Battle Royale

DISAGREEMENTS? Steve and I don't have disagreements. Occasionally, yes, one or the other of us might say something like, darling, I am afraid I must have expressed myself badly for you seem to be laboring under a misapprehension and I hate to see you like this. Come here, cuddlebunny, let me hold you. Then we link fingers and look through our wedding album while I snuggle on his lap. We don't even need to discuss it any further, we are so AT ONE that we just know. We speak each other's unspoken language- fluently.

But there are instances when we are less whole than others. Why, just the other day we had one of those little situations that arise like a cobra in even the happiest of divinely happy homes.

It all started when I was trying to schedule the SHS with the uber-local RE. The more difficult and asinine they became the less appealing the idea of doing an injectibles IUI cycle with them grew. So while, yes, Steve and I had jointly decided that we would try an IUI next, by the end of (um) fifteen minutes with the scheduler I hated them and I hated their stupid injectibles cycle. Besides, after deciding on an IUI we did get the call from the DC clinic offering us a cheaper IVF + PGD so... well it just suddenly appealed to me more.

But, of course, we are a TEAM here, a two-hearts-beating-as-one UNIT so I needed Steve to be behind another IVF cycle 115%. Am I right or am I right? So I sat him down one night after Patrick went to bed and I withheld beer and I took him through the reproductive history file and all the IVF spreadsheets and one or two Quicken reports and the cost basis for those stocks we sold back in 1999 and the statistical probabilities of unicorns infesting the attic until he finally curled up like a potatobug and whimpered no mas. I considered the matter settled and called SG to let them know I will be free to cycle when they are. Naturally.

The next morning I was so excited about doing another round of Gonal-F and Repronex I kept girlishly bursting into Steve's office to ask whether he thought I should wear this skirt or maybe THIS one when I went for the Day 3 baseline screening. But eventually I noticed that he was a little... sullen. A touch... non-verbal. So I asked, tactfully, if there was anything he wanted to talk about in a loving and fully-supported environment. As I recall I said something open-ended like, "What the fuck is your problem?"

And he, as a parched flower responds to gentle rain, said, "You keep changing the plan and you are driving me fucking crazy."

And I rapidly told him that as far as I was concerned he was merely being kept abreast of the reproductive plans as a goddamned courtesy because, show of hands, who is really carrying the burden of all this trying and failing? Me! That's who. Then I stormed out and went and had my Day of Horror at the salon.

That night Steve went to bed early to read and I sat down with the Devil to share a bottle of wine, as I do every now and again. Just as the Devil and I started playing Quarters with the cabernet, the Prince of Darkness pointed out that he thought I was getting a pretty raw deal.

"Oh yeah?" I said, neatly bouncing the quarter into a stemless Riedel and watching the devil mouth "No, no YOU drink it." I did.

"The way I see it," Satan said, "Steve owes you big time. Who is he to get all grouchy? Who is he to think that another IVF cycle would be a hassle? What has HE ever done for YOU?"

"You're right!" I exclaimed and hastily downed another glass of the blushful Hippocrene before I marched purposefully into the bedroom.

"I don't want to fight with you, sweetheart," I said, snatching the book from Steve's hands and throwing it across the room, "but I think you are being a complete dick and if I do not have another child I will hold it against you for the rest of your life."

The conversation sort of disintegrated from there. Steve kept trying to just go to sleep and I kept saying "Oh NO you DON'T!" and repeating my grievances, only a little louder.

When I mentioned for the fifth time his abandoning me to travel right after a D&C last year he finally said, "You admitted that you planned it that way. You set me up by scheduling a D&C when you knew I had to go away."

At which point my jaw dropped open because I might have been drunk but he was clearly INSANE. I never did any such thing. The idea! And I got SO ANGRY. SO VERY VERY ANGRY that I wanted to punch him right in his stupid, handsome face. In fact I balled my fist up and began to swing it but he ducked and then headed towards the guest bedroom. Which is when I half-tackled him and tried to bite him on the leg (I am a classy, a very classy, lady.) That is how I got the rug burn on my shoulder blade, in case you were wondering.

Then the fight just sort of fizzled and he went to sleep and I read for awhile.

The next day I was horribly embarrassed about it and I said, "Uh, sorry about attacking you like a ferret and everything."

