And The Sink For Good Measure

I have missed you terribly. Terribly, I tell you.

Since 90% of my social interaction occurs within my computer (the other 10% being distributed like this: 8% - multiple daily phone calls to my mom and brother, both of whom have "jobs" that keep them "busy" so my frequent calls to discuss whether I should cut off most of my hair or just slivers of it tomorrow are usually met with "bored impatience"; 1% - phone calls/messaging with my closest friends, all of whom, incidentally, I met through this blog; 1% - timid generally inept attempts on my part to make actual friends with an actual person who could actually keep, like, a key to my house or something and who would be willing and close enough to bring it over if I ever locked myself out) I have felt the absence of the internet keenly. I keened. But that is all behind us now in the this the Age of The New Computer, so let us move bravely forward, together once more, and grieve not for what remains behind. Hey speaking of friends, do you have them? Are they leftover friends from childhood or college or did you meet them as an adult? How? Where? I invited a woman I met at a baby shower out to lunch last summer and then she invited me to lunch this autumn and then she invited us to her New Year's Eve party and now I have invited them to dinner this weekend with another couple. All rather promising but at this rate we will be exchanging personal confidences by, oh, say, the year 3000. Is it me? Is it really really hard to make friends as an adult or do I just suck? Be frank, I need to know if I am just not trying hard enough.   

In other news it is January 10th and Patrick has finally stopped asking about his advent calendar. This was the first year Patrick kinda "got" Christmas and, while he enjoyed the presents and the tree, what really made his heart beat fast and furiously was the advent calendar I picked up in impulsive response to clever front-end merchandising at the grocery store. Five hundred times a day throughout the month of December Patrick would clasp his hands together, wriggling in anticipation like a little anticipating newt, and ask, "Is it the (x)th day of the month yet, Mommy?" Patrick is... rather fond of knowing what day it is and what time it is and how many minutes are going to elapse until something else happens (he spends a little chunk of each day going back and forth between digital and analog clocks in this house trying to figure out how the hell the minutes get calculated. because he is capital C Cool like that.) That the advent calendar brought all the joy of following an easily identifiable numerical pattern with the pleasure of quantifying periods of time PLUS nasty German chocolate dating from the year 2... well! Frabjous day, that's what Patrick thought.

I always considered myself a baby person. I thought I would grieve when Patrick left babyhood. I thought I would be inconsolable when the possibility of having another baby got smaller and smaller in the rear-view. In truth, I was so excited to see the emergence of Toddler Patrick, with his white-blond curls, letter obsession and incomprehensible speech, that I hardly gave Baby Patrick another thought. Now that Preschool Patrick is blooming all over the place I realize that the earlier models were sweet and all but this new kid is absolutely outstanding. I LOVE this age. He likes to cook with me. He likes to draw funny pictures and tell me stories about them (granted they all start with an enormous letter, drawn in alphabetical order, of course, he's no anarchist, but then he adds eyes and a mouth and shoes to the letter and he draws a train or some onions or some streetlights or whatever with it and there is always an adventure involved.) He makes up tuneless songs about numbers who cry because they threw garbage into the washing machine. He hides and he seeks. He reads and he almost realizes that he can read. I would never have understood this distinction without watching it in action with Patrick, but there has been a long period of time during which he could tell you what a word was on sight or sound it out or make decent assumptions about it based upon the words that preceded it. So he could pick up just about anything and "read" it. But only recently has he begun to understand that these words have meaning apart from just being articulated. So the reading thing is delightful and keeps him busy for, I kid you not, an hour and a half every morning when he wakes up. We can hear him on the baby monitor pulling books off his shelf and when we finally go into get him (after a refreshing sleep-in) he will be sitting in the rocking chair with Bear, reading himself a story with a pile of books next to him. Math is his real passion though. He can add and subtract to about 20. He is unbelievable with spatial relationships (my mom got him this box of shapes for Christmas that you use to build other shapes, like a couple of rhombuses (rhombii?) and a few triangles and poof you have a train) and Patrick sat down and did like thirty of them in a row. And this weekend he started coming up with series of numbers (like 1 3 5 7 and 4 8 12 16) all by his wee self. It would be ridiculous for me to pretend that Patrick is not a little ahead of the curve in some areas. Steve and I spend a lot of time doing our best impersonation of being warmly impressed but not TOO impressed (our instinct is that we should encourage him to be proud of himself but not get all freaky about it) while are both inwardly going Oh my god oh my god oh my god! We think he is amazing. I don't know what being precocious in math gets you out of life but I hope it is something nice because he is a very delightful person and I want good things for him.

