Huh?

There is a Simpsons episode in which an electronic Smokey the Bear asks, "Only who can prevent forest fires?" and goes on to say: "You pressed 'you' meaning 'me'. That is incorrect. The correct answer is 'me' meaning 'you."

And that pretty much sums up conversations with Patrick these days. Patrick has the habit of phrasing almost everything the way he would like us to say it. Thus he will sidle up with an endearing expression and say, "Do you want an alphabet cookie?" when, of course, he has no intention of offering me anything at all. It is baffling. It is also a hard thing to correct because I find myself saying, "No, baby, you, YOU, Patrick, you, say, may I, I meaning you, have a cookie please?" So he dutifully repeats, "May I have a cookie please?" only to have me say no. Then he gets all mad like I tricked him. And really, you can see his point.

He only has one more sound left to master before he can tell his speech therapist that he must sell seashells by the seashore, so see ya. O accursed 'W' sound that my language development reference sheet swears most children master early! Sometimes Patrick says 'm' as in "go for a malk" and sometimes he says 'v' as in "do you vant some vatermelon?" Personally, I prefer the latter pronunciation because it adds a touch of Count Chocula to an otherwise humdrum day. But he is starting to get the "w" more consistently and I expect that we will wrap up therapy by the end of the summer.

Not that Patrick is ready to start voice work for the BBC or anything, he still talks like a little kid, but he is finally within the range of normal for his age. So.. yay! I am proud of him. He was always so good-natured about going and I know he worked really hard. He would walk around saying "The A says ah and the A says ay. The B says buh. The C says suh and the C says kuh..."

I have no idea why I was so resistant to the idea that he might have a speech delay. I mean, big deal. So what? He had a speech delay, he went to therapy for six months and now he is all better. A big thank you, by the way, to Jamie who emailed me a long time ago when I wrote about Patrick's speech patterns in a blog entry. She said that she was a speech pathologist and that what I described sounded "atypical."  And it startled me enough to actually overcome my reluctance and get him evaluated. And he did have issues. Wasn't that nice of her to write to me? Community in action, right there.

Speaking of community, I loved reading your comments on the last post. I always love reading your comments. This time I was particularly fascinated by Geeky's assessment of the state of my union. Geeky decided that both Steve and I must be volatile types given to wild outbursts and passionate reunions. I laughed outloud and read her comment to Steve, then watched Steve's eyelid twitch in acknowledgement. Actually Steve is the most conflict-avoiding person on the planet. Make that two planets. Since I am tempestuous like tropical weather I find his silent acceptance of all things weird and unnerving, so for his own well-being I goad Steve into anger in order to get him to express himself. It's healthier for him that way. Well, at least that's my story. If Steve wrote this blog (I assume he would still call it julia at juliajulia dot com dot julia, since he is as obsessed with me as I am- we dream of me and compare our dreams) his version of our fights would be very different and would most likely rest heavily upon words like "unreasonable" "scary" "erratic" and.... I just went in to his office and asked him to describe me when we are fighting. He came up with: "ass-chihuahua." What the hell is that about? Remind me not to have him guest blog...

Anyway, I was amused by how perspective shades the narrative, right? I mean, I like a good fight with the shouting and the biting, so no one laughed more heartily than I did as I described it. It sounded like a rollicking ol' time to me but poor Steve probably hated it.

I just went in and consulted him again (isn't this fun? it's like you're all here with me!) He was typing something work-related and he did not look up this time.

"Do you hate it when we fight?" I asked.

"Ummm-hmmmm," he said. I waited.

"And?"

"I hate it."

"Do you have anything you would like to add to that?" I asked.

"Ass-chihuahua" he said. "Now get out."

And you wonder why I (meaning me) spend so much time online. My family never makes any sense and I am obviously dying for conversation.

Comments

[karyn]

The 'w' sound that you just described Patrick as saying reminded me of my now 3 year olds' old way of saying the letter 'V'. And I quote, "I wore my west on Walentine's Day while we drove in the wan." It was actually kind of endearing. I wonder when she stopped doing it?