And he said, "That's ok, honey."

And I said, "We can do an IUI if you really think that is best."

And he said, "No. I am fine with IVF. I want another child, too, and I agree it is probably our best bet. But I hate it when you manipulate me."

I said sorry. And he said sorry. And then we carved our initials in a tree with a heart around it.

So that is what we disagree about, pretty much exclusively but fairly repetitively. We disagree about the fact that I think he should kiss my ass more over the reproductive stuff and he thinks he should not.

What do you fight with your spouse, significant other, life partner, pet or roommate about? Sex, money, hobbies, housework? The fact that they should be sorrier about my miscarriages than they are? (I get that a lot.) Do you have the same fight over and over, too, or are Steve and I just in a rut?   

Comments

[Julie]

Money, mostly. Sometimes we do argue about my quest to keep trying. After all this time, you'd think I'd give up... like he did. His indifference frustrates me, and he doesn't even try to fake it anymore.
Then we take a romantic bubblebath together and he paints my toenails and braids my hair.
(Right after I shave his back and spit in his beer)

[Lisa V]

Sex, who does the housework, which one of our defective genetics produced our kid's most annoying traits, lack of ambition, procrastinaton- it's the same fights over and over and over. But really who has the energy to think up new shit ? It makes the fighting so much easier to do the same ones, we both know our lines, and we know the ending. Afterwards, we just let it go, until it bubbles to the surface again.

[Susan]

My husband and I fight about incredibly stupid things, like where precisely we should put a specific piece of furniture (should the lamp go HERE? or HERE? certainly not HERE!) or what kind of sheets are on our bed (absolutely NO brushed cotton! apparently it's the fabric of Satan) or why he needs a new brown belt (oh god does he need that belt).

All of this covers the fact that we are Conflict Avoiders and are afraid to face the REAL issues--it's easier to say, 'I hate the lamp there' than it is to say, 'I feel trapped at home with these kids all day while you eat in fabulous restaurants and meet the governor and make huge decisions about important things.' Not that that's my specific issue, you know--I'm just saying.

[Ninotchka]

Same fight over and over. Apparently I have a bad attitude and I'm just SO negative. You know, because I point out the water droplets that turn to dirt on the kitchen tile if not dried immediately. And because I caution him against our toddler daughter playing with the candle on the table at dinner. And because I worry about money.

Just tonight I kindly informed him of how perfectly charming everyone else thinks I am. Funny even!

Dickhead.

[Erin]

Um... this sounds so incredibly stupid - bedtime. I firmly believe that people should sleep when it is night and get up at a reasonable hour when it is day. This seems to be the way of the world, and I've embraced it. My husband finds this ridiculous and wants to stay up all night every night and then sleep all day, which irritates the crap out of me and usually ends in me waking him in the most annoying ways possible. I am nothing if not immature.

Oh, and also the fact that most of the time he Just Doesn't Get It.

Oh, and money. Because we have none and yet he spends it all anyway.

[Erin]

Um... this sounds so incredibly stupid - bedtime. I firmly believe that people should sleep when it is night and get up at a reasonable hour when it is day. This seems to be the way of the world, and I've embraced it. My husband finds this ridiculous and wants to stay up all night every night and then sleep all day, which irritates the crap out of me and usually ends in me waking him in the most annoying ways possible. I am nothing if not immature.

Oh, and also the fact that most of the time he Just Doesn't Get It.

Oh, and money. Because we have none and yet he spends it all anyway.

[Christine]

Family, mostly, because he hates mine and I hate his. Except that now I hate mine, too, so we don't really have anything to fight about.

There was one memorable fight when Paul tried to tell me I was cutting the onion wrong. I had a migraine and had just taken my first dose of a new medication. Side effect: mood alterations. As I recall, I whipped around with the knife in my hand and said something along the lines of, "Does it matter HOW the fucking onion gets cut as long as the FUCKING ONION GETS CUT?"

And once I was off the mood swing I told him he was going to have to learn to deal because the med erased my migraine within 20 minutes. Now when I take it he leaves the house.

[Kat/Maternity Genes]

Oh Julia, how I just adore your eloquent writing—and your uncanny knack for saying something so timely and entertaining.

