Home Sweet

Hi! Ho! Here I am! {Jumping up and down and waving arms} We didn't go! See? Look at me, all safe and snug and grilling cheese in my kitchen.

Just so you know, though, we almost went because I am a candy-assed guilt-sucker. First there was Steve who stayed home from a trip last weekend because my pelvis was supposed to explode and yet... nothing happened (but I did get him to go with me to pick out fabrics for the new living room furniture.) So when Monday rolled around and I was all intact he decided I am the girl who cried Surgery! and now he is just so over the whole ectopic thing. Besides, he pointed out, we have a social obligation to discharge and (for reasons I cannot possibly mention on the internet) this weekend would have been the mostest excellentest time to go. So Steve was in favor of going.

Then I made the mistake of telling my mother that I didn't really want to go all that much anyway, which led her to dismiss my medical limbo (I prefer limo, actually- I am in limo) with a "Sure, if you don't want to go I guess that is a fine excuse." Then she talked emotionally about how much she was looking forward to seeing dear, sweet little Patrick again. So my mom was in favor of our going.

I wrung my hands and read your tales of horror and put packages of dried apricots into my purse for the plane ride and tried to get a hold of my brother.

After dinner I went into our room to pack and promptly fell asleep on the floor for an hour. I decided to take this as a sign that I should not be packing and concentrated on getting my brother on the damned phone. When I finally succeeded he said, "Jules, it just is not worth it. If there is even a 1% chance you could have a problem you should just stay home. I would love to see you but this is just a fun weekend. It isn't worth risking anything, no matter how small the risk. Just stay home."

So here we are. The lesson, by the way, is that one (1) brother saying what I want to hear trumps one (1) husband + one (1) mother saying something else.   

To clarify: these ultrasounds have been both transabdominal and transvaginal and the ultrasound at my OB's office is the ultra-fancy only-one-in-the-Cities 4-D kind. It is an excellent machine. Yesterday's hcg level was 3800, so something should have been visible in the sac if there was anything to be seen. My new bet: blighted ovum.

I am modestly proud of the composure with which I have handled our slew of pregnancy losses (ninth miscarriage in progress - for those of you whose notes have gotten over-scribbled at home.) I do not go sobbing messily about the place. I cope with other people's babies and pregnancies just fine, thank you. You will recall that I flew to DC to help my sister-in-law with nary a mention of my concurrent pregnancy that failed? You will note that I helped with IVF-sprouted twin girls last week without a tremor? Yes? Right? Our grief, such as it is, does not interrupt the current of our days and I like it that way. Sometimes it is harder to achieve this sang froid than others, but on those days I just work at it more.

It turns out, though, that my pride in How Well We Handle Disappointment is also my Achilles heel. It has been a LONG LONG time since the stupidity or insensitivity of others has caused me a moment's pause. I am more like one of those gentle saints than anything human when I smile beatifically at some yapnats who asks if we did PGD because we only want a girl (my OB's lab tech, thank you) or when a neighbor talks about how very very glad they are that their children are less than two years apart. "No, we just want a healthy child," I respond mildly or "Oh yes! How lovely that they are so close." No problemo. Duck's back.

Today, however, my mom repeated that my brother thought we "have been doing this too long" and that "it has taken over our lives." My smile tightened until it almost cracked my face in half. And then the morning mail brought a condolence letter from my mother-in-law in which the word "acceptance" figured prominently.

Excuse me for a moment while I get a little shrill: WHAT THE FUCK?? Are they insane?? I am the goddamned Poster Muse for graceful acceptance. It is my Thing! I am perfectly aware of the fact that whatever we are doing it does not seem to be working. I get that we probably will not have another child. But I am a mere girlish 33. It seems a little early to throw in the towel just yet. Besides, we have an embryo, right this second, in the Frigidaire. That is at least one more try right there. And the Generals are due, man! THE GENERALS ARE DUE!!

Maybe if I was miserable, if we were miserable, I could understand the familial concern. If I never took their phone calls because I was under the bed drinking whipping cream from the carton and smoking, I could understand the desire to say "enough is enough." But we are fine. F-iiiiiii-iiiiiiii-nnn-e. What's the point of being all sweet and noble and stiff-upper-lip-y if no one notices? If I had realized that our nearest and dearest were about to issue Last Call I would have spent the past three pregnancies telephoning everyone at four in the morning, incoherent with Grief. I would have canceled all of the Miscarrying Holidays I hostessed. I would have refused to have anything to do with my two youngest nephews because "ours would have been... just... about... his... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggeeee-guh-guh-guh." 

Feh.

