My Bad

Oh.

Oh dear.

Oh my.

Oh WOW.

First, just so you don't think I am asking you to screw-and-tell while I am sitting here in the corner wearing sunglasses, stroking a lithograph and being all silent and creepy: Steve and I have sex 6-7 times a week, more or less.

Now that I have gotten a completely new understanding of human sexuality from your comments (did you notice that I am a little taller? Well, that's how much I have grown as a human being in the past few days- it's true) I feel like I need to qualify that statement.

I mean, I love the image of me daily tossing my glorious auburn locks to the wind, bosom heaving in a ripped bodice, while a stripped-to-the-waist Steve clasps me from behind and growls, "There is only one way to tame a vixen like you!" but the truth of the matter is this. After a year of OPKs and charting and temping with nary a pregnancy in sight, we struck on the rather novel approach of conceiving through having sex every day. I am not suggesting that you kids try this at home, I am only pointing out what worked for us. So the daily sex became, well, sort of a habit, I suppose. Like brushing our teeth and reading Get Fuzzy. With time off for Patrick's first year and post D&Cs and the IVF-o-Rama we have just been slogging along building our family, one XXXX day at a time.

What had not occurred to me until I read your comments, though, is that the only reason we are able to actually do this is that we are both home all day, every day, and Patrick takes a nice long nap in the afternoon. Two or three o'clock rolls around and we usually find ourselves with some time on our hands and... well, there it is. If we had to have sex at the end of a long day I doubt we would do it nearly as often. In fact, I assume that we would have sex at night about as often as we do now (afternoon quickies notwithstanding) maybe twice a week?

I am sure you thought that I was asking because Steve is claiming seigneurial rights more frequently than I am willing to oblige, correct? Well, actually, it went like this:

January through April saw us in a veritable sexual drought. IVF wiped out the first two months, the pregnancy cleared about a month and a half, and then the D&C had me back up on blocks until a few weeks ago. So when we finally got our groove back I assumed that Steve would be happy about it and I felt like hearing how great I was. Thus, I asked one of those questions that isn't really a question because you think you know what the other person is going to say. Questions that are just praise-bait, really.

I asked: "Aren't you happy with the sex these days?" and waited for Steve to take me in his arms and murmur, "You are my everything, baby." Or something like that.

Instead, he looked serious and said, "Well, since you asked... I guess I would really like it if we had sex in the morning more often. The afternoon and evenings are great, but I do like it in the morning too. "

And I said, "Are you CRAZY? That's WEIRD."

Just so you know, I have not had morning sex in YEARS. I HATE it. I am NOT a morning person. It is all I can do to drink a cup of tea and keep my eyebrows on before noon. The idea of bucking around all naked, unfortified by both breakfast and lunch.... bleh.

So the intent behind my question was to gather the information that all of you were just having sex on Boxing Day. I was then going to return to Steve and say, "See?! SEE?!? You should be grateful you are getting the sweet sweet so regul'r and not be all uppity over TIMES OF DAY, mon brave."

But...BUT your comments have stopped me cold. Because isn't my whole premise predicated upon the stereotypes that are causing so many of you such angst? Men want sex all the time! Women control the gold mine! As long as men are getting some, any, they should just shut up and smile!

Obviously this is nonsense. Did you see how many women wrote that they were more interested in sex than their husbands/partners? There they were all alone in their Victoria Secret bustier wondering what the fuck is wrong with them, and why? Because we have all been led to believe that women and women and men and men and sex (ed. my original intent, Brad darling, as clearly it is not all Dick and Jane around here, thank god) converge at specific points and those specific points only. I have been thinking about it and I have developed this whole theory about how certain cultures at certain times have restricted female sexuality as a means of preventing the economic autonomy of women. It's fascinating, really, and I would expand upon it right now, but... I have to go to bed if I am going to be all sexy in the morning.

Steve is neither crazy nor weird nor an ingrate and he, like all of us, is entitled to express sexual interest without ridicule or knee-jerk rejection. You know, sometimes I astonish even myself with what a dick I can be.

I am glad you wrote. You all helped me and I hope you helped each other. Awww... come here! Group hug!

Comments

[shannon]

Damn. I'm jealous.
I'd be happy with once a week at this point. Though I don't know if I'd be happy with EVER in the morning.

[Mollie]

Not a morning-sex person myself, either.

Geo and I are home with each other all day and we still don't have sex very frequently, but I've decided to take steps to change all that. Uh, after my mother's two-week visit is over.