My husband and I actually had one of those stupid arguments this evening... blowing off steam after a long day with a sick child underfoot. Specifically, he asked me (TWICE, in a very accusatory tone I might add) why I hadn't, in the last year, spent any evenings out with a particularly good girlfriend who, like me, is still nursing her 2 year old down at bedtime. Duh... evenings aren't the easiest time for the two of us, and I expected him to know that without rubbing my nose in the fact that I've lost the last 2 years of my life in what seems like a blip. (Okay, I'm feeling a little vulnerable right now after spending the last two days caring for a snot-machine.)

In zero-to-sixty-in-5-seconds, we started screaming things like "You're being passive aggressive" and "I can't believe you think so lowly of me" and "Well you can just fuck off" and I'm out the door threatening to go take a drive alone.

I think we're both a little stressed about the prospect of trying again... since I'm about to ovulate again and get on the "have-sex-get-pregnant-then-possibly-miscarry" carousel again. So we kissed and made up.

[Mel]

We fight about my "tone of voice." Apparently, a sarcastic tone of voice negates one's actual words.

(Long-time lurker, first time commenter.)

[Moriah]

We constantly fight over money, and about me going to see a rockin' local band with one of my best friends every weekend (I always win that one!).

[Linda]

We fight over the fact that sometimes he doesn't listen to me and then it becomes obvious that he never heard me (even though he nodded and said, "Yup"). I get angry and then he gets angry even though I am actually the wounded party. Then when something is really, really important and I repeat it 12 or 200 times in an effort to make sure he really, really heard me, he gets all offended like I'm insulting him. Which I am, because sometimes he's an absent-minded dumbass and I can't always tell when that is.

Also, we fight about stupid, stupid stuff when one of us is hungry.

[Heather]

We usually fight about stupid stuff especially when one or both of us is hungry or too hot. We've argued a lot about fertility treatments, though. And yes, I've pulled the "I'm the one that's really dealing with it not you!" defense/offense. I think it's very common.

We decided to stop trying the ART way, and now I'm doing the TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) way. I never officially mentioned that it was for infertility (but I know he's not dumb with the TCM Fertility books that I don't hide). But I did mean it when I told him it's not just to try to have a child, but to get my old perky self back. If I want to go at it like rabbits because I'm on shaktavari (sp?) as well as other herbs that make me randy, I know he doesn't complain. And if a baby comes along out of it, I'm know he'd be thrilled. As long as I don't get too crazy about if it doesn't get me pregnant.

Glad to hear you made up, and good luck on the IVF!

[Sarah]

Mel, was that damn funny.

[Kinneret]

Mostly about parenting the step-child (his child, my step). I value table manners and discipline in doing homework (amongst other things). I also value "if you say you're not going to give him an allowance if he doesn't do X, giving him money at the end of the week accomplishes nothing".
But it seems he just wants me for my money (hahahahahaaha!), not my child-rearing skills ... because the biothing pays us a pittance in child support. Yeah, I'm bitter.
We get angry and exchange harsh words. The next day he pretends nothing happened. Until I say "we need to talk about this".
Coffee when you're in DC this time?

[Sarah]

Sometimes money, sometimes my family, often my crankiness when dinner guests stay too late and are boring the crap out of me. You know, important stuff.

We definitely fought about the disproportionate caring about the miscarriage(s). And yes, we absolutely have the same fight (or variations thereof) over and over. Just like everyone said marriage would be.

[mc]

Mel, I get that exact same comment. Ugh. But we're better in general at fighting about really stupid shit. One of our biggest, loudest fights had to do with salsa. A $5, fancy schmancy little jar of Guzman's cranberry salsa that he had the nerve to finish without me. And we went from salsa to "your family drives me insane" in about 12 seconds. Oh, the joy.

[Katharine]

We fight about money (I know no one else has mentioned this yet), but I particularly love when we get back from fabulous, extravagant trip to Africa that cost $$$ and he opens the phone bill and says in an incredible accusatory tone, "Honey, did you KNOW that directory assistance is $1.25?" To which I replied something along the lines of, "what does it matter, you psychotic abusive controlling man, we just spent $$$ on the vacation and you are riding my ass about $1.25? How many times did I call it, anyway?"
The answer: ONCE. I, Katharine ___, am guilty of wildly, wantonly calling directory assistance one time to the tune of $1.25.
Oh, and we fight about his mother. But she sucks, so I don't feel bad about that one.

