T-7 Days

My mother has been visiting for a few days. Consequently, all of the toilet paper in the house now unrolls the wrong way. By which I mean it unrolls from the back of the roll rather than the front, leading to wrist strain and paper wastage. And don't try to tell me that this is the correct way to put toilet paper in the holder, because it isn't. And don't try to pacify me by suggesting that perhaps it is a matter of personal taste, because it isn't that either. And, for the love of all that is holy, do not point out that some developing nations have no toilet paper at all, because someone once did that to me in the middle of a very funny story about the dubious quality of the personal cleansing materials available at my inlaws' and it killed the joke. Killed it dead.

What is weird about the toilet paper situation, chez moi, is not that my mother does not know how toilet tissue is properly installed (I love the woman and I am grateful on a daily basis for her existence but she is not infallible) but that she had occasion to change every single roll in the house. Did she purposefully remove partially finished rolls and switch them around? Did she just happen to be the last person with a dying roll in every bathroom in the course of three short days? Both scenarios seem so unlikely. And I will never know the answer because, of course, the Code of the Hostess prevents me from inquiring into the personal habits of my guests, no matter how closely related. It will remain a mystery, just like the head of William Wirt and that bookstore owner.

Patrick somehow, miraculously, started sleeping in his bed at night. A week ago he said he wanted to sleep in there and I said, ok, but he would have to stay in his room until we came to get him in the morning and he said, ok. And that was it. The child who has never in his entire three years slept with any part of his body touching a blanket and who rotated in his crib like the hands of clock now sleeps like a normal person. You know, small head on pillow, sleekit body under quilt, arms wrapped around Bear, face angelic in repose, all. night. long. It is incredible. Actually, it IS incredible, so I have started sleeping with the baby monitor under my pillow, just in case he tries to make a break for it in the night (although we have one of those door knob things on his side of the door to prevent this; I think there is some internet-witch-hunt reason why we are not supposed to do this but I am not sure what it is and besides, Patrick calls it "that thing on the door that keeps me from leaving my room when I should be sleeping" so I doubt it is causing any psychological trauma, if that is the worry.) With the baby monitor in place I now get the benefit of Patrick in glorious Dolby mono a few feathers away from my ear drum, bright and early each morning. If it keeps up I think the continued shock might be the end of me. Seriously, if you are wondering why I look so haggard and pale I attribute it entirely to waking abruptly to Patrick's loud and tuneless (the child cannot sing. at all. very sad) rendition of "Five Elephants something-something On A Spider's Web" three days in a row.

So Patrick is kinda out of the crib. And he's only three! And a Quarter! He did ask to take a nap in his bed after sleeping in it all night but that wound up being more like a frat party than anything I have seen since my school days (minus the beer and plus a whole lot of magnet letters) so I put my wide foot down and for now he is continuing to take naps in his crib. Because when he does not take a nap he is a complete pain in the ass by 4:00 and that, my friends, makes ME a complete pain by 4:01.

So on my parental checklist of Things Child SHOULD DEFINITELY Be Doing By Three*:

*checklist composed entirely from my own neuroses

Sleeps in bed - Check! Except for naps

Dresses self - Ha. No. Ha Ha HA. Patrick has never uttered the words "I want to do it!" in his life, unless he is talking about typing on my computer. Our petit Louis XIV will actually follow me around after washing his hands (after having ME wash his hands), dripping paws flapping uselessly in front of him, plaintively saying, "Dry these for me!" rather than pat his own hands off on a towel. Or even his pants. True.

Potty trained - Um, mostly. Except he uses a diaper for naps and bedtime. And he will only pee in the potty, if you follow my meaning. But he hasn't had any accidents at school since that first week. Of course, he had about 12 while my mother was here.

Feeds self - Of course! Although he refuses to drink from anything other than a sippy cup. And he dislikes silverware, preferring to eat everything but yogurt with his fingers. So, yes, but with a touch of Helen Keller before that nice Annie Sullivan slapped her hand at the dinner table.

As for swimming lessons, Patrick climbed out of the pool on Wednesday and actually pumped his arms in the air and said, "Yeah! Wooo-HOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I wrapped him in a towel and laughed and said, "What are you so excited about?"

And he said, "I jumped in the pool, Mommy, and my face got wet and I was great!"

So I pushed my luck and asked, "Wasn't it fun?"

"No."

I think Patrick is a bit of a pill, frankly. Also, we will continue swimming lessons until the Holidays and then probably pick them up in the Spring. And so on. Off and on. Until he clinches that Rhodes.