I used to HATE getting together for a "girls' night out" with the other women in my old Mpls neighbourhood. They would take turns rueing the fact that they had to hide in the closet to change their clothes because if their husbands saw a glimpse of underwear, well, they would demand sex! And the poor gals couldn't go to bed until they were SURE their husbands were sound asleep because, well, they would DEMAND SEX! And on and on and on. And I was like, "Jesus Christ. I can fucking dance around naked, or in fishnet stockings and a g-string, and get NOWHERE. I can cuddle up to my wide-awake husband in bed and whisper, "Hey, you've got a pretty hot wife," and get NOWHERE. And I felt AWFUL. And I HATED these women who complained that their husbands chased them around the bed!

There is no goddamned norm. Every person needs something different, and the challenge of sex in a relationship is to find some way to keep involved parties happy enough. I'm no longer envious of women whose husbands pester them for sex. I'm envious of couples who are on the same page about how much and how often.

That, I guess, would include you, dear J.

[Kathleen]

Have everyone washed their hands? Yes? Then I'm in the for the group hug!

It's amazing how many times being together in the afternoon has come up. There must be a biological reason for that.

My husband gets his daily work schedule 24 hours in advance. When his schedule is such that we are only together in the early morning or late night, sex becomes less frequent.

However, if he's going to be home in the afternoon, 90% of the time we'll have sex and take a little nap together. It's lovely, and all the more so because when our son was little, we truly believed that frequent sex and naps were forever gone from our lives.

[Karen]

I'm still trying to recover from the concept of just SEEING my spouse that often! Wow! and your child takes a regular nap! Wow Wow! You must have time to do crazy stuff like talk and communicate and everything...which, of course, might just lead to sex. You lucky woman you.

[Toni]

I'd love a hug. Thanks to this conversation, I got over the 'fear' of having sex (long story short, IVF, bleeding, no sex rule until 19 weeks, got back at it - busted an ovarian cyst, no sex rule until 22 weeks....)and got a little something this weekend. Hubby was very much appreciative.

You come up with the greatest topics!!!

[Sherry]

My boyfriend officially *loves* your comments section. When I told him I posted a comment, he wanted to see what I had written - just to check I was being accurate. Since then I've had sex on the brain (been checking the comments to see what to expect as I get older) and have mauled him at every opportunity.

[Ginger]

You.Greedy.Pig!

[Deborah]

Dear Julia,
I have today found your site and sat here for a very long time and read every posting. It has moved me to tears such that i feel compelled to post a comment.
You truly are a very gifted writer.
I cannot begin to understand the pain you have endured in your desire for another child and sibling for Patrick. I feel incompetent in finding words that may help you or offer comfort. My prayers are with you. I am myself six weeks pregnant by my first IUI, feeling so guilty to have been so lucky but afraid as my first beta at 15 days post ovulation was 1257. I have no right to worry or dwell on my own fears when women like yourself cope with so much .You are a brave courageous woman and i pray you will finally achieve your dream. xx

[Kris]

I was surprised at the number of comments you received. Next time you want us all to delurk, just ask us about our sex lives :)

[Suz]

I'm not thinking about sex in the morning!! I'm worried about getting up, taking a shower, going to work. The morning is just not a sexy time, in the grand scheme of things, either, what with the bedhead and mossy teeth.

But because my husband loves the morning love, we've compromised and gone with the afternoon (with some mornings thrown in).

[Lisa]

I have the opposite issue: I love morning sex; he hates it. He thinks morning time is business time. Time to get up and go. I think it's a great time to loll around and get busy! I have some advice to make it more fun though: Stay half asleep, but wander to the restroom and brush your teeth, then wake each other up slowly with the sex. It's wonderful!

[Tonya]

The only time morning sex is acceptable is if I wake up still groggy from a serious sex dream. Then morning sex is fabulicious. Unfortunately for Jarrod, sex dreams do not happen all that often, as he, too, enjoys using his "morning wood".

[Brad]

Not just men and women, oh enlightened one. Men and men have just as much trouble meshing the sex drives. And speaking of girls' night out... the other night I was out with the other fifth grade moms and they all, without exception, declared the blow jobs over once the wedding ring was on their finger. I know this was already hashed out previously, but it really struck me. Are they really that awful to give? Do most women truly hate giving blow jobs?

[LizM]

I am very jealous of you Julia!! It's just not fair that you get so much time with your husband. I get up really early in the morning and even then only have minimal time to get ready. There is no way in HELL i'm getting up earlier for a little hanky panky! Then I'm so tired from work and commuting that at night all I think about is SLEEP. Afternoons would be great...if I wasn't busy driving home from work and picking up the munchkin from daycare.
Well, I suppose the grass is always greener.... ya know.