That said, there are still lots of things from which he has barely progressed from infancy. He refuses to drink out of a regular cup and on the rare occasion when I try to press the issue he will unblinkingly pour the juice all over his head rather than drink it. He has only just learned to throw a ball (funny story, actually. we have been trying to get him interested in playing with balls for a while, I guess because it seems like something he would like once he got the hang of it. two days ago he threw a ball at me for the very first time all of his own initiative, trouble being that I was typing on my brand new computer at the time and he threw the ball hard enough to crack the monitor screen. so, um, damn it) and the only way he can catch is if the ball somehow gets stuck in his shirt. He has categorically refused to ever climb on or near anything resembling a pushcart, tricycle, ride-on or scooter. He also continues to refuse to do anything but pee in the potty. And he is not so consistently hot at that either, having wet his pants as recently as this weekend. 

So, as always and as with everybody, ahead and behind and just about average. 

Speaking of Patrick I thought I might as well proffer some hard-earned maternal wisdom in hopes that it may serve you. Patrick, although I have not really mentioned it much because I find the subject distasteful, has suffered from bowel irregularity for over two years. Badly. Once every four days, dreadful badly. We went to the pediatrician over and over about it and we have tried everything including a prescription laxative for months on end. The whole situation was very unpleasant and rather mystifying because Patrick seriously had a diet that was more fiber than food, washed down with oceans of fructose laden juices. Nothing seemed to help, though, and right before Thanksgiving we had an incident in which the poor kid strained so hard he actually vomited in the process. Not good. So! I had just decided that we would have to move on to the next step and schedule him with a pediatric gastoenterologist and work from there. Then I googled something that mentioned that a small number of children respond to milk allergies in this way. Although we had significantly reduced Patrick's dairy intake years ago we had never thought to remove it entirely. I switched him to soy milk three weeks ago and voila! it seems to have completely solved the problem. Completely. I offer this for what it is worth (here, I'll even throw in the google term "toddler constipation"). My public service for the day.         

What else? Steve has a bone spur growing into a ligament in his ankle and it is making him walk funny. Funny gimpy, not funny Ha Ha, regrettably. Even more regrettable is the fact that Steve has taken this as a portent that he needs ankle surgery and has scheduled it for two weeks from now. At first I absentmindedly said, "Yes yes, whatever makes you happy" but the more I hear about his recovery time the more my brow furrows. THREE WEEKS without being able to go upstairs or downstairs. That means THREE WEEKS in which I have to get Patrick in the morning and put him to bed at night and do the whole day in between. As I explained above, I love the child, I adore him, I dote upon each and every eyelash, but taking care of him unassisted from his first peep to his last bedtime story? Ugh.

I told Steve that I have thought about it and after a careful cost-benefit analysis I have decided it would be best for him to just skip the surgery. The cost of my having to do everything by myself for three whole weeks (maybe four!) is simply not outweighed by the benefit of his being able to walk pain-free. As I pointed out, his ankle hasn't been bothering me at all, and that must count for something. He said he would consider it, but I don't know... I am not sanguine. He can be so selfish sometimes.

I am now five days post ovulation in our attempt to achieve an eleventh pregnancy, seven years after beginning to try to conceive in the first place. What I find amusing is that I am still all a-twittered by it. I like trying to have a baby. I love the suspense of the wait. And I am completely cool with it not working. I can handle it if I never get pregnant again. I am also fine with the idea of getting pregnant but having another miscarriage (um, another first trimester miscarriage. I think another later loss would cause me to hang up the ol' bed and call it a day.) It has taken a long time but I am also  finally comfortable with the idea of Patrick being an only child. In fact, I should be so lucky as to have that be the worst thing to happen to me in life, you know?

So I think I am covered. No pregnancy? Check. Pregnant but miscarriage? Check. Worst case scenario Only One Child? Check. Long-shot success culminating in second baby? WOW.      

I hope you are all well. I really have missed you. Let me know about forming adult friendships, I am curious to hear your thoughts. Oh, and Patrick has been invited to a classmate's birthday party. What is a good present for an about-to-be-four-year-old girl? I am guessing she probably is not interested in an abacus or trucks, so I'm fresh out of ideas.

PS I see from comment two (Hi SarahA) that it is delurking week. So delurk, damn it. I am feeling lonely.