Besides NO ONE is going to tell me when *I* am ready to stop trying. Got it? NO ONE. Personne.

Thank you for all of your concern and good advice yesterday. It helped, and I am glad we did not travel. I am so sorry, though, to read about the horrible experiences so many of you had. They all sounded terrible. I am glad you are okay. 

Comments

[Jeanine]

You are awesome and an inspiration.

[Mete]

Good for you. And for the record, you are VERY YOUNG (as I am your age and firmly believe that, anyway).

Every day I hope and pray that I didn't inherit the Guilt Gene from my mother. But MAN. It sounds like they ALL have it, don't they?

[sally]

MMMMM....grilled cheese.
I'm sure I type for all internetia everywhere when I type that WE NOTICE you're fine. I can't wait for your next endeavor matter of fact, so let's get it going over there. Put that embryo on the counter and let it thaw! So... here's what you could be:
My neighbor. She is the definition of NOT fine. She refuses to speak to me or come out into her yard because she's not fine that I'm pregnant and she's not. Me who's had 8 m/c in a row, and she who's had 1. She referred to finding out we were pregnant as "the horrible news"...wha??? She said this to my face yet. You could be that.

So press on and as I've said before, no one will understand this who hasn't been through it. Even those that love you most. Do it for you and keep doing it till you're done.

[Kay]

You go girl. For as long as YOU want to. To hell with the rest of 'em.

I admire you.

[Rachel]

Good for you.

Rachel aka Evil Sarah from the past (The one who told you to not grieve for your miscarriage, you already had one child) DOH!

[sara g]

You tell 'em, Julia. Don't stop trying until YOU are ready to stop trying. Screw 'em. They don't have to live with your decision, YOU do, so you do what is best for you and don't apologize for it.

[Lisa V]

6 miscarriages, I did the whole brave thing with everyone but my husband and best friend. Except that one time where I was the whitering crying mess in front of 20 women in the break room. Ew.

Anyway, I used to say "If this is the worse thing that ever happens to us, we can handle it." People would tell us we were brave and strong and yada yada. I hated being pitied, so I kept up with it. But after awhile they all treated me like I had the big M on my forehead anyway.

We adopted, all new assvice came with it. I had surgery. It worked. I gave birth twice. Everyone now says "See I told you you just had to relax."
Assholes.

I believe you still have hope, and the only one that gets to say enough is enough is you. And maybe Steve, but mostly you. Luck and peace.

[J]

Wow, you should have your mom, brother and MIL drop by my place if they want to see someone who isn't dealing with infertility well. I've been pretty much in a cave for the past few years, and have not been able to attend baby events for at least a year and a half. Of course, I don't answer my phone or open the door, so they wouldn't be able to experience my hermity world first-hand.

I think you've been amazingly stoic. And at 33, why the hell should you stop unless you want to do so???

[Jen (yup, another one)]

Holy shit, you're BETTER than fine. You amaze me on a continuous basis and your family should just go jump in a lake!!

[ManhattanAnne]

Your brother sounds v. cool. Always calls you Jules. Very brothery in a chic-litish sort of way. Have small fraternal crush.

Ahem. And I think that tu as raison and that if you want to keep trying you absolutely should. I had several friends (but not my baby-desperate parents) start suggesting that I should really stop and "just adopt" beginning with my SECOND. Miscarriage. (Some bizarre "fool me once" reasoning?)

Anyway. You want to keep trying. You're only 33. And you have a trump card in any argument on the topic: Patrick. Hugs.

[Denise]

Julia,

Reading this I am crying for you, of course I am occasionally the over sensative type, more so since my miscarriages. I can't believe they are telling you to give up, they have broken my heart for you.

You, and your readers, are the one who gave me courage after my miscarriage. That is how I found your website back in March, I was trying to make sense of the senseless and I just didn't want to let go. Then I made the amature mistake of having sex after the 6 week period of my d&c but before I bled... and there I was pregnant and knowing I was going to miscarry. The first one was hideous because for 11 weeks I dreamed of the perfect baby. The second one was a complete mind fuck. But reading your site and the comments posted here helped me to cope and helped me to move on. You helped me to not be one of those people who hated all pregnant women and thier infant offsprings. For a while I had troubles facing them, but with your help, it's ok. My due date for my first miscarriage just passed, and I survived and I laughed and smiled and I'm ok. But I'm ok, because of your strength and wisdom. I now understand it's ok to be sad and for the hurt to come and be there, but it's ok to let go and it's good to be ok. I know you probably don't want to here it, but you are a true inspiration and you have a gift for writing. Seriously, you should look into being free-lance journalist.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm not ready to give up hope yet. I know it's futile, but it's me. I also wanted to say I hope you never give up trying. Another child is your dream and a person should never give up on their dreams. And if your mother says anything again... I'd say to her.. respectfully of course because she is your mother... but I tell her she is the person who helped to make you who you are today and she is the one who told you to never give up on your dreams and a child is your dream and your hurt that she would be the one to tell you to give up on it. Then I'd let her know, that like she told you all those years ago, you'll never give up on your dream of having another child and you want her not only to respect it but to be behind you with it.