[melissaS]

See? You always make them entertaining.

Let's see what do we argue about?

Me writing on my personal website.

His parents screaming into the phone that he should control me.

Oh, yes, and him coming home at 2:35 in the morning draped over the shoulder of a female coworker and so drunk he can't walk. Yes. That.

That, I don't know, just gets me all riled up! Weeeee!

[nini]

We have fights over this:
Whenever we go to for a doctor visit (RE's, genetic specialist, urologist--aka--ball doctor, etc.), we leave with me crying about our horrible odds at ever having children, which seem to get worse with every co-pay.
And he always says something like, "What's wrong? I thought everything he/she said was good news! I took it as a positive message."
And it then it all starts with a "WHAT? WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING???"
Oh, and we've also fought about **This miscarriage hurts me more than you** a few times. Needless to say, he holds out hope a LOT longer than I do during the spotting/declining HCG phase.

[Kim]

He doesn't listen well. He isn't home enough. He doesn't know exactly the right thing to do at the precise moment without me telling him. He doesn't empty the trash until it is overflowing. He is really good, but I am a bit of a demanding person.

[Emily]

We don't fight over money because there isn't any -- thanks infertility, ha ha. We don't fight about fertility treatments because my husband wants this more than even I do (and that's saying something). Actually, we don't really fight because we're a very good match on most things. The only thing that wears on us after a while is my outlook on life and his. Mine, as anyone knows reading my blog, isn't susie sunshine because it hasn't been the easiest. My husband, on the other hand, wasn't raised by a bunch of wolves in the wilderness like I was, so his reaction to stress is much different than mine and while I can understand his perspective, he has a much harder time seeing it from mine and this wears on us sometimes. But if you want to one 'fight' we have over and over again -- well, it's two and they're petty, hardly worth mentioning. One is why can't he load the damn dishes in the dishwasher instead of stacking them on the countertop, 6 inches above the infernal machine and two; I can't seem to impress upon him that if I find a piece of antique furniture that is to fill the empty space in the middle of our living room that I've been looking for for 5 years, that we need to buy it right then and there because in this case, since it's one of a kind, you snooze, you lose -- and it drives me up the wall how many times I've had to start over and find another piece, that takes another three years to find. Well, at least it's distracting me from my inability to have a baby.

[Danielle]

Eric LOVES his toys... electronic toys to be more precise. He has a drawer FULL of dead (or so he says) cell phones. I'm the serious stuff in life planner of the household and he's the fun stuff in life planner. I hold a few strong beliefs, one of them being not to splurge on stuff that does not appreciate in value. Electronics does not fit the bill. Needless to say, his little habit of buying every new gadget on the market was getting the better of me until I one day found the perfect compromise.

Had I put a stop to his these purchases, he would have left me so I forced him into opening a toy account in which he transfers a fixed amount every pay. He can buy all the toys he wants as long as he sticks to the amount in that account. It has worked for us ever since.

Now we only argue in the morning as I'm about to leave the house to drop off the kids at daycare and catch a train. At exaclty the same moment he should be dressing up the kids to leave the house, he disappears into his office to play with his computer... I end up leaving a couple of minutes later and miss my train. I still haven't figured out what to do but I'm this close to forcing him into double duty: dropping off AND picking up the kids.

[KT]

Actually, and this is funny, since I finally - after a miscarriage and three years of trying - had a baby, we don't fight.

While I was pregnant and since, everything's been really great. He listens to me, he's made efforts to be more romantic, more appreciative, more helpful around the house (ok, ok, so he could get somewhat better about that. I hate being a nag, but eventually, if the trashbags are three-four deep in the hallway they NEED TO GO OUT!).

We don't fight about money anymore since I got treated for my depression and stopped avoiding paying the bills (don't ask, long story) and we don't fight about my friends who hog up a lot of my free time.

Honestly, it's a frackin' miracle from where we were four years ago (to the month) of thinking about getting divorced because all we ever did was scream at each other or ignore each other. Our daughter's almost two and I've never been happier in my life.

With all that, it seems pretty trivial of me to complain that he can't remember to take the trash out regularly or that he's constantly leaving dishes on his computer desk. Not that I don't complain sometimes... nature of the beast, I guess.