Comments

[Suz]

It is so funny that you posted about making adult friendships. This very topic has been on my mind lately too. I recently quit my job to stay home with my wee one, and lo and behold, my friends went "poof" (practically with smoke and everything). I thought I had made friendships at work that were strong enough to hold up without the daily walks to cafeteria, but apparently not so much. Now, I'm randomly joining Mommy groups and going to Gymboree classes in the hope of making some new pals. However, I haven't really gotten past the general pleasantries stage with anyone yet. I made a New Year's resolution that this is the year of reaching out to people so that I don't end up being a creepy hermit, so we'll see how it goes. I will check back here for additional ideas!

[SarahA]

Hi Julia!

Two things: Apparently it's de-lurking week so in honor, "HI!" and also, my daughter got a great CD for Christmas and immediately I thought of Patrick and his love of letters. I think you'll both find it entertaining. Apologies if you already have it.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0007D34I0/qid=1136924913/sr=1-3/ref=sr_1_3/103-6745682-3087052?s=music&v=glance&n=5174

Also, sorry if the link doesn't work. I'm not very computer literate, and am just figuring out how to post links on Blogger, which I'm told is practically the easiest (and lamest) site ever.

So, welcome back, and, oh, the new friends thing? I suck at it. Most of mine are left over from college or co-workers. I did meet a great new friend thru the blogosphere but alas, she lives in Philly and I'm a Prairie girl.

[KT]

Re presents: Check with the girl's mom. My friend's got a 4-year-old girl who's massively into anything princess. For her birthday last year, we got her disney princess shoes and hair-accessories. She loves them. Otherwise, I'd go for generic toys... a slinky, crayons and a coloring book, a stuffed toy...

Re friends: Most of my friends are "leftover" college friends. I have a few who aren't, but they were introduced to me by one of my old college friends. Or friends of friends of friends. (for instance, Heidi, who is Kris's sister who is Braz's wife and Braz is a friend from college.)

Re making friends: This always sounds like lame advice, but seriously... go to the library and check the boards. Someone will have a craft-meeting of some sort (scrapbooking, etc) and you might find someone you're compatible with there. I'm a stay-at-home mom, so it is hard to meet new people. I take my daughter to playgroups at the mall about once a week, and while I've had some nice conversations there (well, aside from talking to the batty woman with the twins Brittany and Avril. god don't I wish I was kidding) I haven't had much re-contacting with those people. But the scrapping stuff I do has really helped me meet new people that I like.

[Emily]

Making new adult friends is so so difficult. I live hundreds of miles from my college friends, and though we are still very much in touch with each other (emails daily, phone calls every week, visits every three months or so) it was hard to go without actual IN PERSON female interaction for long stretches at a time. I was lucky though, and friends kind of fell into my lap. My husband and I met our neighbors a couple of years ago and somehow the three wives clicked and the three husbands clicked and now the husbands have poker night and the girls get together and drink wine and laugh until 3am. We also all have dinners together and go out together and other things... but it was so hard without them before, to be honest. Work friends never cut it for me, they were always so... weird. And seeing them every day was just... eh.

I'm sorry, I hope that doesn't make you feel bad about your friend situation. Clearly I'm terrible at making new friends, I had to wait for them to introduce themselves to me. But I think its normal as adults. Sucky, but normal.

[c lest]

Yep. Adult friendship formation is more than slightly uncomfortable. I'm not sure if it is because we become so set in our weird and slightly annoying ways, or if it is that we lack the time to sit around and be selfish bastards smoking hookas and watching laser light shows together.

[Emily]

P.S. Wanted to say I have missed the updates on your reproductive system, as creepy as that sounds. Glad that you're on track again!

[Moose]

I don't consider myself a full blown adult yet, but am far enough removed from college to understand that it gets tough out there. I spent a year trying to make friends (most of my college friends are in other states) and failed most utterly. Then, without warning, Blammo! I had some friends. It took awhile to develop them. Alcohol can be helpful for the encouraging of confidences. Alcohol can encourage a lot of things. Don't know if that's at all helpful, but I can say: You're not alone.

[k]

delurking to say that yours is the first blog i check in the morning - good to have you back...

[runnerwoman]

I have very few adult friends. I attribute a lot of that to my infertility; the fertiles apparently thought it was catching, and stopped responding to my phone calls and e-mails. I'm also fairly prickly when it comes to, you know, people, and I find myself much more tolerant of others when they're on the far side of a modem.

[Julia but not the same Julia]

I too shall delurk! I share your name, and really enjoy your writing, and totally agree that making friends as adults out in the world is tough. DH and I moved across the country this year and are again in that stage of trying to build new friendships. It's difficult, I know, but I say-- introduce yourselves to people! take initiative! be authentic and real! It makes me feel vulnerable but I know that it is better to be vulnerable than end up really isolated in our new city.

