The Twelve Hour Post

Hi.

I noticed a weird skin lesion on my shoulder just after the New Year so I called to make an appointment with an actual dermatologist. As much as I like my primary care physician (which is honestly just "some"- I like him "some") I can only conclude from the heinous scar on my abdomen that he flunked Knife 101 in med school. Probably more than once. So if we are going to be doing a lot of excavations into my pinky-white flesh (and I suspect we will be over the years) I think it is best to establish care with someone who deals exclusively in skin and scalpels. Originally my appointment was scheduled for the third week of March but when the shoulder thing started bleeding a few days ago I called the office to see if they might possibly get me in sooner. My experience with Steve the other week has taught me that the magic word with scheduling is "emergency" and lo and sure enough it worked. I met the new doctor this morning and moments later he was neatly slicing into me. He also checked me all over for anything else that might be strange and I now proudly hold a clean bill of epidermal health. Except for the shoulder thing, which is pending and might be awful. I mean it just started oozing blood for no reason whatsoever. Most disturbing. Like a horror movie shown during Health.

Good grief, Health! I haven't thought about that class in years. I think the suburbs are a little bit more refined in their approach to educating America's blossoming man and womanhood but in the District public schools nobody gave a fuck so we just saw an abnormal quantity of photographs of diseased penises. One of the gym teachers would stand in front of the room shouting "Guys! Do you want your johnson to look like that? Ladies? Do you want to pop that in your pocket? DO YOU??? Then don't have sex. Ever. Now put your heads on your desks until the bell rings."

No news on that front, by the way. The sex/pregnancy front, I mean, not the diseased penis front. There is no diseased penis front. At least, not... nevermind. I did not get pregnant last month and I think I ovulated during the Days of Contagion so it is unlikely I got pregnant this month either. You know what? I used to avidly read "trying to conceive" diaries and I thought they were absolutely fascinating but I now have no idea how that could be possible. Unless you are using ART it is a rather cut-and-dried proposition, a flowchart if you will: Ovulating? Yes/No- Sex? Yes/No- Pregnant? Yes/No--- repeat until you succeed or give up. Not all that gripping.

I was reading a nasty little blog a few weeks ago... wait, let me digress. This is a legitimate question, why do people write nasty little blogs? I mean blogs that exist solely to write nasty things about other blogs? Just the other day I was criticized in somebody's super secret side blog (not so secret I guess, whoops) for bragging unduly about how smart Patrick is. I don't remember the exact wording but it was something along the lines of how sick they were of hearing about my "darling boy". They also noted that lots of kids read early so Patrick isn't even all that bright. Which was a relief, frankly, because I had been worried that we might need to make an effort to see that Patrick is challenged in school but, whew, dodged that bullet. Please allow me to stress, because I might have been a little vague about this the last time we spoke of it, that I think it is absolutely amazing and wonderful that Patrick can work multi-factor equations in his head and I am so proud of myself for being his mother and I am certain that his precocious mathematical abilities are linked to the fact that I have personally done everything right from the moment of his conception. Because highly intelligent people are always happy and successful and by creating a highly intelligent child I have fulfilled my goddamned destiny so I am just thrilled about the whole thing and I pity you if you have a child who can *just* draw or sing or throw well or be kind. I am glad we have cleared that up.

Not to sound prissy, but I write this blog because I like to do it. That's it. My only reason for keeping this blog is that it gives me pleasure to write it and even more pleasure to read your comments. I don't want to educate anyone, sell anything, write the Great American Blog or give a voice to an unrepresented anything. I just like to write here. I like your comments and your advice and I like it when you make me laugh. It is pretty simple.

Anyway I was reading a different, nastier blog a while ago and it expressed extreme irritation at infertility bloggers and how hurt they seem to be all the time. Specifically, the writer was outraged by the fact that 9 out of 10 infertile bloggers will inevitably write a post that goes something like: "Fuck (my sister-in-law/neighbor/boss) is pregnant. Fuck." I did not dignify this blog with a comment but I have been thinking about it ever since. I think the immediacy of infertility escapes people who have not experienced it. Take, for example, the case of a bereaved pet owner. If you came upon your friend 15 minutes after his dog was killed and you found him weeping uncontrollably for his loss you would say: there, there, I know it is hard, Bowser was a great dog, one of the best, there there. If you came upon this same friend 15 years later and he was still in a state of inconsolable grief.... well, you might think it was time for him to get a grip. Hell, if you wanted to be trendy you could start a whole blog called My Ex-RoomMate Had A Dog Die in the 1980s and He Still Isn't Over It- What a Loser and then you could password protect it but let so many people have passwords that inevitably someone would mail the entire contents to the friend and he could see what an asshole everyone thinks he is. Wouldn't that be fun? Oops, I digressed again. 