[karla]

Mostly sex and housework, and it is ongoing because the man still does not understand that he can have more sex if he does more housework. I tried numerous times to explain that after staying up all night with a baby, working full time, shuttling two kids back and forth across town, housework, laundry, cooking and dealing with bills the last thing I need is to hear him complain about how I am too tired for sex. Loading the dishwasher is the only form of foreplay I am interested in most nights.

[karla]

Mostly sex and housework, and it is ongoing because the man still does not understand that he can have more sex if he does more housework. I tried numerous times to explain that after staying up all night with a baby, working full time, shuttling two kids back and forth across town, housework, laundry, cooking and dealing with bills the last thing I need is to hear him complain about how I am too tired for sex. Loading the dishwasher is the only form of foreplay I am interested in most nights.

[Leta]

We really don't fight much, because hubby is extremely easy going about most things. If I am in a fight-provoking mood, he just doesn't respond. The last argument we had was after I came home from a night out with friends and tried to explain to him how frustrating it is to be a SAHM, what I need to remedy this situation, etc. He had drank 4 beers while I was gone and was not very receptive to what I was saying. I was trying to tell him how our 11 month old follows me around all day, whining and wanting to be held constantly. He said "When she does that to me, I just pat her on the back and she's fine." Well, that doesn't work for me. He said I was being defensive, I said he was being an ass. I cried for a bit, we went to bed and talked about it the next day.

[Cat, Galloping]

My husband collects something but he has forbidden me to talk about it on the Internet. Or mostly in real life, too. It's not naughty or anything. Actually, it's rather intellectual. But he spends a LOT of money on it. He has a budget, but sometimes he comes to me and begs to spend, say, two years of his budget on one particular item and promises that he will then abstain from any further purchases for two years. I say no, he sulks, this goes on and on until I cave and he makes said purchase and abstains from additional ones for, say, a couple of months. Then he buys something inexpensive and says, well it was only $5 and we're off and running. It's fun. Really it is.

For me it's about the money (he claims it's an investment, but it doesn't really count if he NEVER plans to sell and reap the return, right?) and, before we moved to a house in the 'burbs, the lack of room in which to store said collection. Oh and the time spent on the Internet and every new town we visit or pass through searching for said additions. But it's not a naughty collection. Really. I swear.

[Cat, Galloping]

Oh, but I have to say that our absolute BIGGEST fights (more rare but greater in severity than the not-dirty collection fights) ALWAYS take place in the car. I consider my husband to be not a stereotypical male, EXCEPT when he gets in the damn car and always has to drive and can never ever stop for directions.

[amber]

if you're classy, then I am the queen of England. lmao ! You are too much. I adore you! I feel so much of what you say, as I also am in a desperate attempt to have a 2nd child. My boy is 21 months old...I have done 3 fresh and 1 frozen cycle (just for #2.I did 3 fresh for Austin). This last cycle ended horribly on May 16th, when I was told there was no heartbeat. 17 friggin weaks. I was just starting to think I was safe. Anyway, I also am a SG patient. So I feel sometimes like we are kindred spirits. I am not crazy. Maybe a little, but in a safe way. Promise. You asked what my husband & I fight about. Right now it is me sneaking cigarrettes. I feel I am justified. He hates it.

[LT]

I truly believe there is only one fight in a marriage. Every disagreement in its essence comes to down to the same one or two issues. In my marriage, the fight is that I am a flake (true) and that he is mean (also true). The actual topics of the fights--housework, money, his inability to pretend to have fun at functions organized by my friends, my inability to decide where to eat on Friday night--they all tend to come back to the core issues. The way I figure it, if you only have one issue to resolve, then it's not really that tough after all!

[kristen]

My husband is a wonderful man. That being said, he is f*cking crazy. I am 13 weeks pregnant, and I swear, I have never in 11 years seen our relationship in more trouble. I don't work outside the home and the work I do, well, it doesn't exactly contribute much to the family fund. All he does is pout and act like a baby. He is stressed at work and comes home and is incredibly depressed and angry. He throws things around the kitchen because "he can't find anywhere to put anything." He crabs because I asked him to stop drinking. I don't know but, I heard alcohol doesn't help with depression.
He is a man child incapable of dealing with his emotions. ( i blame his mother) I have never threatened to leave him before, but in 10 weeks I think I have 3 times...
Ugh it is ugly. I don't understand. Why doesn't he understand how wonderful this gift is? And how we are never going to get this time back?
Also my birthday is Monday. My husband has been out of the country for a week. I can practically guarantee that there will be no gift nor any reservations made for us to go out to eat. I guess my birthday sprung up on him this year.
oooh sorry for the crazy rant...