[Chris]

De-lurking to say hi as well. As for the birthday gift, it may be a safe bet that she likes Princesses. Unless you know she is a tomboy sort, you probably won't go wrong.

[Sarah]

I have commented in the past, on occasion, but not very often. So I'm delurking to say hello.
I read every time you update.
Love your writing and your sense of humor!

[Jenn]

I am one of "those" types who would go snakey without my friends. I have lots of friends -- and I tend to keep them (unless they are too weird, or I'm too boring) forever. My best friend has been my best friend since I was seven. But it helps that I am an extrovert. I wouldn't say I'm perky (puleese don't say I'm perky) but I will talk to anyone at any time. OK maybe I just talk a lot? I've lived all over and I have really good friendships from all over. My closest friends where I live now I've met through my previous work days, through my ol' iParenting diary, or through mom's groups and the like. Playdates are really an excuse for me to socialize. And I've been lucky that almost all of my friends who were coworkers now stay at home since they've had kids. I go out one night a week and do something with a friend. But Doug has ZERO friends. The man doesn't need or want them. I couldn't handle that but he seems pretty well adjusted. So what I'm saying is -- do you want adult friends?

Jenn

[Megan]

"Delurking" just to say hello, I've been reading your blog daily for almost a year (!) and love it.

I really have nothing to offer as far as adult friends or presents for almost-4-year-olds since I am in my first year of college and am not really around kids but if somehow something comes to me I'll let you know.

Megan

[Tine]

Nice to have you back. And what a delightful post! It was worth all the refreshing I've been doing today (work avoidance behavior).

Making--hell, keeping--friends as an adult is really hard, I think. I'm lucky enough to be living in my hometown, with most of my nuclear family nearby, plus a few HS friends and my 2 best college friends. And my coworkers are great. They're the kind of people I'd be friends with even if we didn't see each other 8 hrs./day every day.

But even in such fortuitous circumstances, I find it hard to maintain those friendships. We're all just so damn busy w/ our kids, jobs, etc. Thank god the others are socially stubborn--very persistent about calling me, getting together, etc. I manage to stay friends w/ these excellent people mostly through THEIR efforts. How pathetic of me.

So...it's probably sounding like I have no useful advice to offer, since your situation is so different. But wait: I do. Many long years ago I took a job in a very small town 2 states away. There was very little to do there that interested me, and I didn't know a soul. I found that the standard advice for making friends actually does work. Never turn down an invitation. (Even if the inviter or the activity suggested doesn't appeal to you, you never know what new path it might lead you down.) Join something--anything. Just get some new faces in your world. Gotta give yourself some prospects, right?

The horrible podunk town I lived in for 5 years all by my lonesome turned out to be not-so-lonesome after all. Found not only some marvy friends there (who kept me sane and with whom I'm still in touch) but also my husband.

Thank god he had the sense to get the hell out of there with me, though.

[lizardek]

I've de-lurked in the past once or twice to post a comment, but here it is De-Lurking Week so I'm doing it again to say I love your writing, your attitude, your sense of humor. Thanks for putting it out there for us. As for the adult friends thing, I used to be pretty good at it, but alas, I seem to have lost the knack. Join things. Take classes. Um, be happy with the nice people in your computer? Good luck!

[Lori M]

First, lemme say some words about husbands post-surgery. Not only will you be taking care of Patrick all day, but you will also be taking care of your husband. Men don't mend well! My husband had reconstructive surgery on his knee a year ago and it was like having three kids instead of two. Thank goodness my mom "kept" him for me at her house for the first week. Unfortunately, although Steve's ankle does not presently hurt you, me thinks you are in for much pain during Ultimate season if he does not get the spur taken care of now. If he can't play, I'm guessing he will whine and whining is painful to hear, isn't it?

As for gifts for a four-year-old girl...Tea party sets, dress-up clothes, fairy wings she can decorate herself, craft items, wooden food sets that you can "cut" apart (via velcro), anything pink, or sparkly, or princess related.

Friends: Do you like the shower woman well enough to make a monthly date with her where the two of you go try some wonderful gormet meal together? I bonded much with some women who are now friends by doing this. Might I suggest for your first stop, Solera in Minneapolis? Tapas, tapas, tapas. And they will do flights of wine for you, too, if you ask. To make friends you need to log time togehter...Good luck!

[Meg]

Am delurking. I have very few friends. Any friends that i do have are because i live next door to someone social, who doesn't feel rebuffed by my infrequent phone calls and sporadic attendance to playdates. I really enjoy my internet friends so much more - i mean, they don't require that i get dressed, or say, leave my house to interact with them!

