And The Sink For Good Measure

I have missed you terribly. Terribly, I tell you.

Since 90% of my social interaction occurs within my computer (the other 10% being distributed like this: 8% - multiple daily phone calls to my mom and brother, both of whom have "jobs" that keep them "busy" so my frequent calls to discuss whether I should cut off most of my hair or just slivers of it tomorrow are usually met with "bored impatience"; 1% - phone calls/messaging with my closest friends, all of whom, incidentally, I met through this blog; 1% - timid generally inept attempts on my part to make actual friends with an actual person who could actually keep, like, a key to my house or something and who would be willing and close enough to bring it over if I ever locked myself out) I have felt the absence of the internet keenly. I keened. But that is all behind us now in the this the Age of The New Computer, so let us move bravely forward, together once more, and grieve not for what remains behind. Hey speaking of friends, do you have them? Are they leftover friends from childhood or college or did you meet them as an adult? How? Where? I invited a woman I met at a baby shower out to lunch last summer and then she invited me to lunch this autumn and then she invited us to her New Year's Eve party and now I have invited them to dinner this weekend with another couple. All rather promising but at this rate we will be exchanging personal confidences by, oh, say, the year 3000. Is it me? Is it really really hard to make friends as an adult or do I just suck? Be frank, I need to know if I am just not trying hard enough.   

In other news it is January 10th and Patrick has finally stopped asking about his advent calendar. This was the first year Patrick kinda "got" Christmas and, while he enjoyed the presents and the tree, what really made his heart beat fast and furiously was the advent calendar I picked up in impulsive response to clever front-end merchandising at the grocery store. Five hundred times a day throughout the month of December Patrick would clasp his hands together, wriggling in anticipation like a little anticipating newt, and ask, "Is it the (x)th day of the month yet, Mommy?" Patrick is... rather fond of knowing what day it is and what time it is and how many minutes are going to elapse until something else happens (he spends a little chunk of each day going back and forth between digital and analog clocks in this house trying to figure out how the hell the minutes get calculated. because he is capital C Cool like that.) That the advent calendar brought all the joy of following an easily identifiable numerical pattern with the pleasure of quantifying periods of time PLUS nasty German chocolate dating from the year 2... well! Frabjous day, that's what Patrick thought.

I always considered myself a baby person. I thought I would grieve when Patrick left babyhood. I thought I would be inconsolable when the possibility of having another baby got smaller and smaller in the rear-view. In truth, I was so excited to see the emergence of Toddler Patrick, with his white-blond curls, letter obsession and incomprehensible speech, that I hardly gave Baby Patrick another thought. Now that Preschool Patrick is blooming all over the place I realize that the earlier models were sweet and all but this new kid is absolutely outstanding. I LOVE this age. He likes to cook with me. He likes to draw funny pictures and tell me stories about them (granted they all start with an enormous letter, drawn in alphabetical order, of course, he's no anarchist, but then he adds eyes and a mouth and shoes to the letter and he draws a train or some onions or some streetlights or whatever with it and there is always an adventure involved.) He makes up tuneless songs about numbers who cry because they threw garbage into the washing machine. He hides and he seeks. He reads and he almost realizes that he can read. I would never have understood this distinction without watching it in action with Patrick, but there has been a long period of time during which he could tell you what a word was on sight or sound it out or make decent assumptions about it based upon the words that preceded it. So he could pick up just about anything and "read" it. But only recently has he begun to understand that these words have meaning apart from just being articulated. So the reading thing is delightful and keeps him busy for, I kid you not, an hour and a half every morning when he wakes up. We can hear him on the baby monitor pulling books off his shelf and when we finally go into get him (after a refreshing sleep-in) he will be sitting in the rocking chair with Bear, reading himself a story with a pile of books next to him. Math is his real passion though. He can add and subtract to about 20. He is unbelievable with spatial relationships (my mom got him this box of shapes for Christmas that you use to build other shapes, like a couple of rhombuses (rhombii?) and a few triangles and poof you have a train) and Patrick sat down and did like thirty of them in a row. And this weekend he started coming up with series of numbers (like 1 3 5 7 and 4 8 12 16) all by his wee self. It would be ridiculous for me to pretend that Patrick is not a little ahead of the curve in some areas. Steve and I spend a lot of time doing our best impersonation of being warmly impressed but not TOO impressed (our instinct is that we should encourage him to be proud of himself but not get all freaky about it) while are both inwardly going Oh my god oh my god oh my god! We think he is amazing. I don't know what being precocious in math gets you out of life but I hope it is something nice because he is a very delightful person and I want good things for him.

