If This Keeps Up I Might Be Nominated For The Homecoming Court

Hey! Hi! Hello!

I know my silence has probably seemed brooding but actually I have been busy dispatching actual, corporeal social obligations. Every millenia or so the planets align for a microsecond in such a way as to bring my popularity to dizzying heights and apparently this is My Week. I have had TWO lunch engagements, a shopping excursion and a dinner/movie invite in the past three days alone. And just for me. None of this bring the child/ we would love to see Steve nonsense.

So I lunched, and then lunched and helped a woman who I am shamelessly courting get her almost-four-week-old-twin-girls to nap and today went shopping for stock pots with a neighbor (well, I needed an enormous stock pot, she was my sidekick) and finally took a raincheck on the movie.

Patrick peed in his underpants four times today and the last time I went to put on a replacement pair he said, "We need to talk." I said, "Um, ok" and he said, "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA!" really, really fast. I said, "Patrick, my love, that is marvelous and we are very very proud of you but would you mind pulling your pants down before you pee and, dare we hope, could you maybe then scoot on over to the potty first?" To which Patrick replied, "OK. Also, 10987654321!"    

On the bright side we were attempting the potty thing in order to allow him to go to preschool and he is a veritable camel outside the house. He is 100% accident-free no matter what the duration or distance, just so long as we are not home. Home, he feels, is where you go whenever and wherever you feel you need to go. Which I guess is true. IF HOME IS A BARN.

I got a blood draw break for a few days and only went back today for the followup. My hcg level is now 1486, so probably/almost high enough to see something by ultrasound if there is anything to see tomorrow. I have one scheduled for 1pm and, in case you were wondering, what we are rooting for is to see that misshapen, never-going-to-be-a-baby sac squarely in the uterus. It is a simple wish but it comes from the heart.

As always I prefer to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative and not mess with Mr. In-Between. By which I mean: Steve has a balanced translocation. We have known this for six years. I have already lost eight pregnancies, one even after IVF with PGD. The odds are not in our favor as we try to have a second child. We know this. Actually we do not just know this, we believe it. We accept it. And we try anyway because it is worth it to us and because we have decided that we will only try for as long as we can be happy while we are doing so. And I don't just mean happy when things are hopeful, I mean happy today, right now, when I either have an ectopic or a pending miscarriage. It is sad, it is disappointing but we, Steve and I, are fine. We have lovely lives. Yes, we would like more than anything to share those lives with another person. Hell, we would love to share it with two or three more. But we are no longer grieving our inability to have children with ease. We are just living and soldiering on. And, to the best of our abilities, we are doing so with all of the joy at our disposal. Which is all we can do.

Ultrasound tomorrow. Repeat after me: in the uterus, in the uterus....

Comments

[Mete]

Wishing you good news, whatever that may mean at the moment. I'm sure the definition changes from day to day, minute to minute. But it sounds like you'll be just fine no matter what it is. I admire you for that.

[Kathee]

Hey Julia...you are breaking my heart. I'm chanting now...IN THE UTERUS, IN THE UTERUS.

[Natalie]

In the U-T-E-R-U-S, dammit! Soldier on, sista!

[Christine]

Wait. You are helping. Someone else. Get their kids. To nap.

Do I need to ENGRAVE the invitation? Two kids at four weeks = only 8 weeks of no sleeping. I'm on 20-something weeks now, I think.

Hoping all is uterine tomorrow.

[Cathy]

In the uterus, in the uterus.

Or, SURETUEHTNI, as someone might say.

[JuliaKB]

In the uterus!
Would it help if I also chanted that in foreign languages?

[sally]

LISTEN: I have a balanced trans. I have had 8 m/c in a row trying for number 2. Then, for no reason, after all the regular m/c CRAP and even two abnormal CVS's at 13 weeks each we just got lucky. Naturally - no PGD or in vitro or anything. Number 9 is normal. It CAN happen and we were like you in that we would have kept on with this so called nonsense and bullshit, well, until. It was our choice and we were the only ones who needed to be ok with what went along with it.

