But First

How often do you have sex?

I know, I know, I am sorry. It is vulgar to pry and unladylike to be so knowing but let us just say that the subject has come up and it's..... gah. Blarg. Faugh.

Post anonymously, if you like, but give me a little ammo here. I've got some punting to do, my friends....   

Comments

[Ellen]

Before the baby, once every two weeks. Sometimes once a week. After the baby... hmmmmm. Have we even done it yet?

I think it honestly has to do with the couple's sex drive. My husband and I are medium to low. We are at the same level, intensity-wise, which helps-- we don't get resentful that the other isn't "putting out." However, when I was pregnant, I was an animal the second trimester. I wore him out.

[Debe]

About once a week, but I'd like it more, D's libido ain't what it used to be

[anon]

Once a month, unless we're on vacation. Then maybe twice in one week. (Two kids, one 5 yrs one 5 months.)

It might be more if he ever came to bed as early as I do. When I turn in at 10-10:30, it is because I am in that "about to fall asleep" zone. If any hanky-panky is to occur, we have to go to bed earlier than that, and in fact, "going to bed early" is our little euphemism. Some times of the month, though, hormones mess up my sleep patterns, and if I'm still awake when he comes to bed, he sometimes gets a surprise.

Fortunately this works okay for us. Right now (with a 5-month-old) my libido is even lower than usual, so that even when I'm game it doesn't turn out to be all that, but I expect that will get better when I stop breastfeeding. (So, in a year or so......what's a year in the grand scheme of things?)

[Kerry]

We're about once a week too. He'd like it more but my libido has never been all that active.

[Ashley]

Three times a week. I would love for it to be more often.

[halloweenlover]

hmmmm, it varies, but we don't have kids, so I don't know if it counts then. The hubs travels every week, Monday through thursday, so those weeks, once MAYBE twice, but when he is home all week then generally 2-3 times per week.

But again, only married 3 years, and he is gone half the time, so I feel like it isn't a good indication.

[Molly]

Once a week.

[Libby]

Before having the girl, it was often. Like everyday often. Now, 3-4 times a week. Husband has a, ahem, 'healthy' sex drive. Mine has not been quite the same since the girl was born.

[Lumi]

Once a day...sometimes once every two days. The Boy is kind of an animal. I completely agree with Ellen - it has a great deal to do with the couple's sex drive. We both have pretty high and intense sex drives.

I sometimes wonder how this will change - when we finally manage to get around to the kid part.

ps...I have been lurking here for months, and this was the post that elicited my first ever comment! I LOVE it! :-)

[Chi Zit]

You're so cute - "How often..."

*chortle

Oh, I should answer, right? OK - maybe, and I do mean MAYBE, once every 6-weeks. Wheeee! But, there is a reason for this lack of the "Barry White" party; but, i don't think i want to divulge this here. What if he, like, you know, reads your blog. I know he's all up on this piece.

Actually, I don't even think he could pronounce "Chez" - probably come out something like, "CH- EEZ" He's not a Philistine! I swear! He's a good man, and he works long days and toils for his family, much like Pa from Little House, but without the feathered hair.

[Sherry]

It varies, (and my boyfriend and I don't have kids, are still students and have been together just over 2 years) but anywhere between once a week to every day of the week. It tends to be cyclical with a week to 10 days where we jump each other every chance we get and then it will slow down to about 3 times a week and then pick up again.

[Susy]

Before our baby, we did it roughly once a week or once every two weeks. Since the baby, we're lucky if we do it once a month.

I like to call it "birth control with an attitude" (and a very loud voice and bad cleaning habits).

[Christy]

Oh, man, has THIS been an issue in our house. I've never had a terribly voracious sex drive & I'm usually satisfied with once a month or so. Hubby has always wanted more - not like every day, but maybe once a week. Since the kids have arrived (3 - 7yrs, 4yrs & 18mos), I'm so bloody tired all the time. Plus, hubby usually doesn't get home until like 9:30-10pm, so by the time he's wound down, it's midnight. And who wants to spend another hour doing that when you'll be awakened at 6:30am. Plus, we use Natural Family Planning, so there's a whole week in there where I won't let him near me.
All that to say, we're at once or twice a month right now.

[victoria]

We last had sex on November 6, 2004.

I have no diea when we'll have sex again (this no-sex thing is not my idea).

A few years back it was more frequent, more like once every three or four months.