That said, there are still lots of things from which he has barely progressed from infancy. He refuses to drink out of a regular cup and on the rare occasion when I try to press the issue he will unblinkingly pour the juice all over his head rather than drink it. He has only just learned to throw a ball (funny story, actually. we have been trying to get him interested in playing with balls for a while, I guess because it seems like something he would like once he got the hang of it. two days ago he threw a ball at me for the very first time all of his own initiative, trouble being that I was typing on my brand new computer at the time and he threw the ball hard enough to crack the monitor screen. so, um, damn it) and the only way he can catch is if the ball somehow gets stuck in his shirt. He has categorically refused to ever climb on or near anything resembling a pushcart, tricycle, ride-on or scooter. He also continues to refuse to do anything but pee in the potty. And he is not so consistently hot at that either, having wet his pants as recently as this weekend. 

So, as always and as with everybody, ahead and behind and just about average. 

Speaking of Patrick I thought I might as well proffer some hard-earned maternal wisdom in hopes that it may serve you. Patrick, although I have not really mentioned it much because I find the subject distasteful, has suffered from bowel irregularity for over two years. Badly. Once every four days, dreadful badly. We went to the pediatrician over and over about it and we have tried everything including a prescription laxative for months on end. The whole situation was very unpleasant and rather mystifying because Patrick seriously had a diet that was more fiber than food, washed down with oceans of fructose laden juices. Nothing seemed to help, though, and right before Thanksgiving we had an incident in which the poor kid strained so hard he actually vomited in the process. Not good. So! I had just decided that we would have to move on to the next step and schedule him with a pediatric gastoenterologist and work from there. Then I googled something that mentioned that a small number of children respond to milk allergies in this way. Although we had significantly reduced Patrick's dairy intake years ago we had never thought to remove it entirely. I switched him to soy milk three weeks ago and voila! it seems to have completely solved the problem. Completely. I offer this for what it is worth (here, I'll even throw in the google term "toddler constipation"). My public service for the day.         

What else? Steve has a bone spur growing into a ligament in his ankle and it is making him walk funny. Funny gimpy, not funny Ha Ha, regrettably. Even more regrettable is the fact that Steve has taken this as a portent that he needs ankle surgery and has scheduled it for two weeks from now. At first I absentmindedly said, "Yes yes, whatever makes you happy" but the more I hear about his recovery time the more my brow furrows. THREE WEEKS without being able to go upstairs or downstairs. That means THREE WEEKS in which I have to get Patrick in the morning and put him to bed at night and do the whole day in between. As I explained above, I love the child, I adore him, I dote upon each and every eyelash, but taking care of him unassisted from his first peep to his last bedtime story? Ugh.

I told Steve that I have thought about it and after a careful cost-benefit analysis I have decided it would be best for him to just skip the surgery. The cost of my having to do everything by myself for three whole weeks (maybe four!) is simply not outweighed by the benefit of his being able to walk pain-free. As I pointed out, his ankle hasn't been bothering me at all, and that must count for something. He said he would consider it, but I don't know... I am not sanguine. He can be so selfish sometimes.

I am now five days post ovulation in our attempt to achieve an eleventh pregnancy, seven years after beginning to try to conceive in the first place. What I find amusing is that I am still all a-twittered by it. I like trying to have a baby. I love the suspense of the wait. And I am completely cool with it not working. I can handle it if I never get pregnant again. I am also fine with the idea of getting pregnant but having another miscarriage (um, another first trimester miscarriage. I think another later loss would cause me to hang up the ol' bed and call it a day.) It has taken a long time but I am also  finally comfortable with the idea of Patrick being an only child. In fact, I should be so lucky as to have that be the worst thing to happen to me in life, you know?

So I think I am covered. No pregnancy? Check. Pregnant but miscarriage? Check. Worst case scenario Only One Child? Check. Long-shot success culminating in second baby? WOW.      

I hope you are all well. I really have missed you. Let me know about forming adult friendships, I am curious to hear your thoughts. Oh, and Patrick has been invited to a classmate's birthday party. What is a good present for an about-to-be-four-year-old girl? I am guessing she probably is not interested in an abacus or trucks, so I'm fresh out of ideas.

PS I see from comment two (Hi SarahA) that it is delurking week. So delurk, damn it. I am feeling lonely.

Comments

[chris]

Me again. I forgot to add that my husband was a math person from the time he was young. He would do math puzzles, spatial problems, etc. and I believe that is why he is brilliant today (at least I think so). His parents really let him explore these interests without any pressure (they were ex-hippies and he was home schooled). He got like a perfect score on his math SATs (whatever, like that's even hard) and went on to get a math degree and do graduate work in number theory/mathematics. He loved math and it opened up an intellectual world that I can't even remotely understand.

