The Little Beta That Could

My father-in-law is arriving any second now but I promised I would tell you what the latest hcg level is and my promise is a sacred, unbreakable vow (I mean, unless I meet another internet I like better in which case, you know, sorry, and it was fun and all, but you knew we were never all that serious to begin with.)

...................226

To recap:

12dp5dt (17dpo) - 52

14dp5dt (19dpo) - 64

17dp5dt (22dpo) - 132

19dp5dt (24dpo) - 226

Yessir, we are setting the world a'fire.

Personally I continue to think this entire dealie is totally, utterly, irrevocably hopeless. Or "fucked" as we like to say here in the forest.

Back later. Kisses.

Comments

[Brooklyn Girl]

Oh good lord. I wish I could think of something to see, but I'm feeling speechless. Hang in there.

[Amber]

and what do the folks at the Grove have to say?

[Brooklyn Girl]

Something to SAY.

Damn.

[michelle]

I am so sorry.

[Julie]

I just want to remind you that it's negative attitudes like yours that make the baby Jesus weep, Julia.

[Celeste]

Perhaps this is the infamous Little Beta that Could?

[Cris]

As you said previously - gak. I hate answers that aren't really answers. Just to recap - I had fabulous numbers last time, but still no go. And for our one success (age two, named Katie) I have no idea what the numbers were as I didn't know at the time you could find such stuff out. At that point I was believing the "you've only had two miscarriages, which could happen to anyone, you are fine" line that the nurses/doctors were spouting. Ah, to be young and naive again.

Anyway, lots and lots and lots of luck and tea and sympathy.

[Kay]

The baby Jesus should be weeping - but not b/c of the attitude. (I know that was a tongue in cheek remark by Julie).

Gosh, can't you get a break!

[Lisa]

Sorry the beta hell continues.

[Shelley]

Well looka there. Gee. So, when's the next draw?

Thinking of you-
S

[Denise]

Julia,

I think you are doing ok, your numbers are steadily going up and during the 3 day wait... they doubled that's good. During the 2 day wait it's a little under doubling but I think if you had waited and had the blood drawn tomorrow it would have doubled.

Yes I am an unabashed optimist!!! This is definately the little beta that could!

I will continue to keep you and your little peanut in my prayers!

Denise.

[Cat, Galloping]

Wow, um, a little less ambiguity would be nice, huh? How intensely frustrating.

[Suz]

It is frustrating, and I don't quite know what to say, but since I have boundless optimism as far as other people are concerned, I will say that the beta seems to be headed in the right direction and getting a little quicker at it too. I'm wishing the very best for you.

[Andrea]

I am reluctantly having to go along with "fucked" also. It reminds me too much of a blighted ovum I once had, including the whole 'wait and see, there's just a slim possibility this could all work out' thing.

Damn.

[reenie]

I really wanted this for you. I'm so sorry you're not seeing the numbers add up for you. I want to say you're doing amazingly well considering, but I have no idea how you really feel inside. You could just be a fabulous actress. I guess this means another go with the needle...they should just put in a permanent iv for you, it seems more humane than sticking you over and over.

[Lisa P]

I don't know, Julia. If I were you, I'd probably have the same attitude. Better to be prepared for something bad and be surprised by something good than the other way around. But . . . looking at it as an "innocent" bystander. . . Your numbers ARE within a normal range, though low. They ARE consistently increasing. And by the time you reach 6 weeks, doubling can (or so I've read) take up to 3 1/2 days. By my calculations, you should be just about 6 weeks, right?

Ahhh, hell! Only time will tell. When will they schedule an ultrasound for you?

[Jody]

Huh.

Well, could it look more like last time?

Ugh.

Two questions: (a) next beta date? any whisper of a -- you know -- U/S? and (b) what says the Graves of Shode?

[Having now bowed in the direction of realism, can I tell you that I feel this irrational hopefulness that has no real place? Yeah. That's me: not learning anything while living vicariously through others' agonies of uncertainty. Damn.]

[Mollie]

Sorry. Wish you had a definitve answer. Thinking of you, Jules.

xo

[FishFace]

So sorry.

[T]

uh, huh. well, um - when's the next beta then?

[Lyss]

What the hell's going on in there?

I hope against logic something healthy, hopefully, and stubborn is growing in there.

[Ollie]

Ummmmmmmmm. *scratch, scratch*

[Lisa V]

Sucks.

[chris]

What the hell?

[Alexa]

Oh, honestly. I am so sorry.

[Aimee]

Ack! I hate betas. I hate them, hate them, hate them! Thinking positive thoughts for you, but know your pain and anger! Damn.

[Milenka]

I've learned to always expect the worst in my own life, but I'll be hoping for the very best for you!

[deborah]

Hmmmmmmm. Just...hmmmmmm.

[Kinneret]

As my friend likes to say "believe in miracles, just don't depend on them".
I'm sorry, Julia. I wish this were easier for all of you.

[Donnie]

So.
Uh.
Yeah.

I'm trying to find words here.
What is going on with your body? Miracle or heartbreak; I hope you get answers very very soon.

-D.