[Lisa C.]

I posted a trackback to a post that I wrote on this very topic. It's so great to read this stuff because I can see that it is normal, instead of thinking that we are big freaks for fighting the way we do.

Our last fight was over money and the yard. I bought a new garden hose and an oscillating sprinkler (for a grand total of $20) and he flipped out because he said we already had enough garden hoses and sprinklers. Well maybe so, but I couldn't find them, and I had asked him only a thousand times to get them out for me, but he still hadn't done it after a month. So I bought new ones. The kicker is that within 2 seconds of finding the new stuff, he finally went and broke out the hoses that he had hidden in our unfinished attic. I told him that I would return the new ones and he STILL wanted to argue with me about it. Suckass.

[Louise]

The Boyfriend and I avoid conflict like the plague, but we bicker when we are hungry. The thing which brings us closest to a conflict is The Boyfriend's inability to make a decision. Currently, this is affecting the how we are conducting our long-distance relationship (we are closing in on our second year living on opposite sides of the country). I say "The Boyfriend? Remember when we were talking a few months ago about our plans for when I finished school, and you said you were going to leave that West Coast city we both hate, and move to the Eastern city we both love and can easily work in?" and he says "Yes" and I say, "Well, I am looking for a house for September and it would be nice to know if you will be there then so I can find a place big enough and I know our price range" and then he says "I don't know, I'm brutal with decisions" and I think to myself "Yes, and you are also brutal with conducting a functioning long-distance relationship" but actually say, very sweetly, "I know that my love, but you know you have to make up your mind sometime."

We have this conversation every couple months, though it is happening more frequently now with my impending move, which might just turn into an impending break-up if the light of my life and fire of my loins doesn't get it together.

[jemy]

We fight about money, decorating, and cleaning. I haven't decorated one thing in the house, but I don't clean it either. But as LT said, the real arguments are about the fact that he's a stress basket, and I'm a flake.

The only screaming fight we ever had was that I wanted to build a goldfish pond, and he said I was incompetent, and I said he should watch his mouth, and he said his father was an engineer and he was born with an "engineering mind" while I did not have this kind of mind (assumedly), and I was so stunned that we just glared at each other for five minutes, then I threw the keys at him, cursed him out, and said it's-just-a-stupid-goldfish-pond-that-Im'-never-actually-going-to-build-anyway-you-fucking-asshole.

I think it took as a full day to get over that argument. Engineering mind, my ass. And once he said I was acting like my mother, and I nearly strangled him.

Oh, and the other big arguments are when I get sick and he tells me it's all in my head. Then he catches my "psychosamatic" flu virus, and doesn't understand why I'm mad that I have to be super-supportive and sympathetic.

[InSpring]

I'm so boring, DH and I never fight. Oh sure, occassionally I rant and then he sulks about it. . .

We're not allowed to have actual fights because wife number one was a crazy bitch who left my poor man an emotionally abused spouse with the emotional scars to prove it.

See, so the grass really isn't greener over here. I'd like to have a good fight, nothing beats the sex after a good fight.

[Nicole]

Hm, I may have to do a posting about this.

D. and I don't fight. I think we've had two fights. We may disagree occasionally, but we're both fairly arrogant in an intellectual sort of way, so any disagreements are likely to be on some intellectual level. I think I took something he said wrong once, and found out that arguing about it just didn't work.

I have a horrendous temper. You want a firestorm, piss me off, go ahead and see if I don't. D is the opposite - he turns icy, very logical and controlled.

When we do disagree, its important to do one of two things:

1. Both must admit they are individually wrong in some respect; share the blame; or,
2. Agree to disagree. This is why we don't talk politics. :)

[Mollie]

Ha! You bit his leg! HA!!

I can't think of what we fight about around here. I'm too busy sighing with relief that you two stop having sex long enough to fight about something yourselves once in a while.