[kimberly]

Oh, thank god you are back! I missed this blog so much!

My friends are college and childhood people, but none live near me. I've made some new friends through my daughter. I'm close with some of the moms in our weekly playgroup, which has been lucky. Although I wonder what will happen as our kids grow older and (likely) apart. However, about 99% of my mom's current friends are the parents of kids with whom I attended high school, so there is some hope.

On the gift front, art supplies always work, but we've been giving Polly Pockets lately because even though I do not want these things in my house, my daughter's friends go crazy for them.

[Dixie]

Look at me bravely delurking!

Most of my friends are online - even friends that I originally knew up close and personal when I lived in the US. I live in Germany now and take care of my quadriplegic husband so the online sort of interactions are necessary. Every year it seems less and less weird.

[JK]

De-lurking to say hello again. (It's been almost 2 years since we met in Berkeley at the Claremont. Yes, I am still the same JK. Your progesterone expert. Wishing you luck with this cycle.)

My suggestion about 4yo girls (since I have one as of yesterday) is Dora... My little one and all of her friends are into all things Dora and Diego. Ask the Mom what her little girl thinks of D & D. The best xmas present my 4yo got was a Pixter. The second best one was a Dora sleeping bag with an air mattress inside of it. She has this Dora sleeping bag set up in her tent and will often go take a rest in her tent. I love it!

As far as adult friends... It's hard. Many times, adult friendships require you to listen to people talk about stuff about which you don't actually care. Companionship is nice though and you can always just talk to those folks on a cell phone and cut them short by saying bad connection... Sorry gotta go:-).

As far as the slow connection with the woman you wrote about... I have one friend that I met in '96, and re-met in '97 and became friends with her slowly from then until now. We went out with them as a couple from '97-ish until 2001 and then she and I just really became better friends after we both had kids in 2002-ish. Now I talk to her on a daily basis. It takes time.

[Arwen]

Okay, delurking.

I am good at math - when I was a young child I would make my parents ask me "math questions" for fun - and it has never gotten me anything wonderful in life. But I was almost certainly not as precocious as Patrick, and anyway I decided I didn't care enough about math to make it a Big Part of my life, so perhaps I don't deserve good things out of it. I hope it will bring wonderful things for him.

[Julie M]

Hi Julia,
It's been a while since I commented. I can't remember if I told you James was born 9.9.5 after 3 years of trying. He is a good egg and we are enjoying him (most days!)

About friends: I have always been pretty solitary. Never good at making friends, but I certainly have fewer now than when I was younger and a student. I am often alone, but very rarely do I feel lonely. Coincidentally, I have a "blind date" with another newish mom tomorrow at Starbucks. We both put our profiles up on a local mom meeting moms website and voila. I doubt it'll be instant friendship (I am picky and the person has to be at least somewhat quirky to be interesting), but I'll enjoy the experience of breaking out of my comfort zone.

If you are interested in seeing pics of James, I can email them to you.

[Julie M]

Meant to say "pun intended" to the good egg comment ;)

[Hay Lady]

Ok, I'll come out of the lurking closet, too. I have been reading your blog for a few months and love it! I have been blessed with 2 boys and hope the same for you. I have been inspired by a few of you to start my own blog. It's got to be cheaper than therapy, right? And blogspot makes it too darn easy, even for a cyber-tard like myself.

You are not alone in the making friends IRL situation. Although I did meet new people through my son's preschool, it's not like we are having lunch and making steady play dates. I have met my nearest & dearest friends through the internet. We were having this discussion a while back and I was curious why it was so much different than meeting someone, let's say, at the park? Is it because you can actually see & touch that person? I don't know. We all have to meet & connect with people somewhere.

Anyway, missed you while you were gone and looking forward to this new year with you!

[het]

In honor of de-lurking week - here I am! I'm so glad to see you back in the world of blog.

The friend thing in adulthood - HARD. Partly because I'm still teeming with the insecurity that jr. high left me with in terms of meeting new people... but also because other adults at this point have friends - and lives.

Glad to see you back - sorry about the monitor - that sucks.

Good luck adding to the fam - that's always a fun process and it sounds like your attitude is perfect for the challenge.

So - Happy New Year!

[marian]

I have realized that I LIKE invisible people! Words on a screen, baby--the best. Other than them, and many acquaintances, the older I get the more I feel as though (and this is scary, in a way) my husband is my best friend. Poor guy.

Seriously, though, I'd love to have girlfriends the way I did when I was younger. The whole thing got so disrupted by parenting and earning a living that it's hard to get the hang of it again.

[Jujubee]

You're back! I missed your clever repartee. How's that for pathetic? To the people in the computer that I admire I am just another anonymous commenter.

