Simile

I give up.

On Saturday I wrote a long post, moving and lyrical, that I am certain would have brought you all to your feet, laughing and weeping and shouting "Brava! Brava!" You can imagine my disappointment when I read it before posting and discovered that the piece disintegrated into incomprehensible nonsense by paragraph three. Steve and Patrick were both asleep by 8:30 and I was all alonely and I somehow managed to consume three-quarters of a bottle of bad wine (quickly, the faster to get rid of it) and, well, d;s:LI*A_HS yetg;jn SPOJ HFksu.

Sunday I started another post but Patrick wanted to type so I let him because I am weak and he was whining and he promptly hit that button on the keyboard (WHICH BUTTON IS IT? I can't figure it out) that causes my computer to reboot.

Monday I thought about writing but ordered groceries instead.

Today I felt inspired and I slapped something together and as I recall it was pretty good but seconds before I was going to post it the power went out here. No wind, no rain, just your random rural fuck-with-you power outage. I know you have told me to buy one of those power backup things and Steve uses one (and thus was able to save HIS work today, by the by) but my computer is in the kitchen and there simply isn't room under my countertop desk for it. As it is my computer sits sideways and when I want to put a disk in I have to move everything.

Anyway, I give up. Clearly I am not supposed to update my blog in any meaningful fashion.

So I will give you a mini Patrick story and call it a day. Ahem:

Most of the time Patrick emerges up from his nap in an awful mood so I have taken to flipping him on his back like a baby turtle and rocking him in the rocking chair for a while after he wakes up. It seems to soothe him and we talk and rock and it is infinitely more pleasant than the alternative, which is him following me around, crying.

Today he was telling me some patterned story where there were 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0 of something doing something and then there were 20, 19, 18 etc. up until 50, 49, 48, 47... and so all the way down. He had his narrative firmly in hand and didn't need my prompting, so while he droned on with only my occasional "Oh my!" I let my mind wander. And what it wandered to was Thanksgiving and what I am going to feed everyone for five days and the fact that Steve has just told me his birthmother will be in town and wants to stop by with her familial posse that week... and I began chewing on my fingernail. Patrick stopped his story, looked at me, looked at his own hands, selected a matching finger, popped it in his mouth and started slurping on it.

I laughed. "Is that what I was doing?"

"Yeah," Patrick laughed. "It was funny."

He thought for a moment. "Funny like a dog with no legs."

And he LAUGHED and LAUGHED.

Seriously, I have no idea what to write about just now. Anything you want to know? Just give me a nudge over here, I'm feeling thick and feckless.      

Comments

[Sheridan]

I'm glad you were at least thinking about posting, even if it didn't work out quite so well. I've missed your updates.

I want to know how you ended up moving to Minnesota. Because you used to live in Washington, DC, yeah?

There MUST be more to this than a list on a paper napkin, or am I to be sorely disappointed?

And if you don't feel like answering that one, do you have any good recipes for food that you made for Patrick in his early eating days? Whom I think is the quirkiest, funniest kid around. He makes me so look forward to age 3.

[ManhattanAnne]

Oh, go on. You know we love everything you write.

[MFA Mama]

FUNNY LIKE A DOG WITH NO LEGS?! I love that. I may make it my new description/catchphrase. The button-on-the-keyboard thing reminded me of the button on the side of my mouse...Husband gave me an optic mouse that is way too smart for me, and there is a button on the SIDE that, when clicked, just deletes whatever I'm working on. I know this, but the button is very easy to trip by mistake and I have lost entire lectures, short stories, emails, etc. and screamed and screamed at him over the effing stupid mouse HE gave me. Then yesterday I found out that if I push the button on the OTHER side? They come BACK.
Personally, I'd LOVE to read the bad wine post. XOX

[elisabeth]

I always blog after drinking. I suppose that is because I am always drinking.....but ANYWAY....I'm thinking WE ought to go drinking....it makes everything better, imo.

[Sarah]

Is Patrick still going to speech therapy? How old was he when you decided to look into a evaluation? Was he not talking at all, or hard to understand? (I am on the fence on seeking an eval for my son. He is 20 months. My daughter is 4 and in speech at school. We bought into the "she's a late talker" for her, but I find myself wondering if it would have been better/easier to go sooner.)

[carrie]

Love everything you write and everything Patrick says. A very talented family.

[jenB]

i would also be curious about what you fed/feed your precocious toddler. mine seems to eat, well, NOTHING.

also, why are you so funny, even when things are sad? i have some chocolate to send you. fer reals. you deserve it.

[Kate]

I'm curious to know how you ended up with the toilet training. My almost 3 year old boy is still not even close and starts preschool in January and they definitely want him 'trained' by then. Any suggestions? My six pack of bob the builder and spider man were all used up today. (Not to mention the unmentionable at the post office - yuk!).