When we do have sex, it's really, really, bad. He is basically revolted by the female body, cannot look at or touch female genitalia, and goes about the whole thing very mechanically.

And no, he's not gay and he's not having an affair (I've known him for 14 years, you get a sense for these things).

We are 39 & 40, no kids, in good health.

It is driving me crazy and makes me hate him. Right now I want to leave.

However, in every other way he's perfect - smart, funny, kind, patient, loyal, decent, forgiving, level-headed, calm, rich, thrifty, well-educated, politically liberal.

So what do I do? Leave him & face the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life? Or put up with celibacy for the rest of my life? Or maybe try to have an affair of my own?

I don't really think the last one is an option for me -- I am sort of revolted by the thought of having an afair.

[victoria]

Oh, I forgot to add: you're hilarious & I love you.

[Michelle]

Usually twice a week...it is hard to manage any more since I work days and he works nights.

[Lisa S (et al, aka Stolidoli)]

We are once a weekers on average, though we did do it twice in one 24 hour period a few weeks ago when we spent the night in a hotel (aka away from the kids) for our anniversary. We used to be once a day type people but that was a long long time ago. We have been married for nine years, and began dating 20 years ago (I was a teen, and yes we did break up for a few years in between first dating and becoming engaged and married).

Anyway, so I think we still have a healthy sex drive for our lack of privacy (three kids!) and degree of familiarity with one another (20 years!).

Plus, I'm damn tired.

[Marivic]

It was 2x/day (morning, night) until I got knocked up and now we're down to 1x/day (usually nights, I need my sleep, dammit). I'm 33, he's 41, I'm 8w6d. Mind you, "sex" isn't always the in/out intercourse variety, I count the various hand jobs ETC, the point being we make a point to mess around every day. Not sure what I'd do without my daily cookie.

LOVE your posts! Gotta ask, how, pray tell, did the subject come up?? ;-)

Marivic

[Anon]

Ummmm...we last had sex before Christmas. This is due mostly to the fact that we almost divorced last summer over his drinking and have gotten back together now that he's sober. I still harbor a lot of resentment over things he did when he was still drinking. I'm just not quite ready to resume a physical relationship with him.

Before all of this happened though, we still weren't doing it that much. Maybe twice a month. Sometimes three times. We both had very stressful jobs and logged a lot of hours with work.

[S]

24, recently married, no kids. 3-4 times a week.

[Sheri]

This is a tough area for us because I have a very high drive and he has a low one. It usally happens once every other week. I would like it every other day or so. Sore subject.

[Michele]

Before the baby (he's 7 months), we were once a month. It's now been 9 weeks since our last encounter. Husband has a low sex drive, and he doesn't come to bed until at least 1:00 AM. I'm in bed by 10:30, and it's not worth staying up for. Otherwise, we have a great relationship, so why let a little thing like lack of sex get in the way of that?

[anonymousey]

It depends on the time of the month... I get mega-horny right before my period and mega-blah right after. Average I would say 2-4 times a week. We don't have kids though.

[anon]

about once every 6 months since the baby (2), but we SAY we're going to all the time and then...snore-o-rama. It's ok though, we seem to be ok with it. I was the one who drove the whole sex life so he seems ok. Lots of "alone time" for both of us....

[blue girl]

I'm 22, might as well be married, no kids. Before I went on the pill, we did it pretty much every day. The pill completely killed my libido, and even now, after switching through a couple different brands, we're only back to a little more than once a week. I enjoy it when we get to it but I don't really have any desire to instigate it.

It hasn't been much of a problem though, he's been very understanding and handjobs are a good distraction.

[laura]

Anywhere from once a week to 5 times a week. Right now, we're on a 3-day winning streak. Before that, a dry spell of about a week. We're in our early 40s, married 3 years, with only my 12-year-old son to tend to.

[Blue]

Pre-Ovulation 2-3 times per week
Post-Ovulation 1-2 times per week

My hubby would like those numbers higher, I could live with them being lower. *shrug*

THANK YOU for posting this -- I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. Victoria, I'm in the same boat -- I would like more but can live without it, and my husband has everything else so I can't imagine leaving. Still, when I think about it, I feel cheated.

Anon

[Anonymouse]

Once a week or so for me. I feel bad about it, actually, since the boyfriend could deal with a lot more, but it's tough, since he stays up way later than I do, and my Depo Provera-stomped libido is just starting to come back with my lovely NuvaRing. It really makes a difference. Now if only he'd get an 8-5 job instead of a when-he-feels-like-coming-in to when-he-feels-like-leaving job....