Just soldier on if this is what you want. Accept that, no matter what, the rest of the world will watch you with a deeply concerned expression and shake their heads and say "Tsk tsk, how sad - they keep running head first into the brick wall. That must hurt. Will they never learn?"

I say apply ice and get back out there. The wall's waiting and p.s. - there's something so very wonderful behind it. Good luck to you.

[Cris]

You're my hero! You're a little ahead of me in the grief / acceptance cycle. Its actually kind of nice to have someone leading the way (as sucky as it may be for you). And Patrick is brilliant.

...in the uterus...in the uterus...in the uterus...

[Louise]

intheuterusintheuterusintheuterus

Might I take a moment here to tell you how much I admire you? Every time you post, I read and walk away thinking I wish Julia was my friend . . .

Thinking uterine thoughts for tomorrow.

[Mollie]

The only way I could ever say the alphabet backwards would be really, really slowly. If at all. As I have stated before, I am afraid to ever meet your boy, as he would surely find me utterly beneath his intellect.

Julia, I am delighted beyond all reason that you are living joyfully in the moment at hand. I only wish you were living joyfully in the moment at hand a little closer, geographically, to me. Lunch with you would be such a pleasure.

Looks like I'll probably be headed your way come December. Realizing that there is a small possibility that I may actually get to see you again, there in the tundra, in a stolen moment away from the Christmas crapola of the husband's relations and The Cumbersome, Completely Inappropriate Gifts That Must Be Hauled Back On The Airplane (sing with me! All together now!), I feel a little bubble-light of hope effervescing in my soul.

What can I say? I've got a bit of a crush on you.

xoxo

[Aimee]

You are my hero. I admire you so much, you don't even know. Yours and Steve's attitudes are awesome in your situation. Good Luck at the ultrasound. I'm wishing you good thoughts. Hugs and Loves!

[terri c]

in the uterus,
in the uterus,
in the UTERUS,
IN the uterus,
IN THE UTERUS DAMMIT!

thinking of you all.

[Bec]

in the uterus, in the uterus etc. etc. etc.

Fingers (and toes - I am talented) crossed!!

Bec (and Charlotte)

[Annie]

Can I babysit your kid while you babysit your friend (or her kids...)? 'Cause I think he'd be a blast to play with.

Question--how's Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell going?

[Rae]

Julia

Had I read your post a year ago I would have said "how do I get to where she is?" how do I reach that point of celebrating what I do have even in the midst of sadness. I still don't know the answer but as I read your post I nodded. I'm glad that we've both reached this place. Sure its not the place we'd choose to be but so much better than being in. the. sad. place.

[Lisa V]

ute, ute, ute

[Kelly]

"uterusssss" "uteruss" doesnt have the same ring to it as "ommmm" but it will suffice for now. Best of luck with the scan.

[Kate]

Delurking to chant with the rest of the crowd.

IN THE UTERUS

[FlippyO]

I don't understand any of the medical/infertility number/abbreviation talk. Not even when I try, it's that foreign to me. But hey, I know what a uterus is, so I can focus on that for you, and wish you well.

But your writing, it makes me happy. It's like your brain throws words onto the screen, and they land in some wacky magical order, the likes not seen in many places. I love The Internets™, I do.

[QuiltingChaos]

Ah Julia - in the uterus ... ad infinitum. Or, as Patrick might say suretu eht ni.
-Margie

[Marsha]

Innnnnthhhhhheeeeuuuuuuuterussssssss.

There. With that taken care of I need to point out that the only time I ever managed to get the alphabet out backwards was in what I now recognize as a hazing incident. Good for Patrick to get this skill down well before the college years.

[Kate]

I hope that the u/s gives you the news you want.

[Lisa P]

In the uterus, in the uterus . . .