My 4Yo enjoys her Doodlebear, but i also have heard through the grapevine that gift certs to Build A Bear are regarded as birthday party gold in these parts. (That is, just slightly north of the Metro New York area.)

[Catizhere]

Hi Julia,
I don't comment often, but hey, I'm a conformist so I will de-lurk.

I don't really have any close friends ::sniff:: other than my sisters (ok, only 1 is REALLY my sister; the is a SIL but I LUV her like a sista) & a couple of "work-friends" I never did make friends easily, unless you count teammates. I could hang with my softball team, and the volleyball team. But usually not 1 on 1. I guess I just funtion better in a gang.

As for a gift suggestion, I always liked to give those little craftsy kits... friendship bracelets (hey, how ironic is that??) finger puppets, card making kits....

Anyway, I'm glad to see you back!!

[Debbie]

All my friends are from high school. And I'm 38 years old... So yes. It's hard to make new friends.

[Tonya]

Okay, I'll delurk and answer the gift question. I have a 4-year old daughter, and all of her girl-friends from daycare LOVE princesses. I think all of them except 2 were some sort of princess for halloween (and there are about 12 girls in her class). My daughter expecially likes the princess dolls that are like polly pockets.

[tc]

Delurking time! I have no idea about making adult friends, and I wish I did. Granted, I am freakishly introverted, but still, I managed to make and keep lots of magnificent friends from my earlier years -- they just happen not to live anywhere near me anymore. And I do meet a lot of people through various artsy activities, but haven't yet managed to expand any of those pleasant relationships into an actual *friendship*. Maybe if I were single I'd be more motivated? (I have been repeatedly told it gets easier once you have kids, as you somehow magically acquire a new set of "mommy friends." I'm skeptical.)

[nate]

May I just say that you're my favorite blogger? And if I lived just a few hours closer to you I'd TOTALLY be your best friend. Although you might think me a stalker b/c I think you're so cool. But hey, if you ever think you'll be stuck in Madison, call me. No one else I know will drink more than one glass of wine with me.

But yes, adult friendships are hard. I have a few--one developed through work, but we don't exactly get together on wkds or call eachother w/ details of our lives, and one from someone I met in prenatal yoga, whose son is 3 wks younger than my daughter. We probably wouldn't have stayed close if we didn't live w/in 5 blocks of eachother, and also work in connecting buildings. The others are leftover--but very strong--college friendships.

I also want to say how pleased I am that Patrick is normal--or even behind--in some ways. I mean, Clara, who will be 3 in March, is amazing & brilliant & runs circles around most of the kids her age--but compared to Patrick she's just, umm, normal. Which is saying something, because she's SCARY smart. I still think if they got married they'll have amazingly scary brilliant children. But I understand he's promised elsewhere, so I'll desist from that line of thought.

I thought of you, actually, on New Year's day when we were flying into Mpls (for a connecting flight), and there was a couple in the row ahead of us w/ a daughter named Julia. And I thought, "Oh, wouldn't it be cool if it were THAT Julia?" And then I realized that you're probably older than 5 yrs old.

[Leigh]

De-lurking to say that making friends in real life is NOT easy, at least for me. My first adult best friend hung around because we had babies within months of one another, and then both of us dealt with secondary infertility. I thought we would be friends forever, but then I finally got pregnant after six years....and she didn't. Then she adopted and I thought all was well....until my body did a complete turn around and I was pregnant four more times in four years (two of those were miscarriages.) She kinda stopped calling me after that. Now I'm a mom of four beautiful children and I STILL think like an infertile person. The scars don't go away.
Anyway...I finally made a new friend, and that was great until she decided to stop being a stay-at-home mom and went back to work...and told me that she was "just too smart to stay home all day." Now I am somewhat friendless...and lack the energy to go out and find real life friendships. I guess I'll stick with the computer for a while.

[nate]

Ooh, just saw the question about gifts. Would some playsilks be a good gift for a 4 yo? They seem so cool. Heck, they'd be a good gift for me!

[Janonymous]

It is hard to make friends as an adult--I am picky about getting close to people too, though I have made pleasant acquaintances in the neighborhood because the moms here get together monthly for a little social thing, and have seasonal activities for the kids as a group (Easter egg hunt, etc.) I have made a few closer friends through activities at church, and through my profession (though not so much a specific job). My husband, far more pleasant and outgoing and people-loving than I, also finds it hard to make friends since he mostly just sees work people, or people with whom I manage to arrange a social outing.

The only adults I know who easily make loads of close friends are my parents, but they're nuts. They are the worst judges of character I've known, and think everyone is just wonderful. They frequently introduce me to their new best friend X, who is "just the neatest person! You'll love her!" but who is quite clearly a whack job.