++++

On yet another unrelated topic I took my temperature today to determine where I am in this post-miscarriage cycle. Something you might not know or have forgotten or do not care about is this: Steve and I tried for 14 months before we conceived the first time. I know! Crazy, isn't it, when you consider how many times I have gotten pregnant since then (10, pay attention.) But in the beginning we tried for over a year with no luck at all, so I started charting like a good TTC'er and I have continued to do so on and off for the past six years. This is how I know that before I ovulate, regardless of the time of day, my body temperature is usually in the 97 F range and after I ovulate it is around 98. Not foolproof, of course, but it sort of gives me an idea of what is going on. Do you want to know what my temperature was at 1 o'clock this afternoon? 95.7. I tried two different thermometers with the same result. I just took it again as I was typing this and it has crept up to 96.1. I practically have hypothermia in my own goddamned kitchen. No wonder my hands and feet are always so cold. But my question is: is this normal? I need to go see my internist about my chronically inflamed and pulpy right tonsil anyway, but should I tell him that I think I might be slowly freezing to death? Or will I look stupid? I HATE going to the doctor with meaningless symptoms.   

Comments

[Sheridan]

"No."

That made my day. Patrick is hysterically funny.

I'm surprised that not everyone slowly freezes to death in Minnesota, or is it a bit early for that just yet?

[bec (and Charlotte)]

You are only supposed to take your temp once a day immediatly after waking and before you open your mouth. Otherwise it will vary. I know this I was the testing Queen. I have to point out that this aforementioned knowledge never prevented me from testing my temp 20 times a day. *sigh* I was very sad.

[Jenniper]

Aww, Patrick. What a cutie. I admire his frankness.

[terri c]

I think that you are freezing to death in an anticipatory manner. Rather than waiting until the bleakness of January. Alternately, you might have a sinus infection? The only time my temp was that low indoors I had a raging sinus infection. And my college health service refused to let me see the actual doctor because "you aren't running a fever!" Patrick sounds as wonderful as always.

[persephone]

Whenever I take my temperature in the hopes that someone will take pity on me because see, I'm really sick this time, I'm thwarted by the fact that my temperature is 97. You know what I've concluded? Having a low temperature feels just as lousy as a high one.

[KatBT]

Julia,
I adore your stories about Patrick... and by the way I think it's fairly normal when they only want to PEE in the potty. My toddler is still a fan of hiding in the closet in the dark while she does her daily constitutional. Gee, I hope it's normal.

BTW, I'm a big fan of the charting. My guess is since you've obviously had some success with it you're temping correctly, first thing in the morning, before you do or drink anything. If that's the case and your temps really are that low... you MIGHT want to ask your GP to order you a thyroid test. Toni Weschler, temping guru and TCOYF author extraordinaire, is always saying that consistently low basal temps (i.,e. below your average and esp below 97) can mean an underactive thyroid. Something to consider.

Good luck getting on with the next cycle. I'm sorry PGD wasn't the solution for you. I truly hope the au natural route works for you this next time.

~kat

[thalia]

Patrick may be a pill (it's ok I know you don't mean that) but the way you write about him is pure comedy. I'm so glad he is so insistent on the lack of swimming enjoyment. Wonder how he will feel if you stop the lessons for a while?

[e]

With temps that low, consider thyroid issues (which affect fertility as well as they interefere with progesterone production in some way)

[Jen (yup, another one)]

I agree that a thyroid test is worthwhile but I will offer an anecdote to say it may be fine: my temps have always been lower than yours (by about half a degree it sounds) but after my miscarriage/molar pregnancy mess, they were even lower (yes, 95s and all) but all tests came back fine. I did indeed get pregnant with temps like those and so far all seems well.

[Lisa]

Your comment about your petit Louis XIV had me rolling. I love your stories about Patrick, he sounds like such an awesome kid.

[Lisa V]

My son is basically the same age as Patrick. He was three in April. He dresses himself, even picks out his own clothes. My three older daughters never did this. He is potty trained on the same level as Patrick. He refuses to take naps. Now cocktail hour begins at 4:00 here. He sleeps in his own bed. He feeds himself and sometimes uses utensils, and sometimes feeds it to the dog from said utensils, then takes his turn. Yech. He mostly speaks Japanese. We live in Idaho. We know no one else who speaks Japanese. So we are forced to guess at his attempts at communication. See everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Have Patrick come and tell us what the kid is saying.

[Lala]

Thirding the thyroid testing!