Hurrah for Patrick. He totally deserves an alphabet cookie.

[BeckyB]

OMG Julia...I don't post very often but I love your blog. You crack me up on the dreariest of days. I'm glad the speech therapy has worked so well for Patrick. I had to chuckle at the "V" sounds...my friend's son calls me Miss Vecky.

[Kimberly]

Oh, Tempestuous one who prods "for his own good"...I love it!

[Karen]

"Ass-chihuahua"??

[Amber]

Yeah for Patrick! And yeah for you...for posting today...I have been waiting patiently. If you want to borrow my husband, he is a passionate, sensitive, relentless, catty fighter. Some days I feel like I am in a lesbian relationship. He always ends up feeling bad, getting his feelings hurt, and retreating to his room sulking. And I am only half way done! But I would not change my very sentimental/emotional man for anything. ADORE HIM.

[Susan]

I read this post hours ago, but I came back to say that 'ass-chihuahua' is STILL making me laugh. Out loud. To myself. HA HA HA!

I think I love Steve. Or you. Or both of you.

[Geeky]

Glad I amused you. Too bad I was totally off the mark.

It's totally your captivating writing style that suckered me. You make everything sound so fun. Ferrets? Ass-chihuahua? Who doesn't love the little animals?

[Tricia]

Heh- I went to speech therapy as a wee one too and it worked wonders :) I'm happy to say, I usually pronounce words correctly although I tend to pick up 'flavor' from the people I've been around ;) Congrats to Patrick- I can tell you are extremely proud!

[Heather]

Glad to hear the speech therapy is going well. I always believe if the help is available, get yourself some! I was in speech therapy for a year. I developed a stuttering issue when I was 9. Now people will make comments that I talk like I'm acting. I do tell them that I'm thinking first so I can get it to come out of my mouth right.

My daughter also was in physical therapy for six months as she was a late walker, but I found out they were concerned that she didn't crawl either. She didn't crawl until she was 11 months old. Found out she didn't want to crawl with shorts on. Didn't like the feel of the carpet under her knees. She did move around though. She would sit up and swish her legs like windshield wipers on the floor to move. We have video to prove it.

[Mollie]

Oh, how I love to be eavesdropping on your one-sided conversations here.

[Naomi]

My older kid did that exact same thing, prompting us to say whatever she wanted us to say. For instance, once she walked into the kitchen and saw her father eating a piece of string cheese. She said, "Hello, Molly. Would you like a piece of cheese? Yes, you can have a piece of cheese, Molly. Do you want some cheese, Molly?" All while jumping up and down with increasing urgency, trying to grab the cheese out of his hands.

She did finally get her pronouns straightened out, along with the proper form for requests, around her third birthday. It was an overnight shift when it finally happened.

[Simone]

Oh Julia! SHUDDUP! You kill me with laughter! It's not fair that you humour me so effortlessly! Thanks, yet again for the amusement!

[lizardek]

You are too funny! I'm with Patrick on the cookie-tricking thing, though.

[T]

Love the Billy Bragg reference. I sometimes have to do that goading into anger too, I'm rather conflicted about it though.

Good job Patrick!

[bri]

Oh how I did laugh at this entry... it has so much going for it! "Ass-chihuahua" is my new favorite phrase EVER and I will be laughing to myself all day.

My stepson had an "R" issue - it was "W" until he was about 10. Part of the hell that is joint custody was standing by while they didn't really take him to speech therapy and wondering if he would still be calling me "Bwi" when he was 40. It eventually did work itself out, thank heavens (he's 14 now and just grunts but I'm told that's normal). I'm glad you were able to get things straightened out so early and easily.

[Lisa S (et al, aka Stolidoli)]

Patrick seems to have gone from speech delayed to advanced, so kudos. And I like the German touch, it's sooo...Caberet of him. Anyway, we seem to have married the same man, only mine is less wealthy. Bummer for me!