Anyway, few people get an infertility diagnosis all at once. It comes in dribs and drabs. Some hope, some hopelessness, some hope again. There is rarely a crystallized dead-dog moment that you get to move on from, it is much more fluid than that and therefore it takes a long time to process. So that knee-jerk "Fuck!" is never far off. 

I am feeling pretty good about just having Patrick. It was not the ideal for us, but we feel lucky and we are happy with what we have been given. We will keep trying for another child for as long as that makes sense for us, but I have really accepted the fact that it probably will not happen. I feel nicely balanced in this area, finally. That said, I know my sister-in-law is trying to get pregnant with her second child and there is a tiny part of me all balled up waiting for that jubilant phone call. And when it happens I am sure I will want to run over here and say "FUCK!" really loudly. Just because.

I frequently open my mouth and start singing whatever comes to mind. This afternoon it was that 70s song that goes "Last night I couldn't get to sleep at all no no nooooooooo". Patrick instantly responded by singing, tunelessly of course, "Last night I went to sleep and then I woke up in the morning and I had breakfast and played yes yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees". Hmmm, it was cuter when he did it.

Can you guys recommend a blog designer, by the way? I want someone to help me create some sort of idiot-proof template that will help me get some more recipes up. I have a few good new ones to share but my skills are so limited when it comes to posting anything that it takes me forever to do so. Lemme know if you can think of someone who could help me. For money, of course.

Comments

[Lisa V]

Whoa. First ? Why do people read the blogs they hate? Isn't life too short ? Although I wish you would have linked to the bitchy blogs so I could lose my Godfreys over them for a minute or two.

My the way the simple little grilled cheese with chipolte tabasco has become a life staple around here. Thank you very much. Sincerely.

I love reading about Patrick. Screw people who don't.

[Lisa V]

Not my the way, but "by the way". Yes I now look like a world class dork. Going back to my blog about my cat who died in my garage on Thanksgiving Day 1990. Fellow dead cat bloggers feel free to follow.

[Meganann]

Jeez. Lambasted because you have a smart kid and asked what to do about it? Somebody's a little jealous. Packy sounds like a great kid and he is really fun to read about. Yours is the only blog that I read aloud to my husband, who generally has no patience for blogs. You are a very good writer.

Sorry about the nasty people.

I know verymom does webdesign, and her site is generally very cute (http://verydesigns.com). Mostly businesses, but she might do a blog too.

[wix]

lately i have wanted to burn bloglandia to the ground. and it is 1. stupid and 2. careless to make a 'secret side blog' and then hand out access like it's candy. if it's one thing we all should have learned by now, if you don't want your dirty laundry slapping you in the face, don't fucking post it online.

and as for blog designing, i would be happy to trade emails with you on that topic. i do make my living as a web designer, so i am somewhat qualified to offer my help. you can see what i've done with my spot. i admit i am hanging on to my 'theme' with a death grip and haven't made any notable changes to it for years, years! but as i think it's fine and functional and doesn't need to be changed, there it sits and there it shall stay. the idea of an online journal, for me, was something akin to writing a postcard, since anyone could pick it up and see it, so, there you go.

but if you want someone who has been -recognized- for seamless integration of concept and design, well, you'll need to pass me by. it's not that i'm bitter, i just don't understand how photoshopped headers and backgrounds are equal to "good design," because most of the time, they're not. perhaps my BFA is showing. oops. i guess i should wait until i have my advanced degree in hand before i start talking this kind of shit!

[Kristin]

Mipmup (www.mipmup.com) just redesigned my blog and she did a beautiful job and knew exactly what I wanted even though my instruction were: can you put the thing there so that I can click the whatchamacallit? that would look nice!

I'm sure she'd be happy to give you a quote if you email her.

[anon]

(hee hee)
How 'bout Aitch?
(hee hee)

[terri c]

we love Patrick. You, also. Hope the horrid oozy thing on the shoulder comes out OK. Will be thinking about you.

[Christine]

Fine. There are super secret side blogs and ONCE AGAIN I am the loser who doesn't have the passwords and in fact DIDN'T EVEN KNOW about said super secret side blogs. This is so high school all over again.

(pouting)

Hey, take care of that shoulder oozy. And scream fuck whenever you need. I do it here...around the child, even.