I wish you the best and I continue to pray for the best and never, ever give up. I believe in you, and you are the one who made me believe in me.

[April]

Julia,

We should all be so lucky to have just a fraction - just a *smidge* of the strength you have.

Hold onto your dreams. Accept only that you are worthy... that you deserve to continue pursuing what would bring happiness into your life.

[Toni]

You continue to be my favorite amazing woman. While I'm glad that you didn't travel, I'm not so glad that your family members are saying stuff like that. I know people...we could take care of them if you want :)

My mother doesn't do the "your brother says" thing any more because every time she does, I stop her and say "What he says to you about me is not for you to repeat. If he wants to tell me something, he'll tell me."

I'm sorry about all the trouble - I understand the stoic. It was my preferred face, as well.

Susan, mom to two adopted kids

[Alexa]

Yes, WE notice! How can we not? Although as one who has done a lot of whipping cream drinking I must warn you not to underestimate the healing powers of dairy fat.

[T]

I am delurking to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for your attitude about what you are and have gone through. It makes me want to suck it up and be strong too.

I have a bt. When I had as much as I personally could handle with IF and mc I turned to De and was lucky to have my son. I just had a FET cycle where we put back 3 of 4 remaining frozen embies. The 4th was refrozen. I go tomorrow for second beta to confirm that I had a chemical. My first beta was 15. The hpt's stopped coming up positive today.

I have been trying to be ok. To be happy for what I have. Tonight I fell into a little self pity. Mostly I feel like a fool for getting my hopes up. I know I am lucky it is just a chemical. This will not require the all too familiar D&C or what you are having to go through.Your candor and attitude have humbled me. It has made me stop feeling so sorry for myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope that you can get some answers soon.

I too am 33. I will not be giving up any time soon either. Tonight my husband said we have a good 7 years left to get pregnant. I say who says I have to stop when I am 40 years young?

[elisabeth]

You know whenever tells me that I can't do something I am absolutely bound and determined to prove them wrong. It's a redheaded thing.

I won't defend your families assholery, but I will say that it is tough to know what to do or say when you don't respond in a way we'd expect. I can pat your back, pour your drink or bring you a hotdish while you are sobbing on the floor eating cake. But when you are FINE it throws people (is my guess) and maybe they are concerned that you aren't really fine but are putting on a good face.

Although in typing this I guess I just answered my own question. I can still make you a hotdish and pour you a drink. Do you prefer tator tot or wild rice with your cream of mushroom soup?

(((hugs)))

[Dooneybug]

Julia...you are a beacon on a dark and gloomy night. I'm sorry your family doesn't see it that way. You're bound to have days when you get down, but you seem awfully strong. You're right, 33 is no time to throw in the towel (if you're not willing). You've got a good long while to keep trying. Thank you for sharing all your stories because you give strength to many who are struggling to find theirs.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Julia--I am speechless at your strength, humor, and your very prominent stiff upper lip. Don't let the bastards get you down.

[Karen]

Good Lord, if youre relatives don't realize you've got the graceful acceptance thing down pat, they should come stay with me for a while. Then they'll realize what a treasurue they have in you.

[Emily]

I for one am am quite in awe of how well you're doing, in awe indeed.

You go girl.

[like's 'em uppity]

You sound like a strong woman. (I am qualified to make this assessment, as I married a strong woman).

Good on you.

I am reading, and sending good vibes your way.

Signed,

D, the City Guy, AKA the Minneapolis MACK

[Crystal]

Ok, if that hit me like a ton of bricks, I can't imagine.....

Damn. No more wiggle room....

Why.

BTW, I hope my advice to you wasn't percieved as give up advice. I don't think there's any set time to give up, as evinced by my refusal to let go while you came to terms with this little one not being likely to result in a bundle of long-overdue joy. Rather.... I just hate for your options to be taken away. Losing options sux, as I know all too well right now.... I just hoped maybe I could share how we found new options that previously didn't exist for one complex psychosocial reason or another....

I just care enough to wish I had a magic wand to fix it for you.... I can't, so instead I offer silly, clumsy advice.

