I Bought A Few Things And Actually I Do Feel Better

Oh, I am so sorry. I was not hiding from you after depressing beta results, I swear it.

Don't get me wrong, the latest beta numbers are depressing (132- so, that is what? doubling but in 3 days and a laughably low level for this many days past transfer anyway? something grim) but I was actually quite busy last night and today due to a spurt of shameless consumerism, largely related to Patrick's new bed. Also, my father-in-law is coming tomorrow and the house is a disaster and we needed cheeses. And a shower curtain for the new bathroom. Some wastepaper baskets. A duvet cover. A sofa, two chairs, and a bench for the living room. Pillowcases to match the duvet. And a rug, of course, our rug guy finally found us a living room rug we love. And one for the dining room as well. But, apart from that, the shopping frenzy was really all about the child.

We have decided to ease Patrick into a bed after three happy years in his crib because.... um, to be honest I have no idea why. He likes his crib. He is safe in there. He is almost too big for it (hey! did I tell you that Patrick has suddenly grown to the 90th percentile for height? I feel this somehow validates my theory that I am actually much much taller than I have appeared to be and am understandably thrilled) but he is not yet. So what's with the bed? I dunno, frankly. But we bought it [new purchase] and it was delivered this morning and it looks adorable in his room. What with the little alphabet sheets [new purchase, internet] and the wee alphabet pillow [new purchase, internet] and the alphabet quilt [new purchase, looooooong drive]- just darling.

Aesthetics aside, the trial run at naptime went thusly:

1:02 - Finish reading last story. Give Patrick the option of sleeping in his new bed or his crib. Patrick opts for the new bed.

1:03 - Leave Patrick with his head resting on his pillow, eyes squeezed shut, two hands meekly folded across Bear's middle. Feel suspicious.

1:04 through 1:06 - Linger outside of his bedroom but hear nothing and go back downstairs.

1:09 - Get shock of a fucking lifetime as I turn from unloading the dishwasher and discover Patrick an inch away from me. "Hello," he says brightly, "You got up."

1:10 - Deposit Patrick back into his new bed. Explain, again, that he must stay in bed and it is time to go to sleep now.

1:16 - Walk by Steve's office with laundry basket and discover Patrick and Steve companionably side-by-side on the couch in there. Explain to Packy that he must. stay. in. his. room. Explain to Steve that if he is not part of the solution he is part of the problem. Remove child. 

1:22 - Patrick opens door to the bathroom where I though I might, possibly, be able to pee in private for about half a second.

1:23 through 2:12 - Mostly a blur punctuated with Patrick popping from the most unlikely places like some sort of hobgoblin and scaring the spleen out of me.

2:13 - Patrick re-discovers joys of sleeping in his crib.

Tomorrow, of course, is another day. I suppose it will eventually sort itself out, right? Speaking of tomorrow I will be going for super-exciting blood draw number four in the morning. I WILL post the results as soon as I get them. I wish I had given you my guess as to what Monday's beta would be before they called last night because then I could have awed you all with my uncanny ability to interpret the darkness of home pregnancy test lines. I estimated a beta hcg of 138, I will have you know.

Ummmmmm, tomorrow's will be... not sure yet. Just shy of two hundred perhaps?   

Comments

[Erin]

Hi there. Delurking to say that my betas were *horrible*, with an average doubling time of something like 85 hours (3.54 days). I was convinced that this pregnancy was doomed, but it's almost 12 weeks now.

So, take heart. Up is still up, even if it is going slowly. Hopefully all will be well.

[Jill]

All is forgiven! And you even went the extra mile and made me laugh my ass off, what with Patrick "popping from the most unlikely places like some sort of hobgoblin" scaring the spleen out of you. On a less hilarious note, your numbers are most perplexing. I don't know what it all means, but I know it is by no means reassuring. Still, my fingers are crossed.

[Alexa]

I always like to think that maybe my embryos take after me in being procrastinating underachievers--they mean to produce the requisite amounts of HCG, really, but are just putting it off until the last possible moment. So I will hope that this is what is going on with your embryo, and that it will pull itself together in time for tomorrow's beta.
Patrick sounds impressively stealthy, to be able to sneak up on you like that.

[T]

All this very cute Patrick stuff, but you held out on the most important information - what kind of cheese?

[Cris]

Well, finally! Was quite worried for a while (all of a day, but you know, internet time). Have no idea what your numbers mean - anxiety is quite exhausting isn't it? Frankly, I can't handle going through it myself at this point, so I am sorry to say that, regarding pregnancy at least, I am living vicariously through you. Although, I am quite jealous of your shopping spree. After my last miscarriage I bought three hundred dollars of huge Pottery Barn urns and I thought that was extravagent!