[Ria]

"a touch of Count Chocula to an otherwise humdrum day"

"ass-chihuahua"

Can. not. type.
Cracking up with mad laughter...

Thanks. Glad we can be here to "listen".

[Judy]

After all that you didn't give him the cookie? Maybe I'm just overly indulgent, because I want to run out and buy him a box to stash under his bed.

I enjoy the conversation as well. It's witty, fun and so convenient that I can pick it up any time I like..

[giddy]

I love the sly use of the wrong pronoun that kids sometimes use (and hey, I've used it too when my daughter asks for something rudely and I start in with, "Oops, sorry Mom, I didn't mean to be rude; let me try again...")....but even more I love when they are first learning to talk and they say things like "Hold you" (while standing with arms up)---simply because they've heard us say "Do you want me to hold you?" and they think the verb is actually "holjoo." My daughter used to ask me to "rockaminute a little longer," which was the first I realized I never just said "now let's rock"...

[Aitch]

ass is good, but chihuaha is too long to type and too hard hard to say. I would have gone with Ass Lab.

[Diatryma]

One of my friends is learning Russian and laughs at the bit in Star Trek 4 where they're asking about nuclear wessels. Russian doesn't have the W sound. When one of her friends, who is Russian, finally figured it out, she started sticking it anywhere, completely inappropriate places. B! M! Both were W for a little while.

[reader]

whenever i read your blog - not often but once in a while - i like to think you are exaggerating massively and not really so mean to your husband in real life. if i was your husband in the world of your blog, i would have left you long ago. i assume you are turning your life into complete fiction, else why do you stay with him if he is so terrible? please reassure me that this is all a joke!

[Monica C.]

Actually, *I* am an ass chihuahua because you were kind enough to send me that long e-mail about Patrick's progress in speech therapy and, even though I have commented here several time after that, I never responded to your actual e-mail. A stinky poochie is what I am. STINKY POOCHIE.

Anyway, Sierra has been in speech therapy for about 4 months and has made remarkable progress (I actually attribute about 50% of her progress to speech therapy; the other 50% is just due to the passage of time) - but she still has some issues and I plan to have her evaluted by a developmental pediatrician after her 3 year checkup. She's doing very well, but I just need to have more of a handle on exactly what is going on with her.

I am so happy to hear of Patrick's excellent progress - not that I ever expected any less! Looking at the picture of him that you posted the other day, I realized I *do* feel like I've known him (and you) since he was born, since you and I had close due dates, etc. way back in the iParenting days!

[alice]

The you/me confusion entertains me. At a tumbling class, Henry would run around in circles, screaming "You're going to show me! You're going to show me!" This confused the instructor to no end. Ha! Kids! Am I right? Anyone?

[milkboneundies]

I just have to throw in that I have never seen or even heard of this site before tonight, but stumbled upon it during one of my nightly insomnia induced frantic searches of the internet for things like Chewels gum. I would like to say that there has been nothing to interest me in the recent past on the net that I can even recall....as much as this site caught my attention, as well as making me nearly pee my pants and wake up my sleeping toddler, and my husband, all in one gigantic diet Coke spitting explosion of giggles.....ass-chihuahua.....I think I need to use the potty now. How comforting that although I can never again have the long lost chewing gum of my past....I can feel right at home someplace totally unexpected, just by having my marriage summed up more clearly than I've ever heard before, and while reading about the married life of two completely different people... yeesh, go figure.... :)

[Louise]

My little sister, six years younger than me, couldn't say the R sound until she was almost 7 (she did get better, but would slip often), and her short E sounds came out as short U sounds. This was great because her name is Rebecca. Except when she said it, it would come out as "Wubucka." I used to tease her mercilessly, make her say her name, and then laugh and laugh and laugh. I would make her say things like "My name is Wubucka and I like to go on walks and kick wocks." I would make her say it again and again until she cried (hey, I was 10, 11 at the most. Kids are cruel).

At 19, she no longer has this speech problem. But I still call her Bucka.