[Jen (yup, another one)]

You, "thick and feckless" are more entertaining than many a blogger on her BEST day! And Patrick - man, you've got a winner. I want one just like him. :)

[Mindy]

I just gotta ask, how does one order groceries?

[Alexa]

Nothing is funnier than a dog with no legs. Patrick is delightful.
As for things I want to know...
5. Do you have a good roast chicken recipe? My last one--from "Simply French," where you start the chicken out on his side, and then flip him to the other side, and then allow him to recline on his back--was delicious, but the skin never got properly crispy.
4. Did your low reptilian temperature ever resolve itself?
3. I found myself in a room full of four-year-olds recently, all talking about what they were going to be when they grew up (it had been a topic at preschool). Does Patrick ever talk about what he wants to be when he grows up? A numbers analyst? A linguist? The owner of a legless canine?
2. I always ask about books, so I will break the mold and ask about favorite music--artist, albums, songs?
1. Your turn--is there anything you want to know about us?

[Emily]

How in the world do you moms do it? How do you just "figure out" and KNOW that a baby just wants to be rocked and snuggled after a nap to instantly turn him from a monster into an bitty angel? Do you just KNOW? Or did you try a zillion other things before you figured it out? I find it fascinating, and much like a little science experiment.

I'm terrified that when I have kids I'll have absolutely no motherly instinct.

[Andrea]

You could tell us what you're going to feed all those visitors, because I'm starting to worry about the same thing. And it's really hard to cook with a little kid or two clinging to me.

[Michele]

What happened to your blog list? I'm used to one-click access, and now I have to type! and search! and type! Please, bring back the list.

[Brad]

Was Patrick typing with both hands? Alt-F4 can cause a reboot on PCs. No way to turn it off. Silly PCs.

[giddy]

I second Michele's motion.....you were my jumping-off point to several other blogs--such good taste, you have.

[bri]

Oh my. I need to tell you that stories about your son have taken on that "in-joke" quality in our house, so much so that it is a little creepy, like they happened to someone we actually KNOW or something.

All this to say that we think Patrick an eccentric genious child and adore him.

"Funny like a dog with no legs" shall join "silent like an 'e'" in our home as favorite catch-phrases we use so often you'd think our own kid had said 'em.

(My stepson didn't say so much funny stuff - we need to borrow others'. Instead he did funny stuff like insisting that one must wear earmuffs to cook at the play kitchen. And also insisting that one must have pants off to wrestle. And that the vacuum cleaner needed to be walked.)

[Anne Glamore]

I second the motion-- if you come up with T'giving ideas please share. My best idea so far is to dye my hair brown in honor of the seasdon, but that isn't going to feed anyone.

[Emily Drew]

That's what you get for putting gel in the boy's hair...

[AmyinMotown]

As a fellow food lover and cook, I would like to know:

Turkey: brine or no brine? Any other tips? A typical supermarket bird or do you go fancy? (We used to buy it from the poultry place at our big Eastern (farmer's ) Market here, until my husband once saw our exact bird get picked up from the group, taken in back, and reunited with him, defeathered and deheaded. UGH. We're transitioning to vegtarian now thanks to that, gllaaahhhh).

Sides? What's a good veg that's not starchy, boring or will fight with the rest of the meal? or should I chuck the idea and go with a nice salad?

Do you change things up or pretty much go with the same stuff year to year?

[Stephanie]

http://julia.typepad.com/julia/2004/11/index.html

Scroll down to Julia's Nov. 16th post from last year to see her perfect birdie tip. I tried it last Thanksgiving... and she's right! Good bird.

[Candy]

If it helps, you could entertain Patrick with this joke.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

While I type it, I'm laughing because I think that's one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

And I'm sorry.

[Nancy]

You've dropped hints over the years to Julian? Julius? Some guy in SF who made you swoon once upon a moon ago. What's THAT story? eh? eh?

God, everyone else asks for cooking recipes and I'm looking for the bodice-ripping romance dirt. I'm so abashed. So... eh? eh?

[Amy]

What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck!

(Teaching 3rd grade warps your sense of humor after a while.)

[shannon]

I'm really glad you asked.

Speak to me of ordering groceries.

Not that you can, in any way that doesn't totally suck in our tiny town. I tried it once from the one store that offers it and got many icky surprises.

But what service do you use? How do you deal with the question of things like produce that could arrive good, bad or ugly?

Last weekend was Nat's baptism and there were five adults in our apartment (sharing one bathroom) and I survived it by thinking "what would Julia do?" I threw in the vegetarian towel and bought three kinds of dead animal flesh, planned three main meals around them, plus two items to stay in the fridge and be eaten at will for lunches/snacks, stuffed the kitchen to the gills with do-it-yourself breakfast food, etc.

Now I am using baking soda liberally to clean up the mess.

But ah! the ordering of groceries! Does this mean NOT having to go to the grocery store twice a week to walk aisles full of undergrads in seek of alcohol by-the-vat?

I dream that someday we will move to a burgh with adequate grocery-order access, so prep me by telling all.