I'll skip all that, thanks, and stick with the whack jobs I've managed to ferret out on my own.

Jan

[margalit]

Hi Julia,

I have a few real life friends, but I'm sort of like Dr House. I pretty much hate everybody. I don't really hate them, I just don't have the time and energy for them. I have one friend I see several times a week and she's got enough issues to keep me involved in her life, so I guess I like having her around most of the time. But making new friends? Not so much. I do get lonely and like you, much of my social interaction is online, but that's fine since I'm pretty much housebound anyhow. I used to think it was because I'm disabled and don't drive so other people have to go out of their way for me, but the real reason is, I just don't go out of my way for anyone else. I don't want to anymore. If that makes me a jerk, so be it. Maybe when my health improves, my attitude will as well, but for now, I don't have the energy for more friends than I already have, and that's plenty for me.

[reenie]

Wow. Lots to think about! First – I suck at making friends. Anyone who knows me would laugh at my explanation – I’m really shy. I “overcome” this by making jokes and being gregarious and generally happy…but really. Cripplingly shy. I have three neighbors with boys about the same age as my son and I still have a hard time…I mean, come on! Isn’t that a built-in friendship maker? Our backyards all meet at a corner and we occasionally meet in one of the backyards to let the boys play, but I’m just stumped when it comes to making actual conversation with these people.

I’ve always been amazed at Patrick’s skill with numbers and letters. My son (who will be two on Saturday) is almost the exact opposite of Patrick. He can throw and catch a ball with amazing skill…loves to ride his tryke…loves paddling in a pool, etc. But he only knows the letters “B” and “O” consistently…with a few others thrown in sometimes. And when he counts (he can, to about 6 or 7) most times he starts off well, but gets stuck at 2. (1…2…1!) And the potty training? He’ll say pee pee, and hold his wee winkie, but if you ask him whether he’s gone, or has to go, he’ll say “mm mm” (meaning no). So what is a mother to think? I tell him that Mommy is going to go pee pee in the potty, and I let him come into the bathroom with me. (He says “bye bye” to the pee pee when I flush. But I think watching Daddy will help a lot more than watching me. Maybe I should mention it to him? We’ve decided to let it just happen at this point. Unless he never gets it…

I am so excited to hear about your cycle…I was wondering when we’d hear any news on that front. I love you for being excited, and for being okay if it doesn’t happen. May year 7 be a lucky one.

[Jenn]

I have one friend left over from high school. Other than that, occasionally I will talk to ex-coworkers and such, but they aren't really Friends. I'm trying though. I'm making an effort to try to get involved in some activities with other people instead of retreating to my favorite spot on the couch.

[krimojo]

Delurking - and I'll answer your meeting friends as adults question.
I'm still (barely) in touch with my friends from high school. My husband is very close with his core 4 friends and we all (the guys and wives/girlfriends/kids) manage to get together.
As far as meeting new people, I meet new friends at work - that's pretty much it.

[Angela]

Delurking to say hi. I read often, but comment rarely.

Congrats on the new computer!

I don't have any female friends in my city- all of my close friends live around the country. I would like to change that, so if I find something that works, I will let you know.

[Ruggybabs]

Yes, yes, I'm another lurker. I read here all the time but I can never think of a semi-clever or useful comment to leave. Therefore, I lurk.

As for friends, most (I say 'most' as if I actually have more than 4 or 5) of mine are old friends from school and/or relatives. And they've all moved off the island. Nevermind all of them getting married and having kids and lives etc while I'm still single. It's hard(er) making friends as an adult, most definitely. It got even harder when I became (temporarily) unemployed because, you know, going out is apparently a *crucial* method of finding these 'friend' people.

Most odd.

Also, I'm insanely jealous of your writing skills.

[Colleen]

Delurking to say hello!

I'm also finding that as a SAHM it's hard to find/make friends. Most of the friends I already had before having a child work so I don't see them often. One of the reasons I joined a gym was to meet other SAHMs. And, while I've met a few there, none of those aquaintences has blossomed into full-blown friendship. It just seems like everyone's too busy and off doing their own thing to get involved.

I did meet a SAHM last summer via some friends of my parents and we got together a few times. Met at her house for lunch and conversation, took our kids to the zoo one day. And then, nothing. I emailed her a few times to see if she wanted to get together again and never heard back. Until she sent me a Christmas card photo of her kids. So, I emailed her again. Still nothing. Maybe I did something to piss her off? Maybe I talk too much or not enough? Maybe my kid was prettier than hers? But, then, why the card? I don't know. It's like dating all over again and you're left wondering why the guy didn't call. I guess she's "just not that into" me. Ick.