Anyway, regarding friends in real life. I am still good friends with people from high school and college, but since I live thousands of miles from where I went to either, I never see any of them. We email or call occasionally, and when we do get together (mostly the holidays, but sometimes in between) we have long, wonderful, heartfelt conversations and such. But for local friends I could actually see, eh, not so much. At each one of my jobs, I've always made office friends: people I quite enjoy going out to lunch with or taking a break with. But once we don't have office politics to gripe about or people to gossip about, well, those friendships fade. Though I do have two friends that I met through work who are real friends. Even better, we all get along with each others spouses. So for a while my husband and I had a real social group that we would go out with on the weekends and invite over to each others' houses and have a really loud, laughing good time with. But then once couple moved to San Francisco and another couple moved to NYC and now they're added to my group of "away" friends. We've tried going out with some of my husband's workmates and spouses, but we just haven't hit it off with any of them.

Now that I'm a stay-at-home mom (daughter is 5 months old), egads it gets lonely. I joined a mom and baby group and met some really nice people. Though the official sessions are over some of us still try to meet at the local mall on a regular basis. They're nice people and all, but no real clicking. We all try to think of things to talk about to fill the time, so we just mostly talk about our babies. It's hard to keep a critical mass though, so I don't know if that will continue. I hope so, because even if making conversation is like pulling teeth sometimes, it's nice to have some adult conversation.

[leslie]

Delurking to say I love your blog, and I am also horrible at making adult friends. I have two best friends from high school. Everyone else is just an acquaintance or a work colleague. I am horrible with making new friends. I prefer to be solitary most of the time. Maybe I am a freak after all!!

[Toni]

I'm starting to think we are similar people. Maybe not exactly the same person (we do have different names), but we do have husbands named Steve...our children have similar issues (too smart in some aspects - not quite there in others) - AND THEY HAVE THE SAME THROW UP ISSUE. I actually have an appointment with the ped. gastro on Tuesday of next week (will let you know what they say) b/c she throws up sometimes when she goes. My ped say no way about the milk...but I'm second guessing her...

And for the friends...most of my close ones are over the internet. I have a couple here in 'real life' - but not as many as I think one should have in life. Hmmm...I wonder why this is.

My Steve is going in for the snip soon. I want more - he's done. Guess who won that fight??

[kate]

Delurking,

I have been reading your site for along time...even my husband reads it. Sometimes he even runs around saying"No Patrick no people are trying to read" The internet is a scarey place!

Now, I am going to go comb through the replies with the hope that someone will tell me how tomake adult female friends.

Kate

[lindy]

It's so great to see an updated from you. And I'm with Emily, I've been quite curious about your reproductive goings-on. You sound like you've acheived a marvelous zen-like state about the whole nasty business.

And again, I just have to say that I'm feelin' the Patrick love. My son can throw a ball and drink out of a regular cup and his love for ride-on toys and tricycles is immeasurable, but I'd trade it all for songs about numbers.

My husband was something of an early math whiz and he's turned out quite well. With the exception of a couple of years in 5th and 6th grade (and that probably had as much to do with dental headgear as math ability) he's was even considered to be reasonably cool among his small private school crowd.

[JD]

Delurking to say hello! Remember me? I'm still reading you! ;0)

[KellyH]

Julia's back, whoo-hoo!

I'm with you on this particular age- my eldest daughter just turned 3, and she is funny and smart and delightful (except for when she's saying "g**dammit" in front of my mom. I play it off and blame my husband). Today she said, "I'm growing too fast," something the grandmas say to her, and I told her that the faster she grows, the more I like it. I love seeing her grow up and change.

I'd like more adult friends, and I know I could meet more moms in a mothers group, but I am not willing to play the mothers group politics. Ugh.

[laura gf]

Delurking, per your request. Making friends is hard. Nearly a year before we had our daughter, my husband and I moved to the suburbs of a new state and I stopped working. This last bit was less a plan and more a clever ploy on my part. Anyway, it was very difficult before I had the baby, now my closest friends in this area are women who joined my new moms' group. I know you've got Patrick, I can't remember if you've done a moms group or not, but that might be a way to go.

[Danielle]

I have three best friends. Two of them from high school and the third one we picked up at college.

All three of us have an easier time with men I guess that's what brought us together!

I moved a lot during my childhood, changed schools 5 times in grade school and since girls can be such groupies I never quite fit in. So I became a tomboy and played and excelled at sports; hence easily fit in with the boys.

I made a few friends in my early 20s but most I've had to cut off. I made a few more in my late 20s and strangely enough, all the ones I've bonded with the most are the ones who've lived some kind of intense life event. And it's not as if I knew about this event when we met! I guess there's just something about them that inspired me: Intelligent, strong willed and really grounded women.