You are my domestic role-model!

[Cecily]

Funny like a dog with no legs. That is KILLING me, and I'm a girl with a very funny frozen dog story.

[MFA Mama]

Oooo I've got one--what happens to Steve's...uh...kills? We know the deer get decapitated and hung in his study, but what of the pheasants? Does he bring them home for you to CLEAN? Do you ever eat anything he's shot? Does he go hunting for the Thanksgiving turkey (ew)? And what the heck does Steve do, anyway, other than hunt and play ultimate frisbee and go on trips when you are having female trouble?

[Amy]

Cookbook recommendations.

Photos of your new and improved living room.

An update on the Wham duvet cover and its winter-time replacement.

Wine recommendations (i.e., what crappy wine were you drinking, so I know to avoid it).

Tips for eyelash tinting success.

Snarky stories about the pre-school moms.

[Claudia]

What has strengthened you the most over your years of TTC? You seem so, ummm, unflappable? I'd like to know your secret...

[CrisS]

I second the eyelash tinting info request, and throw in anything you know about home waxing (of self, not furniture - although, I do have a wooden dresser that seems to be drying out so if you have thoughts in that direction I could use those too).

And, we've been taking a reproductive efforts break but are getting back in the saddle (giggle) so any thoughts on maintaining sanity in that direction would be great.

[Judy]

wrote a whole reply then lost it - doh! So, in short:

I agree with Nancy!!

[Lisa]

i have been reading your stories, but i came to a posting from october that said how you are amazed with yourself for how well you have dealt with all your losses and how you don't go around sobbing and being troubled by other peoples normal pregnancies and births. i must dare to say that while you are no doubt a strong person, if you did not already have a son and each of these lost pregnancies were the loss of hope for a family of your own or just a further confirmation that you will NEVER hold your baby in your arms, and the loss of a life you've always dreamed of as a mother, then i'm sure you would feel like most others who have recurrent miscarriages and maybe you would be more sensitive to those feelings of sadness and lost hope.

[lisa]

Also, with the odds against you, you were so lucky to be blessed with your son. so why don't you use the time you spend writing about wanting more and spend it with your beautiful little boy and tell him that he's all you need to be happy and it doesn't matter if you ever have another child because he's your miracle.

[MFA Mama]

Lisa, babe, if it bothers you so much, why have you apparently read the entire blog and all of its archives? It seems kind of...masochistic? I'm truly sorry that you are in such a bad place, but lay off my Julia, 'kay?

[MFA Mama]

Oh and for the record I was being sarcastic about old Steve--I know that he pitches in with Patrick beautifully and supports the family (wage earner, blah blah blah); I was just wondering what field he was in (you don't have to be overly specific, just "Steve is an Internet mogul" or "Steve is an oil tycoon" or "Steve is the president of PETA and they sure would be sad if they found out what he does to deer and pheasants").

[lisa]

i'm sorry if i'm being harsh it's just if i could have one baby i would never want for anything else and i would spend any "extra time" thanking god or the stars and the moon or darwin or whatever for my one blessing. it's hard for me to relate to any other thought process.

[lisa]

sorry i won't post again

[AnonAlso'CauseThisIsMyPain]

Lisa: I don't know if you'll read this. I don't know if your in a place that you can see it. But please, just try to remember my words, because I know about no hope. I have a disease not related to my reproductive system that means I am unable to have children. This is not reversible. It also makes me not a candidate to be an adoptive parent. I am only 30 and I have lived with this since I was 26.

Once I thought that the only thing I wanted from life was to have children. I thought I would give anything for that chance. I was willing to even be a single parent if that was my only shot. When I was diagnosed I thought if I just didn't make certain treatment decisions I would not destroy my chances of children. Ultimately I had to choose to live though, because after all, even if I lived to bear a child that I did not raise, that might not be the best choice for the child. I decided the most loving thing I could do was give up my dream children.

Over time that hurt has actually faded some. It will never not hurt. I dread becoming an aunt as that will be new pain and a new reminder that I had to become ill while my siblings did not. I am furious when I know of abused children I could have loved. But.....

The important thing is this: I have learned that no matter how it hurts, life does go on. And the truth is that life is the most important thing. I will never love a child of my own. But I will spread love by giving wonderful baby gifts. I will never be called Mama, but I will have my nursing home patient who has lived in institutions her whole life ask if I can be her mother. I will connect with others in ways that people who are concerned with their own children will never be able to. And, I will LIVE.

And I will even learn to be happy at times for this horrible thing that happened to my dreams. That part I probably am just beginning, but I can see it. My life didn't turn out the way I hoped. But I look at the good things in my life, things I might not have seen, and I am so glad that I know their importance. Sort of like those of us who can't have children so often feel those who can do not know how precious they are? I really think there is a counter to that, in some way.

I am sorry this is so long. I would have emailed it but that wasn't possible, which I totally understand obviously.

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