(Sidebar - does anyone else do this? "Because of the miscarriage I'm not sending a child to college so ergo I have saved thousands of dollars and now have the freedom, no matter how unwanted, to purchase a consolation prize for myself.")

Well, hope you are surviving and keeping it together. But don't feel you have to - fall apart all you need.

[Judy]

With all that you have going on you still take the time to make me laugh - thank you! Best of luck with tomorrow's beta results! I'm hoping the less then stellar numbers are just your future off-spring's way of fucking with you - Patrick can't have all the fun.

[julia]

This is exactly why I don't want to move my son (Max, 21 mo.) into a bed. All my friends moved their kids at 18 months. Huh? Are they crazy? They tell hair-raising stories of waking up eye-to-eye with toddler stalkers, who have wandered into their rooms at 3 am and stand stock-still and silent, just staring. After something like that,I would never sleep deeply again.

I guess it's just a sooner or later prospect. Anyway Patrick sounds like the cutest little hobgoblin going.

Since I don't know jack about beta numbers, I'm going to take the doubling as a monumentally good sign, and get excited. And what Erin (above) posted makes it sound good, too, right? Right? Right. We'll go with that.

[Rachel]

Urgh on the beta. Regarding Patrick--when we switched my oldest to a big boy bed we put one of those childproof doorknob-thingies that you have to squeeze with superhuman strength and concentration by the two rubber dots in order to open (at least for the first week, and then it is second nature) on the INSIDE of his door. Doesn't keep them from playing in their room, but at least keeps your spleen on the inside.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

We need PICTURES of the ultra-cute alphabet bedding and bed!

and bleah with a smidgen of absurd & unrealistic hope on the beta. my much poked elbow throbs in sympathy with yours.

[jenn]

Oh no, sorry about the beta(s). Uhg. And no need for extra stress about the big boy bed- what difference will a few days make?
Take care of yourself! You are in my thoughts.

[A.]

Baby gate at the door to the kid's room. Pressure-mounted, no hardware necessary. Put it high enough that he can't climb over, but not so high that he can crawl under. There's a sweet spot. Make the rule that he must be in the room, not necessarily in the bed. Most kids play for a bit, maybe whine a little, then fall asleep.

[Annie]

Dude. I want to say something all witty-like about your #'s, but dude.

Fia often scares the pants off of my getting up from her nap. Nice shopping though. Especially the couch. I mean, who doesn't need a new couch? It's for Packy, right?

[Christine]

Luckily, you can live without your spleen.

[Heather]

Thanks for the beta update. Glad to hear you're still in the game for now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. Let us know tomorrow's results, please! I'm praying for you.

[Sally]

I know nothing about beta numbers so I looked up www.betabase.info to find out what's "normal". I expected to see information on there that would make me understand that there is only utter hopelessness to your situation, but it seems like there were a LOT of successful* pregnancies reported with betas lower than yours. So maybe I'm silly to hope for you, but silly I am. (Am I now being my mother asking me for the seventh time "but how do you KNOW that CVS results are accurate?? They said there's an error rate of 1%...and even if not, I'm sure there are people out there missing an ENTIRE CHROMOSOME that are just fine...)? Oh Christ I AM her, aren't I?

[Mollie]

Oooh, let's shop together. *giggle* *sashay*

I wish I could shop on the internet still, but NO ONE SHIPS TO CANADA. It kind of sucks. Here I am, suddenly all a-bristle with good old American acquisitiveness (due to our home reno) and nowhere to go with it.

On the topic of crib v. big boy bed: Oh, am I glad those transition days are over. See, with us, it was that Nico kept climbing OUT of the crib. We put a lock on his door (what every parenting book tells you NOT to do) saying that it was for his own protection, lest he wander out of his room, trip lightly downstairs while we slept, and... I don't know... turn on all the stove burners? Wander outside somehow into the arctic cold and freeze to death, wearing only a diaper? You know those news stories!

Mostly, though, it was because I COULD NOT SLEEP knowing that my kid was going to wander around, and end up in my room in the middle of the night. NOT COOL. So we incarcerated him. I shudder to remember it.

Now he shares a room with his little sister, who is absolutely going to climb out of her crib as soon as she's tall enough. Plus, she's got an accomplice. Hopefully, during their nighttime escapades, they'll decide to emulate the shoemaker's elves and do some floor-scrubbing and laundry-folding.

[Rhonda]

Re the bad news shopping spree: I remember, for my first miscarriage, after getting The Rotten News at an ultrasound, my husband and I went out and dropped quite a few bucks on impulse-shopping.