And, besides the above crap, your week sounds divine! Can I come next time, pretty please?? I would LOVE to have a child free lunch.

Good luck with the u/s.

[Molly]

Wow. Patrick's all set if he ever gets pulled over for suspected DUI.

I'm hoping for you tomorrow . . .

[Cat, Galloping]

Words cannot express my admiration for you, so I'll just say

intheuterus intheuterus intheuterus

[reprogirl]

When Patrick gets a bit older, can I date him?
You are amazing. I am happy that there is so much good in your life and that the sadness doesn't eclipse it for you.

[Bella]

I wish I could be where you are, mentally. I have not stopped grieving our inability to have children with ease. I might be getting closer, though.

On the potty subject, other posts about Patrick have reminded me of my own 3.25 year old son. This one? Bullseye. Out of the house, fine. Overnight? Dry. Home, playing fantasy games with playmobil figures? Pees in underwaer all afternoon.
Making me crazy? Oh, yeah!

Hoping for a non-ectopic for you...

[Lala]

You are atower of power and this is the Tower of Julia Power Hour!
You give me inspiration to go buy a stock pot, even though I already have a commercial bain marie.

[julia]

good luck today :-)

[Catherine]

Everybody sing it!

In the uterus...in the uterus...in the uterus...

[Jenn]

In the uterus...in the uterus...in the uterus...

[Amanda]

Wishing you the best news!!! in the uterus sister!!

[Alexa]

I am chanting along with everyone else--silently, of course, because I am at work and do not wish to alarm anyone with my muttering of IN THE UTERUS...

[Julie]

Gimmea U, Gimme a T, Gimme a E, Gimme an R, Gimme a U, Gimme an S. What's that spell? UTERUS!! COME ON, BE IN THE UTERUS!

Oh hell Julia, if I can't have another, I want to just live vicariously through you!!!! GOOD LUCK! Fingers, toes, eyes, and even the legs are crossed!

[Jill]

I can't tell you how many times I heard "You have one kid, why do you keep putting yourself through this?" Fast forward - Number two started 1st grade this week.

In the uterus...

[Karen]

In the uterus, in the uterus, in the uterus!

[Karen]

I love you so much I can barely stand it.

You are just amazing, woman. And I'm sending all my uterine thoughts your way.

[April]

in the uterus... in the uterus... in the uterus....

Thinking of you Julia.

[Jenn]

I am so impressed with Patrick! He would totally pass a DUI stop.

Crossing my fingers for you today....

[liz]

InTheUterusInTheUterusInTheUterusInTheUterus.

Big hugs to you all.

[Aitch]

Yes, I am saying it.

[victoria]

Sentences like the following make me love you: "I have one scheduled for 1pm and, in case you were wondering, what we are rooting for is to see that misshapen, never-going-to-be-a-baby sac squarely in the uterus. It is a simple wish but it comes from the heart."

Are you sure you're really, really serious about staying with Steve?

[Noelle]

I so admire you. That was what I kept thinking over and over as I read your post.

Keeping my fingers crossed for in the uterus.

[halloweenlover]

I'll keep up the chant from Boston, too. Maybe you could teach Patrick to sing "If you're happy and you know it yell UTERUS!!!"

It'd be kind of amusing at the doctor's office, at least?

Wishing you good things and a happy weekend.

[Toni]

uterusuterusuterusuterusuterusuterusuterus...interesting that uterus has the work "us" in it. Wonder why??

[Jenl]

You are beautiful.

I can say nothing more.

[Kristine]

Wow, all I can say is you are a truly amazing woman!

[Ollie]

Still chanting... "in the uterus.."

[wavery]

You make me want to suck it up and soldier on. Thank you for being so damn great.

[Sheridan]

Another loud "in the uterus" chant coming from Down Under.

You really are an inspiration. I'm so glad that you are happy.

in the uterus, in the uterus, in the uterus......