[Lala]

I think they're just fucking with us all.

[mm]

Ugh. Could those numbers BE more ambiguous? I'm annoyed for you.

[Emily]

Good greif, how about some answers for christ's sake. Oh man. I'm afraid to hope for you but I am anyway. I hope... well, I just hope. Hang in there. I'm sorry it's torturing you like this. It really isn't even remotely fair.

[Liz]

Is there any chance that the local RE hates you and they are just stabbing you with needles and then viciously making up numbers to fuck with you? My Magic 8 Ball says, "Unclear, Ask Again Later"

[Jen (yup, another one)]

Where is the fast forward button when you REALLY need it? The waiting and torturous number game is agonizing enough on THIS end of the Internet; it must be unbearable on yours.

Fingers crossed just in case...

[Betsy]

Well, this is one helluva crap sandwich, Julia.

Damnation.

[Laura K.]

Freakin' frack. What do the drs. say?

[Heather]

I also am wondering what your doctors are saying? When is this ultrasound scheduled for? I'm also wondering " blighted ovum"? I had one of those a long time ago. I don't remember what my beta numbers were like.

[Heather]

WTF?? Ambiguity=shit.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this!

[Mia]

Sometimes what people consider a "negative attitude" (which is a common term where I work for people who stand up for themselves) is just someone's way of preparing for the worst - something I can relate to.

On the other hand, I am still hoping for the best for you. What you need are answers from the all-knowing medical staff.

[Katherine]

I cannot even imagine how hard this is to go through. I'm so sorry. But, am I mistaken or is the lil stinker speeding up?? Maybe just a late starter - dunno. Sorry.

[Tertia]

How completely fucking frustrating. So, what does the dear Dr say? It is or isn't it? Will it or wont it?

Sorry dahling, so fucking unfair.

[Jill]

"Inconclusive" is my all time least favorite lab result. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this.

[Catherine]

Don't you wish there was a little window so you could just peek in and see what's going on?

I'm still holding onto hope for you. Probably crazy, I know, but I can't help it.

[April]

Sweet Julia... so sorry you're going through such a horribly frustrating time.

Thinking of you.

[GiBee]

Okay ... I may be the only one to make a comment like this, but... actually, your numbers don't look all that bad. You started testing pretty early!

If I recall correctly, Shady Grove didn't want me to have my first beta done until FIFTEEN days past transfer, and if you look at your numbers starting with day 14, you're slower, but close to doubling. I bet your day 15 would have been in the 100's, which is right where they want to see it.

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to wait for your first sonogram. That will be the deciding factor. Pretty sure of it.

Until then, I'm crossing every single body part for you, and keeping you in my prayers. Many ... and I do mean MANY ... of us know what you're going through, and I must say -- you are handling this a whole lot better than I ever did. You're now on my hero list!

[liz]

Uncrossing everything just to get the circulation back. Now crossing them all again. Okay! Every available appendage still crossed!

[Scully]

Crap.

[Crystal]

I really hesitate to post, because if I'm wrong, I'm going to want to hang myself for giving you false hope, but....

Remember, beta's don't reliably double, and aren't expected to, until much later, once you're over 1600-2200 (depends on the RE). Early on it's a bit more haphazzard, and much slower.

The beta was a bit slow, but remember, implantation happens at different rates. In non-assisted pregnancies that can be from 6-10 dpo in a normal, healthy pregnancy, although m/c rates do rise as the dpo is further out, but there are still healthy pregnancies no matter when implantation occured. So obviously a later implantation means what would appear to be a "slow" hcg rise. Frankly, it's only that first beta that looks really bad, and we don't know if it was a mistake, perhaps high, or if you had a later implantation and those early betas were normal, or even if that's just the reason Shagro doesn't like to do early tests, because perhaps they're a bit funky if done too early and cause needless worry.

That said, yes, I understand ALL TOO WELL why you feel the way you do. I've done it through two healthy pregnancies. So you cope the way is best for you. This baby already has more horsepower pulling for it than a 40 mule team, more than an indy car even.

Now I'm going to go really weird and "alternative" on you.

You remember I did childbirth hypnosis, right? Ok, one thing we were told again and again is, what the mind believes, the mind creates. You may not remember that what I wanted more than anything was a homebirth with middle boy, but Dh was so freaked out by my wonderful inability to experience relief from an epidural that his answer was a flat out "no way in hell". I did NOT want to have my baby at the hospital of his HMO employer. Not at all.

So instead I was in labor all night and hadn't packed (by 37 weeks!) and had the baby in the car. When I told my hypnosis instructor the first thing she said was, "don't you realize what you did? You told me you'd have that baby at HMO over you're dead body.... Look what you did". Damn. No kidding.

Which cleared the way for having our last (sniff) "home-grown" baby at home.

Here's the real clincher for me with hypnosis. When I was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago, they were not happy. Basically, I'd had an unusual and suspicious pap 5 years before, same cells. Worse, I'd been symptomatic for nearly two years, and you don't have symptoms until a certain point of invasiveness, because of the anatomy of the thing. So basically, they were worried. Very worried. Trying to prepare me for it not to be early stage worried. Plus my CA-125 was significantly elevated.