[tracy]

Secret blogs. I am so out of the loop. Out of the infertile clique. Waaaah.

Anyway, I love Patrick stories not because he's so smart, but because he's so damn funny. It's not bragging if it's entertaining.

[reb]

AB at hashai.com does pretty pretty work. More recipes would be so great!

[Alli]

Long time lurker here delurking to say that
1) misery loves company, those super secret spy bloggerpeople are miserable people
2) Patrick sounds hysterical, entertaining and smart. He's the boy version of my own child!
3) You are hysterical and real! I LOVE reading your blog.
4) I say Fuck all the time.

[Karyn]

Hope the oozing is, um, not oozing anymore. Also, hope it is just some odd curiosity and not something worrisome.

I know how you feel on the advanced kid front. Except instead of numbers like Patrick, my 3 year old just started reading random street signs out to us as we drove along. Now at 4, she is reading Charlotte's Web to herself at night in her bed. I've been wondering about what will happen to her in kindergarten, but it's hard to talk about it with other parents without them thinking we are being all, my kid can read, she's amazing. Usually I try to focus on the fact that she massacres paper everytime she picks up a pair of scissors, so that we don't come across as thinking she is so perfect and advanced.

And I do worry about her in K. I don't want her shunted away from the class during reading, when what she needs most is the socialization aspect of school.

This seems to be turning into an entry of my own, so I'll stop here!

Oh, and say Fuck as often as you want. It's your blog! I hate that some people seem to exist merely to make other people unhappy. Just make sure my daughter isn't reading over my shoulder before you say it!

[Flicka]

Wow, secret blogs. Do they have a special handshake?

What I never get about blog-bashers is why they keep on reading. Here's a thought: if you don't want to hear about Patrick's brilliancy, STAY AWAY! It couldn't be simpler! Even the non-brilliant children get it.

I hope your shoulder is all better soon.

[Jessica]

Like Patrick stories. Is ok to brag about cute kid on own blog, even if you were, which you weren't. Not infertile, but totally get the preggy neighbour/sis-in-law thing. Don't have sis-in-law but if she was pregnant and I wasn't would not like her. Am small of spirit.

Don't read/know about secret blogs because nobody ever tells me anything.

[carrie]

I am a total loser - I don't know about secret blogs or what "aitch" means (see anon above).

I love reading about Patrick, Steve and even the oozing shoulder.

I also read your blog aloud to my husband and pass it along to friends. I guess they would end up in the loser catagory also - none of them knew what aitch meant either.

[kris]

You know... when I didn't get into the super secret club, I was offended for all of 5 seconds... Then, I realized that I wasn't missing anything that I couldn't find someone to hack into and read anyway (if I really felt motivated to do so) and went about my business.

I haven't been interested enough to actually do anything about it, so how much could I care, really? -not much.

[Sheridan]

Since you posted the photo of the horrendous duvet, I must admit I have been curious as to how you end up having sex 6 times a week. Because obviously you must be having it nowhere near that damn duvet.

And, I am also curious to hear how that's going, now that Packy has given up his lunchtime sleep.

OK, so I'm a pervert, but I have been waiting for Mollie to ask and I lost patience.

[chris]

Hmmm. Didn't take long to figure out who that was. At first I wanted to find a way to read her blog, but then I thought, "who cares?" I mean really, who does?

I can't imagine why anyone would want to start a "secret" blog so they could criticize other people. People who don't even care that she exists. What are we, in Middle School?

[Belinda]

Everywhere I turn the last few days I am reading about the blog-hate. WHAT IS THE POINT? I truly don't get it. What a waste of energy that could be spent for good.

Look, enjoy your gifted child, and I tell you from knowing, you are right to be concerned. being smarter does *not* make things easier on a child. It doesn't. Special considerations must be made. You are a great mom to be on top of that this early, so good on you, and a pox on anyone who wastes their breath naysaying. Blech.

[JustLinda]

I read a few wonderful blogs that deal with infertility. Don't ask me why, I'm not trying to conceive myself. I have five daughters. I have, however, dealt with a teeny tiny bit of infertility with those who came in my 30s... it took over 4 years once, that sort of thing. Consultations, dye injected into ovarian tubes, yadda yadda.

But I'm drawn to the blogs... strongly. I want to take these women and wrap them in my arms. I want to share my babies with them. I want the power to solve their problems. And so I watch and wait to see their story play out - how they will make their happy ending. Adoption? Unexpected surprise pregnancy? Successful procedure?

I have a need to see it turn out well for them.