I still haven't quite figured out why it's so hard to make friends as adults but gave up a few years ago. I went through a couple of tough years because out of the 4, I was the only one with children. Now they've caught up.

In my case, I already have three strong friendships and a family so despite my sporadic longing for change and meeting new faces, I have a hard time committing due to a lack of time I guess. Also, I'm an introvert and need some space.

[-erica]

I forget if I have ever de-lurked before, but I have been reading you for ages. About finding adult friends: It is hard, but not impossible. Join a MOMS Club or other local mommy group. Some of the women will be b*tches, some of them you simply won't have anything in common with, and maybe one or two of them you will click with, and end up being good buddies.

I have learned from life-long experience that if I can't stand a woman on first impression, and/or think think she is really weird, I usually end up being good friends with that person. So now I know what to look for! I must be weird, too.

I just discovered a problem tonight, though - all my local friends are women AND are mommies. Why is this a problem you ask? Well, I dropped my kids off in early evening at a birthday party for two hours, and since my husband is out of town, I figured I would find a friend and go to happy hour and have some treasured adult conversation. Well, my friends in my little black book were all unavailable for that sort of activity due to small children being attached to their ankles.

Oh well. Target welcomed me with open arms.

[Karen]

Delurking....

I have a not quite four year-old girl who is indeed into everything Disney princess but alas, like a previous poster, I am not. (I don't mind proper princesses, but the Disney ones get on my nerves, and they are *everywhere*.) I'd go for dress-up clothes. Nearly all girls that age love to dress up. Fairy wings, tiaras, magic wands, tutus--anything in that category is likely to be a big hit. You might also try Woodkins or Groovy Girls.

[kim]

Hi Julia! I believe I've commented before, so technically this isn't a delurking. Just wanted to say that I completely understand why you're baffled by adult friendships. The only friend that I've actually made on my own was someone I met through work and it took us forever to not talk about work. We finally broke the awkward ice by experiencing an unpleasant gastrological problem together, and I tell you, there's nothing that brings two people closer together than squishing together and vomiting in the same toilet. (Gross, I know.)
Anyhow, I adore your blog and missed you terribly. I'm younger and childless thus far, and I can only hope that I will be as awesome at mothering as you.

[Lena]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one with the friend issue. It used to be so easy to make a girlfriend - tell a dirty joke, trade a couple insults regarding the "other" girls, and voila! new friend. Off to the bar we'd go. Now, the discussion is all Pottery Barn catalogs, new Gymboree lines, and crown moulding. What I've noticed is that once my daughter started school, that invited a whole new crop of families into our lives. Pretty soon Patrick will be bringing home party invites constantly and that is the BEST way to meet other moms that you have something in common with. Even if they may not have your charming wit. LOL

As for four year old girls, ANYTHING Polly Pocket.

[Lena]

BTW, funny about the delurking! I've been reading your blog since pregnancytoday.com. A hundred years ago! Maybe it was your silence that drew us out. Who knew? :)

[Beth]

I'm a lurker (or possibly a stalker, but why quibble over syntax). You give good blog.

[Kel]

Delurking to say hello too. Love your blog, would totally be your friend. As a matter of fact I have a hard time explaining my "relationship" to the women whose blogs I'm addicted too.

The Mommy Blogs have replaced my need for new friends (not entirely, but in all practical ways). I hope that's not hideously isolating or odd sounding.

I have three kids (4 year son, 6 mth old twin girls) and I work full time. I got no time for my "real" flesh and blood friends and we all hate that but accept its part of the "having kids under 5" life. I hope to actually see them on a regular basis as the age of our children becomes less restrictive (we can all go to movies together once everyone is past 7 or so, etc.)

But for now, I know that's not going to happen. So blogs (the whole inferity posse which I stumbled upon during my quest for what became the twins) became my defacto girlfriends. The ones I'd want to have lunch with, the ones I wanted to know more about, the ones who shared personal secrets that I don't need to know from my co-workers.

Rather than feel isolated or removed from you all because you are in the computer (which would have been how I would have thought of someone describing "friends" they've never "met"), I feel like part of a community of very clever, sassy women... some who originate the blogs and others who just devour and post back.

Thanks for that.

Patrick is too smart (I'm sure Einstein was slow on the cup thing and never played baseball) and handsome and I'd totally want him to date my daughters or, hell, even my son.

Kel

[Blue_Stocking]

Well it seems that I'm not the only one who stinks at making friends. I moved from the bottom of the country to the top at 29 and still (12 years later) haven't made many friends in the new place. Acquaintances, lovely women, but nobody with whom I can discuss the gritty details. That is reserved for the long term friends who sadly live 3 hours in the air away. I wouldn't worry except that I don't know anybody with kids and what if my kid is deprived because of it and becomes a Republican or something equally distressing?