Re the switch to a bed: I switched my daughter to a big girl bed when she was three, and I second the suggestion for a pressure gate at the bedroom door. Though I warn you that as soon as she realized that she didn't have to stay in bed at naptime, she gave up the afternoon nap and nothing we could do could get her to lay down, unless she was ill. (car naps worked for a while longer, but they don't anymore, which is just as well, at the current gas prices.

[mo]

im with someone up there, kind of. when i switched my son to a bed, it was because he was climbing out of his cot, and he was 18 months old. and he did NOT like it. and i got sick of putting him in bed every three seconds, and so i just ended up closing his door. and you know, for the first couple of weeks he would scream and scream and fall asleep on the floor, but after that he just stopped, and now he sleeps just fine. ALTHOUGH! hes JUST learned to open the damn door, so now im being woken up at five am anyway.

also, with the introduction of a bed, like someone else mentioned, he dropped the daytime nap. because he isnt confined any more. and its horrible. but, i stick him in his room for an hour or so anyway every day and delude myself into thinking that hes 'resting', because if i dont have that hour, then i go a bit mental.

[Heather]

Retail therapy: it's what seperates us from raccoons and recyclers.

Julia, I just checked in from a long absence and caught up on all your goings-on. I'm so sorry about the fucked up beta numbers and the transfer. Please take care of yourself.

[MistressMary]

My kids never understood the concept of a "nap." And clearly I didn't either. They nap now that they are 18 and 19, but that's probably because they were out late drinking beer or being naughty with boyfriends or something.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Damn if retail therapy doesn't cure all. Well, almost.

[chris]

Hmmm, retail therapy. I'm right with you, sister.

Take care.

[Heels]

There is no such thing as too much cheese.

Though our daughter fit into it just fine and never climbed out, we finally took down the crib because we were sick of looking at it.

Julia, I am thinking of you.

[Libby]

Sorry about the sucky beta result. All my bits are still crossed in hopes of a miracle of sorts.

Af far as the big boy bed... well, we changed Sofia to a toddler bed for basically the same reasons, I mean no reason at all, other than she was 3. She never tried to get out of her crib and liked it quite a bit.

Well, we made a big deal of the big bed and she was excited and blah blah blah. A few days later I considered burning the thing. Man the first few days were awful...she did not want to go to sleep and now I did not have the luxury of leaving her in her crib to talk to herself until she fell asleep. Now she was getting up and getting out of her room and then she would also get up at all hours of the night and tip toe to my room and scare the living hell out of me.

One night we put her to bed and a couple of hours later the husband and I went to bed. I checked on her before going to my room and she was sound asleep. So then, my husband was tossing and turning and finally says: I just can't get comfortable, I can't sleep. And out of nowhere this little voice goes: I can help you with that daddy! and holy smokes,there she was standing next to my side of the bed. My husband and I laughed a nervous laugh, and felt a bit relieved that we were, you know, just trying to fall asleep and not doing something else....

Anyway, she is doing a bit better but it has been a struggle. She still gets up in the middle of the night, last night being an example. I hoping she gets used to it soon.

[Laura K.]

I am with whoever said they wanted to see pictures - bring on the visual aids!

I'm sure the nap thing will get better soon. With K we had both beds in her room for quite some time just in case a mid-nap bed-to-crib switch was needed.

Damn those betas.

[liz s]

I just got back from vacation and logged on certain that your beta would be off the charts. I sat there dumbfounded when I read the numbers. I just don't know what to say. In my fairy tale world it all worked out and you would go on to have a "boringly" normal pregnancy. I am so sorry you are going through this again.

There is nothing like a shopping spree to divert your attention.

Take care.

Liz

[Allie]

I'm sorry you are disappointed about your hCG, but it is rising and that's a good sign in my book! Although they say that 48 hour doubling is the benchmark, most doctors will tell you that anywhere between 48-72 hours is acceptable. I'm in the same boat, waiting on these f'ing levels every 2 days, worrying, wondering, stressing. (My levels were 11 (9dp5dt), 21, 69, and 348 - all very inispiring. And now I am waiting on today's results.) This numbers game really sucks. So I'm not going to tell you to calm down, relax, and not to worry, because that is impossible for us IVFers to do. BUT, don't give up hope! All you can do is take it one day at a time, one test at a time, on level at a time. Who knows? Maybe your next one will be 500! I will pray for high levels for you.

[Scully]

I hate to see you go through this - the disappointment. Just know I'm thinking of you.

Oh the transition from crib to bed. My son was about three when we finally did it and he used scare me half to death popping up out of nowhere.

It does get better and it usually works itself out quite quickly. You're doing what I did and we found it worked.

What's scarier though is when a surly 15 year old who is much taller than you and much hairier pops up in the kitchen scratching parts that he shouldn't be scratching in public and says good morning in a very deep voice.

