point where I'm almost in tears wondering if I'm doing things correctly - as in not making things painful. I think I forget that guys do not respond like girls, and they would tell me I was pulling their skin off. I just assume everyone is as timid as I was at 20.

At the moment, I'm hard-pressed to think of a man who would dislike a BJ. Especially so that he'd tell you so.

Does anyone else have the same irrational fears?

[Jill]

1. Housework - though maybe it's not so much that I'm actually bad at it, I just don't do it until I absolutely have to!
2. Forgetting that we Scots have words and phrases of our own, and I drop them into conversation all the time with my English friends, while they look at me with a puzzled look on their face, until I remember I have to translate for them!
3. Handjobs, though I do give good head (or so I've been told!)
4. Keeping my spare room looking like a spare room. It's usually full of unironed clothes, but I'm just back from holiday, so it's also full of the contents of my suitcase and TWO empty suitcases at the moment - please don't anyone come stay with me soon!
5. Witty comebacks - I always think of something about half an hour AFTER the situation has occurred.
6. Remembering stuff - I have a calendar in my kitchen and a desk diary in my bedroom where I write EVERYTHING down - it's the only way!

Now I'm going to go and write down all the stuff I'm good at and cheer myself up!!

Enjoy your trip - I'm one of those lurkers who don't usually post, but this time you've inspired me!

[Bente]

I've been looking up things I hear so often about on blogs such as IUI, D&C and what have you because I don't know much about them all. Anyway, I looked up sonohystereoscopy as well and it's acronym is SHS. Just incase you were still wondering. Hopefully you'll get to read this considering how far down the list this comment is :)

[-Blue]

Well ... I can change a tyre like a member of a pit crew (only child of a car-crazy dad) and give damn good blow jobs (reportedly) but I Super Suck at:

-Keeping my house clean

-Keeping myself clean (I constantly am spilling stuff on my boobs or picking up nasty babies - see below)

-Keeping my children clean (seeing a pattern here?)

-Cooking

-Finishing projects

And I am so fascinated by the concept of what constitues a good blow-job that I think I'll blog about it. Hmmmmmm.

-Blue

[MollieBee]

-cooking

-handwriting

-microsoft excel

-budgeting, I do really well most of the time, then I see a pair of shoes and I'm all: $80? plenty of room in the budget=NSF fees=yelling husband=crying me=oy vey.

BUT!

I am the best c*cksucker in the universe. Don't ask me how I know, I just do.

[Kinneret]

housekeeping, although not the often bit.

staying pregnant.

exercising.

step-parenting.

being graceful. I am the world's worst klutz.

any form of higher math - and they're all higher.

relaxing.

[Heels]

1. balancing the checkbook
2. lie vs lay: can never remember the difference (and I have an English degree)

3. deep fat frying

Hey, MollieBee, those who budget, ahem, creatively, had better be damn fine cocksuckers!

;)

[maia]

First of all, if I ever got a flat tire I would not even attempt a change. I'm not ashamed to confess I would call my hubby, dad or any other capable person I know.

What I do badly... Well, I am 39 next month and I still haven't figured out how to wear anything other than jeans and a sweatshirt on the average day. Serious problem dressing myself. Just once would I like to go clothes shopping and come home with something OTHER than a pair of jeans, a sweatshirt or two, and comfy shoes. Just waiting for FRUMPY to come in style.

[maia]

Wait a minute.. just reading some of the other comments. My husband SWEARS there is no such thing as a "Bad" blowjob! Poor deprived husband. Just waiting for Cecily to post her techniques so I can actually try to pull off a memorable one ;)

[jenni]

The same thing happened this weekend, minus the state trooper. I blew a tire. Fortunately, I had already dropped my Patrick off at school! I didn't even bother trying to change it. I called hubby.

Things I can't do.....

I have no sense of direction. None, nadda, zip. I hate mapquest.

I forget everything. I miss alot of appointments.

I can not build anything.

I don't know anything about cars. Which actually scares me. I'm 5ft4 and some odd pounds and I get worried that if something happens to my car and I'm stranded I won't be able to fix it or fight any one off if they try to "assist" me.

I can't put makeup on. I only know how to put on eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick.

I don't know about bjs. I don't really like oral. Hubby does!

Burping babies. Why, I don't know!

[J]

Julia -

I suck at blow jobs, too. (Pardon the pun)

Come to think of it, I'm an enthusiastic recipient in our bedroom, but not a great reciprocator.

[J]

I didn't mean to imply that I only suck at one thing. That would lead you to think I am perfect.

Nope, I proudly do many things poorly and I always resolve to fix my glaring defects - tomorrow.

But I cannot think about it now . . .

[Sarah]

I am bad at:
caring if the kitchen floor is clean.
math of most sorts.
budgeting money (relates to above).
making new friends.

Sarah

[B. Mare]

Things I am bad at? How much bandwidth have you got?

A short partial list:

* Math of any kind- absolutely hopeless
* Drawing and "crafty things"- no patience whatsoever.
* Cooking-
* Remembering to put the cap back on things
* Telling jokes- I always, always screw up the punchline.

[Suz]

Badly but often:

1) Clean the shower. Do it every weekend. Suck at it.

2) Put on makeup. Really. I've been to those personal makeover sessions they give at the mall sometimes and my foundation still leaves lines & my eyes look all wonky (which they don't, normally). Therefore, I just don't where it all that often.

3) Spell. Write all the time - can't spell worth a lick.

[Suz]

Darn it. In reference to the last sentence of number 2 above, see number 3 above.

[Emily Drew]

I am bad or less than average at the following items (I am only putting 20 so as not to bore you, but I assure you I am bad at a lot more):

1. keeping up with my blog
2. keeping my mouth shut
3. staying motivated
4. doing the dishes (Mike and I take turns not doing this favorite task)
5. cleaning the litterboxes (Mike does it)
6. cleaning the bathroom (I HATE IT)
7. not getting angry with my husband for not reading my mind
8. getting up in the morning
9. exercise
10. dieting
11. getting pregnant, apparently (But the trying sure is fun)
12. being fashionable
13. having a backbone when it comes to my twin sister
14. walking away from my niece or nephew's crib when they are crying and trying to get out when it's time to go to bed
15. saying "No"
16. remember someone's birthday without writing it down (and that is why I write EVERYTHING down... now if I could quit losing the pieces of paper I write it all down on...)
17. not cracking my neck, knuckles, and other joints that now have arthritis or some other problem because I can't stop)
18. caring about what I look like when I go to work
19. dancing
20. breathing (no really, I'm an asthmatic)

Well, there you go, dear. I do hope that makes you feel better. I loves ya.

-Em

[Laura K.]

1. Keeping myself from saying stupid things (bet you knew that)

2. I'm with you on cooking chicken breasts - mine are always dry unless they're in a casserole

3. Using the bulb syringe to suck buggars out of kid noses.

4. Laundry, in general (washing and drying I'm okay with - it's folding/ironing/putting it away that I can't seem to do)

5. Keeping anything organized. The only reason my classroom is semi-organized this year is because most of my stuff is still boxed and stuffed in cupboards - I'd be hard-pressed to find any of it in a pinch.