I waited a bit over a month for surgical staging. I spent that time doing hypnosis, focusing on my immune system, and NK cells, which I euphemistically renamed "natural healing cells" (this didn't seem to be the time in my life to be throwing around the term "killer cells" with casual abandon). We know spontaneous remission happens, even when it shouldn't, theoretically can't. What we don't know is why, or how.

I wasn't sure what effect hypnosis would have, but it sure as hell couldn't hurt, and in fact, I found I dealt with the wait better than I had the first week or two, because it helped give me a feeling of power at a time when you feel very powerless. And if nothing else, we know the overall immune system, and from what I read, NK cells especially, are particularly susceptible to stress.

Whatever all that means other than I found remarkable peace at a time that left me feeling anything but peaceful, I don't know. The end result was though that against all odds, my cancer was stage 1A, no myometrial invasion. I can't say the hypnosis did it. It may be that the symptoms/lab results while being a classic presentation were totally unrelated. Who knows. Who cares. It helped with my mental health, and if it helped with my physical health, so much the better. Personally, I choose to believe it did, because that's part of how hypnosis works. You have to lay down the mental barriers, you have to risk making a fool of yourself, because you want "it" bad enough to allow your mind to control your reality, even though our society tells us this is weak, and bad.

One other interesting thing that happened, I wrote "scripts" for a few women on our gyn cancers list. One woman had DTC. I wrote her a script after she'd been stalled for a few weeks, with her hcg not dropping, and then finally, rising, both of which are not good news. A week after I sent her the script they did another draw, and it had dropped nearly in half from the prior draw, and has continued to drop. Slowly, but still going down.

I had another experience with another woman who wasn't responding to treatment, and I sent her a script, and she had significant tumor shrinkage.

Again, who knows what it means. It may be that hypnosis relieves stress which stops the immune system supression, but when I started this, the one thing that was interesting for me was the only research I could find on hypnosis and cancer was done on later-stage cancer patients. Those who recieved hypnosis had DOUBLED life expectancies.

Blah blah blah, and something about cancer.

Julia, if you feel like emotionally you can handle living in hope-land for a while, I'll write you a script. You have to do it as if you're life depends on it, once, better yet, twice, a day. Better yet, you do the relaxing, and Steve reads the script. You have to let go. You have to have faith. And the end result may be you lose this pregnancy anyway. I mean hell, you know the mechanism by which spontaneous remission occurs is understood, known. We sure as hell don't understand why or how or by what means you're experiencing pg losses with what is an unusually high statistical occurence. We don't know that hypnosis can or will make any difference, since this is not something you're body or mind is doing, it's cruel, awful biology.

However ideally, we "know" this little one is "normal". So maybe somewhere along the line there's some part of the process your body can help along. If not, ok, however the hypnosis can help with what is an awful, agonizing wait through insane ambiguity.

The upside, maybe the wait is bearable and this baby lives a long, healthy life. The downside, you spend time focusing on said scenario only to not have it occur. That's a significant downside.

The choice is yours. It's the only way I can help you. But the help is there if you want it. If you decide you can't, Julia, realistically, it's not likely to change the outcome either way. But it's a rather pleasant way to indulge in a "what if".

Just a long, wordy offer is all. My email address is in here, it's a new one. Email me if you're interested. Or if you want to tell me to go to hell. Either way.

[liz s]

Funny that Crystal wrote that whole post. I was thinking about you last night and was going to tell you a similar story.

After 3 M/C and four years of secondary infertility, I gave up on having my much wanted third child. I had an opportunity to certify in hypnobirthing for my job and thought. Hey, it sounds a bit weird but since the customers want it.......

I went to the training and decided to just see what would happen. I used visualization to "will" fertilization and implantation. Low and behold, 2 cycles after I certified I found myself pregnant. Every night for the first trimester I soaked in a warm bath and visualized blood flowing to the baby and growth happening. Suddenly I was past the first trimester and had two U/S with very good heart beats.

Now the clincher, I was diagnosed with a complete placenta previa at 18 weeks. I knew what that meant. Bed rest, bleeding, steroids, early deliver, etc. I decided that wasn't what would happen. Every night I took that soak in the tub and pictured my cervix staying tightly shut. Fast forward again and I made it to 38 weeks with no bleeding, no bed rest, NOTHING!!!!!!! I did have a Cesarean because I just didn't trust the odds of the placenta shifting off the cervix before delivery and the baby was more important than the birth.

The end result was a very healthy 6.5 lb baby boy who will be a year next week. My placenta detached immediatley and I had none of the probable complications of previa. I also was at Babies R Us 4 days post C-section and haven't sat still since.

So was it the hypnosis? Was it the mind telling the body? Was it just luck? Was it limiting activity, no lifting and pelvic rest (that was a hard one!)? I will never know.

Julia I agree with Crystal. Its hard when you have been through so much to even have hope. But picture those cells implanting in the perfect spot on your uterus. It can't hurt you and you never know what will happen.

I am sending all my luck your way.