[qp]

In defense of the toilet paper dispensing from the back of the roll method, sometimes it is the only way to prevent waking up to find all of the paper unrolled, clawed, and batted into a festive, fluffy nest upon which your cat is happily roosting. So that's a consideration. For some people. Probably not your mother, though. So that's just weird.

[AnitaAnita]

I'm voting that you ought to have your thyroid checked out, too. the low temp could be a sign of hypothyroidism, which I see has been suggested several times before, but I wanted to add it too so that I could feel like I was contributing something and show off some of my knowledge about TTC and temp charting. ((breath))

Don't wait on this one b/c thyroid problems can affect pg badly.

And OF COURSE to toilet paper rolls off the front! Glad to have some indisputable evidence to show to my darling husband.

[Molly]

I was totally going to say the same thing as qp -- I've always been an over-the-roll girl, to the point of arguments with others. Then cats came along -- cats that like to grab one end of the asswipe in their little fangs and run across the living room. We are now under-the-rollers, but only because that slightly baffles the little buggers. Sadly, though, not foolproof.

[Lori]

When I find toilet paper that rolls the "wrong" way (from the back), I find myself turning it around even if it isn't my house. I never do it at friends houses, but if we are realated in any way I do it. I can't help myself.

[J]

Your way IS the right way to put the toilet paper. The other way is clearly wrong. I actually saw a program where a physicist explained the physics of it with torque and leverage and whatnot. That is the only correct way. Done.

[Chookooloonks]

Thank God I'm not alone with the toilet paper thing. That makes me crazy!

And sippy cup? I WISH Alex would drink from her sippy cup -- her milk, anyway. She'll drink any liquid from any receptacle, but her milk? MUST. BE. FROM. A. BOTTLE. We're trying to ween her of it now (at 19 months) and it is pure torture.

[Blue]

I once took my temperature becuase I was sick and thought I might have a fever. It was 94.9F. Ridiculously low. Of course, I do have chronicly low Thyroid, so...

[Andrea]

I am glad I do not have the only 3 1/4 year old who still requires a diaper or Pull-up at night. And if you have the petit Louis XIV, I have the petite Marie Antoinette, who is perfectly capable of dressing herself, wiping her own butt, and feeding herself, but 95% of the time demands assistance with all three. I believe it is just to make sure she has my full and complete attention at all times, however.

[Monica C.]

Girl, you crack me up:

"So, yes, but with a touch of Helen Keller before that nice Annie Sullivan slapped her hand at the dinner table."

p.s. - Sierra (dob 6/19/02) just started drinking from a regular cup a few months ago - I thought she was the only one!

[jen]

Ok, your mother is clearly WRONG, but what I want to know is, if you grew up with a mother who put t.p. on the roll wrong, how did you ever learn to do it correctly?

[Ruggybabs]

I think there must be something wrong with me. I just pop the TP on the roll however it lands with complete disregard for proper TP protocol.

Perhaps this is why my cousin hasn't spoken to me in years??

Also, Patrick is an absolute trip :)

[RachelH]

Don't feel bad; I just NOW drew the line with Jack and the sippies, and the kid (much to my shame) is four. Meanwhile, his 16-month-old brother already drinks from a cup and rarely spills (I do hold it for him, though). Jack will wash his own hands, but will then come dripping up to me and ask me to dry them (lately the answer is NO and a paper towel thrown at him because I am busy with the other two). Honestly I think his helplessness has more to do with wanting attention than anything else, but sometimes I do wonder about the boy. Mine, not yours. For the record, also, he didn't stop wearing Pull-ups to bed and for naps until he was three and a HALF.
Regarding the temp, my husband usually runs around 96 and when I discovered this I made him go straight to the doctor (my dad has thyroid problems, so I was paranoid) and there was nothing wrong with him. Except, apparently, that he is cold-blooded.
And the toilet paper thing. Steve and I almost ended up in marriage counseling over this one time, because he will quite deliberately replace the roll with it THE WRONG WAY (you know which way that is) if I fail in my housewifely duties and do not replace it for him. He knows this bothers me to no end and I know it is a small thing, but it is the passive aggression behind the act, the sheer "fuck you for not being my mother-itude" that "makes me boil," as Jack says.
Love the Robert Burns adjective--today any of those I would use to refer to my three (who are ALL SICK) would come more from "To a Louse." FYI--the only more annoying than a sick four-year-old is a sick four-year-old high on codeine cough syrup.