[Ninotchka]

1x/week and quite frequently 2X/week before the pregnancy. No idea what it'll be like after #3 is here. I shudder to think.

[Danielle]

Wow there's such a broad spectrum of answers. Great question Julia.

I'm a "I could do it anytime" kinda gal but don't initiate. He does all the initiation, which causes fights sometimes because he wants me to initiate more. So typically, it's 3-5 times a week. I think he's pretty lucky if all he has to do is ask and most of the time I say yes.

after much strife on this front - my sex drive is higher than his - we finally made a once a week "date", which gets missed practically every other week, and only sometimes made up. so we're at about once every 2 weeks. i could do with more. he could do with less. but what about sex on my own, baby? i hit it pretty much daily.

[Jenn]

Not pregnant -- once a week. Trying to get pregnant -- 10 days in a row every month. Pregnant -- ummm sex? My husband is one of those, "I will poke her in the eye and that creeps me out" types.

Jenn

[J]

When we first moved in together, and up until we got our IF Dx a year ago, we were 1X per day, and up to 3X per day on the weekends. After our Dx, I got very depressed, and really had no sex drive... we were lucky if we did it 1X per week. A couple of months ago I was put on an antidepressant "with the low risk of sexual side effects", and we have been rabbits ever since... back to the every day, more on the weekends routine. Although we did an IUI this past Saturday, and the progesterone Sups have made it really uncomfortable the last few days, so we've slacked off some this week!

[Lala]

once, maybe twice a week if he's lucky. I have no sex drive anymore and my time of day is different than his. If here were home in the modafternoons it might be more like four or five times a week. Once I lie down I'm tired and it's bedtime.

[Jennifer]

OK, you should have asked those people who have been married for X number of years, or at least living together for X number of years. Then those with kids (especially any under the age of 3) are a whole other category. No fair asking everyone, including unmarrieds with no kids - of course they get lots of lovin'. I believe this will be a prime example of "the norm:"

When my now-husband and I were younger and only together for 2 years or less, we had sex several times a week, sometimes every day. We were horny college kids and very "adventurous."

When we moved in together, sex dropped to once or twice a week after the first couple of months.

When we'd lived together for a year or more, it was once a week or less.

After we got married, it was once a week on a good week. Never anymore in crazy locations, or spontaneously.

Then there was TTC - so several days in a row for a week, then rarely any other time.

While pregnant, once or twice a month. Lots of "alternative" sex (oral). I didn't get that horny pregnant lady thing. Could happily have gone full 9 months without. Not so for my husband.

For two months after baby was born, no sex. Had to be seriously coerced into it for the first time. Hurt like hell (felt like he was having sex with a BRUISE) and didn't want to do it again for a while.

Now that our baby is 14 months old, we make a point of having sex at least once a month. Lately we've been all crazy and we're back to doing it about twice a month - horny teenagers that we are. (No, we're not teenagers, really. We're in our early '30s.) I can see this being our pattern for life, unless we hit on some crazy hormonal drive later on, or want to celebrate the empty nest by having wild sex vacations or something.

Why do you ask? You realize you will have to divulge your numbers now, which I fear might be startlingly high for us other married-with-small-children types.

[Jennifer]

Forgot to say I'm still breast-feeding my 14-month-old, which I think kills the sex drive considerably. And don't even THINK about touching my breasts!

[Anonymous]

24, together nearly five years, married nearly 2 years, expecting baby #1. For the first year, it was every day. After that 2-3 times a week until we got married, when it actually SLOWED DOWN. What the heck is with that? Pre-pg, 1, 2, maybe 3 times a week. Now, 1X.

[Linda]

With almost 1-year-old twins, we aim (and usually make) once/week. A couple times we've done twice/week and BOY, AM I THANKED FOR THAT! I think my husband would happily do it 3 or 4 times/day if possible.

Before kids it was 2-3 times/week. While pregnant and undergoing IVF and other treatments, rarely.

[stephanie]

it varies from at least once every (twice a few times this week)day to maybe 3-4 times a week. We live together, but aren't married and have no kids, so I'd imagine kids will change that ;-) He likes once a day- I could probably live with every other day.

[Brad]

Reminds me of an old joke...