[julia]

Oh my. Where to begin? Well, first of all, WE don't fight. I fight. In times of conflict my husband just sits there, totally noncommunicative. Not in a sulky, purposeful way. He's just not an arguer. So after the first year of marriage, we stopped fighting. Now I get "frustrated verbally" once or twice a week because my husband:

- listens to only every 3rd word I utter. Hilarity ensues. More often than I would like to admit.

- related to above, must be told at least 15 times to do something. Has the audacity to imply that there is something wrong with me reminding him to do things. After 9 years, am plenty tired of explaining yet again the faulty logic. If he did it the first time ...

- treats our house more like a hotel than a home. He does laundry and dishes and that's it. Doesn't pick up ANYTHING ELSE. ANYTHING. Brings in mail, dumps it on credenza, and if I don't go through it and throw out the junk, it piles up so high it overflows onto the floor. Has not fixed/improved one thing w/o being badgered to do so in 4 years of owning this place. Wish he'd be a little more traditional in this respect (can I get just a little of the hyper-macho "Master of My Domain" crap -- enough to get the new doorknobs on that we've had sitting in the hall closet for 2 years?).

Really, the poor man is very easy to get along with. WE rarely have disagreements. He is generally very helpful and you couldn't meet a more supportive person. It is my temper that causes most of our problems. It only surges violently once or twice a year, but those episodes are usually so grand that they are named: The Coke Incident, The Table Leg Fiasco, etc.

I've gotten a lot better and actually I owe it to his calming influence.

[corvine]

oh, this is a fucking good one.

the boyfriend and I never fight apart from our Standard Fight (thanks, Lisa!) but our Standard Fight is that he is a little too odd sometimes and gets incredibly turned on by me going out and indulging in a little tonsil-hockey with random men. And keeps asking me to do it. I am not the social/flirty type and do not appreciate this. I ask him to quit it, he won't. I get hurt and annoyed that he claims not to be able to stop asking me, even though it upsets me.

We are currently in the middle of the SF via text.

Nice to know that the SF is a common thing in nearly all relationships though.

[esther]

Most of our fights are started by me. And it is usually over something that, normally, doesn't cause a fight, but, for some unknown reason, that particular day, it enrages me.
The things that trigger my bitchiness: the mess in the house (not his fault any more than mine), being late (always his fault), and dinner dishes being in the sink when I try to make lunches in the morning before school/work.
The things that set me off that really do deserve it: having him finish my thoughts/sentences for me, when he SO doesn't know what the hell I am going to say...and, the BIGGIE: his indecisiveness (sp? -- is that really a word?). As in, wait wait wait for him to make a decision, he doesn't, I take matters into my own hands, he disagrees with my decision ("actually, I was going to....." which, of course, is the exact opposite of what I did), and then I FREAK OUT because HELLO if he just made a decision in the first place it wouldn't even be an issue!!!! And this is usually over minor things, like where to hang the broom hook.
All in all, our spats are bitchy and over with pretty quickly. Only once or twice in 17 years have we actually slept in separate beds because we were pissed off at each other.
I think I'm pretty lucky.

[MistressMary]

Parenting-our-teenage-girls-stuff, usually. I'm a big pushover, he's an overbearing, unreasonable prick. Not all the time, you understand. Now that they are through the worst of the teenage crap it doesn't come up as often.

We used to fight when I would catch him surreptiously ogling hot women when we were out together someplace. I don't mind him looking, but I don't think he should look RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. But I've sort of gotten over that now that he's balding. heh.

[libby]

We have the Standard Fight, too. We fight about sex. For him, it's never enough. For me, it's fine. Then there is the whining and the pouting and the ignoring (from him) and the saying I don't appreciate him enough and that I take him for granted and I'm not affectionate enough, etc. etc. etc. until I explode b/c I can't stand to hear it anymore. And dude, if you want more sex, then stop whining about it, b/c who wants to have sex with someone who's mad at them and whining and pouting, I ask you?

That's our Standard Fight. Lather, rinse, repeat.

[Geeky]

We don't fight. We usually figure out what's bothering each other before things get hot. His only complaint about me is that I don't get to his house early enough on the weekend. I know this is all fantasy land because we are not married and we live in separate houses. Yes, I am savoring every minute of it because I know marriage and living together will change things.