But I see those nasty comments too and I'm just amazed at the lack of empathy. Assholes. I don't understand what drives them to seek these blogs only to comment in such a way. It's really an ugly, ugly thing and if I didn't despise those commenters so much, I might feel sorry for them.

I already had two children before my infertility-light. If that wasn't the case, if I was facing issues having my first, or even second maybe, I know without a doubt that it would be the focal point of my life... a truly defining issue. No doubt at all.

[Karen]

Yes, I love you.

First, I saw the secret blog as well. Some people keep "secret" blogs to talk about their family members or diss more personal info about themselves. Or post pictures. But this secret blog is just so. nasty. I was ripped apart as well.

Julia, thank you for writing this post.

And I need a new blog design as well!

[Toni]

You could look at the nasty blog as a compliment of sorts...someone thinks highly enough of you to obsess about your life. Which means that they have so little in their own lives, that they have to live through others. Ok...now it's kind of stalker-ish...

Anyways, I love you and your family...and never even met you! :)

[Toni]

Now THAT came off stalker-ish...I guess it's better than the blog...

[Kris]

". . . linked to the fact that I have personally done everything right from the moment of his conception . . .
. . . I have fulfilled my goddamned destiny so I am just thrilled about the whole thing and I pity you . . .
. . . I am glad we have cleared that up . . ."

I love THAT (above) -- LOVE it !! Thank you so much for the laugh this morning I really needed it.

[andrea edwards]

Aw Julia, Im sorry people can suck sometimes.

My feeling is, if you can't be impressed/in love/proud/gooshy/the sun sets over their heads about your own child, who else is going to?

Besides, its natural, normal, the way it should be and kids need to feel that.

((hugs))...well I won't hug your shoulder. Get well soon.

~andrea

[Cat, Galloping]

Now I feel like I've been missing out on all the intrigue! Actually it just fascinates me from a sociological perspective. Sometimes I wish I were an academic so I could write about the nuances of the sociology of blogging, especially infertility/adoption/parenting blogging. Whst makes someone popular vs. hated or, worse, ignored and how these criteria doffer from those inreal life (where appearance counts so heavily). It's really quite fascinating.

[Charlotte]

I guess people can write whatever they want on their supersecret blogs, but so much negative energy seems like an incredible waste of time to me. I used to read a blog by an acquaitance of mine, and then I would get all annoyed by something she said and my husband would ask me why I read it if it always bothered me. And you know what? I've stopped. Because I don't have time or energy to expend like that when I am busy mourning my last IVF. If I DID check in, she'd probably be busy announcing another pregnancy, and then I sure as hell would say "Fuck." If people don't want to hear about Patrick once in a while, they should redirect their energies. YOU keep doing what you're doing. That is all.

[Susan]

What a lot of people don't deem to get is that when an infertile person says "F" about another person's pregnancy, it's a "happy for them but really unhappy for me" kind of thing. It's not wishing someone else ill. I once said that when a friend got pregnant, and then she miscarried. And then I got pregnant and had my baby while she went on to miscarry two more times before finally having her beautiful boy. Man did I feel low. She was probably swearing about me.

[Denise]

Just so you know...my supersecret blog is filled w/ envious comments about your sex life. I can't get past that to care about envying your brilliant kid.

[Abby]

I left a comment on Karen's blog (I think that she was reading the same "secret" blog that you were). I don't want to seem naive but I don't get it. I mean, finding someone's blog is not a passive thing. You don't just read blogs whether you like it or not. You "go to" someone's blog, and "go", last time I checked, was an action word. You're doing something. So if you don't like some one's blog or think that they're annoying, why on earth would you "go" there??

Another thing that I don't get is-how much time do these people have, anyway? I don't even have time to read the blogs that I like, forget the ones that I don't.

BTW, my best friends' middle kid solves for multiple quadratic variables, in his head. He's been doing this since he was about 3 (he's now 7). I am disgusted (read "jealous"-but not too much) and I tell them so on a regular basis. He's reading a college chemistry (shudder) textbook for fun. Blech.

Sorry-"multiple quadratic variables" may not be right. Translation-I don't have any idea what he's doing!

[Lydia]

I am so so angry about this stupid fucking secret blog that i could SPIT at it's owner. Ugh. I understand that she is bitter and angry and messed up, but goddamn... to spew bile and vitriol over people who have already suffered so much... to devote so much time to envy and hatred. I just don't understand, and it makes my heart hurt very much. You keep bragging, and let the angry stupid assmunches wither away. The less attention we give her, the better.