On the only child thing, I am and always have been ok with it. I'm 41 with an 8 month old, so yeah, have Patrick do the math, I've got an only kid. Glad you're enjoying him so much, and are ok with his potential only-ness.

[k]

Frequent reader, seldom commenter, love to read your site. My husband laughed hard when I read him the "if you do that kind of thing" posts (Steve's admirer).

I suck at making adult friends (women, specifically). When someone reaches out to me, I'm so afraid that they don't really want to be friends (or won't once they know me better) that I basically ruin it (because it's oh-so-much better to not have them find out about my social awkwardness).

It's like the cliche plot to a horrible after-school special.

It's ridiculous.

Your baby shower friend sounds great. You've had the guts to keep asking her to do stuff ... I'm impressed. Keep it up.

[elisabeth]

everyone is sitting around talking but friendship and seems to be ignoring the HAIR comment. WTF woman, you can't cut your hair off! are you mad?? Good lord, I think we need to go out drinking so I can talk some sense into you. Monday night? The Vintage??

[iheartnewyork]

Hi Julia -- longtime lurker here. I'm such a dork, I get excited when I see via Bloglines that you've posted a new blog entry. Heh. You and Finslippy, so you're in great company.

Anyway, 4 year old girl? I agree with the Polly Pockets or Groovy Girls suggestions. My almost 5 year old loves them. She also loves the whole princess thing, but a mom can only handle so much pink and sparkle. Blech. Also, a great book for a girl who's TOO into princesses is "The Paper Bag Princess." Sometimes happiness does not = marrying Prince Charming. Love that.

[marianita]

I am neither in your age group nor time zone nor do I have a child but I think I would rather befriend you than any other blogger out there. Thank you for updating us about Patrick's gifts- and please don't feel weird or guilty about bragging. He sounds fantastic and you make us very happy when you share your joy about him with us.
(ok, back to lurking...)

[Heather]

Hi there - I don't comment much, but thought I'd de-lurk for the occasion and all. You may or may not (probably not!)recall that you were the one that pulled me from the "Pregnancy Today" diaries or whatever it was called into the blogosphere where I found all these amazing women (of which you are one!) I still think you are one of the best writers I've read.

Glad you're back, and Patrick is amazing. Truly.

And my friends? All but one are from college. The one that is not from my college days I met at the gym of all places. And that's mainly because there were only 5 women in the class, the rest were men. It was a boxing class - a real boxing class with gloves, mouth peices, sparring, and all. Anyway, needless to say, making adult friends is really difficult.

[Juno]

I used to think that forming adult friendships was hard, but I think the real difficulty is meeting people as an adult - or finding the right ones - once you find them the friendship forms itself.

Unless you're lucky, work doesn't really work because employment is fundamentally about common experience not commonality - how many of us are lucky enough to find a job that really reflects our passions? Activites can be better because they reflect in many cases actual interests - hobbies, volunteer work, reading groups, etc. Parenting groups are tricky because the common tie of parenting is NO promise of similarity in other ways.

I've been lucky - I found a neighborhood that was unexpectadly well provided with the like mindedly odd...but blogging was a breakthrough for me in this area. I've made friends I never dreamed existed since I began - but it didn't happen until I started to take steps to meet other bloggers in person - you can only go so far with email.

So it is possible.

[cf]

When you meet someone reasonably nice, ask for her number (mention possibly arranging a play date etc.). Call her a week or so later just to say hi and see how things are going. Open up about yourself a bit (socially acceptable stuff like complaining about how being stuck inside through months of snow with Patrick is driving you crazy, whatever). Ask her friendly, non-intrusive questions about herself. Chat about 10 minutes. End by saying, it was great talking to you, I feel so much better having spoken to another adult, we should really get together sometime...but don't make definite plans. Sound friendly but busy.

I learned this from a sociable friend. I don't make friends easily, but moving to a new city and being a WAHM necessitated learning new skills.

People feel flattered that you called. They love feeling useful and singled out. Also, they like not feeling pressured to make plans to meet. It makes you seem more desirable as a friend.

Call one or two more times and then make definite plans to get together. The intimacy will have been started over the phone, you'll both feel more comfortable talking about things that matter. When you do get together in person, try not to talk too much about kids. You really don't want a friendship based on the same tired conversation about potty training etc.

Have you considered a book club or writer's workshop? Some are good.

[christie]

Precocious in math = Bill Gates??? I mean, how awful would it be for your kid to be a multimillionaire? Not so terrible, eh?