John Gottman wrote an interesting book about marriage. He studied marriage for over 20 years. According to him, it's not how much you fight, but whether you fight in a way that is compatible to both of you. I guess it's not a surprise that you and Steve appear to fall into the "volatile category" where couples prefer blunt language, frequent airing of grievances, and passionate making up.

The other categories are Validating (think two therapists being married) and Avoidant, where people minimize conflict but focus on the good parts of their relationship. He was able to predict which couples divorced to 98% accuracy.

I'm not a total stalker I promise, but I've been reading your blog for a long time. I loved the story about how you were Soap Opera evil in your first marriage. It sounds to me like Husband #1 was Avoidant or Nurturing, hence your acting out. I also suspect you wouldn't like a man who would let you run right over him.

It sounds like your life with Steve is never dull, but your fighting style seems to suit you both, and that's what's important.

DF and I are Aviodants with a touch of Validating thrown in. If my SO asked me what the fuck my problem was, he'd probably find me whimpering in a corner.

[Kate]

I have a few questions for you, if you have time to answer them. We may be moving to MD, and the SG has an office in the town we are considering...would just like your opinion and any pointers in dealing with the SG...

Thank you,
Kate

[victoria]

We don't fight about money because he makes a lot of it and I get to spend my whole paycheck on restaurants, shoes, and travel. We don't fight about sex because after a couple thousand rejections, I stopped hoping or asking for it. We don't fight about kids or fertility treatments because we chose to be childless. Sometimes we fight about whose turn it is to do the dishes. But we really don't fight much. But I wouldn't say that nonfighting makes a good marriage.

Anyway, I LOVED this entry. You are hilarious. Steve is a lucky lucky man, even when you're attacking him like a ferret

[Karen]

OOOH, I can tell you what we're GONNA fight about, as soon as ol' Blue Eyes returns from surfing:

Last night I made dinner, so he offered to clean up, especially since I was exhausted. I know I didn't misunderstand this, because I distinctly heard him say, "Honey, you're exhausted. You go to bed, and I'll clean up."

Well, I don't know what he did in the hour or so that he was out there, but as far as I can tell this morning, there isn't a dish that was put into the dishwasher. And we had curry last night. Do you know what day-old curry smells like?

But, being the mature wife that I am, I'm leaving everything right where it is, so when he waltzes in in his surfing euphoria, he'll walk into a buzzsaw. He makes me nuts with his leaving food everywhere. He ALWAYS does this. And we live in the TROPICS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT KINDS OF CREATURES CAN ENTER YOUR HOUSE IF YOU LEAVE FOOD OUT IN THE TROPICS??

And I know what he'll say. He'll say, "I forgot. You know how I am."

'Cause that makes it all better.

Hmph.

[alex]

Dear Julia, and all your posters above,

Your blog is very witty, very funny and intelligent (by design or evolution?). Congratulations to all of you and good luck to those suffering with the male of the species.

:-)

[Kelie]

Sex, Money and ...ummmm sex and money and once in while I take issue with the fact he NEVER makes the kids brush their teeth..and washing their faces is a total not going to happen.

I'm a yeller he's a passive agressive hold a grudge type of twat..you know the guy who brings up that you didn't put the hose away a year ago and THATs why he's mad....

I'd much rather fight about something important or fun..our fights are typically the same, I yell, he says nothing, I yell louder..etc.

[laura]

We fight because he does or says something incomprehensively stupid, and then I give him "The Look", which can't be replicated in the mirror, so don't ask me what it looks like, but apparently it's BAD, really BAD, and then he starts lecturing me, and we end up arguing about religion or politics. Honestly, the root of our fights is that he sees things in stark black and white, and I see all the shades of gray in between.

[elisabeth]

oh my, it might be easier if you asked what we DON'T fight about. Although I'm sure someone could point out that we come down to the same core issues every time we generally fight about the most incredibly stupid things. Basically I think it is because I am happiest when I am terribly busy and with people and he is happiest when he is watching a movie or sailing or star gazing.

Our silliest argument was over what we'd do with our lottery winnings (we hadn't even purchased a ticket, just were contemplating having millions of dollars to spend) and our current ongoing argument is about whether or not I am willing to sail around the world with him (I am, minus the ocean crossings).

And I fight like you do, getting in his face and not letting it be done, which is really OH so productive. sigh. blame the red hair.