A boy and his brother are going through the drugstore when they pass the condoms. The boy asks, "Hey Mike, what are those?" and Mike answers, "Those are for having sex."
"Why are there 3 in this box?" asks the boy.
"That's for high school students... one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"The 6 pack?"
"That's for college students... two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
"What about the 12 pack?"
"That's for married couples."
"You mean..."
"Yup! One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Ha ha ha ha ha... gasp. wheeze.

We've got the Saturday Night Special going. Occasionally another night of the week will catch us in the mood, but not very often. I agree that if we could spend more afternoons together, it would be more often. By the time 10 PM rolls around, we just want to listen to the weather and go to sleep. But if we were together around 4 PM, and the kids were locked in the closet in the basement... yeah, the four o-clock hour could be quite nice.

[anon]

29, married for four years after living together for three, no kids, and we have sex every 2-3 days. But during most of the month, there is some sort fooling around every day. I would do it twice a day if real life didn't get in the way. I have no idea how I'm going to cope when I finally get pregnant--I get anxious after about a week of no sex.

My husband is very relaxed about the whole thing, there's never been any pressure or guilt. When I'm incapacitated (my periods can be brutal) or not in the mood for any extended length of time, I try to make myself remember to offer up some kind of....um...services, because he always does the same for me. I think the important thing is that partners enjoy pleasuring each other, then it never seems like a chore.

[Jenn]

Before IF, maybe 2-3x week or more. After IF, maybe 2-3x a month.

[Kirsten]

Married 9 years, 3 kids under 8, 2-4 times a week. If it's any less, it's the end of the world(per him).

Victoria, I wish I could give you some advice. It sounds like a very tough situation.

Living together, every day and twice on Saturday and Sunday if I get my way. I'm sure we will never be able to sustain that but it is fun for now!

[Jessica]

Sex really isn't talked about nearly enough on the blogs I read (I hate to say it but most probably fall into the "mommy blog category." Good question. And such interesting (varied) answers. You must share what prompted this question...it sounds intriguing.

Used to generally be once-a-dayers (pre child). Now with an almost 3-yr old (almost 4 yrs married), I'd say anywhere from 1-3 times a week. Almost always a big peak during (my) mid-cycle b/c I can't get enough. I guess biology works.

jessica

[Julie M]

While ttc it was 3-4 times a week. Other times were 1-2 times a week. Since becoming pregnant I have had so many constant problems (morning sickness, heartburn, achy pelvic joints, back pain, exhaustion, etc) that it's rarely more than once every two weeks. This change has scared me as I think about getting through the rest of the pregnancy (I'm only half way through) and the exhaustion and other physical issues that must be involved when the baby is born. I don't want ot have a lower libido than I have recently.

He's pretty toleratn of frequency variations though and takes care of himself every morning regardless of how often we are doing it (preemptive masturbating?). Sometimes I wake up to the motion of the act, sometimes I sleep right through it (he's an early riser and says it helps him start his day...).

[anon]

I'm married, with one preschool-age kid. We're currently taking time off from TTC because it hasn't been working well lately.

A normal week for us is about 1x/week, but since we don't get a lot of sleep, sometimes a week or so goes by between normal weeks.

And if we're both super horny and/or it's ovulation week and we're TTC, 2x/week, but that's kinda rare.

[Stilltrying]

We've been trying for 14 months now. Once a week outside of ovulation and usually every other day(sometimes more) around "O" time. This month we did doubles on either side of an IUI -- like to switch up those patterns. :)

Actually, now that I'm using a monitor I have noticed a distinct correlation between increased estrogen levels and libido. Hubby even "smells" better to me then . . . feels very primal. It is a bit disconcerting to find out you're actually just an organism after all.

[Louise]

Hm. Hard question to answer. In a long-distance relationship with The Boyfriend right now, so sex only comes every couple months. When we are together after being apart, once or twice a day. When we were living together, 3 or 4 times a week sometimes. In normal times, at least once a week, usually more. Then I had the hysterectomy and was going through chemo, The Boyfriend's mother was dying -- things sucked, and I swear I wasn't touched for 6 weeks. At the time I thought it was a sign that The Boyfriend was revolted by my bloated, bald, hysterectomied self, but with hindsight see it probably had a lot more to do with the unbelievably depressing situation we were in.

When The Boyfriend and I are living together again in a few months, I imagine there will be sex once or twice daily. Then it will be every other day, and then we will likely settle into a one or two times a week schedule. But there are no kids, we are in our twenties, and health is fine now (touch wood).