[Sheila]

Hi Julia:
Long time listener, first time caller. Hi! Now that the de-lurking is done, I have a suggestion re: birthday present. I am a mom to 3 girls, and we have princess stuff, tiaras, fairy wings, etc. UP TO HERE. All appreciated and well-used, but still, taking up lots o'space. My suggestion (which may actually win you a new friend in the mother, if she is as appreciative of useful and, ahem, not overly costly gifts given unto her children as I am) is... a pillowcase. My daughter got a Strawberry Shortcake pillowcase for her birthday and she LOVES it, and I wanted to kiss the mom. We use it daily, I do not have to actually help her in any way to get use out of it (if I have to bust out the glitter glue, string another bead or shrink another dink immediately after the throng of party guests depart ever again, I will declare a moratorium on birthday parties in this house!) and--uh, where was I? Oh, yeah. Pillowcase. Trust me. The mom will love you and want to be your best friend as much as we all do. Glad you're back.

[Bihari]

I'm goint to go out on a limb here and say something fresh and interesting (and mix my metaphors while I'm at it): making friends as an adult is hard. I know nobody's said that before, but hey, I'm brave, I'm willing to do the dirty work.

OK, maybe not so brave, but still, making friends as an adult, and especially as a parent, does seem less organic and more difficult than making friends as a child. I do have some good friends I've met in recent years (I'm 38), but a lot of that is due to grad school, where a bevy of wonderful and like-minded people was (were? is bevy singular or plural?) presented for my delectation. But all in all, I find I really have to work at calling, emailing, setting up lunch and movie "dates," and scheduling time to be with other women sans children. And I always think I'll be too tired to do it, but then when I do I'm so glad, but the next time something else rolls around I think I'm too tired again. It is fraught, is what it is.

Patrick sounds delicious, also brilliant. I have a guy the same age and I wish we could sic them on each other. My guy's little brother would be happy to gnaw Patrick's ankles too.

[Schnozz]

You are not mistaken about the difficulty of making friends as an adult? How did we all do it when we were kids? I just moved to a new city and am so determined to make friends that I have resorted to personal-ad style girl dates through this big social group I joined. It sounds kind of silly and unnatural, but so does staying home and staring at the walls, so I'm just going to do what it takes.

Anyway, delurking to say I love your blog and I feel your pain on the friends thing.

[Schnozz]

Aw, dammit. The first sentence is supposed to just be a SENTENCE, not a question. See what happens when I delurk?

[Jessica]

Dude, where do you live? I'll be your friend!
Possibly delurking (can't remember if I've ever posted before) to say that making adult friends is the hardest thing ever.
Any old school/college buds are flung far and wide accross the globe.
"All" local friends were made through the Temple we are members of and I work at and thanks to DH's childhood friend getting married.
If we didn't force ourselves to go to the Temple 'Young Adult' events we would never have met anyone here. As it is it takes superhuman efforts sometimes to 'keep up' the friendships...
Oh yeah! I also joined a book club organized by a local mom's group. They aren't exactly friends, but I can pretend once a month to have a social life! lol.

[Elizabeth]

I am not so hot with the making friends as an adult thing, but I was always a shy kid and struggled with making friends then, too. Most of my friends are people I met on the first day of 6th grade and in the dorms the first week of college, which makes me think I only make friends with people when I am forced into a new situation and forced to do so. I have one close friend from grad school, who I did meet on the first day of orientation, but didn't actually get to know until a year later, when I had a whole bunch of classes with people who weren't in my first year classes...again with the new situation thing. I do have a group of 10 other women that I "met" on the internet. I feel a little strange admitting that, but I actually "talk" to them almost every day, and I think they know more about my day-to-day life than my bestest friend from 6th grade.

[MN guy]

Hmm. Adult friendships? These are tough. I hung out with dirtbags in HS, then joined the service for 4 years. I came home with very, very few pals I actually wanted to see. Thus, I have slowly learned to make friends.

Fortunately, I'm a city dweller, so that makes it easier, as there are tons of bars and coffee shops where one can meet folks. Also, swingers are usually friendly, and looking for frienships in addition to sex, fwiw.

Best 2 bits of advice:

1)
Don't convince yourself that you suck at making adult friends, or you'll be right. Front like you're a social butterfly. Add alcohol as needed.

2)
Target has most of their toys on clearance right now. It is a good time to shop for little children's presents

[Tonya]

Stella will be 5 next week and although she might love princess paraphernalia, I do not. I agree with the poster above about something such as a pillowcase, but clothes are pretty right on too. Stella (oddly) loves clothes and they are useful and I already have a place for clothes. Clothes will not get thrown in the downstairs toybox.