Making friends as a growed up is virtually impossible, I'm either at home being a single mom or at working earning a living...where in the heck am I going to meet people, not work like people, but people I'd like to go out and play with?

Being 3 and meeting them on the play ground was so much easier!

[Dillygirl]

So glad you're back!

I've found that it's hard to devote a lot of time for friends, so it makes it hard to start new friendships unless the person has a personality that really clicks with mine. Gone are the days when I could sit on the phone with a friend for hours and discuss nail polish, boys and clothes. I guess blogging has sort of replaced that "friend" for me. Hubby and I tend to hang out with friends together, so we go out with other couples a lot. I do wish I has that "bosom buddy" type of friend again. I'm hoping motherhood (and being a full time mom) will offer me a new outlet for meeting new people.

Oh, and gifts for a 4 year old girl? How fun! I suggest dress up stuff like a fairy or princess outfit (I saw some adorable dress up outfits on www.magiccabin.com... www.lillianvernon has nice stuff too). Imagination is the best toy! It always was for me when I was a little girl.

[MamaChristy]

All but freaking impossible to make friends as an adult, especially if you are a SAHM or WAHM who can't afford to go to the gym. My last two close girlfriends were found by 1)meeting her on an airplane and 2) at my last job.

Sounds like Patrick is at FABU. And isn't it amazing what milk alergies will do to a poor kid? One friend of mine has a little girl who breaks out in horrible hives. One kid I know had wheezing and coughing. I have read also that it is estimated that about 1/3 of the kids diagnosed with autism have an incorrectly diagnosed milk allergy. WIERD.

Oh, the four year old gift? I gave a little girl who just turned four a Groovy Girl (http://www.geniusbabies.com/groovy-girl-yvette-.html) -about $10 or so at Target - and she LOVED it. Very popular with the preschool girl set.

[Sarah]

Delurking to say, I've missed you too. I think I have checked to see if you have updated a zillion time.

On the friends thing, I think it is oh so hard as an adult. But I didn't think it was very easy as a kid either.

I have a 4 year old girl. Umm...you can go girly and do princesses or strawberry shortcake. But puzzles and books are welcome. Art supplies, washable if you want the mom to like you.

[Jen H.]

Not sure if I qualify as a lurker, since we were neighbours together on the old Preg Today site. But I'll delurk because I'm not sure I've ever commented on here.

Your adult friends topic is apropos for me right now since A. I'm a stay-at-home mom and B. I just moved to a new town and know very few people. I think I made a couple of good friends at every point in life (high school, university, work, internet (!), etc.) and kept them. But everyone moves, or goes back to work, or doesn't (as in my case) and right now I'm left with nobody to hang out with except my MIL (who is rather nice, anyway). So I am on a mission to make friends here in my new town, but I am rather shy, so there you have it. I've joined the gym, I'm attending playgroups, and that's the best I can do. Currently I've got one new friend but she is going back to work next week so she won't be around. I think your situation might be compounded by the fact that you live in a rural area? Thank god for the internet, anyway.

[Jenn]

Oh I forgot -- about the gifts -- I just gave a four year old girl a paper doll set. It was at the bookstore and came with all sorts of nifty (yes I said nifty) backgrounds for playing make believe. SH eapparently loves it. They have post it like stickers in it to affix the clothes.

Also -- at Michael's they have these scratch craft thingies. Someone gave her that and it is her favorite thing. I have no idea what they are actually called!

Jenn

[victoria]

Breaking my self-imposed 3 month hiatus for only because it is de-lurking week to agree that, Yes, making friends as an adult is hard.

[MFA Mama]

I hear you on the friends thing. Just blogged about it, myself. Most of my adult interaction IRL is with the husband, or my mom and aunt over the phone, and then once in a blue moon lunch with another adult female, usually with children along. Most of my social life (and my work life) actually takes place online, where I've met some amazing people (some of whom are becoming fast friends and others who have cut me dead after finding out how uncool I really am, SIGH). So I'm no one to give you any advice, although cf a few comments up sounds like the friendship guru and I'll be trying his/her suggestions with a couple of moms I stalk at preschool in the very near future. I'm all a-twitter at the reproductive update, and will be wondering through the 2ww along with you. Good luck!

[jac]

I delurk! (I am in Australia so have an excuse for being late. I'm not sure what it is yet but it will involve convicts.)

I relurk! Shields reactivated.

[Denise]

Hi, not really delurking because I've commented before, but not about the "how many times do you have sex" thing -- too intimidating.