[karla]

Thank you for posing the question, as it made me actually ask the hubs if he was happy with the Sunday night status quo. Ummm, no, not so much as it turns out. Anyhoo, I was inspired to give the man some of my sweet, sweet lovin' two days in a row with the promise of more to come in the future. So, uh... thanks.

[victoria]

"Steve and I have sex 6-7 times a week."

I am just going to pretend you didn't say that.

BTW, I am v v curious about Steve's adoption story / decision not to adopt. Have you written about this in earlier posts? Can you (or one of your kind readers) direct me to that post?

[Judy]

Julia, I realize this is your blog, but in future please keep all matters concerning your sex life to yourself. 6-7 times per day, and now you're going to attempt mornings too?

When my husband reads this I'm going to have to convince him that you are not a real person. I'll do my Wizard of Oz routine "ignore the woman behind that typepad" while blowing shooting flames of my ass.

[elisabeth]

ahhh, Julia, what a great topic! Wasn't home to answer earlier, but have no good answer since it goes with the wind. We have been married FOREVER and over the years we have ranged from multiple times a day to once a month and everywhere in between. Tim is the stereotypical guy who never gets enough. I am the harried, overtouched SAH Mom wh is horny as hell when ovulating.

Mollie, where in Mpls did you live?? You needed to hang out with the women I drink with. Sex toy parties, talk of past men (yes indeedy-do, we talk about the fact that we have had sex with people other than our husbands.) We compare stories about which construction workers are hot when we are in the midst of house renovations, and as far as I know, no one is hiding in the closet, or anywhere else for that matter....

I do think age of children has a lot to do with it (mine are both in grade school now so I have more me time) and when Tim was working from home we had much more sex.

I think I need to go to cafepress and make up bumper stickers that say "just say no to sex in the morning" it seems a common thread. If Tim wants morning sex he has to bring me coffee and then leave me alone for a good half an hour to enjoy it.

[-Blue]

*grumble*grumble*grumble*

Yep. Jealous here too. My babes take a lovely regular nap midday, perfect time ... but *sob* DH is at WORK.

Dang him.

Ahh, Julia I'm very glad that your sex life is chugging along well. I'm also glad you asked the question. Made me not feel so badly about our temporary only-two-to-three-times a week right now thing.

I'll live. ;)

-Blue

[wix]

we takes it when and where we can, which isn't often enough for either of our likings lately. it's more a schedule and child care thing than anything else. and mornings are ok by me, as long as i'm actually -awake- (meaning, i've relieved the heinous pressure on my bladder) before things get interesting.

[Sheri]

I am so sick with jealously I have literally turned a lovely shade of dark green.

[lisa]

I am waiting for the fancy Excel spreadsheet with graphs and charts analyzing responses to the last post. C'mon, we know how anal you are! :)

Oh, and we just had sex for the first time in 11 months. My husband was quite pleased to discover it hadn't shriveled up and fallen off.

[jenny]

You know, they should just throw those stereotypes out the window, about women not wanting as much sex as men. Not only because of all the str8 women who answered your question, but because of lesbians who go like bunnies. I mean, the sexology research has repeatedly found that the couples who have a) the most sex and b) are the most satisfied about it are lesbian couples.

Just saying.

[karen.w.]

You've reminded me of my favorite song by G. Love, which sums it up pretty well for me:

Gimme some lovin' early in the morning
I just woke up with this apetite
Come on give me love in the morning light

Some people like it in the afternoon
I don't think that I could wait that soon
Come on give me love in the morning light

Some people like it in the late at night
I could wait that long, but I don't think I might
Come on give me love in the morning light

Gonna love you soft and love you sweet
I can feel your heart beat
I need your attention to get me started right

I’m gonna wake you up with a kiss on the cheek
Come a little closer open up to me
Good morning babe, good mornin baby

Open your eyes just a little bit
Good morning sunshine I can’t resist
Dreamin' about you baby all through the night

[Erin]

Oh, come on, people! "The Morning Plan," as we used to call it in college, is the ultimate way to fortify yourself for another day at the office (or at home). Nothing gets you through a long day at work like that residual happy feeling...

And, as a bonus, if you live in my house, this happiness only takes about three minutes out of your morning routine!

Wait... is that a *good* thing?!

[Amy E.]

I am more of an "afternoon delight" girl if you know what I mean. The only time my husband gets any in the morning is on his birthday and even then I insist on teeth brushing by all parties involved.

Pushing for morning sex when you are already getting it 6-7 times a week does sound a little greedy to me.