I'm sorry. I'm damn sorry.... how blah. I hate feeling powerless, between you and NOLA.... Powerless seems to be the order of the day.

I'm sorry.

[JK]

You know that I have been one of your faithful admirers since iParenting days.... You are still absolutely amazing. I'm hoping you get a Miracle or miracle soon.

JK

[Claudia]

Yeah, it's another of infertility's Totally Wonderful Aspects that people assume they know what's best for you and have the right to question your motives. You are a strong, strong person, and no one but you and your hubby can decide what's enough. Tell 'em to mind their own business, thank you very much.

[Denise]

Oh my God. I thought missed miscarriages were bad, but you are being put through the wringer here. You're right; 33 is a spring chicken and if you are brave enough to try again, more power to you. Personally, I threw in the towel after two, but I'm a big wuss. I can't tell you how much I admire your strength.

I've always thought a miscarriage would be a piece of cake if you didn't have to undergo it while you were PREGNANT and hormonal.

Sending good thoughts your way.

[Annie]

Hey Julia,

Thanks so much for not going! I am so glad that you decided to stay home and grill cheese and whatever else needs grilling.

And you are right on so many accounts - you ARE young, and you are the queen of acceptance and you get to decide what's what and when is when. Powerful and beautifully written stuff. Be safe and careful.

[Bec]

What you have to do is put your hands FIRMLY over your ears whilst saying VERY loudly nah nah na nah nah I can't hear you.

[Heather]

Yes, you are young. You're a year younger than I am, so you're a baby still. And I totally agree on changing your course of action (I prefer this to "giving up") when you are ready to. No one can tell you what to do, and we have to live with no regrets. I may not be doing ART right now, but trust me, we're still trying.

[Jessica]

Give up?? With a lovely, chilly, frozenly-perfect embryo in the frigidaire? The nerve of some people. Sheesh.

[Jill]

You're amazing. I'm sorry they don't see that.

Now let's get this ... whatever it is, resolved and move on.

[martina]

Good for you for having such a determined, strong, not-taking-family-crap stance on your life! WE back you up sister!!

[jax]

Relieved that you stayed put and Brother's thoughts were sound on that front. Couldn't agree with you more re. doing your own thing - to hell with the lot of them!

[lizardek]

33? You're a mere babe. And brilliant. And my hero. "the girl who cried Surgery" was BRILLIANT. You are also brilliant. Did I mention that already? It can never be said often enough :) Yay for duck's backs!

[Kath]

Julia, first off, I want to join in the chorus that is singing your praises. I am seriously impressed with your mettle. You seem to have found a way to stay unwarped, which is quite the feat. (And this is coming from a mere double miscarrier... a beginner! an amateur! a pitiful dabbler in the genre!)

And you are drinks-out-the-nose funny, which I appreciate even if, thanks to you, my keyboard is in constant danger of shorting out.

And I like your brother (in the live, not the hearsay version).

This crap seems hard for our families to take, no matter how we approach it. After a while, they just want it to END. To which I say: Me too. But on my terms, buddy. Meanwhile, talk amongst yourselves.

Good luck with this... with everything. In some warehouse somewhere, there must be a forgotten stockpile of luck that has your delivery address on it. May they find it soon.

[pk]

I'm glad you didn't go. Maybe your mother is just being thoughtless and unkind because she's disappointed the family reunion isn't going ahead as planned? Anyway, be sure to do some nice selfish YOU activities.

[Beckik]

you amaze me too! I"m very glad that you didn't go. very sorry about the blighted ovum.

[Laura K.]

I have to say that, back in the day (as in when I was 23 and not yet married and of course knew EVERYTHING), I used to think the same thing about C's aunt who had multiple miscarriages - although I would have never actually SAID it to her. And let me say that I am STILL kicking myself over thinking that, because her efforts produced her lovely third child and I know they can't imagine their lives without her. AND because I've since suffered miscarriages myself and know of people like you (and my grad school friend) who have had countless miscarriages, and I understand the need to keep trying. I understand the way a person can keep trying through all of that. It's amazing, really.

And I also have to say that you are MOST DEFINITELY one of (if not THE) the most composed people when it comes to this. That's even more amazing.

Laura

[Holly]

Sometimes family sucks. They just don't understand. Without going into great detail and making this about me, my own family has no idea that we've lost 5 before 10 weeks and 1 at nearly 20. They think I am unreasonable for having ANY sadness over the one that I heard her heartbeat and felt her move for weeks before I didn't feel her moving anymore.... And they don't hesitate to say that I was unreasonably sad. Nevermind I was spewing milk from my breasts for 6 months afterward and was officially diagnosed with PPD. I think my sadness had a lot more to do with the post partum than the loss. Sure, I miss that baby's presence in our lives. But we have it pretty good with what we have. Like I said, I didn't want to make this all about me. Sorry I did. I really just wanted to say I'm sorry your family is acting like this and I pray you maintain your attitude. Because, Julia, you are an inspiration.