I've moved a lot since getting out of college, and making new friends is always tough. When I moved to this town I got a dog and...voila...instant friends. However, then a bunch of dog friends had children and suddenly, friendships are falling apart. I don't think, necessarily, that the mommy groups are a great way to meet people. If you manage to schedule something formal and no kids are sick or taking naps or what have you, then all anyone ends up talking about are the children. And if you try to keep up informal friendships it seems to be impossible for anyone to do anything spontaneously.

To paraphrase one of my friends, having children means that all the aspects of a friendship that used to be implicit are now made explicit. That means you have to be very clear about what you need from your friends. If you're suicidal you don't call someone and say, hey, what's up? and get disappointed when she's too busy to get together; you call and say, "Get over here and talk me off the ledge, damn it."

[Natalee]

Ok, skipping over the previous 94 (!!) posts to tell you, "THANK GOD YOU ARE BACK!!!!" Seriously, I missed you! What was I to do w/o my "Patrick Tales", and "Steve Stories", not to mention "Really Delicious Sounding Receipes That I Will Never Cook Because I Am Too Fucking Lazy"?

Anyway, about friendships: I have tried reconnecting w/some of my childhood friends whom I thought were like sisters back in the day (we were inseperable, etc), but inevitably they don't work out. We've all grown and changed too much.

However, my current BFF is someone I work with and have a tremendous bond with. Aimee and I are extremely close, and have a TON in common. It's nice to know that I can make adult friends just as easily as I did as a child. Aimee and I do tons of outside work activities and chat entirely too much instead of doing our jobs while we are there. I'm also very close to my brother's wife, whom I adore. She's the best thing to ever happen to my brother and has given him two beautiful children. She and I have gotten along famously from day one, so I'm very lucky in that respect. In fact, sometimes it's hard for me to remember she's family, I adore her so.

BTW, if I were up there in the great white north, I would LOVE to be your in-person friend. We could sit around, chat about Packy, and eat your delicous food for hours. You are fab, darling. Too bad we can only be internet friends. *sigh*

Please don't ever leave again, ok? *smooches*

[statia]

Delurking.

I have very few friends since moving from Philadelphia to California. (well, I have few friends out here). It took me a long time to meet people. We have one couple we hang out with regularly, even though they have kids, they're still cool with being sensitive about our barren situation.

I did recently meet a lovely group of infertile bloggers in the bay area, and am meeting up with one of them for lunch. It's slow going, but most of my close friends were people I met in my 20's.

[Meganann]

Hi Julia!
I'm Megan and I can't make friends either. We need something like AA for the socially inept. "Hi I'm Megan, and my only friend is married to me" etc. I've commented a couple of times but read your blog often. You are one witty woman. You live in the town (read: metropolitan area) I grew up in, which often makes me homesick.

I did hear one good bit of advice for getting kids to drink from cups a few weeks ago: goofy straws. Good luck with that.

Keep on writing!

[Samara]

Delurking to say Good lord I have missed you!!!! Seriously there's only so many pages of archives I can read to refresh myself... It's sad I've taken to reading your blog to my husband - which he nods appropriately - but truly gets a kick out of Patrick.

As for friends as an adult... uhmmm I have one to two work friends... but only one of them do I do anything outside of work with... one from college... and one from high school... the rest I've only met online but those women know me probably better than most. Sad very very sad. Husband is even sadder... think I am only friend he routinely interacts with... he has work friends, but does not ever do anything outside of work with them... so that leaves childhood friends and those live outside the state... so that leaves ME... So since we live in each other's pockets we have only each other for friendship... very very solitary people that we are...

So good luck with that new friendship... If you suddenly find the answer to how to do this whole adult friendship thing... let me know I need pointers! Oh yes and good luck as you wait... your attitude about all this has helped me to keep perspective... and that's a good thing.

[Shelly]

Making friends is hard when I lead a pretty secluded life due to my son's Chronic illness and the fact he can't be around germs much. However, I do have internet friends. I keep in contact with my very first best friend from 30+ years ago. Too bad she lives in the midwest and not here on the Pacific coast. My very best friend is my DH, but I do crave adult conversation with other adults.

Good luck~

[Dee]

I don't know what happened to me. I was reasonably outgoing as a child, but have become steadily more introverted as time goes on. I have one friend from childhood (literally, from age 2) and neither one of us can go for long without each other's company. I have a few other close friends but not many (my sister is one of them, and she is sort of required to like me). I keep in touch via email with a couple of high-school friends. I have work friends, but we don't socialize with them. At this point, I am even jealous of your blogging friends. I don't comment a lot (working on it) and I just started blogging, but no one has come to visit me yet (insert blatent beg for anyone who might be interested in hearing me whine about my adoption). I'm not sure there is any conclusion to draw from all this except what everyone else has said...the adult friendship thing is hard.

So glad you're back!