[RachelH]

Don't feel bad; I just NOW drew the line with Jack and the sippies, and the kid (much to my shame) is four. Meanwhile, his 16-month-old brother already drinks from a cup and rarely spills (I do hold it for him, though). Jack will wash his own hands, but will then come dripping up to me and ask me to dry them (lately the answer is NO and a paper towel thrown at him because I am busy with the other two). Honestly I think his helplessness has more to do with wanting attention than anything else, but sometimes I do wonder about the boy. Mine, not yours. For the record, also, he didn't stop wearing Pull-ups to bed and for naps until he was three and a HALF.
Regarding the temp, my husband usually runs around 96 and when I discovered this I made him go straight to the doctor (my dad has thyroid problems, so I was paranoid) and there was nothing wrong with him. Except, apparently, that he is cold-blooded.
And the toilet paper thing. Steve and I almost ended up in marriage counseling over this one time, because he will quite deliberately replace the roll with it THE WRONG WAY (you know which way that is) if I fail in my housewifely duties and do not replace it for him. He knows this bothers me to no end and I know it is a small thing, but it is the passive aggression behind the act, the sheer "fuck you for not being my mother-itude" that "makes me boil," as Jack says.
Love the Robert Burns adjective--today any of those I would use to refer to my three (who are ALL SICK) would come more from "To a Louse." FYI--the only thing more annoying than a sick four-year-old is a sick four-year-old high on codeine cough syrup.

[RachelH]

Oops. Sorry.

[Linda]

Toilet paper is made to go around the back. Over the front is all awkward feeling.

[Mandy]

Thank you Linda for your words of wisdom. Over the front requires you to go scratching at the roll trying to find the first piece; when it hangs from the back the first piece is right there for you as God intended. However, I have slowly been trying to loosen my controlling nature and now I force myself to hang the roll without bothering to do it *correctly*. Hardest thing I've ever done.

[ManhattanAnne]

Add me to the check thyroid chorus...

[Scully]

Seriously, I think your mother went around and switched out all the tp rolls.

This is the second blog today I've commented on tp.

Spooky.

[victoria]

Well, you DID ask for assvice, so don't blame me:

I used to have a chronically low temperature, cold hands & feet, & it turned out to be hypothyroidism. (I also had weight gain, depression, & thinning hair with the texture of straw, but the cold extremities was the most notable thing.)

You almost certainly do not have hypothyroidism. Thyroid problems can interfere with fertility & I would think you've already been tested & cleared, unless you developed it in the last few weeks or something.

[julia]

You are so damned funny, and I am so damned unimaginative that I can never think of a good way to say it, as often as I do!

I love the Helen Keller reference ... when my son was about 12 mo. my husband sent me to the floor laughing when he scooped him up during a particularly grabby moment at the table and groused, "Easy, Helen."

Okay, argh, am I really going to mark myself as the most annoying of casual advice-givers? But I am, because it's a bit scary ...

The back-o'-the-mind reason (as in, hopefully one doesn't have to think of it very often, so it gets all hazy) it isn't a great idea to make it hard for a young child to get out of his room is fire safety. If God forbid there were a house fire, and you were [gulp] unable to get to him (like, the hallway were engulfed in flames), he should be able to have some chance of getting himself out the door and out of the house (I know, a toddler would probably get out of the room and head right for you no matter what, but it's the theory).

I'm not implying bad things about you or yours, at all, please don't think so ... I just thought that it was an alarming enough reason that I would pass it on.

[Karen C.]

You are so incredibly right. Toilet paper goes over the top of the roll. .

[Candy]

OK I didn't read the 31 comments before me, because, frankly, I don't have that kinda time. But I will say that my normal temperature is 97.3. Every day. Right now. If I'm feverish I MIGHT break 98.6, which will really throw the doc for a loop.

So you're probably fine. I say probably because I don't know you that well.

[Ami]

I'm so glad the over-the-top toilet paper people are the majority so far. My mother is the same as yours, I just make sure I retaliate every time I'm visiting her.

[Mindymax]

My mom used to do the same thing - EVERY roll of TP in the house was switched to roll from the back. Every time I'd notice it, I'd fix it to the front. Made me nuts when she would visit. I finally said 'Mom, what's with the TP? Why do you keep switching it to the back'? She said 'that's the way it goes'. I said 'in your house, that's how it goes. But here, in MY house, it rolls from the front. That's the way Jim [my husband] likes it and I really don't want to have to keep running around changing it back all day long'. She never did it again. She died 5 years ago and everytime I see TP rolling from the back, I think of her. Odd memory, but a fond one.

Patrick is a sweetie! I enjoy the stories.