[M]

My son sleeps with us. So almost any sex while sleeping is out unless we're feeling awake enough (and it's not too cold) to do it on the floor. And of course morning sex is out because the boy is sleeping too lightly and could wake up at any moment. Which is unfortunate for my husband, because I am one of those with a low sex drive husband, and it seems the one time that even, as another woman put it, the sight of my underwear gets him after me is in the morning. And that's only mornings when he doesn't have work, of course, as it seems on those mornings his one-track-at-a-time mind is in "work mode" from the time his eyes open. Must as I like being wanted though, I don't really like morning sex either. I'm a night or afternoon person.

Speaking of that story of yours, Mollie, it made me wince, remembering the pain of my sex life with my husband before my son was born. As for sex life after, heh, well, I guess my libido has been lowered to match more closely to my husband's for the most part. I just wish that I didn't have such a hang-up with having sex because I "have to", because all the right things have taken place (it's a weekend, my son is napping, we're both home and not out somewhere) and it's the only chance to do it for a week or more. I don't take to that well.

Julia, that's nice of you to try morning sex to make your husband happy. I'll try not to think bitterly how I wish that I could ask my husband to do the same (or that I could have three years ago). :)

[M]

Oh and Brad, I generally really like giving blow jobs. While I don't like the taste, I don't shirk from it either. However, I don't generally do it...to "completion", as it were, because he's only got one go in him and I actually want to have sex. But I always do it for a bit as part of foreplay.

[stephanie]

Mary,

Second your opinion on the BJ. Love giving, but use it far more for foreplay cause I wanna get some too!
Erin,

Totally with you on the morning love. Not every moring, mind you...but it can be very nice and set up for a nice day at work :-)

[lynn]

Was there ever a better reason for federally mandated siestas? America needs its afternoon delight!

[Blue]

My husband and I discussed your post last night and he agreed that he is pretty much good to go at any time day or night. Me? I like Sunday morning after sleeping in when we are both rested and there are no time constraints.
We tend to do it less often but when we do it is a marathon session usually lasting 45 minutes to an hour and a half or so. *grin*

[Linda]

"Seigneurial."

Excellent.

[Erin]

In the interest of fairness, I asked my husband if he enjoyed the morning plan as much as I do. To which he said, "To be honest, not really." ::gasps in shock::

Turns out, according to him, once he's done it for the day, he wants to relax and lay about and be generally lazy, not rush out the door to work. Now, when we do it at night, I always want to roll over and go to sleep, while he says he's "not tired yet."

How can morning and night be such opposites? (Yes, I realize the irony of what I just said, but you know what I mean...)

I just wanted to say to the comments about the women who are having severe sexual pain and bleeding, just recently two friends of mine "came out of the closet" with these same issues. One of my friends has been doing nothing but oral for five years.

Both said it was all about their muscles clamping down hard at the outside, so they couldn't get anything in. bleeding, etc.

I'm surprised by how often I've been hearing about it lately, so I thought I would say that you are definitely not alone, as it seems much more prevelant than I could have imagined.

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/78/95690.htm

Oral-for-five-years girl went to several therapists, and half told her she must have been sexually abused (she wasn't). She decided a few months ago that she was going to "fix it once and for all", so she went forced her husband to have really bad sex with her every day for two months. Crying every night, the whole nine yards. For some reason, this ended up working.

In any case, it seems like it's a real issue for a lot of women, and they get the "just relax" or "your father must have sexually abused you" line, and neither scenario is true or helpful.

[Karla]

I had my baby 3 months ago, and sex still hurts for me, so that's slowed things down to a near-stop. I don't have anyone I can ask this question of, so I''ll ask here: how long does it usually take before it stops hurting after having a baby? I'm talking about the actual place where his big head tunnelled through. It hurts to even think of putting anything in there. Heck, it sometimes hurts just when I squat down to pick something up. (Not bad, but still hurts.) I assumed that after the 2 month doctor checkup gave me the "all clear" that I would be good to go...I was shocked to find how much it still hurt at that point, when we gave it a shot.

[Kim]

J-

I love Get Fuzzy. It is one of my favorites. Go Satchel, but Bucky is hilarious.

[Patrick]

Stephanie is quite good at them, Mary ;-)

Good enough to get me fired up! ;-D

[fishface]

My husband is a morning sex kind of guy and I'm a night time kind of girl. Our sexual schedules are so far off base that we're lucky to hook up once a month anymore.

We both do shiftwork and work odd hours. Several years ago I worked nights and he worked days and our sex life was awesome. I would get home and go to bed and he'd just be waking up (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). That was about the only time we seemed to both in the mood at the same time.

I am soooo jealous of all the action you're getting from Steve. You go girl!