Regarding friends, I joined a mom's club. There are plenty of duds there in the friendship department, but I've met 3 women there and my life is much better with them in it. Will these friendships last a lifetime? Who knows- but for the here and now I'm thankful. So nice that there are others in my life who value a cocktail as much as I value that particular salve.

Oh, and by the way, I do beleive that Patrick is smarter than me. I go pee and poop in the potty, but other than that he has got it going on.

[bri]

HI there. I am not a total lurker but enough of one that I should delurk. And also I have something to say on the friend thing.

I am, I should disclose, lucky to have had 2 close friends from high school AND college (we followed one another) live within 10 blocks of my home for the past 9 years. One just moved and it messed with my whole world. Other friends are either college friends or friends of friends. Unfortunately, as we are New Yorkers, people keep moving away to escape cost-of-living or because of odd notions of not wanting to raise children in the city... (?!). We have only a few friends we met as grown-ups and they are usually sort of work spin-offs (but usually mostly my husband's work).

That said, I have found that the best way to make friends is to be fascinating and the best way to be fascinating is to be the sort of person who recklessly discloses all of your most personal and bizarre life-stuff. I am practically gross in how much I will tell people. I will tell them all about my attempts to get pregnant. I will tell them all about how my husband used to be a girl and how he gave birth to my stepson. I will tell them about my mother's death. I will tell them about the time I had an affair. Really. I will spill it all within a few weeks of meeting someone, occasionally even sooner (I am a life-detail-whore at conferences, for example, where I need to make short-term friends *fast*). I find that this works wonders in ice-breaking because people are far more willing to tell you all their most fascinating bits when you have opened up about yours. And we ALL have them. Really.

[Becca]

Delurking here, as seems to be the trend today. I've had 2 ankle surgeries in the past 3 years and am rapidly heading toward a third. This is not to discourage Steve from having the surgery, I've got some weird things going on with two messed up ankles. But - one of the things I've had done was take out a chunk of bone that was pressing on a nerve. So if you want any details on recovery time and the like from someone who's been there, as opposed to what the surgeon's saying (and yeah, it's a mite different) then feel free to drop me a line. Come join the ankle surgery club!

[lindsay]

hi julia, i've commented before but do so rarely. that said, i check your site every day during "nap time"!

[Suzanne]

Why I have to wait for the special De-Lurking Week I don't know, but, hi! Long-time reader/admirer here.

[Meredith]

I think that I've commented before but not often. De-lurking to say hi.

[chris]

Since everyone else is doing it... Delurking to say "hi." Your blog is bookmarked and I've been waiting (im)patiently the last week for the next installment. Glad you're back. With respect to the making friends thing, most of my close ones are college left overs, but they are all over the US and we email and have reunions every year or so. It was way too easy to make fabulous friends in college. But after that, it got so hard! I made a couple in law school, but then lost touch when I started working. I made one excellent friend at work before quitting to stay home with Owen (20 months), but she is super busy. So, as a stay at home person, I often feel like a total loser because I have no friends except a toddler and my husband. Have been developing something of a friendship with a neighbor who has a son the same age as mine. She is super friendly, which makes me think that maybe I'm not friendly enough when I meet new people. Who knows? She moved into the neighborhood 6 months after me and I swear she has more neighborhood friends and knows more about whats going on than I do! Anyway, I appreciate her energy and her desire to hang out with me. The boys have fun, and we are even doing a cooking class together. For the first time in awhile, I don't feel totally lame in the friendship department.

[~L.]

De-lurking. Making new adult friendships sucks ass. My friends are all family, old college friends, work friends, and internet friends. No "met at the coffee shop" friends, etc.

I love your site. Sorry I'm lame and never comment.

[becky]

you mean we're allowed to make friends after we leave college? how come no one told me?!? i surrounded myself with these stinky pets and a life of loneliness not because i want to, i swear, and not even (only) because of the insanity, but because i live in the middle of freakin' nowhere and there's no reasonable way of meeting people outside of pretending to be a christian and going to church. and that, i must say, ain't gonna happen. i can't even find a man just for sex (because i require it to be relatively good), nevermind a friend i can actually talk to.

[Cory]

So glad to have you back, Julia. I have lots of actual friends in and out of town. Most all of my pals are from playing Ultimate or connected to other physicians (husband=doc). I work full-time and while I'll have the occaisional lunch date with a co-worker, and chip in for baby showers, I do not socialize with them outside of work.