My doctor wonders why I have so much stress in my life.

[patricia]

Ahh, I remember the transition of not being able to lock my son in his crib any longer. Unlike more adventurous toddlers he never dared climb out of it.

He was just three when we got him a bunk bed. I thought "he can have it for sleepovers and/or share it with his sibling." Ha, ha. Such optimism. Miraculously, I discovered I was pregnant, a week after we got the bed. That was the beginning of Miscarriage Road. Maybe that bunk bed was bad luck.

Anyways, it didn't really take too long for him to stay in bed, most of the time. And now when he really needs us, he doesn't have to wait for us to wake up, he can just come bang on our heads.

With my last miscarriage, I also remember betting on what the next beta would be. I, too, was uncannily accurate. Too bad that doesn't get us a prize. I think my beta at about 5 weeks was 180-something. Grim.

I am so sorry.

[Toni]

I am hoping good things for the beta...that MN has some flukey system that causes beta issues in the beginning...something like that.

As for the bed...I got lucky with my daughter...knock on wood - she took to it instantly and wanted nothing to do with the crib afterwards. She still stays in bed when she wakes up and calls for us "Ma...Ma..I'm done...". Yep...got pretty lucky on that one.

However, I did have to deal with a wrestling match in the grocery store parking lot to get her into her seat. I was wiped - so not the perfect child :)

[Lisa P]

Oh, crap with the beta numbers! 'Nuff said there.

The shopping spree, however, sounds wonderful! I love those kinds of trips!! Can I come with next time???

As for Patrick and the big boy bed, I was lucky, too. My daughter moved shortly after her second birthday. It took a couple of months to transition from napping there to sleeping there at night but she never once tried to get out. Like I said, lucky! We did also do the gate thing because her room is upstairs and ours is down. Didn't want to hear clunkity-clunk at 2:00 AM if she ever did try to get out.

All that being said, she was VERY attached to her crib so I started by being out past naptime and letting her fall asleep in the car. When we got home I carried her to the new bed instead of the crib. She woke up there and all was well. Of course, this will only work if Patrick will A) fall asleep in the car and B) stay asleep as you unbuckle him and carry him to his room. My daughter? No problem! My son? Are you kidding me?? He has a sixth sense about our driveway. His eyes will pop open the instant we hit it and rarely will he ever go back to sleep and finish the nap even if he only slept 10 minutes in the car.

Lots of luck with it all!

[Amber]

I have no comment on the betas. Having dealt with them for 7 IVF cycles, I have no clue anymore.

You cracked me up on the hobglobin though. OMgosh. Way too funny. He will get it eventually. I think so anyway.

[Leah]

I read that putting up a gate at the child's door works pretty well--they can still see out as opposed to closing their door. If Patrick can climb over the gate, you can try 2! (one on top of the other!)

[Karen]

Ugh, betas. Sometimes I think they are more trouble than they are worth and we should just do away with them. I had perfectly rising betas for my last two pregnancies but, alas, no baby resulted from either. You just don't know until you see the ultrasound what's really going on in there. I continue to hope for you!

[-Blue]

Ditto what A said.

Baby gate! My rule is that you can do whatever you like during nap time or bed time but you must be in your room and quiet!

My DS #1 sleeps - DD#1 plays, talks, sings, creates fantastical scenarios with her dizzying array of stuffed animals ... you get my drift. But they're both quiet and contained.

Mommy's happy!

As for the betas, well, i have no experience to comment but I shall remain stubbornly optimistic on your behalf!!

-Blue

[Jeanette]

Keep him in his crib. Keep him in his crib. For the love of all things holy woman, keep him in his crib.

Bella was a divine sleeper. Twelve hours at night, two hour nap in the afternoon. Read her a book, rock her for a song or two, pop her in her crib wide awake and ta-da...we're done. We were somehow convinced that a bed was necessary and things have NEVER, EVER been the same. In fact - it is almost 11pm right now, and I think she fell asleep about five minutes ago. No nap either....she stopped that at 2.5 years

Keep him in the crib!

Jeanette

PS: As always, you are in my thoughts constantly. I haven't posted here in an eternity, but always read, and think of you often.

[Natalie]

So sorry about the beta numbers, although I am without any words of wisdom.

As for the bed thing, I too have been scared half to death by the sudden appearance of a small person. "Hi Mommy!" says my daughter one morning. "EEEEK!" shrieked I. My daughter's response to that was "are you scared Mommy?" Heh. Now she appears in the bathroom when I am taking my shower... "Can I come in with you Mommy?" Best of luck with the transition.

[Mandy]

I *heart* Patrick.

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