Many Blessings to you and your family.

[GiBee]

I'm relieved you stayed home. You just never know.

And yes, you are a strong woman, and because of that, only you know your limitations. You will know when it's time to say "enough is enough" ...

Just an afterthought here... do you think that maybe, the miscarriages have been harder for your family to process than you? Maybe because they hurt when they see you going through this, or maybe because they are mourning the loss of their grandchild, etc. I don't know... it was just a crazy thought.

Continue in your strength!

[chris]

What next, an intervention? I say stop when you're ready to stop. People. They really are the worst.

[Brad]

...IVF...PGD...insensitive relatives... yadda, yadda, yadda. Can I just change the subject here and give you a little boost of confidence and ego by telling you that your Flourless Chocolate & Vanilla Cake recipe is the freakin' bomb! I know it's not *your* recipe, but thanks for the stiff upper lip and making sure WE can attempt to be as fine a host/hostess as you. Make sure you serve it to Patrick's brother or sister on his or her first birthday. "Acceptance" Sheesh! Losers, every one of them.

[Allie]

So glad you stayed home with your yummy grilled cheese. Sounds better than dried apricots any day.

I hear you about the stupid comments. Someone actually had the nerve to tell me that he didn't "believe" in IVF (religious idiot). My boss told me I should just be OK with being childless because I could travel and retire with more money in the bank. I wish people could just shut their mouths and keep their opinions to themselves. F them all, I say.

[SheilaC]

Hooray and 10,000 points for your brother! So glad he is concerned for your health and well-being. I'm glad you stayed home, though I didn't presume to offer advice yesterday.

Sorry for the mis-placed sympathy and "suggestions" from your mom and MIL. That is especially galling when you kind of expect unconditional love and support from your nearest and dearest, no matter what. At least I do! It doesn't hurt that much from strangers (WTF with the OB technician???!) but it does hurt a lot coming from family. I guess it's hard for them to see you undergo m/c number 9, and they want to protect you from more pain, but HEY! That's not the way to support you!
Ugh!

You are so right, this is YOUR and DH's decision, and nobody else should second-guess. And 33 is very young!

My deepest sympathies on your loss. Keeping you in my prayers, that one day all your hopes and dreams will come true.

[victoria]

Maybe your family is so used to having you be all graceful & strong & whatnot that they have no patience when your needs even slightly disrupt their expectations?

Maybe if you were the type who pitched a tantrum once in a while they would back off?

Or maybe not. I don't know any of you & probably shouldn't opine in your comments section. Forgive me if this was out of line.

[Libby]

Oh, but WE notice Jules, we do.

I admire your strength. Take care.

[e]

Families can be so insensitive sometimes. It's the familiarity I think. You just think that because you could say 'you're pooey and you smell' at the age of five to your little sister, make them cry, and have them laughing again within the minute, that you can do with adult situations.

I would say: "Like it has *anything* to do with them?"

PS: it sounds like your mum is doing the stirring. Even if your brother did say that (typical insensitive bro), she had no need to repeat it. She told you because she thought you needed told. What is in it for her? Is she worried about you? Or does she think that this is your golden opportunity, gnashing with disappointed rage, to start your candidature for the Presidentials? Or does she just like to shove her oar in?

[Jessica]

With every pregnancy, I hope with all that I can muster for you that you have a healthy child. I will continue to hope and be optimistic until you have your baby. You are amazing.

[Lori]

They are just worried about you -- perhaps not as tactful as they could have been -- and without any hints (as far as I can tell) from YOU that your emotional and physical resilence is wearing thin. So hard to deal with not getting support from those closest to you.
You are far more resilent and upbeat than I could have been in this situation, and I hope that you get what you want, and of course it's your and Steve's decision on when you should (using their words) "just accept it." (and how do you even do that, by the way?)
And you are young! I'm 39 and pregnant with kid # 2.
Best of luck

[GiBee]

I know I already posted, but I'd just like to say that while we are all quick to criticize the mom and brother, we need to remember that there is love and good intentions involved... Not everyone uses "common sense" before speaking, but it doesn't mean that they don't love the person they are speaking too. I'm certain that Julia's mother and brother both love her deeply and didn't mean to hurt her or step over the line...

I guess you could call this a "look ... the glass is half full, not empty" comment.