[Lisa]

Ok, it was said before (I think by Karyn), but correct me if I'm wrong: how can someone complain about what you're writing in your blog, or anyone's blog for that matter? Didn't that person have to physically search out your site and then physically read it? YES! Were you forcing it on them by walking into their house and holding their head straight and putting a gun to said head so they would read it? NO! Stop coming to the site if you're not interested in the content, idiot. Sheesh.

[electriclady]

I commented about this on Karen's blog already, so I'll just add here: I love hearing Patrick stories! More please!

[Ninotchka]

One of the gym teachers would stand in front of the room shouting "Guys! Do you want your johnson to look like that? Ladies? Do you want to pop that in your pocket? DO YOU??? Then don't have sex. Ever. Now put your heads on your desks until the bell rings."

^ That up there is what i would call blog gold. Made me laugh so hard. Thanks julia. Also I hate asshole blogs written by and for assholes. Though I must admit I sometimes find them strangely compelling. But I'm trying to curb that bad habit. ;)

Wish I could help with your design issues. I'd do it for free even but it would take me an eternity as I work not from talent or knowledge but from sheer trial and error and then dumb luck. And templates. Love the templates!

[christie]

Okay, so as soon as I left that post above I felt guilty about how harsh I was...I'm not going to delete it, because it IS true...however, let me say with a little less emotion (Hey, I'm PMSy and it pissed me off) some people will simply never be happy, and rather than make efforts to change that in themselves, it's easier to pull other people into your unhappiness...you have a fabulous husband and a brilliant child, you like your life, you're happy, you deserve what you have, and she deserves what she has.

'k, really done now :)

[-Blue]

Wait ... you're not selling anything? Crap.

*wanders off*

Oh and "dead-dog moment", I love it. Not the idea, you understand, but the phrase ... awww, crudnuggets, you understand what I mean.

Say, and where are all there secret blogs? i wannna reeeeeeead!

-Blue

[Melissa]

This secret blog business sounds pretty stupid and immature but for some reason there are women that never really progress beyond high school and they populate the internet in large numbers.

Frankly, I'd like to see one of the targets have the balls to respond head on instead of with all these obtuse references to a bitter person.

[Brooklyn Girl]

There's a secret blog? Fuck (my sister-in-law/neighbor/boss) has a secret blog. Fuck.

Julia--I love Patrick. And you. And your blog.

[Jenn]

So sorry that someone wrote a secret nasty blog. Surely they are just jealous (like all those girls who were mean to me in high school, right?) Don't let it get to you, your blog is my favorite and I always look forward to Patrick posts!

I feel sorry for Nas-tay. It must be miserable to be so full of negativity that you need an outlet like that for it. Stay full of joy and life, just like you are :)

[Leggy]

What's with the secret blogs?

I love hearing Patrick stories. I know that every child is a miracle, but somehow when you read about how special a child is when said child was so hard to come by, it makes said child that much more special.

Loved the health class description.

[Hope11]

Keep on rocking, writing, mothering, being fabulous!

So very sorry that cowards seething with jealousy over your family, beauty, writing, awards, readership were hurtful.

You are doing a great service to those women striving to become moms and struggling to be the best moms they can. You have shown me so much courage and strength through your writing. Thank you.

[Jen]

Ask Iki (Barb) at afterhourspub.com about blog design! She has done some great ones for me-- and she would be able to show you samples.

[Jen]

Barb's email addy is: comments (at) afterhourspub dot com

[Lisame]

Don't read the ugliness of others.

I paid good money to get my tubes tied as I don't want children of my own. At the time, I had a friend that was having much trouble getting "with" baby. I didn't tell her that I was getting "fixed" (seemed uncomfy to me.) A year later, when she discovered what I'd done, she screamed at me for my insensitivity. Her rant went on about how selfish I was that I COULD have a baby and yet I wouldn't. Her rant confirmed my suspicion that I didn't want the world to know. Somethings ARE personal.

She quit talking to me not because I didn't tell her but because I had made a major life mistake that I would regret and she didn't want to be around and listen me cry later. That was ten years ago. I know still that it was the right/best thing for me. I still don't understand what I did wrong by her.

I read blogs about infertility. I pray each and every person that wants a baby gets one. Yours is one of my favs and one of many that isn't angry or pity filled. I find you and your Patrick stories happy! Don't change please. (and I love the recipes!)

I have no regrets about my decision; you should have no regrets about your happiness. People that are UNhappy will lash out at those of us that are happy. We can't get upset about that.

Also, Hashai.com ABChao makes the most beautiful blogs.