[JustLinda]

I think your Patrick would get along splendidly with my Jadyn. She's a little older (but I hear that's "in" these days). She does a version of that pool wooo-hooo thing every day after pre-school. She'll tell me all the fun stuff she did and yet if I ask "so you had a good day?" the answer is always "no!" hahah

Toddlers... they're fickle. Just wait - when they're teens they'll be more convinced of All That is Right.

[Emily]

My dear, that is my body temperature du jour -- every jour. It's freakishly low like that. Anyhoo, I'm under the care of a doctor that specializes in that and I am in fact hypothyroid and am on medication for it. Your iron could also be low. Low body temperature without symptoms of hypothyroid (I had them all) can be indicative of low iron. I'm under the care of another doctor for just THAT. I swear, I feel like Humpty Dumpty and no once can put me back together. If you want to know more, just drop me an email. I've got a PhD on this crap with regard to thyroid and it took me years to find a doctor who would help me (all the symptoms of hypo but normal TSH tests). Hypo impinges on conception.

[DD]

I'm reading your post, nodding and smiling in agreement, understanding and complete acknowledgement of how a 3 year old functions (and fails to function...the little sh*ts). But then I started reading about temps and went into brain-fart mode: I can't remember to take a pre-natal vitamin or my asthma medicine on a daily basis, so taking temps and charting is beyond my mental capacities. Give me an OPK any day. Yeah, you're right. I basically have nothing to say except reading about Patrick makes me realize that some of the adorably goofy things my Max does aren't that goofy, but quite adorable.

[jess]

"Should I tell him that I think I might be slowly freezing to death?" - this had me belly laughing. Sometimes I feel that way but I've never quite put it in those words...

Over the top. Easier to rip off.

[pixi]

I think it's probably a good thing that Patrick has the determination to tackle things even though he doesn't find them fun. Note that I'm reading blogs rather than working right now, because you know, work is no fun.

Also, I heard Martha Stewart say once that toilet paper should unroll from the top/front. That way you pull away from the roll. When it rolls from the back/bottom, then you have to pull down, and that's just awkward. So there you go!

[Kristin]

Finally! Someone who understands my toilet paper roll psychosis!

[Sarah]

I so sympathize with you on the toilet paper issue. How in the heck are you supposed to get the right amount and tear it off in the dark, if it is the wrong way.

Someone might have already said this, but make sure to get more than the generic thyroid test--my cousin who was having SERIOUS thryroid issues was coming out within normal range, and it was so out of whack.

[liz]

Your Patrick is so cute! I love your stories about him.

Muffin Man also has issues about doing anything but pee in the potty.

We had the doorknob thingy for several months until he was well and truly potty trained and refused to wear diapers to bed. We still use it when he's needs a time-out (otherwise he doesn't stay in time-out.) And we have them on the OUTSIDE of rooms we don't want him going into at night (laundry room, the guest room (my computer's in there), etc.)

[colette]

oh my gosh, you're killing me! i'm going to have to relegate you to "read at home because of danger of snorting with laughter in front of boss!"

[Alexa]

My guess would be that your iron is low because of your recent pregnancy (pregnancy lowers iron levels) and miscarriage (again, lowers iron levels). This makes for trouble keeping one's body temperature up.
Or, you are a reptile.

[Susan]

As someone who experienced infertility and then post-partum thyroid problems, I agree about thyroid testing. Having an underactive thyroid also affects fertility.

http://thyroid.about.com/cs/testsforthyroid/a/isityourthyroid.htm

The proper thyroid tests to get are TSH, Free T4 and Free T3 (as opposed to Total T4 and Total T3, which are not accurate indicators of the amount of thyroid that is "free" and available for the body's use - the numbers are affected by estrogen which causes some of the thyroid hormone to bind and to a protein so it's no longer "free" for use, making it seem like you have more thyroid hormone than you do). Often the normal range for the TSH lab is 0.5-5.0, but the new recommendation is 0.3-3.0, and actually for optimal fertility you want TSH to be around 1.0.

With a history of miscarriage, I'd be insisting on anti-thyroid antibody testing (TSI and anti-TPO), if you haven't already.

[RachelH]

Unrelated question--is anybody else having trouble finding A Little Pregnant? I get directed to some "site not found" page when I try to go there...Julie didn't close up shop or anything, did she?

[Belinda]

If it helps at all, my usual "normal" temp is between 96-97. Always. And I'm not cold, far from it!

[Laura]

I really think your Mum has switched the toilet roll around. She obviously prefers it that way! As a control freak myself I have been known to (or rather I have secretly...) changed the toilet roll from the way your Mum has it to the way it SHOULD be.
I think you should switch it back then you'll know.
The whole scenario is making me smile!